by Marni Mann
“I like your hair,” I replied, trying to keep things balanced between us as I pulled the coffee closer.
She ran her fingers through the front of it, twirling the strands when she reached the ends. “Thanks…I think I like it. Not quite sure yet.” She sounded so defeated still, so lost. I wondered if this was how I sounded to other people, too. “Irving tells me you stopped by looking for a job. What happened?”
I shrugged. “Things didn’t work out with Saint. I needed hours.”
“No, I mean, why is it that I had to hear it from your uncle and not you?”
The interrogation had begun. Whether or not she meant it that way, it was how I took it. “Saint and I broke up. He found someone else, and I’m not working for him anymore. End of story.” Her eyes told me she didn’t believe it was that simple. “I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, so I didn’t tell you.”
I never told her much about what was going on in my life. I didn’t know why she would be surprised that I hadn’t called her about this. We hadn’t had that kind of relationship in a long time.
“Oh…okay.”
“You don’t believe me.”
Her brows rose. “I didn’t say that, Rae.”
I stared as hard and as directly as I could into her dark chocolate irises. We both knew the implications of truth-telling in our lives. “Believe whatever you want.”
“So you’ve moved on, then?” Her eyes dropped to my outfit.
I took a deep breath, trying to calm the anger that was building. “Why don’t we just talk about why we’re here.” I took a sip of the coffee… it was black. No flavored creamer. No added sweetness. She didn’t even know how I took my damn coffee.
Considering that I’d moved out of her house when I was sixteen, it would’ve been ridiculous for me to think she knew anything about me anymore.
“I’ve missed my daughter. That’s all.”
That’s all? When it came to us, there was no such thing. There was always something more lingering below the surface.
“You only ever seem to miss me around the month leading up to Darren’s birthday,” I told her.
“I miss you all the time, Rae,” she sighed. “But you know how difficult it gets around this time of the year.” She reached across the table, her fingers circling my wrist. Her thumb and middle finger overlapped each other. “Looks like you’ve been feeling it, too.”
She was measuring me.
I rolled my eyes and pulled out of her grasp. “Don’t pretend you know how I feel.”
“Rae, I don’t—”
“And don’t pretend you know my pain, either. You have no idea what I’ve gone through, or what I continue to go through every day.”
Her gaze turned steely. “I know more than you give me credit for.”
Even after all this time, we still hadn’t dealt with our emotions concerning everything that had gone down—especially not about the events that had led up to the night I’d gotten my scar. It never took long before one of us got to this point, and it was almost always me. We allowed our emotions to build, even though they never spilled. Tears threatened to drizzle, but they never approached a downpour, or even came close. There wouldn’t be one today, either. I needed to get out of there before I really lost my cool.
I lifted the coffee off the table and pushed my chair back. “Listen, it was nice to see you. You look good. I’ve got to go now.”
“Wait, Rae.” I halted while she gathered her nerve. “Will you at least think about coming over for your brother’s birthday? It would be nice if we were together on that day.” She didn’t look at me. She watched her cup instead, wrapping her fingers around the lid, her chest rising and falling much faster than it needed to.
“There’s nothing to think about. The answer is no.”
Her eyes filled with tears. “You know Gerald—”
“I’m not talking about him.”
“But he’s—”
“I’m. Not. Talking. About. Him.”
I used to hate her for everything that had happened. I realized then that my hatred had turned into pity. She couldn't seem to move forward. Then again, neither could I.
Maybe I pitied us both.
With everything that was already going through my head, Gerald was the last thing I wanted to think about. I stood and moved to her side, glaring down at the top of her bob. “Bye, Mom.” I didn’t give her a chance to respond.
I dropped the coffee in the trash can by the door and headed out onto the sidewalk. She’d chosen to meet at the only café on Main Street. It was the start of everyone’s workday; there was a line all the way to the end of the block. I kept my eyes on the ground, held the collar of the sweatshirt just under my chin and began to walk. I didn’t want anyone to recognize me. I wasn’t exactly dressed for meeting people. I had no makeup on, and the cold air would only intensify the colors in my scar.
After only a few steps, I realized avoiding contact would be impossible.
A golden-haired dog had come rushing out of line, greeting me with squinty eyes and a wagging tail. Her tongue licked the tips of my fingers.
Bella.
As much as I couldn’t stand Drew, I adored her yellow Lab. She was too cute to ignore, and she made it nearly impossible, swishing all around my legs as I tried to take a step. “Hi, girl,” I said, scratching behind her ears while she reached up to kiss me.
“Keep walking, Rae.”
I froze when I heard Saint’s voice. The last time I had seen him was when he’d fired me. Had it been Drew in line to get coffee, she probably wouldn’t have said anything to me at all. She was too polite to call me out, too reserved to cause a scene. But Saint wasn’t afraid of anyone, especially me. I wondered why I hadn’t felt his stare. I usually knew when he was nearby; as strange as it was, my chest would start to tingle in his presence.
That hadn’t happened this time.
“I’m just petting her,” I said. I finally looked up and found him on the sidewalk, his arm around Drew’s waist. She held Bella’s leash. His black jeans, black button-down shirt and loosely-laced black boots only emphasized his seductiveness. The hints of pain I still saw in his honey-colored eyes added to it as well. But none of it triggered anything within me anymore. I remembered our connection; I just didn’t miss it.
I was curious if Drew ever noticed the scars I had left on his body. The ones on his shoulders, places where my nails had dragged across his flesh. I hadn’t done it to hurt him; he’d begged me to make him bleed, to open his skin and release the demons that gnawed at him. So while he was ravaging me and giving me my release, my fingers were giving him his.
Those moments were long gone.
“Keep your fucking hands to yourself,” he said, “and that includes keeping them away from my girl.”
I didn’t know which girl he was referring to. I lifted my fingers off Bella and shoved them in the pockets of Hart’s sweatshirt. “Wasn’t planning on touching her again.”
Even when I’d made him bleed, I never felt any relief come from him. He’d been so wounded, and because I was so focused on mending him, I didn’t respond to what he had really been asking for. He’d wanted to see my scars—the ones that existed underneath my skin rather than on its surface. I couldn’t show him. I hadn’t even tried. Our relationship wasn’t about my scars. It was about caring for him in a way I hadn’t been able to care for others in my life when they’d really needed me to.
It didn’t matter anymore.
Now he just hated me. He couldn’t have made it more obvious, inspecting me with such contempt, like I was a wad of gum stuck on the bottom of his boot. I wished we could be friends—that I’d been a little more composed when he’d finally ended things and kicked me out. That I hadn’t lashed out at Drew like I did.
“If you do it again, Rae, we’re going to have problems,” he told me. “I don’t even want you talking to her. Got it?”
My eyes finally moved to Drew. I envied her ability to care for
him, since she was obviously better at it than me. But Saint’s warnings weren’t a joke, and really I had no reason to touch her again. From what Brady had told me, she’d been through a lot of shit, too. That alone made me regret hitting her. But I also regretted it because whatever I’d felt for Saint wasn’t there anymore. My urge to heal him was gone. I’d wasted my energy being violent over something that ended up being insignificant.
My gaze slowly shifted back to him. “Got it.”
“Now start walking.”
I didn’t even try to give Bella a final pat. I just shouted “Screw you” in my head and continued on to my car.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
“IT’S ALWAYS SO NICE to see you, Rae,” Mary said from behind the counter. “Are you here for your usual deposit?”
Mary had been waiting on me since I’d opened my accounts at Bar Harbor Savings Bank five years ago. Over the years, I’d learned that she had started working here right out of high school. She was in her sixties now.
Bar Harbor may have been a town that held many secrets, but it didn’t like change.
Neither did I.
“Thanks, Mary. I am.” I pushed the white envelope across the counter. It held five hundred in cash. The same amount I always deposited.
“Missed you last month, dear. First time you skipped a deposit since I can remember. I was worried about you. I’m glad to see things are all right.”
Last month was the only one I’d ever missed. I wouldn’t let that happen again. And after a few more shifts, I hoped to be able to make up for it.
“Lost my job…it took me a few weeks to find a new one, but I did. I’m back on track now.”
I had no idea why I told her that. Mary knew nothing about me other than I came in once a month and handed her an envelope filled with cash. But I was proud of myself for finally finding a job, and Brady hadn’t been around to share the happiness. Maybe I wanted someone else to be proud of me, too.
“Of course you did, dear. Smart girls like you always find a way to land on your feet.” She opened the envelope and pulled out the wad of bills, placing it all in the cash machine to be counted. She began to fill out a deposit slip while the bills riffled through the machine. “Savings?”
I smiled, keeping my face pointed directly at her. She never looked at my scar, so there was no reason to give her the good cheek. “Always.”
“Still, got to ask.” She gave me her full denture grin and wrote my account number on the top of the slip. “Getting a good little nest egg here. Someone taught you right. Must have been your mama.”
My mom was the reason I wanted to save, not the person who had taught me to do it. That wasn’t something I could share with Mary. I just continued to smile.
A text came through on my phone. It was Shane, wanting to know if I was free for an early lunch. I wrote back asking where he wanted to meet.
“Can you sign this for me, dear?”
I glanced up, gently accepting the pen from her delicate, aged hands and signed the bottom of the slip.
“See you next month,” she said. It wasn’t a question. She knew it didn’t need to be.
“Yes, you will.” I took the receipt, waved good-bye and turned for the door. Before I’d even gotten outside, Shane had sent another text with the name of the diner just down the street. I let him know I’d be there in a few minutes. The spa was just as close to the diner as the bank was; I knew I wouldn’t have to wait long for him.
And I didn’t.
He opened my car door before I even had it in park. As I stepped out, he opened his arms to give me a hug, keeping one hand on my shoulder and the other in the middle of my back. He knew the proper touch. Whenever he embraced me, I breathed differently. My eyes closed. My face tucked into his neck. I could completely relax.
This was how a parent’s embrace was supposed to feel.
“Let’s get you some food, and you can tell me all about your night with Hart.” His eyes widened. “Not in that kind of detail, of course…just in general.”
He kept his hand on my shoulder as we walked toward the entrance. I glanced at him, noticing how his lips had spread into a smile and his ocean-colored eyes were completely avoiding me. “How did you know I was with Hart?” I hadn’t told him.
It had to have been Hart.
I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.
Shane laughed. “He came to work this morning with the same look you’re wearing right now.”
“That’s impossible,” I laughed, although half of me liked that thought. “I just saw Drew and Saint a little while ago, so the look you’re seeing isn’t related to Hart.”
“No?” He let out a deep chuckle and squeezed my shoulder a little harder. “I beg to differ. Knowing how you feel about Drew and Saint, you’re looking way too happy for this to be about them. Besides, if it wasn’t for your expression, the sweatshirt is a dead giveaway…and the sweats.”
Shit.
I kept forgetting that I was still dressed in Hart’s clothes. I’d left the coffee shop, paid my cell phone bill, made my car payment and headed straight to the bank. I really needed to get back to Caleb’s to change or grab all my stuff…or whatever it was that I planned on doing. I still wasn’t sure if I was going to move into Hart’s.
“Just so you know, I slept in the guest room.” Since my clothes confirmed I had stayed at his place, I felt like I needed to explain myself. If there was anyone in the world I wanted to think decently of me, it was Shane.
“You know, Rae, I always want to know when you’re happy. And if you’re not, I want to know that too, so I can help fix it.”
I wrapped my hand around his fingers and gently tugged on them. “You do that, even if you don’t realize it.”
He opened the door for me, and we walked inside the diner and seated ourselves.
“Have you heard from Brady?” I asked, opening the menu the waitress handed to me.
“Before we get into that,” he said gravely, “I need to know what happened to you the night Hart asked for Caleb’s address. The mystery of it all has been haunting me.”
I couldn’t lie to Shane. I had to explain things. But I didn’t have to tell him every detail of what had happened. I didn’t want him worrying, or knowing what kind of position I’d put myself in. And he didn’t need to go ballistic and end up in jail over something stupid. He hated Caleb enough for the influence he’d had on Brady. This would send him over the edge.
“I’m fine. Promise.”
He leaned into the table, running his hands over the stubble on his chin that would soon turn into a beard. The guys in Bar Harbor got lazier in the winter and hardly ever shaved. It was something I liked, actually. “Are you living with Caleb?”
I hesitated, but nodded eventually.
“Had I known that was your plan, I would have tried to talk you out of it. Is that why you didn’t tell me?”
“No. It was just going to be for a few weeks until I saved up some cash.”
“You can take care of yourself, I know that. But it’s November…and then it’ll be December…and you don’t need this added shit right now.”
Twenty-four days.
I shut the menu and crossed my hands over my stomach. “I had coffee with Mom today, so add her into the mix, too.”
“Your mom, Saint and Drew all in one day? Christ.”
The waitress stood at the end of our table with a pad in her hand. She looked at me first to take my order. “Full stack of pancakes with a side of extra crispy French fries, and a Coke.“ I glanced at Shane, a smile lighting up his cheeks. He knew how my stomach was during this time of the year, which was probably the cause of his expression. “Hell, if it’s going to force its way up later, at least I’m going to enjoy it while it goes down,” I told him.
He peered up at the waitress. “I’ll have the same thing.” She collected our menus and left our table. His hands folded together, and he picked at his cuticles. There was dried glue on his thumbs.
I made myself look away from his hands.
“Back to Brady,” I said. “Have you heard from him?”
“Not yet, but he should be getting phone privileges real soon.” He paused as the waitress dropped off our drinks, letting her pass before he continued. “I chatted with his counselor this morning: he’s out of detox and doing okay. Things got pretty rough when he was going through withdrawal. The swelling in his face and the broken ribs they found didn’t help matters, and he had a cracked tooth that they had to deal with, too. But the counselor said Brady’s following all the rules, listening and participating. Can’t ask for more than that, can we?” His smile was hopeful.
I felt a little relief from Shane’s news, but not enough to relax entirely. Brady had only been in rehab for about a week. Now that he had finally detoxed, he’d have to deal with his demons. That was going to be the hardest part, made worse by the fact that I couldn’t be there with him while he was doing it. When I’d lived with him and Shane, there had been so many nights when he’d held my hand as I’d sobbed out my fears and memories.
I wanted to do the same for him.
It killed me that it wouldn’t be possible.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
“THE WAY HART hauled you out of here, we weren’t sure when we’d be seeing you again,” Jeremy said after he opened the door. He acted as if he hadn’t spoken to me in days, which wasn’t true at all.
“I sent you a text while I was at work to let you know I was coming over as soon as I got back to Bar Harbor…and you responded and you said that was fine,” I told him.
His eyes practically popped out of their sockets. His arms wouldn’t stop swinging back and forth, his feet taking turns to kick some invisible ball into the air. “Oh yeah…yeah. Yeahhhhhh.”
I shadowed him to the living room and took my usual place on the couch, which put Caleb in between us. “Is he okay?” I whispered to Caleb.
“Been at it all day...and night. Ignore him. He’s long gone.”
“Shut it,” Jeremy yelled. “I ain’t gone, I’m…goooooone.”