by J. L. Beck
“Ellie…” My voice was hoarse and full of unsaid emotions as I looked at her. She smiled, her body a silhouette in the light.
I shook my head, trying to shake the fantasy of her away. It’s a lie. She’s not here. She’s dead. But she wouldn't disappear, she kept invading my thoughts.
“Grayson,” she spoke gently, my body sinking further into the darkness as the softness of her voice blanketed me. Her dark blue eyes seemed to grow darker as she stared up at me. “You’re killing yourself… aren’t you?” Anger radiated from her. I could feel a coldness descending upon me.
“Death is such an easy thing to deal with when you have lost all those worth living for…” My own words echoed back in my mind. Ellie’s reflection fizzled out and came back into view right before my eyes. I watched as she lifted her hands to my face, her fingers skimming across my forehead and down my cheeks, stopping at the top of my beard. She smiled, and warmth filled me once again.
“We die only once, Grayson... but we live…” she paused, and her voice was so much like Heaven I almost wanted to beg her to continue to speak, “…we live for the moments when the pain is the hardest. When the raindrops fall coldly against our skin and the sun dries them away. You live for the good days and the bad, not just the days you choose to.”
I clenched my fists together. Her words held so much meaning. She made me want to be a better man, a better person, all for her.
But she's not here. She's dead. I reminded myself. I had to.
“You made a promise to me, Grayson. To your sister…”
I narrowed my eyes, the anger I had felt moments ago returning with each passing second. I was trapped in my subconscious because I knew when I came out of it fully she wouldn't be here, and it would be like losing her all over again.
“I can’t do it, Ellie. I couldn’t save either one of you. What makes you think I could ever avenge your deaths? I couldn’t even keep you the fuck alive!!!” I bellowed out, swinging my fists at her memory. That’s all it was, a memory inside of my head.
Her lips turned up in a smile as her form reappeared in front of me. I needed her to leave me alone, to let me wallow in my own fears and pain. I needed to mourn her death and move on with my life even if it killed me.
“Leave, Ellie. Go away and take your memories with you!” I screamed, tears forming in my eyes once again, but this time they trailed down my cheeks. I wiped them away hastily with the back of my hand. I hadn’t cried since my sister died, hadn't shown any vulnerability since I lost her. But now I couldn't control the emotion being ripped out of me. I couldn't stop it.
“I know you love me. I can feel it right now, deep inside my heart.” She took a step back, her lips still turned up as if she felt she had truly won this battle. What she didn’t understand was the battle was between me, myself, and I. “Remember that, because when you need me most that is where you will find me.”
I roared, anger flaring from every piece of my flesh as I jumped out of the shower and towards where her figure was previously standing. Beating my fists against the wooden door, I refused to stop until blood dripped from my skin. Each hit of my skin and splintering sound of wood pushed me that much closer to satisfaction. I wanted to kill, to remove the anguish deep inside my body.
“You killed her!!!” The words fell from my lips repeatedly as tears continued to roll down my face. My heart was aching, my hands were numb, and the liquor I previously consumed was now wearing off. I looked up at the door before me and then down at my bloodied fists.
The whole bathroom was destroyed, yet her memory still remained in my mind. It was all for nothing. Plain and simple.
Grabbing the bottle of whiskey from the counter, I slid down onto the floor bringing it to my lips.
“I just want her to leave…” I whispered to myself as I sat naked, the coldness of the floor cooling my heated flesh.
Loving her wasn’t nearly as hard as losing her was. That was the last thought to enter my mind as my body finally gave into the blackness eating away at my soul.
Five days had passed since my so called death, and I was itching to get more information out of Tuck. All he had told me about our location was that we were at a safe house, and by safe house he meant his house. Just outside the city, deep in the countryside. I hadn’t left the room he had put me in since getting here, not that I really wanted or needed to leave. This room had everything I needed— bathroom included—
and Tuck even brought me three meals a day straight to my room door. If I looked out my bedroom window I could see the fields of green grass and woodlands surrounding me. Other than that I had no idea where we were exactly, location wise anyways.
“If you keep pacing, you’re going to wear a path through my brand new hardwood floors.” Tuck laughed, causing me to jump out of my own skin. Shit, he could be sneaky when he wanted to be. I hadn't even heard the door creak open.
“Jesus, Tuck!” I clenched my chest, turning around to face him. He watched me closely, before giving me a half smile.
“I need you to come out of this room and actually do something…” Tuck trailed off.
I stared blankly. “I’m dead, Tuck. Dead. Not literally, but still I’m considered dead. Grayson thinks I’m dead. My father thinks I’m dead. Drake even thinks I’m dead.” I stepped into his space. “All I want is to be undead and for my father and Drake to be dead. I want to hug Grayson and tell him it wasn’t his fault, not come out of this room and actually do something!” Tears were forming. I was an emotional wreck because of all of this.
“Shhh…” Tuck soothed me, taking his thumb and wiping away a stray tear. “Grayson will understand once he finds out. Word on the street is he went into hiding anyway. He lost his shit on your father and Drake, telling them and everyone else that he would avenge your death.” My heart ached at the very sound of Grayson’s name being spoken out into the open. No amount of time that we had spent together could ever be considered enough to me.
He changed me and gave me something to believe in, even when I couldn’t believe in myself. He saved me, even if he felt this very moment that he failed me, and when I saw him again I would remind him of just that.
“He won’t understand, Tuck. He’s going to be beyond fucking pissed that you lied to him, and he’s going to be upset with me that I just went along with it,” I growled as my inner thoughts finally surfaced. I had thought the whole thing through just as if I was in Grayson’s shoes. Gone over scenario after scenario and it all came back to the same thing.
Tuck pulled away, cracking his knuckles before shrugging quickly. “Leave that to me. Gray and I go way back, and if anyone can kick his ass back into reality it would be me.” I could feel my lips pulling as if they involuntarily wanted to smile. Being around Tuck now was different than being around him the first time we met. He did a good job of hiding this carefree man underneath the raging bull I met that night in the alley.
“Either way, we can’t just sit here and pretend like people aren’t trying to kill him or you. They’re looking for you too, I’m sure.” I shoved a lock of my hair behind my ear and waited for his response. Tuck’s face was void of any emotion, which kind of scared me. I had been a runner and hider all my life. Knowing that someone was after me, hunting me, thirsty for my blood made me want to run away in terror. But Tuck seemed almost uncaring, as if it didn't bother him one bit.
“Come with me.” The words left him in a hurry as he grabbed me by the arm pulling me towards the bedroom door. I didn’t want to leave the confines of this room, not yet at least.
“Where are we going?” I clenched my teeth together, dragging my feet the whole way out of the room. My stomach shot up into my chest as one of my feet scraped over the bedroom threshold.
“Where I should’ve taken you to begin with.” Tuck’s voice caused a shiver to run down my spine. Fear had long been rooted deep in my veins. What if all of this was yet another trap?
“And where is that?” I sank my heels further into the
floor, a throbbing sensation forming in my foot. Tuck laughed, stopping dead in his tracks causing me to run straight into his back. I pulled away, but his hand still remained attached. I gazed down at it and then back up at him.
“You don’t have to act like a fucking cat that’s on its way to be drowned.” He chuckled, and a blush rose on my cheeks.
“I…” I stuttered over my words. “I don’t want to go. I told you that already,” I added. Tuck blinked and then his smile grew wider.
“I’m not stupid. I know you think that all of this could be a set up.” He waved his hand in reference to everything around us and then leaned into me causing my eyes to grow wide with uncertainty.
“Like I said not stupid, buttercup. Now, come on. I want you to meet someone.” His voice came out much softer, and his green eyes lit up brightly as he spoke, which told me whomever it was that he wanted me to meet was someone he was quite fond of and it left me completely caught off guard when he continued to pull me down the hall a moment later.
“I don’t care who it is that you want me to meet. I don’t want to socialize! I want to find Grayson, and I want to end this all before anyone else dies or has to fake their death,” I huffed out, not realizing that we had descended a set of stairs and was now standing in a living room attached to an open kitchen. My mouth stopped moving, the words I had planned to say caught in my throat. What were we talking about again? I couldn’t remember, my eyes were too trained on the things around me. I was taking in a whole new environment for the very first time.
Tuck had exquisite taste, and by exquisite I should say manly. The living room had floor to ceiling car siding. A huge screen TV was hanging above the fireplace on the far right side of the room, and the furniture was all leather. The smell of freshly cut wood and smoke filled the air. It was calming and somehow inviting at the same time.
As my eyes swung around the room and over each item, I failed to take notice of the woman in the kitchen. She was standing there nonchalantly, uncaring that she was helping Tuck hide a supposedly dead person. Instead she adjusted the straps on her white sundress like she hadn’t a care in the damn world. I took all of her in at once: her shoulder length hair that was the color of coffee. Her eyes green. Her small bellowing figure. She couldn’t be much taller than me.
Taking a deep breath I stopped for a moment, just long enough to notice that she was now staring at me, a soft smile lingering on her lips. It was in that smile, the way her lips pulled at the top, and the way her bottom lip plumped out a bit that I felt like I had seen her before. I tilted my head sideways, trying to pinpoint exactly where it was that I had noticed her before.
“Don’t look at her like she’s going to bite you.” Tuck chuckled before adding, “I mean after all, you will have to get used to having her around for awhile.”
“Why is that?” I asked, narrowing my eyes at him. He smiled at me with his eyes and then looked up at the woman across the room. Then he leaned into my ear and whispered, “That’s Stephanie and she’s Grayson’s sister.” My eyes almost jumped out of my head as the ground beneath me began to shake.
“Get me some water, Steph. She’s going down,” Tuck yelled next to my ear, but his voice seemed so far away. Even as I fell against the leather couch I couldn’t think of anything else but the fact that Grayson’s sister was alive and that she was standing here in Tuck’s house.
“We’re losing her!” Tuck exclaimed.
“What the hell did you do?” Stephanie asked, her voice full of panic.
“Nothing. I just told her the truth,” Tuck spoke, but it was faint. Everything happening around me was in slow motion as the sounds in the background became white noise. My eyes rolled back as the blood rushed to my head.
I needed time alone.
Time to comprehend what I had just been told.
Stephanie was Grayson’s sister, and more importantly than that—she was alive.
“Grayson…” Her sing-song voice met my ears and caused a tingling sensation all over my body. Her giggles seemed to echo down the hall, and the fast pitter-patter of her feet across the floor told me she wanted to play hide and seek. She only ever spoke like this when she wanted to do something and she knew her older brother didn’t want too. It made it easier for me to give in to her.
“Stephanie,” I said her name back with the same tone. As much as I disliked having to play with Stephanie all the time, she was my sister and when it came down to it I didn’t have anyone else to play with. It was always just Stephanie and I. Always had been, always would be.
I followed her small noises down the hall and into her bedroom where I knew surely she would be hiding. The smile I wore on my face wasn’t one for just show when I was with my sister. I genuinely was happy, my heart filled to the brim with joy.
“Where oh where could she be?” I questioned loudly, my voice booming throughout the room. I fixed my gaze on her bed and from there I eyed her dresser, looking around her room as if I hadn’t the first clue as to where it was that she was hiding. Giggles filled the air a second time, and then a gasp as I lunged towards the closet doors and flung them open with a grin plastered on my face.
There she stood, her hair in a dark brown braid, her eyes a soft green looking up at me with amusement. She had one hand on her hip, and the other hand was in a tight little fist with one finger jutting out. That one finger was pointed directly at me.
“Grayson! You’re not to cheat.” She laughed, trying to make her voice sound serious. I rolled my eyes and stuck my tongue out. This kid was always trying to accuse me of something, so long as she could be seen as the winner.
“It’s not cheating when you practically beg me to come and play with you,” I corrected her. I watched as her cheeks grew red and her green eyes darkened with anger. She didn’t like it when I proved her wrong. Like I said, she always had to be the winner.
“Liar.” She pouted as she pushed past me.
“Meanie,” I countered back, wrapping both arms around her back.
“Jerk.” She tried to wiggle away.
“Brat.” I raised an eyebrow. She turned her attention to me before finally giving in and leaning into me.
“You’re lucky you’re my brother, otherwise I would kick your ass,” she whispered, and I could see a smile pulling at her lips, a loud laugh breaking away as she ran free from me.
“Stephanie Rose!” I bellowed. She knew better than to swear, even more so at her brother.
“Eat my shorts, Grayson.”
Of course, I shook my head and headed towards my bedroom. There was no point in trying to stop a bullet. The moment it was released from the chamber, it was already on its own track and in this case, Steph was that bullet.
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
My phone started going off somewhere in the distance.
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
I groaned into the air, hoping the memory of Stephanie would disappear.
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
“What the fuck!” I snarled, leaning over the bed to grab my phone from off the nightstand. My ears followed the loud beeping, until it stopped.
Ahhh. Silence.
Just as I was about to nod back off to sleep it started again, telling me it wasn’t just an alarm but someone calling. Fuck, just what I needed. People trying to get a hold of me, especially at this point in time. People would be calling for one thing only. To get me on the phone long enough for me to be tracked. With a stretch of my arms, I shoved from the bed and went over to the corner of the room where I last heard the beeping.
My heart beat in my ears, the blood rushing to my head causing my ears to ring as I snagged the black iPhone from a pile of clothes thrown on the floor. Did I even want to see who had called? One way or another I would have to face all of them again. I wasn’t scared. I just didn’t have a plan yet, and even I knew that walking into something blindly wasn’t a good idea.
Flipping my phone over in my hand, my eyes scanned the brightly lit screen b
efore landing on Tuck’s name flickering in the missed call section. Of course, it was then that my stomach jumped into my throat and the contents of last night’s drowning threatened to come up.
Tuck had and still was, as far as I knew, my closest friend. He knew everything about Stephanie and I. Now, he knew about Ellie too and would be the first to tell me it wasn’t my fault. We had been through this routine more than once, how cliché was that.
Anger rattled deep inside my chest as the memory of Ellie and what had happened came surging back to life. Of all the people to talk to, Tuck should be the last person I actually talked to. He wasn’t even there when Ellie died, because if he had been he could've saved her just like I could have had I been there. Shaking my head, I shake those thoughts away. I can't blame Tuck. I can't put anything on him. He warned me of the repercussions I would have and though I acknowledged them, I still ignored them. No one was to blame but me.
I clenched my phone firmly in my sweaty palm, my mind shifting from Tuck and back to Ellie.
“Why can’t I get her out of my head?” I spoke out loud, refusing to say her name. My chest heaved as I looked around the room for something to drown myself in. Being awake was like a never-ending hurricane. The days were filled with torrential down pours, and the nights were filled with thunder and lightning that seemed to never end. I was drowning in my own misery.