Zara broke into my thoughts. “Hello?”
“Sorry, what were you saying?”
“I was just saying that isn’t it amazing that we’d just been talking about your goals to change your career path and then this happened—I predict a long road of fame and fortune ahead for you.”
I laughed lightly. Somewhere in the deepest part of my heart I was willing her words to be true but not yet trusting something that seemed so utterly crazy to me at this point.
“Oh, let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. But it did feel good. Really good, in fact…”
“Why do I sense a but coming?”
“Because there is—a big but coming.”
I cringed at my own understanding of the pun I’d just uttered.
“Okay. Tell me everything.”
I filled Zara in on my whole conversation with Joe, leaving nothing out and knowing that she was going to go mad over his comments about my weight. She hadn’t met him yet, and I knew that I was not painting a pretty picture. I bit my lip as I waited for her response.
“I’m sorry, Nicole. I’m really trying to bite my tongue right now because I know how much you love him.”
“Go ahead.”
“Well, you can guess what I’m going to say, right? That you deserve way better than that, and how dare he say something so insensitive to you after you’ve had the most amazing night—after everything great and well-deserved that is happening for you. It’s—it’s just so not supportive, ya know?”
“Yeah, I know. I’m sure Braden would never speak to you like that.”
“Uh, no way. First of all, that’s not who he is, but secondly—and please don’t take this the wrong way, Nicole—secondly, I’d never stand for that. I mean, who is Joe to be talking to you in any kinda way after everything you’ve given him?”
I could hear the anger in her voice and I had to smile at her strong words—just because it did feel kinda great to have a friend who seemed to have my back as completely as Zara did. Joe should be the one to have my back like that, but he didn’t—that was a fact.
“I know you’re right.”
“I am right.” Her voice softened a bit. “So how did you leave things?”
“Oh, I dunno. Nothing was really resolved, but he didn’t storm off angry or anything.” Even as I said the words, I could imagine Zara rolling her eyes at the statement. “I know—not that he had anything to be angry about really, but he was definitely trying to lighten the mood before he left. He—he did tell me that he loved me.” The words left my mouth barely a whisper and I realized, the moment I said them, that I sounded pathetic.
“Well, that’s good, Nicole. I really hope that he comes to his senses or has some kind of major epiphany—for your sake.”
I nodded my head on my end of the phone connection even though I knew it was only for my own sake. I hoped so too. I didn’t know, any more, how I could be happy with Joe—truly happy—but how much more was I willing to give?
“Nicole? Are you there?”
“Yeah, sorry. Hey, Zara, thanks for being there for me.”
“Any time. I mean that. Have a good sleep, and I’m sure that things will look better in the morning. And you have another rehearsal to look forward to tomorrow, right?”
“Yeah, right.”
But in my head, I was already counting a list of reasons why showing up at the warehouse tomorrow was a bad idea. I was already counting a list of reasons in my head about why not having Joe in my life would be harder for me than the alternative.
Chapter 14
I couldn’t focus at work. After telling Annie about everything that had happened since my big singing debut over the weekend, she wouldn’t let up. She’d pulled Taylor into our conversation, and the next thing I knew the two of them were making me promise to invite them the next time I went to karaoke.
I’d been noticing Taylor watching me a few times ever since Annie had brought up the subject. Now, with Annie on her break, I found myself feeling a bit nervous as he made his way over to where I was setting up a rack of new jackets that had come in. And then I was feeling weird for feeling so nervous. Taylor was my boss, and besides, I shouldn’t even be thinking about another guy right now. It was the last thing I needed, to be sure. But he was very handsome—and sweet.
I stole a glance his way as he helped me to prep the jacket I was getting ready to steam.
“I’d like to hear you sing some time, Nicole.”
Taylor had a great smile.
“Huh? Oh, yeah. It wasn’t really that big a deal or anything.”
Wrong. Big fat huge life-changing deal.
That’s what I wanted to believe, but in the light of day and after things with Joe last night, I’d been letting the doubts come in again.
“Well, if you go again, do let us know. It sounds like a fun time.”
I nodded. I was pretty sure that Taylor wouldn’t cross any boundaries in terms of dating within the workplace, but there was no denying that there seemed to be a little chemistry between us. And probably seeing him while out with a small group wouldn’t cause any issues.
What was wrong with me?
I was Joe’s girl. That’s what everyone at the clubs used to call me when we first starting dating. I had never entertained the thought of another man since the night four years ago when I met Joe. I wasn’t going to just give up on our relationship. And I’d invested my time in him and his career for a reason—Joe and the band were good, and all of their hard work and dedication had paid off. I’d come alongside him in his career with eyes wide open, and maybe it really wasn’t fair that I’d been abandoning him lately.
Before I could think about it too long, I grabbed my phone and pulled up Kaz’s number to text him.
Really sorry. Not going to make rehearsal tonight after all.
Joe had a standing gig on Tuesday nights at a club I’d not been to in ages. I’d surprise him by showing up. Before I made any decisions regarding Kaz and the band, Joe and I needed to connect again—on a different level than what we’d had.
My phone chimed with an incoming text.
Sorry to hear that. I hope that you’ll join us tomorrow?
I bit my lip as I thought about how to respond. I didn’t want to string Kaz and the guys along, but I’d only been to one rehearsal, after all. There was time. I needed to give myself that before I rushed into any commitment.
I’m not sure. Can I let you know tomorrow?
Yes, of course.
The rest of the day at work was uneventful. I was a bit relieved when another manager came to take over Taylor’s shift. I’d become hyper-aware of his presence all day, and it wasn’t helping me keep my thoughts focused on Joe and the changes that I wanted to see in our relationship. Maybe I had been putting too much pressure on him lately; the truth was, I certainly hadn’t been as supportive of him and the band as I’d been in the past—not by a long shot.
Thinking about Joe and the band reminded me that I kept forgetting to invite Zara to their big show this Saturday. She’d never heard the band, or met Joe for that matter, and this weekend’s show was going to be pretty huge. I pulled her number up as I left the shop for my car.
“Hello.”
“Hi, Zara. Is this a good time?”
“Hey, Nicole. Yeah, I have a few minutes before I’m meeting with a new client. What’s up?”
“As many times as I’ve talked to you this past week, I keep forgetting to invite you and Braden to Joe’s show on Saturday night. It’s the first one to kick off their new tour and it should be pretty good. Say you’ll come?” I grinned, suddenly really wanting her there.
“Thanks. That sounds fun. Let me talk to Braden and get back to you, okay? How are you feeling today? About everything last night?”
I waited a few seconds to answer, not sure how much I should say or what Zara’s reaction was going to be. When we’d started the coaching process—really, since I’d become friends with her—I’d vowed to myself that I
would be honest. Telling half-truths when it came to changing my life was only hurting myself. I was self-aware enough to know that this was the case.
“Oh, everything’s fine.”
“Nicole. What are you not telling me?”
I sighed. “I decided not to go to rehearse with Kaz tonight. I’m going to surprise Joe at one of his gigs instead.”
There was silence on the other end of the phone, which made me feel the need to keep talking.
“I dunno, Zara. Joe and I have been through so much together. I’m just not sure that I’m willing to give all that up—to not at least try to work things out between us, not try to get things back to normal.”
“Why do you feel like you’d be giving everything up with Joe? Did he say that?”
“No. No, he didn’t.” I let her words sink in. Not in so many words, anyway. “I guess I just feel like I wanna be on better terms with him—with our relationship—before I go forward with Kaz and the band. Kaz seems pretty cool about it though, so it’s not like I’m abandoning the idea altogether.”
“That’s good.” Zara’s voice was quiet. “This is about you and what makes you happy. I’m trying very hard to keep my own judgment out of it—but I will tell you that I’d hate to see you not moving ahead in some way with your music—not after hearing you the other night, and also because of the way I think it makes you feel to be doing it again.”
“Thanks. I appreciate that. And you do have a point—about how singing again has made me feel. Thanks for being my voice of reason.”
Zara laughed on the other end of the phone. “Any time. Talk to you later.”
I pulled out of the parking lot, intent on getting home to put some effort into how I wanted to look that tonight. The thought of Joe looking at me the way that he used to made me smile and feel just that slightest bit of anticipation that I used to feel going to watch him perform at the clubs.
Chapter 15
I turned on the interior light of the car, so that I could check my lipstick and face one last time before walking into the club. I was wearing the red color that Joe always said he loved on me. Tonight I’d even added some lashes and taken the effort to curl my hair. All done up and wearing the one outfit that I felt pretty good in these days—a pair of tight dark jeans, leather jacket, and my favorite pair of heels—I got out of the car to make my way toward the small club where I’d watched Joe perform too many nights to count.
“Nicole. Where ya been?”
I reached up to give Leo, the club’s bouncer, a hug. I’d known Leo for as long as I’d known Joe, and seeing him now made me realize just how long it had been since I’d made an appearance. Too long.
“Hey, Leo. Just been busy. Good to see you.” I smiled as he kissed my cheek and opened the door for me.
I stepped into the dimly lit club, immediately looking toward the stage—looking for Joe. The stage was empty, and from the loud sounds of the dance track playing, I assumed that the band was on a break. Good. I’d get him a beer and be able to surprise him up close, rather than letting him spot me from the stage.
I ordered two bottles of Joe’s favorite beer from a bartender that I didn’t recognize and tried again to scan the room for Joe or any of the band members. The place wasn’t so big, but I’d not seen anyone since I walked in. Just as I was about to make one loop around the room, my eyes gravitated toward a table in the corner where I spotted Joe’s drummer getting up.
I was about to call out to him as I started to make my way there when I saw him—Joe—with a scantily dressed woman straddling his lap, their lips locked in what looked like a deep kiss.
I heard the crash of the beer bottles at the same time as I felt the vomit coming up from the back of my throat. Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion, yet I didn’t feel like I had a moment to think as Joe’s eyes met mine just before I turned to run out of the club. I barely made it to the grass near where my car was parked before I heard his voice calling out to me.
“Nicole.”
Go away. Just go away.
I heard his footsteps and then felt his presence right behind me as I finished being sick. I felt the touch of his hand on my back, and the desperation I felt to get it off me—to get away from him—was as intense as anything I’d ever felt. I stood up and backed away from him quickly.
“Nicole. It’s not what you think.” He took a step toward me, to which I responded by moving further away.
“Joe. I don’t wanna see you right now. Leave me alone.”
How could you do this to me—to us?
“Babe, please. You gotta listen to me. I swear. There’s nothing going on with that girl. I—we just met tonight and things got a little out of hand. But it doesn’t mean anything.”
I glared at him. I didn’t want to speak. I wanted to get in my car and drive away. But there he was, looking like he had the most logical explanation for what could only be described as one of the worst scenes that I’d witnessed in my life.
“It doesn’t mean anything? It doesn’t mean anything, Joe?” I could barely speak through my sobs and my anger. “It means something to me. God, I can’t even stand to look at you right now.”
Joe looked about the most remorseful that I’d ever seen him look. And I didn’t care at all. I wouldn’t believe anything he told me.
I walked over to unlock my car—getting in, starting it, and slamming the door shut all in one motion. I pulled out of the parking lot, without looking at Joe again. I drove one block down the road with the angry resolve of a woman scorned before I pulled over to the side of the street, turned off my car, and completely lost it, letting the intense pain and the sobs I’d been holding in overtake me.
Joe’s phone calls and texts starting coming almost as soon as I’d pulled out of the parking lot. I turned my phone off instead of throwing it out the window as I felt like doing. I couldn’t imagine ever wanting to talk to him again. I couldn’t imagine ever feeling a moment when my heart would stop hurting, when my anger would diminish.
Joe’s girl! What a joke.
I wondered how long he’d been behaving as a single rocker guy—that guy that I met four years ago—unattached and just looking for a good time. I wondered how much difference it would have made if I’d made more of an effort lately to be at his gigs—out with him and the band.
Nicole, stop. Don’t give him any excuses.
There weren’t any excuses, no matter how Joe tried to spin it. He and I had been a couple. We’d talked about a future together. Even though things had been different between us lately, I never would have thought that he’d cheat on me. Now I wondered how many random hook-ups with other women there’d been. He’d acted so nonchalant about the whole thing, as if he had a perfectly reasonable explanation for letting another woman fall all over him.
I cried alone in the car until I didn’t think I had any more tears left. I cried and felt the heartbreak until there was nothing left to do but make the drive home. I knew that I should probably try to call Zara or Maxine but I couldn’t bear to turn my phone back on—to see those missed texts of garbage apologies from him.
Chapter 16
I arrived at the cafe early.
I couldn’t stand the thought of going to work, so I’d called in to use one of my personal days. I smiled just the slightest bit remembering Taylor’s concern, as he’d been the manager on duty when I called. It was just the perfect mix of letting me know that he cared that I was okay, without being weirdly nosy about what was going on with me. And of course, I didn’t volunteer anything.
I woke up, after a very restless sleep, to numerous texts and voicemail messages from Joe. He was certainly very sorry, but I had nothing but nagging doubts now. Was he sorry for hurting me or sorry that I happened to catch him? His voice sounded sincere as he begged me to see him today, but I wasn’t having any of it—not yet anyway, not until I’d had plenty of time to think about everything.
I’d called Zara first thing this morning and told her ev
erything. I didn’t have a coaching session scheduled with her until Friday, but she was going to try to stop by the cafe where Maxine and I were having lunch.
Maxine had become one of my closest friends, and when I’d called her that morning in tears, she’d immediately cleared her schedule to come meet me. I looked up from the menu just in time to see her breezing through the door. Maxine had a real presence about her. She used to be a model in her twenties—something that seemed to drive her a bit crazy now that she’d gained some weight, but Maxine was beautiful, inside and out.
“Hi, hon. How are you doing?” Maxine leaned over to give me a gentle squeeze.
“I’m better. Thanks for meeting me. And gorgeous jacket. Is it new?”
Maxine was definitely the fashionista of our little group.
She looked down at her jacket as if she’d forgotten what she was wearing, which made me smile.
“Oh, this is something I made. Do you like it?”
“Seriously? I love it.” I made a mental note to ask her about this hidden talent later. “Zara’s not going to be able to make it for lunch. She’s meeting with a new client. But she said she might try to join us for a coffee if she finishes in time.”
“Good.” Maxine looked up from the menu she was studying to look at me intently. “Have you spoken to Joe yet?”
“No. I don’t want to.” I sighed, but I was a little surprised that I hadn’t cried yet today. “I need some time to sort some things out.”
“So, does that mean that you’re considering staying with him, Nicole?”
Maxine was well aware of the issues that Joe and I had been having lately. I didn’t think I’d be able to do a good job explaining how I was feeling about everything. It had become somewhat normal for me to defend Joe and his behavior, but I knew that there would be no defending what I’d seen last night. I’d be a fool to stay with him. I knew that.
The Rockstar’s Girlfriend (B.I.G. Girls Club, Book 1) Page 5