Of course, by the cool light of day, it all seemed a bit dramatic and ridiculous. Had he really believed fate had guided him to a dentist’s office? Why on earth would fate do such a thing?
“I’m afraid I have made some sort of a mistake, Dr. Pike,” he told Dr. Bayonet. “I do hope you’ll pardon the intrusion.”
“Dr. Pike? Who the devil is Dr. Pike?”
“I assumed you were. That’s what the name says on your office door.”
Dr. Bayonet turned and looked. The pirate was right. His door did say Dr. Pike on it.
“Someone is playing tricks on me,” Dr. Bayonet said crossly. Then the door opened, and much to Dr. Bayonet’s amazement, another dentist walked in.
“Ah,” the mystery dentist said. “You must be from the moving company. I wasn’t expecting you so early after that storm last night.”
“Moving company?” Dr. Bayonet said. “What are you talking about? Who are you?”
“I’m Dr. Pike. This is my dental office.”
“No it isn’t! It’s where I work,” Dr. Bayonet told her, sounding even more cross. It had been a very trying day.
“I assure you, this has been my dental office for two years. But if you feel strongly about working here, I suppose you can have it. I’m leaving for a new job anyway.”
“No!” screeched Captain Rojo Herring. “No! No! No! No! No!” Both dentists turned to stare at him.
“You can’t leave!” Captain Rojo Herring tried to explain. “I came here to find you! That’s what destiny was trying to tell me.” His mouth widened into a loopy smile of love.
Dr. Pike smiled back—but her smile was a smile of professional glee, not love. All of the generic jelly from Munch that Captain Rojo Herring had eaten had done terrible things to his enamel and his gums—and she was now looking at the most beautiful set of rotten teeth she’d seen in a long, long time.
The Return of the Captain
Detective Burton Sly was on a mission. It was the mission that the mayor had entrusted him with, and it was of the utmost importance.
“It would appear that the Grimlet twins have developed a real working weather machine,” Grandmama had told Detective Burton Sly before sending him on his way. She was a little impressed, despite herself. “Of course, they can’t be allowed to keep it. Think of the trouble they’ll cause.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Detective Burton Sly said. He’d already prepared extensive dossiers on the Grimlet twins and had some pretty good ideas about where to look. “Do you want me to haul them off to jail when I find them? We can make room.”
“Oh dear lord, no. They’d adore being arrested. Anyway, there’s no law against creating a storm.”
“Yes, ma’am. I suppose you’re right.”
“And please inform them that they’ve won first place in the science fair. They’ve certainly earned it, and I can’t think of anything they’d hate more.”
It did not take Detective Burton Sly long to find the weather machine. He’d gotten some tips, followed a few leads, and then finally tracked the Grimlet twins’ movements up Mount Magnificent to the most secluded spot in all of Remarkable. He’d expected that he’d find the Grimlet twins with their invention, but they were nowhere to be seen. Instead, he found Ms. Schnabel. She was sitting on the muddy ground in a clearing and staring at the weather machine with a look of great sadness and longing.
“I suppose yer ’ere to claim this ’ere weather machine for Mayor Doe,” she said. She hadn’t looked up when Detective Burton Sly arrived. Until she spoke, he wasn’t sure if she knew he was there.
“Yes, ma’am. She asked me to make sure it was not in the possession of the Grimlet twins.”
“Aye, makes sense, that does. But I’ve already done ’alf yer job for ye. I be the one who turned it off and chased those scurvy Grimlet twins back to their house. Little buggers would a kept that storm going all week if I ’adn’t.”
Detective Burton Sly stepped forward to examine the weather machine. It was bigger than a breadbox, smaller than a convection oven, and had a complex control panel comprised of barometers, thermostats, hygrometers, and anemometers. It was hard to believe that something so small could have wreaked so much havoc.
“I can see I’ll need to keep a closer eye on those Grimlet twins,” he said.
Ms. Schnabel snorted. “And good luck to ye wiv that.”
“This is, of course, bad news for me since I recently discovered that Remarkable is home to one of the most notorious lawbreakers in the world. I’ll have to keep my eye on her as well.”
“Wot’s that supposed to mean?” Ms. Schnabel demanded, but the detective did not answer her. He was attempting to pick up the weather machine, but he underestimated its weight and pulled several muscles.
“My back!” he cried as he staggered around the clearing. “I think I’ve thrown my back out!” He collapsed on the ground, twitching with pain.
“I could o’ told ye it was heavy,” Ms. Schnabel said unhelpfully.
“But you’re rather strong, aren’t you? Perhaps you could assist me in taking it back to town?”
“That all depends,” Ms. Schnabel said. “Wot’s the mayor plannin’ on doing wiv it when you gets it to ’er?”
“I suspect she’ll destroy it. We certainly don’t want anyone tinkering with our weather again.”
“Aye, but what a shame that be,” Ms. Schnabel said, hoisting the weather machine onto her shoulder as if it weighed no more than a baby. “Seems like such a contraption could ’ave its uses.”
“Yes, indeed,” Detective Burton Sly said, wincing as he dragged himself back to his feet. “For example, I suspect it would be quite handy if one were interested in raising a ship from the bottom of the Sea of Cortez.”
Ms. Schnabel stared at him, astonished. “Wot do ye know about the Sea of Cortez?”
“I think everyone knows of the fate of The Wild Three O’Clock, Captain Penzing.”
Ms. Schnabel set the weather machine back down. Her astonishment transformed into amazement. “Ye knows who I am?”
“Of course I do. I am the world’s greatest detective,” Detective Burton Sly replied modestly. “Also, your sister was kind enough to confide in me.”
“Gar! She has a mouth bigger than Moby Dick.”
“I can assure you that I would have figured it out even without her help. I’d already learned that there is no such person as Ms. Delilah Schnabel. And more importantly, I learned that the person who was living under the name of Ms. Delilah Schnabel arrived in town and started working as a teacher at the public school seven years ago. And it was roughly nine years ago that a certain Mad Captain Penzing was released from prison and into the custody of her family.”
“Aye. It took me two years to earn me teaching certificate before Mayor Doe could offer me the job. I be indebted to her for giving me the chance to try to start a new life—the kind of life that me parents might take some pride in. But respectable citizenry seems to be beyond me sometimes…”
“Then why don’t you return to the sea?”
Ms. Schnabel sighed. “Because I made a promise to me parents not to go back to pirating. It was in exchange for getting busted out of the brig, but now I can see that the brig would be preferable to the life I’ve chosen.”
“Interesting,” Detective Burton Sly said. “I was not aware that your parents were pirates.”
“Har. That’ll be the sunny day,” Ms. Schnabel said. “They wouldn’t be caught dead having anything to do with piracy.”
“Perhaps I’ve been misinformed, then,” Detective Burton Sly said. “My understanding was that pirates only have to keep promises they make to other pirates.”
“Aye,” Ms. Schnabel said. “That be part of the Pirates’ Code.”
“Then I guess I don’t see what’s stopping you from going off to lead the life you love. Surely not a promise made to a bunch of landlubbers.”
Ms. Schnabel gave Detective Burton Sly a suspicious stare. “How is it a great dete
ctive like yerself seems so invested in getting me to return to me life of crime?”
“Ma’am, without great lawbreakers, there would be no need for great detectives.”
Ms. Schnabel sighed and stepped away from the weather machine. “Ye might as well let the mayor destroy it,” she said sorrowfully. “As much as I’d like to hightail it back to me life at sea, a captain ain’t worth much without a crew.”
“I could see how that might pose a problem. But as it so happens, I might have a solution for you. And it is a solution that helps me rid Remarkable of three troublemakers who have no appreciation whatsoever for great detective work.”
He was thinking of Ebb, Jeb, and Flotsam, of course. He told her where to find them, and even lent her the money for their bail. By the next day, Mad Captain Penzing the Horrific, the weather machine, and her new pirate crew had disappeared.
After the Aftermath
A town like Remarkable only has happy endings. The big storm might have seemed like a disaster, but actually, it left many good things in its fearsome wake. With the bell tower gone, Lucky was now safe—which made Grandpa very happy. Mrs. Peabody was happy, because the town was now almost entirely free of pirates. She decided she didn’t mind Captain Rojo Herring so much because he was such a good customer and was also so polite.
Lucinda Wihelmina Hinojosa was happy, because while she was trapped under the bandstand during the storm, she’d met Johnny November, the band’s drummer, and had fallen in love with his perfect sense of rhythm. And if Johnny November didn’t share her passion for locating Ysquibel, he never let her know.
This didn’t exactly make Anderson Brigby Bright happy, but at least he gave up trying to impress her with his singing, which made everybody else in town ecstatic. He’d decided to be in love with Anastasia Elise Ellenton instead, who was a champion roller skater. Anderson Brigby Bright was as terrible at roller-skating as he was a singing, but at least with this new hobby, he was only hurting himself.
Grandmama Julietta Augustina was perhaps the happiest of all. Not only had Lucky’s brief foray out of the lake given her the evidence she needed to prove to the Scottish Parliament that Lucky was the superior lake monster, but she’d also learned that Dr. Pike had decided to stay on as Remarkable’s dentist, which meant she got to call Mayor Kate Chu and give her the bad news.
“It’s just how things worked out,” Grandmama said into the phone in a voice dripping with false sympathy. “Better luck next time and all that.”
The reason that Dr. Pike had decided to stay was because of Captain Rojo Herring. “There’s a year’s worth of tricky dentistry in that mouth,” she said dreamily, staring at his receding gums. Captain Rojo Herring looked dreamy, too—but that’s because he was in love with Dr. Pike and not really thinking about the extractions, root canals, implantations, and cleanings he was about to face.
Of course, the reason that Captain Rojo Herring had decided to stay was because he thought his secret was safe. And the reason he thought his secret was safe was because Jane decided not to reveal his true identity. Normally, she might have taken some pride in this fact, and might have even enjoyed knowing that some of the lovely things that were happening in town were because of her. But Jane was too sick to feel much of anything beside feverish and sneezy. She’d caught a miserable, horrible cold as a result of spending the night in the drafty mansion.
For the next week and a half, Jane stayed in her room, going downstairs only to make herself soup and tea when the rest of her family forgot to bring her any. Grandpa John came over a few times with figgy doodles and told her all about his long and secret friendship with Lucky, and Grandmama Julietta Augustina sent Stilton over with an extra-big box of Kleenex.
Jane pulled out a tissue, blew her nose, and then got back into bed so that she could watch a TV show about dog grooming. But as she was getting settled under her covers, the most extraordinary thing happened. A large rock hit her bedroom window and shattered it into a million pieces.
“I told you that rock was too big!” came Eddie Grimlet’s voice from outside.
“And I told you not to throw it so hard,” Melissa yelled back at him. There was a scuffling sound, and Jane knew that they had started one of their kicking fights.
She dragged herself out of bed and looked through the new hole in her window.
“Achoo!” she sneezed pitifully. Eddie and Melissa stopped fighting long enough to grin wickedly at her.
“Jane! Jane! You have to come with us right away!”
“I can’t,” Jane sniffed. “I’m sick.”
“Who cares,” Eddie said. “A package is coming for you today down at the post office!”
“A package? For me?” Jane found this so implausible that she immediately suspected the Grimlet twins were trying to play some kind of a trick on her. “No one ever sends me mail. And even if someone did, how would you know about it?”
“Dearest Jane,” Melissa said, “we make it our business to know all kinds of things we’re not supposed to know. But that’s not what’s important. What’s important is that the package is from Mad Captain Penzing the Horrific.”
Mad Captain Penzing the Horrific. Jane had told the Grimlet twins about Ms. Schnabel’s real identity right after she left town. Eddie swore he’d suspected it all along, and Melissa claimed that it was obvious to anyone paying attention, but Jane could tell that they were both as astonished by the news as she was.
“But why would Ms. Schnabel—I mean Mad Captain Penzing the Horrific—send me a package?” Jane wondered.
“That’s what we thought,” Eddie replied. “I mean, she barely even noticed you. We think the package must actually be for us.”
“We think she’s decided to send back our weather machine,” Melissa explained.
Jane was too tired to care if they got their weather machine back, but the Grimlet twins would not be ignored.
“We offered to sign for it after it arrived,” Melissa told her, “but for some reason, the postal employees didn’t trust us to bring it to you.”
“So we need you to come,” Eddie said. “We’d prefer it if you came quietly, but if you won’t, well, we have our methods.”
“Oh, fine,” Jane grumbled as she went to get dressed.
Three minutes later, she was walking to town with the Grimlet twins. Even though her nose was dripping and she was feeling light-headed, Jane knew that she should enjoy her time with the twins while she could. She would not be seeing them nearly as much anymore. They had been unexpectedly re-enrolled at Remarkable’s School for the Remarkably Gifted. The esteemed Dr. Presnelda had decided that it would be easier to reinstate them than to admit that public school kids had beaten her superior students at the science fair.
“How do you like being back at the gifted school?” Jane asked them.
“It’s mind-numbingly horrendous,” Melissa said as she tried to trip Eddie with a sharp stick. “Worse than I remember.”
“Dismally abysmal,” Eddie complained as he grabbed the stick away from Melissa and tried to poke her in the eye with it. “But don’t worry. We’re planning on getting expelled again soon. It’ll be harder this time, but we have a few ideas that are much, much worse than the blue bomb.”
Jane decided she didn’t mind if it took them a while to figure it out. Having a life that was quite ordinary didn’t seem so bad anymore.
When they arrived at the once-again plain post office, Jane sat down with the Grimlet twins on the bench outside to wait for her package to be delivered. Eddie and Melissa pulled out a large stash of straws and began shooting wrappers at everyone who walked past.
It was a remarkably fine day again, as it would continue to be, since the Grimlet twins had lost possession of their weather machine. In the distance, Jane could see Dr. Bayonet crashing through the bushes with his butterfly net. Once he’d calmed down, he decided he’d rather rebuild his butterfly sanctuary than return to dentistry. Dr. Bayonet ran past Grandpa John, who was walking to Lake Rem
arkable with a fresh packet of figgy doodles.
An hour went by with no sign of any deliveries. Then, just as Jane was starting to think that she wasn’t getting a package after all, a big mail truck pulled to a stop in front of the post office, and a mailman unloaded a plain brown medium-sized box.
“It’s too small for the weather machine,” Melissa said glumly.
“And the weather machine wouldn’t need air holes,” Eddie said. They could see that someone had punched small openings in the top of the box in the shape of a skull and crossbones.
“One of you kids named Jane Doe?” the mailman asked.
“That’s me,” Jane said.
“Sign here.”
Jane signed her name, and the mailman put the box at her feet. For a moment, Jane was almost afraid to open it. It was bound to contain something boring—like a sweater, or a puzzle with missing pieces, or maybe even some homework Ms. Schnabel had forgotten to give her before leaving town. Then all the fun of anticipating getting a truly exciting gift would be gone.
“You’d better hurry up,” Eddie told her. “If you keep us in suspense much longer, we’re going to be inclined to steal that box and open it ourselves.”
Melissa handed Jane a small dagger she kept hidden in her sock, and Jane used it to cut through the packing tape on the top of the plain brown medium-sized box. She lifted off the lid and looked inside. And inside, she saw the most marvelous plain brown medium-sized puppy. The puppy looked up and yawned at Jane sleepily as she reached in to pick him up.
He was a very ordinary dog—perhaps the plainest, most ordinary dog that ever lived.
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