So, now, this new insight—it was exciting. And unsettling. It had me all agitated, tossing and turning. And feeling guilty. Because Finn was my boyfriend—and he was sweet and thoughtful and wonderful—an awesome boyfriend. Ugh, that is until this summer. He wasn’t so much these days.
Still, he was my boyfriend and so, well, I didn’t like being so excited by the possibility that Riley might be into me—even if he was smokin’ hot and smelled yummy.
Finally, I groaned, reaching for my guitar. I had a solo I’d been working on all week. I figured it was better to stress over that, than Riley. Still, even as I played, I couldn’t get Riley’s eyes or words out of my head. Yeah. Right. Exactly.
Riley actually liked me. Wow!
But he was taken too … sort of. Not exactly, though. He and Ava had a stormy relationship that wasn’t exactly a relationship at all. She had an older boyfriend that had gone away to college two years ago—she kind of stringed both guys along, not really ever choosing either of them—flaunting each guy in the other’s face.
But she was a challenge for Riley. He seemed to like that—the challenge. He was very into Ava. And, this summer, she seemed totally into him too. Seemed.
Still, whenever my little brother and sister would drag me and Finn to Riley’s for a dip in his hot tub (okay, they didn’t exactly have to drag us, he had a beach house after all), Ava would give us dirty looks and leave.
“She’s busy,” Riley would always say, and leave it at that whenever Finn asked why Ava was always storming out when we came. But Riley would usually stick around anyway and play with the kids, let us use his hot-tub and the coveted extra parking spot at his house, right on the beach.
He didn’t hang around me—not at all, ever—but he did Finn and the kids. I bugged him—not the kids. They made him laugh.
See, like I said, Riley’s mom died when he was thirteen, so he sort of felt a kinship to my little brother and sister, since they recently lost a parent too. He spoiled them rotten. It was so sweet—and they totally took advantage of it, making Riley take them places and buy them things. But he didn’t seem to mind. Like I said, he seemed to love them. It was so sweet. It melted my heart.
Ugh! My brain seriously needed to stop with the Riley-love-fest. Now. Seize, seize, seize!
Finally, I put down my guitar and snatched my cell phone from my nightstand, texting Finn. Normally, we’d be out together on a Friday night, or snuggling on my couch watching a movie. But tonight there had been some sort of fund-raiser event for some organization and they rented out the community pool, meaning Finn had to work. That’s why I’d closed for Regan tonight, since I had absolutely zero plans.
Still at work? I texted.
Finn texted back almost immediately. Nope. You?
No. Riley closed up for me.
Oh man. If I had known you were off I’d have invited you along. Me and some people from work are at Luigie’s getting pizza. Want to come?
Ugh. My stomach was suddenly twisting in knots. “People” from work no doubt meant Bianca. Probably other people too. But still, grrrr!
No thanks, I texted, so not wanting to hang with him when Bianca was around—hanging on him. I mean, what could I do about her and her obvious desire for my boyfriend? Glare at her all night? Fight with Finn about it? Been there, done them, many times. Both were useless. And both made me feel nauseas. I wasn’t up for hurling. I’m already in bed.
Oh. Want me to swing by after this? Tuck you in?
Why? So I can chew you out for liking another girl—start crying?
No thanks. Going to sleep.
We texted a little more, but when we were done, I didn’t feel any better and I still couldn’t sleep.
CHAPTER 2
The next day, Finn was all pale and distracted as we played around on our guitars in his basement. I was using his guitar, because I loved his guitar and I wanted it—lusted after it.
We were supposed to be working on a new song for his band, but his brain was so not there. It was frustrating and made me uneasy, keep clutching at my stomach.
“What’s up?” I finally asked. “Why are you acting so freaky? What’s wrong?”
Finally, he told me. He and Bianca kissed last night.
“Zoey, I’m so sorry,” he said, truly sounding tormented. “It was a total mistake. It’s just—she was teasing me because I’d never kissed another girl besides you before.” He leaned his head against the wall, squeezing his eyes shut. “And … I don’t know … it just … happened.”
I went home after that and curled into a tight ball on my bedroom floor and bawled.
Finn kept calling, but I kept not answering.
Finally, he texted. Zoey, I’m so sorry. I know what I did was wrong and horrible. And unforgivable. I can’t even ask you to forgive me. But … I want you to try. Please? Will you please try? I love you so much. I don’t want to lose you. Especially not over this—a stupid kiss. It didn’t mean anything.
After reading his text, I fell asleep on the floor, exhausted from crying.
An hour later, Finn texted again.
Do the same, Zoey—kiss someone. I want you to, okay? So we can be even. You’ve never kissed another guy besides me. You have to be curious. So … it’s a Free Pass. Kiss someone Zoey … so you can forgive me. So we can start over—on level ground. Please?
The next day I wasn’t quite so emotional and distraught and actually slightly conversed with Finn when he came to my house. We talked and cried and hugged and fought, and in the end I forgave him. Sort of. Pretty much.
“I meant what I said about the Free Pass,” Finn whispered in my ear as he held me tight in his arms. “I want you to kiss someone—so you don’t feel taken advantage of or betrayed.”
I let out a sigh. If only it were that easy. If only kissing another guy could help me not feel betrayed. But things didn’t work like that. And I had been betrayed. Still, I didn’t want to fight with Finn about it anymore. He felt horrible about what happened. He did. I knew that. But this “Free Pass” wasn’t going to help things. Or anyway, it wouldn’t help me. I mean, it wouldn’t make me feel any better about what happened. But apparently, it would help Finn. Or he hoped it would. He hoped if I kissed someone it could ease his conscience. Help him not feel so guilty. But you know, I wasn’t sure I wanted to help ease his conscience or help him not feel guilty.
CHAPTER 3
The next few days at work, things were back to normal with Riley, as though nothing had happened or been revealed. Only now I would notice him watching me, catch him staring at me when he thought I didn’t notice.
But he still totally avoided me as much as possible, so I was surprised when one day he talked to me of his own accord, telling me I’d make more tips if I wore my hair down.
“Hmm?” I’d been getting drinks for table ten. He’d caught me completely off-guard.
“I’m just saying.” He raised his eyebrows. “You could work your assets more to your advantage.”
“My assets?”
“You just kind of—seem to hide them.”
Them?
I walked off then, not out of anger or indignation or anything like that. We were just busy; I had customers waiting for me. But after talking to him, I did notice that a lot of the other girls totally primped for work and showed off their cleavage (gag!)—worked their assets. Still, yuck, it just wasn’t me.
But then, weirdly, I tried it out the next day anyway, just to see. Instead of putting my long hair in a tight ponytail as I usually did for work, I wore it loose and down. And it did bring in more tips. But I noticed Riley noticing and it made me feel funny.
I went behind a corner in the kitchen and quickly pinned my hair up in a messy bun, but when I looked up, there was Riley across the room, watching me mess with my hair. He quickly looked away, talking with a busboy as though he hadn’t been staring. But he had. It filled me with a strange feeling—a mixture of feelings, really. But the strangest was power. It was like I ha
d power, over Riley. And, of course, I liked that idea, liked it a lot, but it was weird because I’d always thought of Riley as tough, unobtainable and indestructible. So, realizing he had “feelings” … for me … it left me confused.
Actually, my new “Free Pass” status confused me anyway. I’d been with Finn forever. I’d never been single, so never really noticed guys. Or noticed that they noticed me. But now everything was different. Guys were different. Riley was different, so different than what I’d always thought. Suddenly, I didn’t know how to behave. I got so much “eye” attention; I found myself needing to hide.
It was weird.
Everything was weird.
Learning that Riley didn’t hate me, that he actually liked me, left me feeling intoxicated, like I was on a roller coaster—up in the air and out of control. And though it was an exciting feeling, it was also scary. Had me nervous and feeling guilty. It made me sort of wish I didn’t know about Riley’s feelings. Though, truth be told, I still didn’t really know. I mean, did he like me just a little … or a lot? I wondered.
A few days later, though, I sort of got an inkling. When I got to work, the girls pulled me aside.
“Riley’s in his office,” Porcha said. “He’s really down.”
“Ava dumped him.” Regan frowned. “Really, truly chose College-Boy.”
“And he’s sad?” I didn’t realize Riley cared so much. He was kind of a player when it came to girls—went through them really quick … except Ava. I guess she was “The One” when it came to Riley. It kind of made my heart sink a little though, ‘cause Ava was a witch.
“Yeah,” Porcha said. “So, we figured maybe you could go in there and cheer him up.”
“Me?!”
“Yeah. He likes you—a lot,” Porcha said. “Here take off your shirt.” She started unbuttoning the crisp white blouse that we all wore as part of our restaurant’s uniform, stripping me down to the tank top I wore underneath. “He likes you in your tank top.”
“Yeah,” Regan agreed with a little laugh. “He stares at you after closing when you’re cleaning in it. He like, drools.”
“He does?!” I don’t know what astounded me more, learning this, or the way Regan and Porcha were acting, as though we were all dear friends. I mean, usually they were griping at me and swiping my orders.
They put my hair down and fluffed it up, then Porcha led me to Riley’s office. I froze in front of the closed door. “What am I supposed to say?”
“Don’t say anything.” Porcha grinned. “Just show a little leg.”
Regan knocked on the door, then both she and Porcha ran off, leaving me holding a soda.
“Come in,” Riley called.
I took a deep breath and opened the door.
“I heard about Ava,” I blurted out as soon as I entered his office. I said it really quick and loud as I was flustered because Riley looked so surprised to see me. I mean, I never, ever go up to his office, ever. “Riley, I’m so sorry. Here, I brought you a soda. Do you want me to order you a burger or steak or something?”
“No. I’m okay. Thanks.”
He didn’t sound okay. Or look okay. He looked and sounded hurt. I sprang over to him and started rubbing his shoulders. He has super nice shoulders. I didn’t actually realize how much I liked them until I started rubbing them. Then I was like, Oh!
“Hey, Jones, unless you’re planning to start macking with me, you should probably stop.”
I jumped away from him, my heart ricocheting.
“Oh. Sorry,” I said really loud as I was flustered. And a dork. “I was just trying to make you feel better.”
“Yeah. Well, thanks for the coke … and the tank top.”
Gasp, he noticed!
“Do you want me to help you with that?” I asked, referring to the stuff he was working on at his computer. “You can tell me the numbers and I’ll punch them in.”
He sat back in his chair. “Shouldn’t you be, I don’t know, working?”
I sat down beside him, angling the monitor toward me. “No. Everyone’s got me covered. They sent me in here. We’re supposed to be making out.”
Riley just stared at me, maybe wondering why we weren’t, maybe not, I don’t know. Did he know about the Free Pass? I wasn’t sure. Finn tells him everything. But did he tell him that?
I just stared at the computer, ignoring any awkwardness. I waited a while. Finally, Riley started reading off the numbers. When we were finished everything balanced, which seemed to impress Riley, which was, you know, nice.
We sat around talking a bit. I was jabbering away about my little brother and sister. That always seemed to make him smile, and I was supposed to be cheering him up, so I went into one story after another. Riley listened with a grin, looking all interested and enchanted—like my stories were cute—so that only encouraged me.
“Look, Jones,” Riley said after a few hundred stories, “I’m going to start making moves on you in a second. So, unless you want that, you should probably go out there and start waitressing.”
My heart started thumping all spazzy.
I bit my lip.
Hmm. Moves on me from Riley, or waitressing? In my mind the words “Free Pass” flashed in neon. ‘Cause lately I’d felt neglected by Finn—totally un-special. And I’d never been kissed by anyone but Finn, ever. Ever, ever. Plus, this was Riley. Riley! The guy I’d been fantasizing about kissing all summer.
I swallowed. “Moves? You have moves?”
Riley grinned. “Yeah. I have a couple.” He came in close, sounding genuinely surprised, but also seductive. “Do you want to see some of my moves?” His face was so close to mine, our lips brushed.
“Do you, Zoey?” His sexy, soft, pink lips hovered over mine, teasing me.
Mmmmm.
I closed my eyes, hungry to have them press against my mouth, hot and hard—for real. But just as they were about to make actual, true contact, I slammed out of my trance, jerking away from him as though he was on fire, slamming into reality. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t. I wasn’t cut out for Free Passes. I had a boyfriend and it would feel like cheating—totally cheating—if I let Riley kiss me—whether Finn allowed it or not.
Riley rubbed his chin, silently watching me scurry away from him.
At the door, I struggled to catch my breath.
“I better get back to work,” I said in a small voice,
Riley’s gaze flitted to the space I’d put between us, then up into my eyes. He cleared his throat, running his hands through his hair. “I think I’m done for the day.” His lips quirked. “I need to go take a cold shower.”
Yeah, I knew the feeling.
CHAPTER 4
That office incident with Riley was too much for me. It really was. Now every night I would go to bed and have fantasies involving Riley—crazy, weird, freaky fantasies—all with him ending up taking off his shirt. So, work became embarrassing. Whenever I saw Riley I’d blush and stutter and drop things. It was pathetic. It made me avoid him, just like he used to (well, actually, still did) avoid me.
However …
Finn and I seemed to be getting along better these days. After the night he kissed Bianca, he stopped talking about her incessantly. In fact, he stopped talking about her at all. So that was a plus. But still, we seemed sort of … off. Not like we used to be. Finn was kind of distant.
I tried talking to him about it one night as we were writing a song for his and Riley’s band. But Finn didn’t seem to want to discuss it.
He kept biting his lip and looking away.
“I want you to use that Free Pass,” he said. “Do you have anyone in mind?”
The fact that that was his answer made my stomach knot. But I tried to push the queasy uneasiness I felt out of my mind. “Finn, me kissing another guy won’t help.”
“It’ll help me,” he said, sounding tortured. “I don’t like feeling guilty, Zoey.”
Well, I didn’t like feeling betrayed—but I didn’t tell him that. I did
n’t say anything. I just went back to working on the song and coveting his guitar and trying not to think about him and Bimbo Bianca kissing.
CHAPTER 5
Finn had promised me: no more gambling. Sure, he worked lots of hours now at the pool, but still, these days he was losing money way faster than he was raking it in. That sucked on so many levels. One being, he had promised me I could buy his guitar as soon as he bought the new Gibson he was eyeing. But he’d been promising that for months now and was still nowhere near scrounging up the cash—and all I could afford was his old one. I mean, all I could afford and still have an awesome guitar. See, the thing was, now that my dad was dead, my family was basically broke. Mom was almost finished with school and then she would be a CPA and make decent money. But for now, we were just scraping by.
Still, I had saved enough for the guitar. I was itching to get my hands on Finn’s—have it alone. Forever.
I dropped my little brother, Kaleb, off at a sleepover—very late because he changed his mind about going three million times—then I went to hunt up my boyfriend—per his parent’s request. I was pretty sure I knew where to look, as when Finn doesn’t answer his cell it means he’s losing money—big time—usually to Riley. My first stop was the restaurant, since it closes early on weeknights, becoming the perfect spot for poker-night. When I walked in the dining room, big shock, there was Finn in the middle of a game.
As soon as “the guys” saw me, they fell mysteriously silent. No teasing Finn for being, “busted.” No nothing. Just sheepish looks and awkward silence and this tight, tense air hovering in the room.
It was unsettling. Had my stomach twisting. ‘Cause normally, the guys were super friendly to me when I’d show up at a game. They’d be all flirting and teasing and telling me to pull up a chair and join them. But not tonight. Tonight they cut furtive glances to each other with raised eyebrows but wouldn’t look at me—anywhere but at me. What was going on? It had me clutching my stomach, sweating.
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