When the school bell rang at the end of the day, the Grimlets raced outside to the playground. As soon as they were gone, Ms. Schnabel let her head sink down onto the top of her desk. She wished it were Friday. Then she wouldn’t have to face being a teacher again for two whole days.
“Um…Ms. Schnabel?”
She lifted her head and saw that Jane was still there. With the commotion that the Grimlet twins had been causing all week, she’d completely forgotten about Jane.
“Yes?”
“Um…do you want me to take Asta Magnifica home? I bet Mrs. Belphonia-Champlain is worried about her.”
“Who?”
“Mrs. Belphonia-Champlain. She’s Asta Magnifica’s owner.”
Ms. Schnabel looked across the classroom and saw that Asta Magnifica was now eating a wall map of South America. She’d already chewed through most of Chile and Argentina and was just starting on Uruguay.
“I don’t mind,” Jane continued. “I really like dogs, you see. I asked for one for my birthday, but my parents forgot about it.”
“Your parents forgot your birthday?”
“No, not this year,” Jane said. “They just forgot I wanted a dog. Anyway, I’d really enjoy walking Asta Magnifica back to Mrs. Belphonia-Champlain.”
Ms. Schnabel didn’t say anything for a moment. She just stared out the window with that faraway look in her eyes she sometimes got. And just when Jane started to think Ms. Schnabel wasn’t going to answer, she said, “I’d appreciate it, Jane. Thank you.”
*
As Jane led Asta Magnifica out to the playground, she saw Melissa and Eddie huddled under the swing set, making a list in The Book of Dangerous Deeds and Dastardly Intentions.
“Copper tubing,” said Eddie.
“How much, do you think?” Melissa asked.
“Oh, at least five feet.”
“Did you write down the canister of carbon dioxide?”
Eddie scanned the list.
“I’m not sure,” he said. “It’s one of the disadvantages of using invisible ink.”
“How about dry ice?”
They didn’t notice Jane until she’d cleared her throat several times. And once they did notice her, they slammed the book shut and tried to act like they hadn’t been up to anything.
“What are you doing?” Jane asked.
“Oh, nothing,” they said in unison, each trying to sound more innocent than the other.
“Really?”
The twins looked at each other and shrugged.
“It would be okay to tell her, wouldn’t it?” Melissa asked.
“She is our most trusted comrade,” Eddie answered.
“We’re working on our weather machine,” Melissa told her. “We’re trying to finish it in time for the science fair.”
Jane was surprised. “You’re going to enter a project in the science fair? That’s fantastic. Ms. Schnabel will be so pleased.”
Eddie and Melissa gave her identical, disparaging looks.
“We’re not going to enter our weather machine in the science fair,” Eddie said. “What a revolting idea. What we’re going to do is—”
Melissa kicked him hard in the shins to keep him from saying more.
“Are you busy this afternoon?” Melissa asked Jane, changing the subject. “We have grand plans. Did you know that a villainous pirate has recently moved to town?”
“Oh,” Jane said. “You mean Captain Rojo Herring?”
“You know him?” Eddie asked.
“Sure. He lives in the Mansion at the Top of Remarkable Hill. Only he’s not very villainous. He’s really very nice.”
“Don’t be naive,” Melissa said. “All pirates are villainous. That’s why we’re so excited to go meet him. Do you want to come with us?”
“I can’t,” Jane answered. “I’d told Ms. Schnabel that I’d take Asta Magnifica home. You could come with me, since it’s your fault she’s here in the first place.”
“Sorry,” Eddie said. “But that would involve returning to the scene of our crime, and no self-respecting criminal mastermind ever does that.”
Jane told them good-bye and started walking Asta Magnifica back to Mrs. Belphonia-Champlain’s house. There was nothing like taking a dog for a walk to make a person feel important. Maybe when she got home, she would remind her parents that she still wanted a dog of her own.
When she’d asked before, they hadn’t told her no. Her mom had simply looked through her planner and said, “Well, Jane, I don’t believe we’ve scheduled getting a dog this year. I can check the schedule for next year if you’d like.”
“Maybe we could add it to this year’s schedule,” Jane pleaded. “That wouldn’t be too hard, would it?”
“But aren’t dogs…I don’t know…a little messy?” her mom asked worriedly. Messiness would make it harder to stay organized, and it was already hard enough since she was married to a man who lost or forgot everything.
“Maybe at first, when they’re still puppies. But they outgrow it. At least I think they do.”
“And any dog who came to live here would need a doghouse—right? And not just any doghouse, but a really spectacular and well-designed doghouse…” Jane’s mother’s voice trailed off as she started making preliminary doghouse sketches, and Jane’s heart soared with hope.
But several months later, Jane still hadn’t gotten her dog. Her mother, however, had been featured in several prestigious architectural magazines for her pioneering doghouse design and had won a trophy for developing the most innovative pet product of the decade.
When Jane had asked her dad, all he had said was “You know who really needs a dog? One of the characters in my new literary masterpiece.”
“But can I get a real dog, Dad? I promise I’ll take care of it. I was thinking we could name it Shep or Tip, or maybe Rover…”
“Hmmm.” He was lost in deep thought. “But I wonder what the dog in my novel should symbolize…” Then he’d gone back into his office and closed the door behind him without answering her question.
Trouble Comes to Town
When Mrs. Belphonia-Champlain discovered that Asta Magnifica was missing, she immediately hired Detective Burton Sly to find her. He was the greatest detective of all time, and naturally, he lived in Remarkable.
Mrs. Belphonia-Champlain suspected that Asta Magnifica had been dognapped by one of her many rivals from the dog-show circuit. She could easily imagine that Mrs. Drimm of the nearby town of Ditch might want Asta Magnifica out of the way so that her drippy-looking teacup poodle Chamomile would have a chance at winning “Best in Show” in the upcoming regional championships. Or maybe it was Mr. Tully of the town of Shrub, whose own basset hound Dribbles almost always came in second in the “Best of Breed” competition behind Asta Magnifica. And then there was Mrs. Jeeter, who lived in Squint and had a fleet of Afghan hounds that she unjustifiably thought should win more prizes than they did.
Mrs. Belphonia-Champlain did not hear the doorbell when Jane arrived with Asta Magnifica. This was because she was completely engrossed in choosing the perfect photograph of Asta Magnifica for a “Lost Pet” poster she was making. But the noise did not escape Detective Burton Sly, who’d been monitoring the phone in case the dognappers called to demand a ransom.
“Ma’am,” he said. “I heard your doorbell. I believe you will find that someone has rung it.”
Mrs. Belphonia-Champlain, suitably impressed with the detective’s powers of deduction, went to answer the door. She was so overwhelmed with joy when she saw Asta Magnifica on her doorstep that she didn’t even notice Jane.
“Oh, my poor little poopsie!” she shrieked. “How did you escape those bad dognappers? Oh, you clever pup!”
“Ma’am,” said Detective Burton Sly, “if you look up, you will find that there is a small girl attached to your dog by a makeshift leash. I believe she may be responsible for your dog’s safe return.”
Mrs. Belphonia-Champlain, suitably impressed with the detective’s p
ower of observation, looked up and saw Jane for the first time.
“My dear child,” she said, “I don’t believe we’ve met. But I will be forever grateful to you for rescuing my poor, dear Asta Magnifica from those wicked dognappers.”
Jane tried to explain that they had met many times before, and that she hadn’t done anything nearly as interesting as rescuing Asta Magnifica from dognappers, but Mrs. Belphonia-Champlain was too excited to listen. She insisted on giving Jane a large reward for bringing her dog home, and had just gone off to the kitchen to get her checkbook when the phone rang.
It was Mrs. Jeeter, and she was not very happy. That afternoon, she’d discovered a strange man digging through her trash. She’d immediately set her fleet of Afghan hounds on him, and they’d chased him up a tree in a frenzy of barking, yelping, and slobbering. She’d refused to call off her dogs until the man explained that he was one of Detective Burton Sly’s junior detectives and that Mrs. Belphonia-Champlain suspected that Mrs. Jeeter might be involved in the disappearance of her dog.
“Why you think I’d want to dognap your stumpy basset hound is completely beyond me!” Mrs. Jeeter shouted at Mrs. Belphonia-Champlain.
“My basset hound is not the least bit stumpy!” Mrs. Belphonia-Champlain shouted back. “You’d know that if your Afghan hounds weren’t flea-bitten, bowlegged mongrels.”
The two women were soon engaged in a fierce exchange of insults about the conformation, breeding, and dispositions of champion show dogs. Jane could tell that the conversation was not going to end any time soon, and she doubted that Mrs. Belphonia-Champlain would remember that she was planning to give her a reward by the time it was over. Jane nodded good-bye to Detective Burton Sly and slipped outside.
It was a shame that Jane did not get a reward for bringing Asta Magnifica back to Mrs. Belphonia-Champlain. If she had, she might have used the money to give herself a treat instead of heading straight home. She might even have tried to get a scoop of ice cream from Mrs. Peabody’s Colossal Ice Cream Palace. And if Jane had stopped there that day, she would have discovered three more pirates.
These pirates had arrived in Lake Remarkable that morning on a valiant little yawl called The Mozart Kugeln, which they’d sailed up from the ocean via various distributary channels. They were named Jeb, Ebb, and Flotsam—and Mrs. Peabody wasn’t at all pleased to have them in her restaurant. Unlike Captain Rojo Herring, these new pirates were not meticulously dressed, and their table manners were terrible. They cursed at the prices on the menu, ate their banana splits with rusty fishing knives, and made rude faces at the other customers. When they were done eating, Flotsam beat his fist on the table to get Mrs. Peabody’s attention.
“Har!” he growled. Flotsam was the shortest and meanest of the three. “I’ll be wanting a word with you.”
“Argghh!” the other pirates growled in agreement, and they beat their fists on the table, too.
“Well, what is it?” Mrs. Peabody asked, wrinkling up her nose as she walked over to them. The three pirates smelled very strongly of pickled squid and mildew.
“We be looking for a pirate friends of ours. He has two peg legs and a big green parrot. Have you seen the likes of him around here?”
“I’m sure I don’t know who you’re talking about,” Mrs. Peabody said huffily. This wasn’t strictly true, of course. Mrs. Peabody had seen Captain Rojo Herring that very morning. He came to her ice cream parlor almost every day, so he could sit by the window and watch Taftly Wocheywhoski and his crew work on the post office addition. She’d never seen anyone so fascinated by a construction project before. But Mrs. Peabody wasn’t about to mention that Captain Rojo Herring was a regular customer, because she didn’t want Ebb, Jeb, and Flotsam to think she ran the kind of ice cream parlor that was frequented by pirates.
Ebb scowled like he suspected she was lying. He was the tallest of the three and had a patch over one eye.
“Well, if you should see such a man, don’t be telling him that we be asking about him,” Ebb said. “He’s caused us a bit o’ trouble, you see. And if he finds out we’re after him, he’ll run again befores we can return the favor.”
“And we’ll be causing quite a bit of trouble ourselves if we don’ts find ’im,” Jeb added between bites of ice cream. He was almost handsome, almost smart (which is a polite way of saying he was actually quite dumb) and always hungry.
Mrs. Peabody pursed her lips and put the bill for the three banana splits on the pirates’ table. “You can pay at the cash register whenever you’re ready,” she said pointedly, hoping that they would take the hint and go.
Flotsam slapped a grubby-looking gold doubloon on top of the bill, and the three pirates walked out, laughing their mean pirate laughs.
Hmmm
So, Jane, you aren’t busy, are you?” Anderson Brigby Bright Doe III asked as Jane came down the stairs on Saturday morning. He was giving her one of his most dazzling smiles. Jane looked back at him suspiciously without answering. If she answered, she’d have to say she wasn’t doing anything, and then he’d probably ask her for a favor.
“Because if you aren’t busy,” Anderson Brigby Bright continued, “I thought you might like to come look at my new masterpiece. I haven’t showed it to anyone else yet.”
“Really?” Jane asked, feeling suddenly flattered. Anderson Brigby Bright didn’t normally care if she ever saw his paintings or not.
Anderson Brigby Bright’s masterpiece was on an easel in the backyard and covered by a velvet sheet. As Jane stepped in front of it, he whipped the cover off with a flourish.
“Ta-da!” he shouted happily, and then he stepped back and waited for Jane’s praise.
The masterpiece was a photorealistic portrait of Lucinda Wilhelmina Hinojosa. But Jane didn’t think it was the best photorealistic portrait that Anderson Brigby Bright had ever painted. In real life, Lucinda Wilhelmina Hinojosa’s hair was black and shiny, but in Anderson Brigby Bright’s picture, her hair was ten times blacker and a hundred times shinier. Her well-shaped nose was much shapelier, and her chic little glasses were even smaller and even more chic. But the most unrealistic aspect of the portrait was Lucinda Wilhelmina Hinojosa’s lips, which were stretched into a beauteous smile instead of being pressed together in a hum.
“Oh,” Jane said, “it’s, um, nice. Have you asked her to the Science Fair Dance yet?”
“No. Not yet. I have a plan though. I’m going to give Lucinda Wilhelmina Hinojosa this picture, and then she’ll be so impressed with it that she’ll ask me to the dance,” Anderson Brigby Bright said confidently.
Jane, who was now used to the precise and complex schemes of the Grimlet twins, could see that this wasn’t much of a plan. But there was no point in arguing with Anderson Brigby Bright about it. He’d never listen to her anyway.
“Oh,” she said instead. “Well, good luck with that.”
“It’s going to take more than luck, Jane. I’m going to need your help, too.”
“You are? Why?”
“I need someone to carry the painting over to her house for me.”
Jane groaned and wished she’d locked herself in her bedroom the moment her brother had looked in her direction.
Because Anderson Brigby Bright Doe III had expansive feelings for Lucinda Wilhelmina Hinojosa, he’d painted her portrait on a very large canvas. The canvas was almost larger than Jane and was extremely difficult for her to carry—especially since Anderson Brigby Bright refused to help.
“I’m much too anxious,” he told Jane. “And it would be such a shame if my masterpiece got dropped.”
“Wouldn’t it be easier to just ask her to the dance?” she asked, grunting under the painting’s weight. Anderson Brigby Bright paled at the very idea.
“Of course not! What if she said no? I would be crushed! It’s much safer to get her to ask me. I’m sure I’ll say yes.”
It wasn’t far to Lucinda’s house, but the closer Jane and Anderson Brigby Bright got, the slower they both walked�
��Jane, because the painting seemed to get heavier and heavier with every step, and Anderson Brigby Bright, because he was getting more apprehensive. He stood on Lucinda’s porch for nearly three minutes before he had the courage to ring the doorbell, and once he pressed it, he completely lost his nerve.
“I don’t think I can do it!” he squeaked dramatically.
“What do you mean?” Jane asked. But Anderson Brigby Bright wasn’t there to answer her. He’d already run back down the front walk and hidden himself behind a large hydrangea bush next to the mailbox.
Jane turned to run after him, but it was too late. Lucinda Wilhelmina Hinojosa had already opened the front door. She was humming one of Johann Hummel’s trumpet concertos and didn’t stop when she saw Jane on the doorstep.
“Hi,” Jane said awkwardly. “I…uh…I…”
“Mmm-hmmm?” hummed Lucinda. “Are you here to join the search for Ysquibel?”
Jane was so surprised by the question she almost didn’t know how to respond. “No…I, uh…”
“I always have my eye out for new members. I am the regional copresident of the Save Ysquibel Now! Club—or S.Y.N!C., as it is sometimes called.”
“Oh. I didn’t know that. What are you saving him from, exactly?”
“From being lost, of course. He is the greatest living musician in the world today. But please don’t tell Ludwig von Savage I said that. He is our vice president and is sometimes rather touchy about being only the second greatest living musician.”
“Hmmm,” answered Jane, as if she were pondering what Lucinda Wilhelmina Hinojosa had just said. Humming was contagious. “But I’m not here about that. I’m here because my brother wanted me to give you this.” She leaned the painting against a porch railing so that Lucinda Wilhelmina Hinojosa could see it.
Lucinda Wilhelmina Hinojosa looked at the masterpiece curiously, humming all the while.
“Hmmm,” she said finally. “Is that supposed to be me?”
Jane was caught off guard. The painting might be overly flattering, but it was unmistakably a picture of Lucinda Wilhelmina Hinojosa.
“Don’t you think it looks like you?” Jane asked.
Remarkable Page 6