by Paula Stokes
I will not look down.
I will not see broken bodies.
Then, twisting.
Falling.
My heart pulls loose from my gut, clawing at my throat, exploding out through my lips. We hit the bottom of the hill and I gasp, but then the coaster pulls us up and into a turn. I slide left against Jordy. My knees slam into the lap bar and my teeth rattle in my gums. Then another hill, this one gentle enough not to rearrange my insides.
I force myself to focus on a plan, like how I did on the team bus. What would I do if our car derailed? Or if a section of the track collapsed and we crashed to the ground? Yell for everyone to brace themselves and protect their head and chest. Brace myself. Protect my own head and chest.
Another hill.
Call for help. Survey the scene.
Three hills in rapid succession.
Give CPR. Provide pressure to bleeding wounds.
A sharp turn. This time Jordy slides against me.
Keep people with possible back injuries from moving. Enlist the help of bystanders.
I remind myself that I’m not alone. Penn is here. Jade is here. And Jordy, his hand curled around my forearm as promised. I focus on his touch.
Slowly, we climb again. This is it, the grand finale, the final hill, steeper than the first hill.
I am so close. We are all so close. I inch my left hand from my vise grip around the lap bar to Jordy’s hand.
“That’s my girl,” he says.
Freefall.
Weightlessness.
That moment where everything rushes past so quickly that it melds into a blur of nothingness. Then my whole body shudders as we roar toward the station, my bones shaking loose from their joints. I barely hear the screams. I barely hear the hiss of brakes as my body jolts forward and then backward.
We’re back at the start. We did it.
I did it.
Jordy nudges me. “You getting out, or do you want to go again?”
“Ha,” I say. “Maybe in ten years or so.” With trembling muscles, I step from the roller coaster car onto the wooden platform. I pause for a moment, clinging to a metal railing, finding my breath again. I sense Jordy behind me before I feel his hand on my lower back. He shelters me with his arms as people push past us.
“Are you okay?” he asks. “You’re really pale.”
Instead of answering, I turn into his body, my head coming to rest against his chest, my arms looping around his neck. “Thank you.”
“You’re the one who did it.”
“But you helped.”
“But you didn’t need my help.” He presses his lips to my temple.
He’s right. He’s so right. For so many years I let fear make me a prisoner. I stood at the edge and looked down. I just needed to find the courage to jump. If I can do this, I can get on a plane. And if I can get on a plane, maybe I’m ready to face some other fears too. Without warning, I turn my head and lift my chin, aligning my lips with Jordy’s.
“Maguire,” he says.
I kiss him. And then it’s my turn to hold him up. I wrap my arms around his waist and crane my neck to look up at him. “I’m not afraid anymore,” I say. “Well, I am. But I’m ready. I’m ready to face my fears.”
Jordy gives me a long look, one that makes the bottom drop out of my stomach. “What are you saying?”
“I want to be your girlfriend,” I tell him. “If you still want that.”
And out of all the things I’ve done since August—making the therapy challenge list, trying out for tennis, kissing Jordy—nothing has been half as scary as saying that out loud.
CHAPTER 34
And now it’s Jordy’s turn to kiss me. “I would like that very much,” he says.
The two of us stand pressed together as another group of riders exits the Giant Dipper and heads back to the main path. Jordy hugs me so hard my insides feel squished. He lifts me a few inches off the ground and spins me around in a circle.
“Careful,” I warn. “I’m still a little shaken up. I don’t want to throw up on you and wreck the moment.”
“Nothing can wreck this moment,” he says. But he lowers me back to the ground. “We’d better go find the girls before they start to worry.”
We stroll out the exit hand in hand. Penn and Jade are waiting right outside. They both bombard me with hugs.
“I can’t believe you did it,” Penn says. “You’re amazing.”
“Bloody brilliant,” Jade agrees. “Did you have fun?”
I start to say no, but then think of that final moment when I held Jordy’s hand—that instant of weightlessness when my mind finally let go of the fear. “Maybe a little, in a ‘I feel like I just got the crap kicked out of me’ way.”
“Hey,” Penn says abruptly as we all head for the parking lot. “Were you guys holding hands a second ago?”
“Maybe,” I say.
She turns to Jade with a grin. “Pay up.”
Jade narrows her eyes at Jordy and me. She pulls a ten-dollar bill from her purse and hands it to Penn. “I should’ve known better than to bet against the awesome romantic power of a roller coaster.” She coughs. “I can drive home if you two want to sit in the back together.”
“I don’t think that’ll be necessary,” I say wryly.
“So was this your last challenge for Daniel?” Jordy asks. “In preparation for your plane trip?”
“Technically I have one more.” I think about the discussion Daniel and I had in his office, about how I need to relinquish control to someone else. “Lucky number seven.”
Jordy slings an arm around my shoulder. “I don’t think you’re going to need it.”
“Maybe not,” I say. “But my gut says I should finish.”
I drop Jade off first and then park my car across the street from Jordy’s house. I turn off the ignition, and everyone gets out. Penn gives me a quick hug. “Thanks for driving. I’ll see you at practice.”
“Thanks for inviting me,” I tell her. “You have no idea how much this day meant.”
She glances over at her brother, who is messing with his phone and doing a crappy job of pretending not to eavesdrop on us. “Pretty sure I do.”
“Not just about that,” I say. “You guys helped me do something I never even imagined was possible.” I hug her again. “Right now almost everything seems possible.”
“Good.” Penn tugs on the end of her braid. “Okay. I’ll let you two . . . talk.”
Jordy gives her a murderous look and she giggles before turning away and heading up the driveway to the Wheeler house.
After she’s gone, Jordy and I stand next to my car for a few minutes. “Do you want to come in?” he asks.
I imagine the look on his mom’s face when she sees us together. I shake my head. “One scary thing per day.”
“Okay. Just know I’ll be next to you for that one too, when you’re ready. And you kicked ass today. I’m proud of you.”
“Thanks,” I say. “Speaking of kicking ass, now that you’re talking to me again, how was Brazil really?”
“Brazil was stellar.” Jordy tosses his hair back from his face. “Amazing people. Amazing food. I wish I had made it to the finals. I still feel kind of sluggish, like I’m not quite myself. But just getting back out there on the circuit helped a ton.”
“I’m feeling better too. Like the challenges are more than just therapy. Like they’re . . . a ceremony—a way to tell the Universe that I’m done letting it scare me.”
Jordy smiles. “Substitute in ‘my mother’ for ‘the Universe’ and I’m right there with you.”
“Well, it sounded to me like you were making progress with her,” I say.
“That’s because I finally have something I’m not willing to let go of.”
I blush. “I wanted to ask you something. Daniel said part of my problem is that I’m a control freak. He said I should have someone else set up my last challenge for me. That I should relinquish control completely.”
Jordy steps in c
lose, one hand coming up to touch my face. “You want that someone to be me?”
I nod. “I trust you.”
His smile is positively radiant. He’s looking at me like I just asked him to prom or something instead of asking him to set up a therapy challenge. “The Giant Dipper is going to be tough to beat,” he says. “Let me think about it.”
Jordy calls me later that night. “I got it. I came up with something to do for your last therapy assignment. I also told my mom we’re hanging out again, but we can wait until afterward to make things with us official if you want. Hell, we can wait until you get back from Ireland if you want.”
“Official . . . Is there some sort of Wheeler girlfriend ceremony I don’t know about?” I ask, only half joking. I imagine his mother producing a stack of release forms for me to sign okaying a criminal background check and review of my report cards.
“No, but it’ll be harder to shield you from my parents if Penn and I are using the G-word. They’ll probably want to invite you over for a nice dinner and interrogation.”
“Yeah, like I said earlier, I’m not quite ready to meet your mom in the daylight.”
“Okay, there’s no rush. She’ll come around. She doesn’t think you’re some scandalous groupie who’s after me for my fame or anything.”
“Ha. Kimber seemed to think that.” I tell him about my bathroom conversation.
He chuckles. “Wait. You thought the two of us hooked up?”
“Everybody thinks that, Jordy. Because of how possessive she is around you. Besides, you told me you guys kissed. I just assumed you used to be together.”
“Well, instead of assuming, maybe ask me next time,” he says. “That was my first kiss. It happened at tennis camp when I was thirteen—more because both of us were curious about kissing than because we wanted to kiss each other. Now she’s almost like a sister looking out for me. That’s how we are.”
“Yeah, she told me,” I say.
“Is there anything else people are saying about me that has you concerned? Rumors I should know about?”
I want to say no, but maybe this is the perfect moment to get rid of all my doubts. So I tell him what I’ve heard about him hooking up with girls at parties and then ignoring them.
Jordy sighs deeply. “Okay, here’s the real story. I’ve been doing the online-classes thing since eighth grade. It’s been great for my game, but I missed out on a lot of social stuff early on. When I started playing in bigger events, the local players always seemed to be having after-parties. My parents let me go so I could get to know the other guys on the tour. There were girls at these parties. I was an idiot. Shit happened.”
“So it’s true then,” I say softly.
“I hooked up with girls, but I never took advantage of anyone, if that’s what you’re asking. And I never lied about my intentions. There was one girl from around here who really seemed to like me, and I liked her too. We dated for a while, but my mom caught me skipping out on a practice session to meet up with her. Then I lost a couple of important matches, and someone posted a photo of us kissing online. My parents found it and told me I had to choose. I could be a normal teen with a normal social life, or I could keep training to hopefully turn pro. But they weren’t going to spend thousands of dollars a month on my coaching and tournament fees if I was going to blow matches because of a girl.”
“Ah,” I say.
“Plus I was sixteen and the girl was eighteen, and I knew she was going off to college in Florida, so the decision seemed obvious. I texted her and said I wasn’t allowed to date anymore and then avoided her at a few events. Pretty lame, I know.” He sighs. “I tried to apologize after she left for college, but she didn’t want to hear it, and I don’t blame her.”
“Alyssa?” I ask.
The silence at the other end of the line is deafening. Then Jordy says, “Did Kimber tell you about her too?”
“No.” I sigh. “I looked you up online.”
“Oh,” he says. “Sometimes I forget that I’m not allowed to have any secrets.”
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I guess I got scared. I didn’t dig very deep.” My excuses sound lame, even to me. “I won’t do it again.”
“I’d appreciate that. If there’s something you want to know, just ask me.” He pauses. “Things are different now, okay? I’m not the same person I was back then. I know what I want. I can balance a personal and professional life. And if my parents refuse to accept that, then I guess I can go pro on my own.”
“But you told me you needed your parents.”
“Yeah, well, I’m hoping it won’t come to that,” Jordy says. “My parents and I need each other. I just have to make them understand that I’m not a little kid anymore.” He clears his throat. “Anyway, I’m running a youth workshop next Saturday, and what I have planned for your last assignment is kind of an all-day thing. Maybe we can do it next Sunday?”
“Sounds good to me.” Anticipation courses through my blood. I try to imagine what it’s going to feel like to be finished.
“Next Sunday it is then,” Jordy says. “Your final challenge.”
CHAPTER 35
The week flies by. I wake up on Sunday shaking with anxiety. I tell Mom and Tom that I’m going to hang out with Jordy, and luckily they don’t press for details once I promise to text them if we’re going to be out of cell-service range. On the way to Jordy’s house, I struggle to focus on my driving. I keep thinking about what it all means—that I have a boyfriend. That we’ll go on dates, maybe to prom. My life is totally about to change, and I should be excited, but I can’t shake off this nagging sense of dread. Like none of this is actually happening.
Like the past couple of months have been a dream and I’m about to wake up.
When I pull up and park in front of Jordy’s house, he’s sitting on the porch, his long legs stretched out in front of him. He watches me walk up the driveway.
I sit next to him, gently bumping my knee with his knee. “So are you going to tell me where we’re going?”
“Nope.” He runs his hand along the scar on my thigh, the only evidence remaining of my ill-advised jump from my bedroom window.
His touch warms me from the inside out. I purse my lips into a fake pout. “Come on. What is it? Bungee jumping? Skydiving?”
He gives me a cryptic smile. “It’s weird to think about being done, isn’t it? Are you going to keep seeing Daniel? Maybe add to your list of challenges?”
“I think my mom said my treatment package is twenty sessions, so I’ll still have a few left. I don’t know. I’m less nervous and I’m doing fewer checks, but I wouldn’t say I’m ready to go it alone. I guess we’ll see how I feel when I get back from Ireland.”
“Cool.” Jordy stands up and stretches his long arms over his head. As we walk down the driveway, he wraps an arm around me. “How are you feeling about your trip?”
“Better. Still scared, but I have a whole month to keep riding the team bus and some local buses. And then my stepdad is going to take me to San Jose with him for a work thing.” I smile as I think about my conversation with Tom. “We’re going to ride the bus up there and maybe take a plane home.”
“That’s perfect!” Jordy opens the door for me and then jogs around to slide behind the wheel. “And remember, you don’t ever have to go it alone. If you want me to ride a city bus with you or something, just say the word.” He squeezes my hand and then clicks his seat belt and checks all his mirrors. He signals before pulling away from the curb.
We wind through his subdivision, taking the back exit. He makes a left and a right and merges seamlessly onto a highway that leads to downtown San Diego. I start guessing things to do that are close to the city. “Gaslamp Quarter? Maritime Museum? SeaWorld?”
He shakes his head to all of them. We pass straight through the city and head toward the coast.
“Ooh, surfing?” I ask. “Snorkeling?”
“No.”
“Shark diving?” Man, I hope it’s not s
hark diving.
“I’m not going to tell you, Maguire.”
“Why not?”
“Because that’s the idea, right? If you don’t know where you’re going, then you can’t try to control things.” He peeks at me out of the corner of his eye. “I’m hoping you won’t be mad at me when you see what it is.”
“Why would I be mad at you?”
Instead of answering, Jordy flicks on the radio.
I reach out and turn it off. “Sorry,” I say. “I’m not ready to drive with distractions yet.”
“No worries.” He smiles without taking his eyes off the road.
I try to think of all of the possible things we might do involving the ocean. Surfing, snorkeling, shark diving, sailing—all risky activities. But none of them seem like they would make me angry at Jordy.
But if we were going to get wet, he would have told me to bring dry clothes. Unless of course he didn’t want to tip me off about where we were going. Or maybe he has dry clothes in the trunk.
I watch the miles of highway fly by. We slow to a snail’s pace outside of Los Angeles, but Jordy only shakes his head when I look at him expectantly. We sit mired in traffic for the better part of an hour, but eventually it thins out and we leave the glitzy skyline painted with smog behind. I sit back and try to relax as we continue along the Pacific Coast Highway. But then a terrible thought flickers through my mind.
“How far is this place?” I ask, my throat going dry.
“Not much farther now,” Jordy says, his voice also uneven.
I turn in my seat to face him. He’s staring straight ahead, both hands tightly gripping the wheel. “We’ve been driving for over three hours. Where exactly are we going?”
No answer.
“Are we going where I think we’re going?” This highway is good for only two things—travel to the ocean and travel to the cities along the coast. Another hundred miles north of us is San Luis Obispo, the city where I was born.
The city where my father, brother, and uncle are buried.
And outside the city, the place where the three of them died.
Jordy mutters something about a faster route. We leave the coastline, turning north into a wooded area. I pull out my phone and Google a map of California. This road will take us to SLO. The car starts to feel like a trash compactor, like the walls are closing in on me. I should have known—the party at Kimber’s, the roller coaster. History repeats itself. Of course the Universe was leading me back to what started it all. “Sometimes forgetting is more therapeutic than remembering, don’t you think?” I ask through clenched teeth.