“You mean ye’ve seen her before, and ye’ve never told anyone?”
“Who would I tell?”
Captain Rojo Herring looked back out at the water. The lake monster had vanished completely. He put his fiddle to his chin and began to play it again. After a moment or two, Lucky peeked her head back out and looked at the captain cautiously.
Now that he was over his fright, Captain Rojo Herring could see that she was a beautiful creature—more than beautiful. He played the loveliest music he knew, and Lucky slowly began to swim back toward the shore.
And then, for no reason he could see, she suddenly dove back down into the lake and disappeared. He put his fiddle down and stared after her in wonder.
“Aye. That be a sight that is a privilege for any man to behold,” he told Grandpa John. But Grandpa John’s expression was one of worry instead of awe.
“I suppose you’re going to tell everyone you’ve seen her now, aren’t you?”
“You don’t think I should?”
“No,” Grandpa said. “She’s very shy. It would be a disaster if you told anyone. She’d have news crews after her. The cryptozoologists will come try to capture her again, and tourists will line the edge of the lake with binoculars and video cameras. It won’t end until she’s been hounded to death.”
Captain Rojo Herring didn’t say anything. He just stared across the lake waters with a melancholy look on his face. For a moment, Grandpa feared the captain had not been listening.
“You can understand how much she’d hate that, can’t you?” Grandpa asked him gently. Captain Rojo Herring turned and gave Grandpa a smile that was as sad a smile as anyone had ever smiled.
“Aye,” he said quietly. “I understand too well. Her secret be safe with me.”
But even as Captain Rojo Herring promised to keep Lucky safe, he himself was in considerable danger.
Jeb, Ebb, and Flotsam had been listening hard to the mysterious music and were trying to determine what direction it was coming from.
“This way, mateys,” growled Flotsam as he lurched to the left, in the direction of the town. “I be certain that the music is coming from over yonder.”
“Argh!” Ebb said, lurching right toward the jelly orchard. “Yer ears be full of old barnacles. The music be coming from over there.”
“A pox on you both,” growled Jeb. “The music be coming from behind us, just likes I told you both before.” And he turned around to head back up Remarkable Hill.
“Yer mad! We just came that way.”
The pirates began shoving and pushing each other, each trying to get the others to go in the direction he thought was right.
“It’s a’coming from that way,” growled Jeb, kicking Ebb in the shins and shoving Flotsam’s head with his elbow.
“It’s not! You lily-livered sea toad,” Flotsam said, grabbing Jeb’s elbow and redirecting it at Ebb’s nose.
“Garrghh!” shouted Ebb, suddenly feeling like the other two pirates were ganging up on him. He lowered his head and charged at both of them. Jeb and Flotsam reeled backward.
Now the three pirates had been working very hard to fight quietly. But when Ebb pushed Jeb, he tripped over an azalea that was in front of a tidy yellow house and broke the flowerpot it was planted in.
Normally, this would have made a startling noise on such a quiet night. However, in this case, the sound of the breaking pot was hardly noticeable. When Ebb pushed Flotsam, he knocked over a large recycling bin, which made the kind of horrible commotion that only occurs when crushed aluminum cans, polycarbonate containers, and glass bottles spill across a cement driveway.
In the moment of silence that followed, the three pirates held their breath, hoping that no one had heard. But then the porch light of the little yellow house came on and a lone figure stepped out into the night. It was Ms. Schnabel, wearing a pair of fluffy pink slippers and teddy bear pajamas.
“Who’s there,” she said in a stern, teacherly tone. The pirates cowered in the shadows of her lilac bushes.
“Whoever made this mess had better come out right now and clean it up,” she said, even more sternly and more teacherly than before. It was too much for Flotsam, who screamed “run” and tore off down the street as fast as he could. Jeb and Ebb followed close behind.
Ms. Schnabel shouted and shook her fist at the three departing figures, and as she did so, she smelled the strong smell of the pirates in the night air.
Now, most people who have the misfortune of smelling the strong smell of pirates in the night air say “ew” and immediately quit breathing through their noses. But not Ms. Schnabel. She sniffed the air, and then sniffed it again, and then closed her eyes and breathed in as much of the smell as she could. The smell made her remember something—a dream she’d had when she’d been only a little older than Jane. It was a dream she’d abandoned a long time ago.
But dreams are funny things. Sometimes even the most impractical and irresponsible dreams just won’t be ignored. And sometimes when you don’t follow your dreams, your dreams come looking for you.
This is exactly what happened to Ms. Schnabel. She might have thought all she heard was the sound of someone making a mess of her recycling, but it was also the sound of her dream finding her after many years. And although Ms. Schnabel had no way of knowing it that night as she stood on her porch in her fuzzy pink slippers, her life was about to change.
Never Ever Trust a Pirate
The Grimlet twins were in a terrible mood on Monday. They both came stomping into the school after the tardy bell rang and miserably flung themselves into their seats. And even though Ms. Schnabel’s back was to the class as she wrote the date on the chalkboard, the Grimlets couldn’t rouse themselves to take advantage of it. Jane was shocked.
“I don’t suppose any of you did your homework?” Ms. Schnabel asked wearily as she turned around to face another week of teaching.
“I did,” Jane said. The Grimlet twins, however, just shrugged and shook their heads. They were too depressed to make any kind of smart-mouthed reply.
“Well let’s hear it, you two,” Ms. Schnabel said. “What’s your excuse this time? Was it another dog? Some kind of explosion? Maybe you lost it during a museum heist?”
“No,” Melissa said. “We didn’t have enough time.”
“We had to spend a big part of the weekend getting our project ready for the science fair,” Eddie explained glumly.
“You expect me to believe that the two of you are doing something as law abiding as entering a science fair?” Ms. Schnabel was incredulous.
“We’re not entering the science fair, we’re—” Eddie started to say, but then Melissa gave him a particularly savage punch in the arm to make him stop talking.
“The rest of our weekend was wasted by the pirate captain,” Melissa said.
“The pirate captain?” Ms. Schnabel said. “What pirate captain?”
“Captain Rojo Herring. We were hoping he would teach us how to become pirates. Unfortunately, when we arrived, Captain Rojo Herring was trying to learn how to ride a bicycle. He told us if we wanted to learn piracy, we had to give him bicycle lessons.”
“That’s wonderful,” Jane said. “He’s been wanting to learn to ride a bicycle.”
“It wasn’t wonderful,” Eddie corrected her. “It was absurd. Do you know how long it takes to teach someone with two peg legs how to ride a bicycle? He must have crashed three thousand times before he made it to the end of his driveway.”
“But we did it. We finally taught him how to ride,” Melissa said. “And then he said that learning how to be a pirate was hard, and that it was too much work to train landlubbers like us—especially since he’d fallen in love and was going to be busy for a while.”
“And that if we were interested in career development, we should go get a paper route or something. Then he rode away on his bicycle.”
“That is ridiculous,” Ms. Schnabel said, putting her hands on her hips. “That might just be the most ridic
ulous thing I’ve ever heard.”
“Wanting to learn to be a pirate is not ridiculous,” Melissa told her. “Just because you never wanted to do anything exciting doesn’t mean that the rest of us are happy being locked up in a boring old classroom.”
“Some of us actually enjoy doing interesting things more than we enjoy doing long division,” Eddie added.
Ms. Schnabel gave the Grimlet twins a flinty stare, and it was flinty enough to startle them into sitting still, if only for a moment.
“It’s ridiculous that anyone would think that you two could be entrusted with a newspaper route,” Ms. Schnabel said. “And what Captain Rojo said about learning to be a pirate is just dead wrong. It’s not hard at all.”
“What would you know about it?” Eddie asked rudely.
“Plenty,” she said. “I could teach you myself if I wanted to. And I’m quite a good teacher, too, which is something you’d know if you were actually willing to sit still long enough to learn something.”
The Grimlet twins looked at each other. Melissa raised her left eyebrow, and Eddie raised his right. They conferred for a few moments, and then nodded in agreement.
“We accept,” Eddie said.
“Excuse me?”
“We accept. We will start behaving in class, as long as you start teaching us about being pirates.”
Ms. Schnabel glared at Eddie for a long moment. Jane held her breath, expecting her to start yelling about how she was a teacher and this was her classroom and the Grimlet twins would have to behave whether they liked it or not. But Ms. Schnabel didn’t do that. She inhaled deeply and closed her eyes, almost as if she were picturing herself somewhere else.
“Har!” she said quietly, and then she opened her eyes again. It never paid to keep them closed for too long in front of the Grimlet twins.
“Do we have a deal?” Melissa demanded.
“Well that all depends,” Ms. Schnabel said. “Are you willing to pledge your loyalty to me as your sworn captain? It’ll have to be a blood oath.”
“Well, I don’t know why you should get to be captain…” Eddie Grimlet began, but Ms. Schnabel didn’t let him finish his sentence.
“Arrrghh!” she yelled, and she pounded her fist on the desk. “Either I be the captain or we goes back to doing long division.”
She sounded a lot like Captain Rojo Herring, only much, much meaner.
“Um, okay. You can be captain, I guess,” Melissa said.
“All right then, me hearties. I’ll start by teaching you the most important rule of pirating life.”
“Rules? Pirates don’t have rules, do they?” Eddie asked.
“Aye, that they do. And the most important rule be this: always do what yer captain tells you, or suffer the consequences.”
And then Ms. Schnabel began to laugh—a wild, savage laugh. The sound of it made Jane very worried.
More about the Jelly and the Dentist
Grandmama Julietta Augustina walked into city hall after spending a satisfying morning at the construction site for the post office addition.
Taftly Wocheywhoski and his hardworking crew had just finished hanging all fifty-seven bells. A campanologist would arrive next Wednesday to make sure the bells were properly tuned, and on the Thursday after that, a chronometric engineer would come from the Naval Observatory in Greenwich, England, to make certain the bell tower clock kept perfect time.
“And on Friday morning, we can have the opening ceremony for the bell tower. We’ll have all those extra people in town for the science fair. They’ll probably appreciate the chance to be part of this remarkable moment in Remarkable’s history. What do you think of that, bird?”
Salzburg, who was perched on Grandmama’s shoulder, bobbed her head and squawked approvingly. Grandmama Julietta Augustina had given up trying to get Captain Rojo Herring to take more responsibility for his parrot and was even starting to enjoy the bird’s company.
When she arrived back at her office, Stilton, her faithful secretary, handed her a cup of coffee and three phone messages. One was from Kate Chu, who asked that Grandmama Julietta Augustina call her back about some urgent business between their two towns.
“Hmph!” Grandmama said to herself. She was certain that no business between Remarkable and Munch could ever be considered urgent. The second message was from Mrs. Peabody, who was complaining that the town was infested with pirates, and the third was from Mrs. Belphonia-Champlain, who was convinced beyond reason that the town was plagued by dognappers.
She pushed the messages aside. She needed to finish responding to the Scottish Parliament’s ridiculous complaint. Although she was certain that Lucky was bigger and more elusive than Nessie—the Scottish Parliament seemed to feel she should provide some sort of proof, which was hard to obtain given Lucky’s shy nature. She pulled out her most official-looking stationery and began composing her reply.
“Dear sirs and ma’ams,” she wrote. “We have received your ludicrous allegations and wish, once again, to cordially inform you that we have no intention of apologizing for the fact that our lake monster is both larger and more elusive than your own. The town of Remarkable would also like to cordially suggest that if you are not comfortable with this true and indisputable fact, then you are free to go jump in a loch of your own choosing. Sincerely, Mayor Julietta Augustina Doe.”
Grandmama signed the letter with a flourish. And as she was sealing it into an official envelope, she heard a discreet knock at the door.
“Madam Mayor,” Stilton said. “Please excuse my interruption. But there is citizen out here who wants to talk to you.”
“Who is it?”
Stilton hesitated. “I’m afraid I don’t recognize him, ma’am. But he claims that you know each other well and that you’d be upset if I didn’t let him speak to you. His name is…oh dear. I’m afraid I’ve forgotten. I’ll go ask him again.”
“No need,” Grandmama Julietta Augustina told him. She’d already guessed who her visitor was. Even though Stilton had been her faithful secretary for more than twenty years, he’d never once managed to recognize Grandpa John. And sure enough, a moment later Stilton showed Grandpa John in.
“I didn’t expect to see you this morning, John. What a lovely surprise. Have you come to take me to lunch?”
“Hmph!” Salzburg said from her shoulder. She’d been hoping Grandmama Julietta Augustina would take her to Filbert’s Fine Grocery Store on her lunch hour and buy her fresh pineapple.
“No. Not today. I have a favor I need to ask of you—not as your husband, but as a concerned citizen.”
“A favor? What kind of favor?”
“I need to borrow the music box from the model of the bell tower addition.”
“What on earth for?”
“It’s complicated, but let me try to explain. Did you know that Captain Rojo Herring plays the violin? And quite well, too.”
“Now, John, you know I don’t concern myself with the hobbies of pirates.”
“Well, it got me thinking about beautiful music and its unintended side effects on people, and…well, other things, too. Captain Rojo Herring was down at the lake the other night playing his violin, and his music was so beautiful. And then something amazing, and well, amazingly worrisome happened—”
“What does any of this have to do with the music box?” Grandmama asked, interrupting him.
“Maybe nothing. But I need to borrow the music box to do an experiment. If I’m right then—”
“An experiment? You mean like a science experiment?”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying—”
“Because Dr. Presnelda will have a fit if you enter this science experiment of yours in the science fair. What if you won? I can’t imagine what she’d do if someone other than one of her students took first place.”
Grandmama chuckled as she pictured Dr. Presnelda’s distress at losing. Grandpa sighed and wished he were the sort of person other people listened to without interrupting.
&nbs
p; “Julietta,” he said firmly. “This isn’t about Dr. Presnelda. This is about Lucky and the bell tower.”
“Lucky? What on earth does Lucky have to do with the bell tower?”
Grandpa opened his mouth to explain, but this time he was interrupted by a knock at the door. Stilton peeked in.
“Mayor Chu is on the phone for you,” he said.
“Tell her I’ll call her back.”
“She’s called your office five times already today. She’s insisting I put her call through.”
“I’d better take this,” Grandmama told Grandpa as she picked up her phone. “Then I promise I’ll give you my full attention.”
“Julietta Augustina, I have some news for you,” Kate Chu barked into the phone.
“Good news, I hope.”
“It’s good news for me. I wanted you to be the first to know that after a great deal of effort I’ve finally managed to acquire a truly qualified dentist for the citizens of Munch.”
“Interesting,” Grandmama said, even though she had no idea why Mayor Chu thought this piece of information would be interesting to anyone. “Now if you don’t mind, I’m a little busy at the moment discussing an important matter with a constituent.”
She gave Grandpa a smile, realizing as she did so that she’d completely forgotten why he’d come to see her.
“The dentist’s name is Dr. Christobel Pike,” Mayor Chu continued. “As I’m sure you know, she comes highly recommended.”
“What! You can’t steal our dentist! You wouldn’t dare!”
“Now, now,” Mayor Chu said. “No need to get upset. I’m happy to let you keep her provided that you do one small thing.”
“I wouldn’t bargain with you if you’d stolen the last dentist on earth!”
“Now hear me out. All I need is for you to admit—in writing—that Munch’s Generic Jelly is superior in every way to that pale, tasteless organic jam you make in your town.”
“Never!”
“Oh, dear. I had hoped we could work together here. But never mind. We know our jelly is better. And it only makes sense that the town that produces the best jelly should also have the best dentist.”
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