by Rufus Lodge
French Connection’s profits seemed to suggest that she was right. But around the world, opposition to the campaign was slowly emerging. Products bearing the ‘FCUK’ logo were barred from many American stores. There was outrage in Singapore when the logo appeared on the side of buses. A British judge ordered a juror to go home when he wore a ‘FCUK’ T-shirt in court. Posters for French Connection’s radio station, FCUK FM, were removed for making the link between ‘fcuk’ and ‘fuck’ too blatant, with their strapline: ‘FCUK FM FROM PNUK TO RCOK AND BACK. NON-STOP FNUK. FCUK FM’.
By now, the Advertising Standards Authority were demanding that French Connection submit each new poster to them for approval, before it appeared on the streets – rather than waiting, as they usually did, for complaints from the public to arrive. Trevor Beattie mounted a stiff defence of the campaign: ‘FCUK is an advertising idea which became a brand. The T-shirts have got us into more trouble than the advertising in terms of press coverage. Yet I never saw the advertising as offensive. When you think of what else is happening in the world it puts it all into perspective – it really isn’t that important. But the facts speak for themselves: we used it in advertising; the ASA put us in the sin bin; we came out; we sinned again; we went back in … The thinking behind everything we have done for FCUK is about bending the rules, entertaining, subverting, doing something no clothes store should do. It’s all been about building a tone of voice for the brand. It’s about attitude – if you’re a bit alternative or anti-establishment, FCUK is the brand for you.’ But within a year, ‘fcuk’ had disappeared from French Connection’s advertising campaigns, though it survives in the names of the company’s range of perfumery, which includes both ‘FCUK Him’ and ‘FCUK Her’. Now that’s what I call fragrant.
The Final Word
Terry-Thomas – the name alone will bring a smile to the face of any filmgoer of a certain age. He may not have been the most versatile actor in cinema history – every role turned out pretty much the same – but his appearance on screen was a guarantee of humour. His archetypal portrayal was that of the English cad: the bounder who isn’t as posh as he thinks he is, and who isn’t going to let any man, woman, or foreigner (especially the latter two categories) get one over on him.
In his twilight years, he struggled with Parkinson’s disease, but clearly retained the Terry-Thomas style. His last recorded words were addressed to a waiter, who had fallen foul of the strict Terry-Thomas code of etiquette; and they are also a perfect way to sign off this F-word cavalcade: ‘Fucking cheek’.
Appendix
FYFI
A 21st-Century Dictionary of Abbreviations
4Q – Fuck You
ACGAF – Absolutely couldn’t give a fuck
AFDN – Any fucking day now
AFGO – Another fucking growth opportunity
AFT – About fucking time
AFU – All fucked up
AMF – Adios, motherfucker
AMIIGAF – Ask me if I give a fuck
ASAFP – As soon as fucking possible
ATFP – Answer the fucking phone
AUFM? – Are you fucking mental?
AYFKM? – Are you fucking kidding me?
AYFS? – Are you fucking serious?
BAMF – Badass motherfucker
BBAMFIC – Big badass motherfucker in charge
BBMFIC – Big bad motherfucker in charge
BFD – Big fucking deal
BFE – Bum fuck Egypt
BFR – Big fucking rock
BITFOB – Bring it the fuck on, bitch
BMF – Bad motherfucker (or, be my friend)
BTFO – Back the fuck off
BTFW – By the fucking way
BUFF – Big ugly fat fuck
CBF – Can’t be fucked
CBFA – Can’t be fucking arsed
CGAF – Couldn’t give a fuck
CRAFT – Can’t remember a fucking thing
CTFD – Calm the fuck down
CTFO – Come the fuck on; or, chill the fuck out
CTFU – Cracking the fuck up
DAFS – Do a fucking search
DF – Dumb fuck
DFC – Don’t fucking care
DFL – Dead fucking last
DFU – Don’t fuck up
DFWM – Don’t fuck with me
DFWMT – Don’t fucking waste my time
DGAF – Don’t give a fuck
DILF – Dad I’d like to fuck
DILLIGAF? – Do I look like I give a fuck?
DYOFDW – Do your own fucking dirty work
EAPFS – Everything about Pittsburgh fucking sucks
ESADYFA – Eat shit and die, you fucking asshole
ESMF – Eat shit, motherfucker
ESYF – Eat shit, you fuck
FAH – Fucking-A hot
FAP – Fucking-A pissed
FA-Q – Fuck you
FAY – Fuck all, y’all
FB – Fuck-buddy
FBI – Fucking brilliant idea
FEITCTAJ – Fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke
FFS – For fuck’s sake
FI – Fuck it
FIF – Fuck, I’m funny
FIIK – Fucked if I know
FILF – Father I’d like to fuck
FINE – Fucked-up, insecure, neurotic, emotional
FKM – Fuck ’em
FLUID – Fucking look it up, I did
FMBB – Fuck me, baby
FMBO - Fuck my brains out
FMFLTH – Fuck my fucking life to hell
FML – Fuck my life
FMLTWIA – Fuck me like the whore I am
FMN – Fuck me now
FMUTA – Fuck me up the ass
FNG – Fucking new guy
FO – Fuck off
FOA – Fuck off, asshole
FOAD – Fuck off and die
FOAG – Fuck off and Google
FOMOFO – Fuck off, motherfucker
FRED – Fucking ridiculous electronic device
FSOB – Fucking son of a bitch
FSU – Fuck shit up
FTF – Fuck, that’s funny
FTN – Fuck that noise
FTRF – Fuck, that’s really funny
FTS – Fuck that shit
FTW – Fuck the world
FU – Fuck you
FU2 – Fuck you too
FUBAH – Fucked up beyond all hope
FUBAR – Fucked up beyond all recognition
FUBB – Fucked up beyond belief
FUBOHIC – Fuck you, bend over, here it comes
FUJIMO – Fuck you, Jack, I’m moving on
FUM – Fucked up mess
FWLF – Fuck work, let’s fuck
FWOT – Fucking waste of time
FYFI – For your fucking information
FYIFV – Fuck you, I’m fully vested
FYRB – Fuck you right back
GAFC – Get a fucking clue
GAFL – Get a fucking life
GAGF – Go and get fucked
GFAD – Go fuck a duck
GFF – Go fucking figure
GFI – Good fucking idea
GFY – Go fuck yourself
GFYMF – Go fuck yourself motherfucker
GILF – Grandmother I’d like to fuck
GMAFB – Give me a fucking break
GTFA – Go the fuck away
GTFBTW – Get the fuck back to work
GTFO – Get the fuck out
GTFOOH – Get the fuck out of here
GTFU – Grow the fuck up
HFS – Holy fucking shit!
HTFU – Hurry the fuck up
IDFC – I don’t fucking care
IDGAF – I don’t give a fuck
IDGAFF – I don’t give a flying fuck
IFU – I fucked up
IHNFC – I have no fucking clue
IHTFP – I hate this fucking place
IMFO – In my fucking opinion
IRDGAF – I really don’t give a fuckr />
IWFU – I wanna fuck you
IYFD – In your fucking dreams
IWTFU – I want to fuck you
JAFO – Just another fucking onlooker
JAFS – Just another fucking salesman
JFDI – Just fucking do it
JFGI – Just fucking Google it
JFH – Just fuck him/her
KDFU – Kracking da fuck up
KMFA – Kiss my fucking ass
LAGNAF – Let’s all get naked and fuck
LDIMEDILLIGAF – Look deeply into my eyes, does it look like I give a fuck?
LF – Let’s fuck
LMFAO – Laughing my fucking ass off
LMMFAO – Laughing my motherfucking ass off
LOLWTF – Laughing out loud, ‘What the fuck?’
MBRFN – Must be real fucking nice
MF – Motherfucker
MFIC – Motherfucker in charge
MILF – Mother I’d like to fuck
MOFO – Motherfucker
MPFB – My personal fuck buddy
MTFFBWU – May the fucking force be with you
NFC – No fucking chance
NFE – No fucking excuse
NFF – Not fucking fair
NFG – No fucking good
NFI – No fucking idea
NFW – No fucking way
NIYWFD – Not in your wildest fucking dreams
NNCIITFZ – Not now, chief, I’m in the fucking zone
OMFG – Oh my fucking God
PFC – Pretty fucking cold
PMFF – Pardon my fucking French
PFH – Pretty fucking hot
PFT – Pretty fucking tight
PTFO – Pass the fuck out
QFT – Quit fucking talking
RFN – Right fucking now
RFR – Really fucking rich
RFS – Really fucking soon
ROTFLMFAO – Rolling on the floor, laughing my fucking ass off
RTFM – Read the fucking manual
RTFQ – Read the fucking question
RTWFQ – Read the whole fucking question
RUFKM? – Are you fucking kidding me?
SAPFU – Surpassing all previous fuck-ups
SFTM – Stop fucking texting me
SFTTM – Stop fucking talking to me
SNAFU – Situation normal, all fucked up
STFU – Shut the fuck up
STFW – Search the fucking web
SUUFI – Shut up, you fucking imbecile
TARFU – Things are really fucked up
TFF – Too fucking funny
TFIF – Thank fuck it’s Friday
TFMIU – The fucking manual is unreadable
TFYS – The fuck you say
TIGAF? – Think I give a fuck?
TILF – Teacher I’d like to fuck
TTMF – Ta-ta, motherfucker
TYAFY – Thank you and fuck you
UFB – Un-fucking-believable
VFF – Very fucking funny
WAFB – What a fucking bitch
WAFM – What a fucking mess
WAFU – What a fuck up
WGAFF? – Who gives a flying fuck?
WITFITS? – What in the fuck is this shit?
WTF? – What (or Who) the fuck?
WTFDYJS? – What the fuck did you just say?
WTFGDA – Way to fucking go, dumbass
WTFH? – What the fucking hell?
WTFDYCM? – Why the fuck did you call me?
WTFWYCM? – Why the fuck would you call me?
WYFM? – Would you fuck me?
YAFA – Yet another fucking acronym
YATFM – You are too fucking much
YBF – You’ve been fucked
Discography
Don’t Do That!
Songs with precise fucking instructions
‘Don’t Fuck My Sister’ (7000 Dying Rats)
‘Don’t Fuck My Friends’ (Raxx)
‘Don’t Fuck With My Kinfolk’ (Pimpsta)
‘Don’t Fuck With the Babysitter’ (Owleater)
‘Don’t Fuck With My Pooch’ (No Redeeming Social Value)
‘Don’t Fuck With Greatniss’ (N-PO$E)
‘Don’t Fuck With a Lyricist’ (Let Go & Control!)
‘Don’t Fuck With Robert Smith’ (Planetakis)
‘Don’t Fuck With the FBI’ (Metaverse)
‘Don’t Fuck Giraffes!’ (David Hahn)
Internet Dating Can Be a Tricky Business
Songs that suggest your blind date is fucked
‘Let’s Fuck Differently’ (Elastic No-No Band)
‘I Feel Like a Fat Frustrated Fuck’ (The Evaporators)
‘Fuck ’Em All, That’s My Slogan’ (Philthy Fingers)
‘Fuck the Bastards of the Human Race’ (Amy Honey & Nuclear Weasel)
‘Any Cunt You Can Fuck I Can Fuck Better’ (Shat)
‘Big Massive Fuck-Off Attitude’ (The Lollies)
‘Fuck You Softly With a Chainsaw’ (Levan & Rei Taak)
‘Gut the Slut Before I Fuck’ (Lividity)
‘I Kill Everything I Fuck’ (GG Allin)
‘I’ll Dig You Up and Fuck You’ (CodeCracker)
The Doctor Will See You Now, Sir
Songs about fucked-up bodily functions
‘Oh Fuck, I Feel So Down’ (Dano TheCube)
‘Ringworm Fuck’ (Voetsek)
‘Fuck My Eardrums’ (TomWax & Franksen)
‘Fuck My Liver’ (Gut-shot)
‘Fuck the Hiccups’ (Beercan!)
‘Blood Sucking Fuck’ (Deathwitch)
‘Cunt Pussy Fuck Shit’ (Tourette’s Funk Syndrome)
‘Fuck My Shit Stinks’ (Boxcar Cadavers)
‘Prolapsed Trachea Fuck Toy’ (Saprogenic)
‘Fecal Stuffed Fuck Stumps’ (Guttural Secrete)
‘Severed Foot Fuck Fetish’ (Eviscerated)
‘Head Fuck Is Dead’ (Randy)
‘I’m Dying Danny, I Don’t Give a Fuck About the Rules’ (Chainsaw Murphy)
‘The Doctor Called, Turns Out I’m Sick as Fuck’ (Decade)
And They Said Chivalry Was Dead
Songs that simply say ‘Fuck you’
‘Fuck You, Get a Job and Have a Nice Day’ (Peter Wilde)
‘For Your Information, Go Fuck Yourself’ (Big Deformed Head)
‘Fuck Is the Only Word For You’ (Larry Pierce)
‘Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You!’ (The Jonny 3)
‘You’re Old, Fuck You’ (Anal Cunt)
‘I Reckon You Should Shut the Fuck Up’ (Consolidated)
‘I’m Pro-You-Shutting-the-Fuck-Up’ (Another Breath)
‘You Fuck Off First, Then I’ll Fuck Off’ (The Roman Line)
‘Fuck Your Fuckin Fuck’ (Pin-Up Godiva)
‘I Can’t Finger Fuck You If Your Pussy Stank’ (Wolf Pack Click)
‘Fuck You & The Cum-Soaked Bitch You Rode In On’ (Iowa Beef Experience)
Would You Like Fries With That?
Songs that fuck with your appetite
‘All You Can Fuck and Eat’ (Prophecy)
‘Fuck Your Pretzel’ (Puffy Areolas)
‘How to Fuck a Donut’ (.tape.)
‘Fuck the Bread, Eat Rice’ (Byousatsu Endorphin)
‘Fuck Rap, Eat Icecream’ (Lautschrift)
‘Ice Cream Apple Fuck’ (Fight like Apes)
‘Fuck Those Fries, I’m from Idaho’ (9-Volt Tongue)
‘Fuck Meat’ (Noah Swords, King of the Deathmatch)
‘Fuck the Rotted Meat’ (Reprobation)
‘Gentlemen Fuck Your Eggs’ (JJ Star Duran)
‘I Eat Fuck’ (Daniel Jordan)
‘Eat My Fuck’ (Filthy Maggoty Cunt)
‘Eat a Bowl of Fuck’ (The Ugly Fat Kids)
‘Eat Shit and Fuck a Moose’ (Flesh Parade)
Drink Up, It’s Time to …
Songs that tell you it’s last fucking orders
‘Drink, Fuck, Drive Truck’ (The Tower of Dudes)
‘Fuck
You, Where’s My Brew’ (Dehumanized)
‘Fuck Vodka, Drink Juice’ (MrShada)
‘Fuck Juice No. 9’ (Reverse Dotty)
‘Fuck Your Lemonade’ (Ryan Arklin)
‘Fuck You, I’m Drunk’ (Bondo)
‘Fuck! I’m Drunk!’ (Poison Apples)
‘Too Drunk to Fuck’ (Dead Kennedys)
‘There Are Cigarette Ashes in My Coffee and I Don’t Give a Fuck’ (Pat Kinsella)
‘How to Fuck Up a Cup of Coffee’ (Accidents Never Happen)
What Exactly Is It That You Don’t Like About Me?
Songs that make it perfectly fucking clear
‘Fuck Your Jacket’ (All Teeth And Knuckles)
‘Fuck Your Lifestyle’ (Shotgun Shell)
‘Fuck Your Cigarette’ (UFO)
‘Fuck Yr Obvious Words’ (Racebannon)
‘Fuck Your Mum’ (Blank 183)
‘Fuck You, You’re Irish’ (Hub City Stompers)
‘Fuck Your Nationality’ (Disorder)
‘Fuck Your Lyrics, Fuck Your Music’ (Plastic Riot)
‘Fuck Your Scene, Fuck Your Crew, Fuck You’ (Slam Coke)
‘Stop Sayin’ Fuck All the Time!’ (Lord Funk)
Basic Music-Biz P.R.
Songs designed to advance your fucking career
‘Fuck Commercial Music’ (Olive Oil)
‘Fuck This Track’ (Mark Frostbite)
‘Fuck the Fans’ (Bomb The Music Industry)
‘Fuck Blvd Records’ (Young Trigger)
‘Fuck a Major Label’ (Pistol)
‘Fuck You Time Warner’ (The Gozinyahs)
‘Fuck Corporate Death’ (Marta G. Wiley)
‘Fuck the Rap Game’ (M.O.B.)
‘Fuck You and Your Record Contract’ (The Punk Group)
‘Fuck the Music Industry’ (Death Before Disco)
Don’t Sit on the Fence
Songs that mark your fucking ballot paper