by Marni Mann
It felt like I’d been swept up in a storm of moments from my past, a whirlwind of every memory from every year we had been apart. The heat from those memoires turned my face red. Sweat covered my body. Lightning flashed around my cheek.
I couldn’t stop it.
I didn’t want him to see me like this…in this outfit, in this casino. So scarred.
Where the fuck was my umbrella?
“You’ve been walking by my table all night,” he said. “You look so different…I wasn’t sure it was you at first. But I’m glad it is. I was hoping I’d see you while I’m in town.”
You look so different…
Hart had graduated high school and left Bar Harbor when I was a sophomore. The scar came my junior year. It was a part of me he hadn’t seen, a part that hadn’t existed the last time we were in each other’s presence. The way my body was angled, he could see the whole thing, and I couldn’t change that now. I was frozen. I hated that he still did that to me.
He’d broken me.
So how was it possible he could still affect me like that? Or that I would allow him to, after all these years?
“You’ve worked here for a while?” he asked.
Did it really matter? I wasn’t sure why he was talking to me now…he hadn’t even told me he was leaving Bar Harbor. I found out from his friends…and from him not returning any of my messages. No good-bye, no explanation. No call after all this time. And now he wanted to ask me questions about my job?
What about me? What about what I felt?
“Rae?”
“Yes,” I said. What had I just answered? “I mean, no, I haven’t.”
He was several inches taller than me, but he was somehow able to look up at me through his lashes. His gaze was more than intense. It shook me. It wrapped its power around my limbs, my body. It felt as if the ground beneath me was convulsing and quaking.
“Are you living up here in Bangor?” he asked.
I held the tray even closer against my body as my stare traveled from his eyes to his lips. They were pale red, full, and hinted at the grin that used to melt me—that was melting me now, in spite of everything. “No,” I finally said. “I’m still in Bar Harbor.”
“Do you have a place in town or—”
“Boss man just walked in,” Christy said in my ear, standing directly behind me. She pressed close to my side as I forced my attention toward the entrance. She was right; Kevin had just walked in and was scanning the room. “He’s going to check your tables and make sure all the players have drinks. Just wanted to warn you.”
“Thanks,” I whispered over my shoulder. A gasp came through my lips when I reconnected with Hart’s stare. He was stirring up emotions that I couldn’t control. I had for so long, and I wanted to now…or maybe I didn’t. I was too swept up to know. But I couldn’t lose this job before it had even really started. “I’ve got to go.”
“Okay. I’ll catch up with you later.” His lips remained apart, like there was something more he wanted to say. But he didn’t. He didn’t turn around, either.
So I did.
And I instantly regretted it.
As much as he’d hurt me—and as much as I needed to check on my tables so I didn’t get fired on my first night working—something was pulling me toward him. But when I turned around to tell him I’d find him after my shift, he wasn’t there anymore. I did a quick search of the other aisles, the chairs, the backs and fronts of everyone nearby. I found nothing. He was gone.
I knew I was running out of time so, using the notes I had taken earlier, I hurried into the back room and ordered the list of beers that were the most popular at my tables. Packing the bottles onto my tray, I returned to the main room just as Kevin was checking my row. He nodded as I passed and continued to watch while I traded the players’ empty bottles for full ones.
I kept up the same pace the rest of the night until last call. Time hadn’t dragged at all, but my feet certainly had and my nipples felt like they were on fire. My apron was full of cash and chips, so that was what I’d focused on—and on Christy, who had pulled me into the back room to go over the closing duties after we’d dropped off the last round of drinks.
When she went to the bathroom, I took the opportunity to peek into the poker lounge. Most of the tables were empty except for the stragglers who were sitting around bullshitting and a few other players waiting in line at the cashier window. None of them were Hart.
“We have to stock the glasses, refill the napkins, and make sure the station is clean. Then we can go home,” Christy said from behind me. I hadn’t realized she’d returned, or that I was still staring at the exact place where I had spoken to him.
I felt like I was standing outside after a storm had passed, surveying the devastation. Broken branches and leaves and tiny pebbles had collected around my feet. The sky was black; I could taste the earth in the air. As I took my first step, my shoes squeaked with moisture.
I was completely drenched.
CHAPTER FIVE
“DO YOU KNOW what the rain is?” he asked.
I was curled in a ball in the corner of the couch. A candle flickered on the table. It was the only light in the house; we’d lost power from the storm. He’d even let me take the candle into the potty with me, but he told me not to flush. I kinda liked that. The noise the toilet made could be so loud and scary at night.
I pulled the blanket even tighter around me. “No…what is it?”
“It’s the tears from all the people who cried today. The sky pulls them out of all the tissues and sleeves and holds them up there until it’s full. Then, it comes raining down on us.”
A chill ran over me, covering my skin in tiny bumps as I remembered how mean the rain had sounded. It felt like our house had been shaking. “Why did the storm sound so angry?”
“The sky doesn’t just take tears; it also takes the sounds that people make. That yelling you did while you cried this afternoon came right back at us, didn’t it?”
I couldn’t control my temper sometimes. I wanted to. I tried really hard to. I just didn’t want Mommy to go to work because Darren got so sad whenever she left. And what made him sad, made me sad.
“So if I cry softly, it won’t thunder as much?”
“Come on over here, Rae.”
I glanced toward the rocking chair where he was sitting. The candle lit up his face and his open arms. With the blanket still around me, I tiptoed over to him. He pulled me onto his lap, tucking my legs into the side of the chair and wrapping his arms around me. We swayed back and forth.
“You’re a good girl. You have no reason to be shedding those tears, and especially no reason to be yelling like that.”
Back and forth.
Mommy said I was a strong girl, a smart girl. He always said I had the prettiest smile of all the girls he’d ever seen. Strong, pretty girls didn’t need to cry. Darren didn’t need to cry, either. I wanted to tell him that, but he was in his room. He was always in there. He said he didn’t like hanging out anywhere else in the house. He was so silly.
I stretched my hands out of the blanket and placed them on top of his. His knuckles were so rough and hard. Chapped like my lips after I cried. They held me tight, but it didn’t hurt.
“Rest your head on my chest and let’s see if we can get you to sleep. It’s past your bedtime, my good girl.”
I pressed my cheek against his shirt. It was soft. Much softer than his knuckles, and the hairs around his neck tickled my nose.
Back and forth.
“I want you to think of good things. Pretty things. No more rain tonight, only rainbows.”
His fingers moved out from under mine and he ran them through the loose strands of my hair. My eyes closed. My breathing slowed. His thumb dipped onto my neck, but the rest of his hand stayed in my hair.
Back and forth.
“You’re such a good girl, Rae.”
Back and forth.
***
“Stooooppp!” I screamed
as my eyelids flew open. There was a noise other than my own voice, coming from somewhere around me. I ignored it. My hand immediately reached for my face, blotting the skin from the corner of my eye to my mouth. There was moisture, but it wasn’t thick or metallic-smelling like blood. It was from the tears.
And my scar was still there.
Every time I touched my cheek after one of my nightmares, I hoped my fingers would pass over clear, unmarked flesh. That would never happen. But it didn’t stop me from wishing.
I tried to slow my breathing, clawing the scarf off my throat and unbuttoning the top of my jacket. There weren’t any hands around my neck, but it felt as if there were…as if they were squeezing all the air out of me. I couldn’t breathe deeply enough.
I needed to concentrate on something other than hands.
His hands.
The noise…it hadn’t gone away. It was an annoying mix of ringing and vibrating, and it was coming from the seat next to me.
My phone.
“Hello,” I said as I answered.
“Ms. Ryan, it’s Vince.” Brady’s landlord. Shit.
I used my sleeve to wipe the tears out of my eyes and off my face. Then I dragged it across the driver’s window and the inside of the windshield to clear the condensation. The glass finally revealed that I was in the parking lot of the casino. My brain had been too foggy to remember this when I’d woken up from my nightmare. I’d only planned on taking a short nap after my shift. I’d been so damn tired. Something told me I slept a lot longer than I intended.
I turned on the car, waiting for the time on the clock to show. It was…eight.
In the morning?
Fuck.
“Hey, listen, I was about to call you. I—”
“Ms. Ryan, you said the same thing last week and the week before. I’m done listening to you. You were served an eviction notice seventy-two hours ago. In the meantime, you had every chance to pay up. I still haven’t received a dime.”
“I have money.” I grabbed my purse off the passenger seat, frantically trying to unzip the top. I dug around inside until I found the wad. “I just got a job at the casino in Bangor, so I’ll be able to pay you everything I owe you.”
“You’re going to bring me the money right now?”
My fingers tightened around the cash. “Not all of it. Just some of it, but I’ll give you everything I have.”
“How much is that?”
I calculated how much I would need for gas and my cell phone bill and an extra twenty in case something came up. “Around three hundred.”
“Three hundred isn’t even close to the amount you owe me, Ms. Ryan.”
“I know, but—”
“I want you out. You have one hour…or your things will become my property.”
My forehead dropped to the steering wheel, the freezing leather practically piercing my skin.
My body swayed back and forth.
Was this really happening?
“One hour?” I repeated. “That’s all you’re going to give me?”
“You heard me,” he said. Then the phone went dead.
CHAPTER SIX
BRADY’S LANDLORD didn’t care that I’d have no place to go once he kicked me out, or that it had taken me an entire month to find a job—or that three hundred and eighty-five dollars was more than I’d ever made in one day, and I was willing to give most of it to him. He just wanted his money—all of it—and I didn’t have enough to make him happy.
I didn’t bother putting down the phone. I just called Shane’s number. “It’s me,” I said when he answered. “We have a problem.”
“It’s not Brady, is it?”
Shane had texted me the prior morning, telling me he’d dropped Brady off at rehab, that he was still detoxing pretty hard and the meds weren’t really helping. But at least he was someplace safe, someplace that would help him get through this. From the sound of Shane’s reaction, he had lingering fears that something bad had happened already…or that Brady had left.
“No, I haven’t heard from him,” I said, hoping it reassured him. “It’s about his apartment.”
Shane sighed in relief. “I’m in the middle of a meeting and can’t really talk right now. Can you swing by my job site in about twenty and we can discuss whatever is going on?”
I checked the time; I had fifty-eight minutes. It would take at least forty-five to get to Bar Harbor. There was a chance Vince would give me a little more time if Shane were the one asking for it. I’d ask Shane to call him when I got there.
“That’s fine,” I said, “but it’s going to be a little more than twenty. Where are you?”
“That old B&B at the end of Cottage Way. It’s right off Main Street.”
I put the car in drive and began to pull out of the parking lot. “I’ll see you soon.”
It felt like the drive took forever this time. Cottage Way was just outside the downtown area, only a few minutes from the Trap House and Brady’s apartment, so I knew the area well. I hadn’t been going out much—mostly because I didn’t have the money—so I hadn’t realized the old B&B had been sold. The place had been for sale for close to a year, and I didn’t think they’d ever find a buyer. But something was definitely happening now. Workers in hardhats were rushing in and out of the building; tools and machinery were parked all over the front lawn.
Shane was standing on the front steps with Josh, one of his helpers, holding a set of blueprints. He stopped chatting when I reached them and gave me a hug…carefully, though, like he always did, knowing where not to touch.
“What’s going on here?” I asked, secretly hoping some rich, out-of-town investor was making the B&B into a restaurant and needed to hire a full staff. I probably wouldn’t make as much money here as I would at the casino, but it would save me hours of commuting and gas—and the uniform would likely be more comfortable.
“It’s a huge renovation,” Shane said. “We’re gutting the whole building and making it into a place called The Harbor Spa.”
“A spa?”
A twinge of disappointment fluttered through my chest. From the time I’d gotten my scar, I’d wanted so much to go to cosmetology school. I may not have been able to stand the sun shining on my face, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t help others glow in their own light. I’d been supporting myself since I was sixteen, which made it impossible to save enough for school. There was something more important I’d been stashing away money for. That took almost all the extra cash I had.
“It’ll be a real high-end place,” Shane said, his eyes wandering over the building, “nicer than anything we have now and ready just in time for season.” The expression on his face was just like the one he wore when Brady did something to make him proud. Shane truly loved his job; I was envious of that. He turned his full attention to me. “Anyway, you said you wanted to talk about the apartment?”
My gaze moved to the ground. “With Brady gone and losing my job, I haven’t been able to afford the rent. The landlord wants me out. Today.”
“Today?”
I looked up, expecting to see disappointment. But there was only stress and worry on his face, which I understood completely. I was feeling the same things myself. “Like, in fifteen minutes,” I said.
He ran his fingers through his hair. “I can’t leave right now. I’ve got a meeting in ten minutes, and we’re starting the plumbing this afternoon.”
“I’m so sorry, Shane.” And I really was. I didn’t want Brady to lose his apartment or any of his things that were inside, because that would mean I’d be losing them, too. I just didn’t know how I could save any of it.
He shook his head, pulled his hand out of his pocket and rested it on my shoulder. He was the only parent who embraced me…the only one I allowed to. He’d taken me in when I needed it. I considered him more of a father than my own. Mine had taken off before my brother had even been born and I hadn’t heard from him since. If I knew anything of the word “father,” it was because Shane ha
d been in my life. “This isn’t your fault, Rae. It wasn’t your job to pay Brady’s rent. How much does he owe?”
“About twenty-five hundred.”
“Dammit.” He shook his head. The dark circles under his eyes suddenly seemed even darker. “I don’t have that kind of money right now. Brady let his health insurance lapse, so I’m paying for his rehab.”
I hadn’t even considered asking Shane for the money or anyone else. This was our mess to handle—mine and Brady’s—not his. He’d given me enough over the years. And I knew even if we ended up being evicted, Brady would be fine. Once he was done with rehab, he’d just crash with Shane for a month or so until he’d saved up enough for another place.
My situation was a little different.
There was no way I would ever go back to Mom’s house; those walls weren’t home anymore, and hadn’t been for a very long time. That space was dead to me. And I didn’t want to squat at Shane’s, either. Going back there would only remind me of how little I’d grown since I had left. I felt enough of that helplessness on my own. Sleeping on Shane’s couch or in Brady’s old bed would just rub that wound until it bled.
“Don’t worry about the apartment,” I said. “I just want to make sure I get Brady’s stuff out before the landlord takes it all. Maybe if you talked to him, he’d give us an extension?”
He reached into his front pocket and pulled out his phone. “Do you have his number?”
I scrolled through my call log and read it off to him. He waited for the landlord to answer as I wandered off toward the water.
I needed to think beyond the apartment.
I hadn’t heard from the manager at the casino, so I was pretty sure I had a full-time job. But even with making that kind of money, it would still take me a few weeks to be able to afford a place on my own. Where would I live in the meantime? Whenever this had happened before, when I was between crashing with the few guys I’d dated in the past, Brady was the one who took me in. That wasn’t going to happen this time.