“And do what?” I asked. My gaze dropped. I wasn’t sure why I felt so shy all of a sudden.
“We could have dinner. Or go to the beach. Whatever you want,” he said.
“Let’s go to the beach,” I decided. The way I was feeling right then, food was the last thing on my mind. Satisfied with my decision, Andy start the car and drove away.
We walked along the edge of the water. My shoes dangled freely from my fingers as the waves crashed gently over my toes. Neither of us had spoken since we left the car. I had no idea what he was thinking until he reached for my hand again, his fingers brushing gently over mine.
“Did I mention you look beautiful tonight?”
He stopped, pulling me up against him. I stared into his dark eyes and smiled. Was this really happening? He reached up, his finger brushing aside a stray curl, his eyes never leaving mine.
“I’ve wanted to do this forever, Em.”
“Do what?” I whispered as his lips moved toward me. His hand caressed my chin as he pressed his mouth against mine. My world stopped as he kissed me.
My first kiss.
Seventeen, and my first kiss, and it was with Andy, the boy who had been my rock for the past few years. It was perfect. He pulled away and smiled at me as I wrapped my arms around his neck.
“This is much better than the dance.” I giggled. Leaning forward, I pushed my lips against his. He moaned softly as my fingers raked through his thick, curly hair.
“God, Em,” he muttered. “I’ve wanted this for so long. I’ve wanted you . . . but I didn’t think there was a chance. I didn’t want to risk our friendship.” Hearing him say that made me shiver.
“You should have said something.” I giggled. “Because this . . .” I kissed him again. “. . . could’ve been happening so much sooner.”
We spent the next three hours sitting on the beach, exploring each other. It was surreal. I’d known him for so long, yet at that moment I realized there was so much about him I didn’t know; so much I wanted to know.
Finally, things were coming together. The universe was on my side for once.
I closed the notebook and kicked off my shoes, crossing my legs up under me. The sand was wet, but I barely noticed. How could such a special memory precede one of the worst moments of my life? Because it was just two weeks later that he was first diagnosed and my world fell apart for the second time.
“Em?”
I stiffened as I looked up and saw Seth approaching. Anger bubbled inside me as I jumped to my feet, my hands balled into tight fists at my side.
“How could you?” I yelled.
“What’s wrong? What’s happened?” he asked, his expression bewildered.
“Andy told me you’re in love with me. Tell me he’s lying, Seth. Tell me you wouldn’t keep something like that from me.”
He dropped his gaze and my heart sank. He couldn’t even deny it. I wanted him to laugh, to tell me that was ridiculous. I wanted him to reassure me that nothing was going to change, because him being in love with me changed everything.
“I can’t believe this,” I mumbled, my hands flying to my head.
“Em—”
“Don’t touch me!” I shrieked, jumping back. Had everyone known except me? Maybe I was acting irrationally, but I didn’t care. I felt so used.
“What do you want me to say, Em?” He threw his hands up in frustration. “I don’t get why you’re angry. Is it because I’m in love with you, or because I didn’t tell you?” He grabbed hold of my shoulders and forced me to look at him. I stared at him, searching his eyes for the answers to the questions I didn’t even know. This changed everything. We could never go back to how we were. How could I look at him in the same way, knowing how he felt about me?
My heart raced as he closed in the space between us. His lips, centimeters from my own, moved toward me and I was frozen; I couldn’t move. He’s going to kiss me.
Holy shit, I wanted him to kiss me.
At that moment, there was nothing I wanted more than to feel his lips pressed up against mine. Shivers ran down my spine just thinking about it.
“Just leave me alone,” I said, jerking away from him. I almost let him kiss me. How could I have done that to Andy?
“Em—”
“Go!” I yelled. I pushed him, watching as he stumbled backwards, shock resonating on his face. Collapsing to my knees, I hugged my arms around me and stared out over the water, refusing to acknowledge what had happened . . . what had almost happened between us.
“Fine,” he muttered. He stalked off back in the direction of the beach house. I watched him go, confused by how I was feeling.
Fuck them. Fuck both of them for changing everything.
Chapter Nineteen
Seth
I can’t believe he told her.
What the fuck was he doing? My body shook while I stalked across the sand and back into the house, the cold air burning my lungs as I slammed the sliding door shut.
“What do you think you’re doing, man?” I asked, storming into his room.
His eyes fluttered open, and he looked at me in confusion. I had woken him, but I didn’t feel bad. The only thing I cared about right then was Em and how much she hated me.
“What are you talking about?” he mumbled, rolling over. He winced, his eyes full of pain as he tried to sit up.
“Just don’t. Stay there,” I said, lowering my voice. Taking a deep breath, I tried to calm myself down. Being angry wasn’t going to fix anything. I just wanted answers. What was he doing?
“What’s wrong?” he asked. Then it was like a light bulb went off in his head. He nodded, pressing his lips together. “Em. She told you I told her, didn’t she?”
“Why, Andy? Why the fuck would you do that?” I cried, sinking into the armchair. I cradled my head in my hands, trying to figure out a way to make this all better. How could I look after her? How could I be there for he if she wouldn’t even look at me?
“She loves you,” he said, as if it were that simple. “I’ve always had a feeling, and these past few days, seeing you two together, I finally realized it.”
“You’re fucking kidding. That’s bullshit.”
Andy laughed, anger filling his dark eyes. “You think I want this, man? You think I don’t hate myself every day for having this stupid disease? You think I don’t hate my body for not being able to fight harder? I do.” His gaze fell to the floor. He can’t even stand to look at me. “But right now I hate you more. Because in a few days, maybe a week, I’ll be dead, and it’s you who will be there for her.”
I shook my head. It didn’t make it right. Sure, cancer sucked, and it wasn’t fair, but he was messing with the people he was supposed to care about.
“You can’t do this, Andy. You can’t just play with peoples’ feelings and lives just because you’re dying. It’s not fucking fair.” I stormed out of the room.
“Hey, where are you going?” he called after me.
I grabbed my keys and walked out to my car. I didn’t know where I was going or what I was doing. I just needed to get away.
***
I drove into town and parked next to the beach. It was raining, but I didn’t care. I barely noticed as the thick droplets of water fell down on me. Just when I’d thought things couldn’t get anymore fucked up, they had.
I was so angry. Not only at Andy, but at myself, too. Fourteen years was a long time to pine over someone who didn’t feel the same way. If I’d just forced myself to move on and forget about her like that, then none of this would be happening right now. But that was the fucking problem: she was all I thought about.
I’d tried moving on. Watching her and Andy together for all those years was something had almost broken me. I’d been with other girls. I just always ended up back at Em.
Andy’s words rolled over in my head. She was in love with me? I snorted. Yeah, right. As if I hadn’t wished for that every fucking day for the last fourteen years.
Shoving my
hands into my pockets, I walked over the bridge and down toward the edge of the water. I sat down on the wet sand, pulling my knees up in front of me and resting my elbows on my knees.
The beach was deserted, no doubt due to a combination of the bad weather and the fact that it was almost dinnertime. Taking my jacket off, I balled it up and placed it behind my head as I lay back and stared up at the sky. I had no desire to go back there anytime soon. Facing Em was something I didn’t even want to think about.
She couldn’t have feelings for me. No matter how hard I tried to forget his words, I couldn’t. They were stuck there in the back of my mind, clouding over my every thought. How did shit get so messed up? I thought back to when we were all just kids: no cares, no worries. Things had been so much easier.
I closed my eyes; I just wanted to forget everything. Just for a moment. I wanted to be a normal guy who wasn’t in love with a woman he could never have, and whose best friend wasn’t dying. I shook my head. What was I going to do without him? He had been the center of my life for so long. How was I going to go on without him? I’d spent all my time worrying about how Em was going to cope, but what about me? If I had to be strong for Em, who was going to help me through this? Was our friendship strong enough to survive Andy’s death?
Not that it mattered anymore: she hated me. Every time she saw me she would be wondering what my intentions were. We could never go back to the way things were before.
***
I was freezing. I opened my eyes and breathed in sharply, inhaling a mouthful of sand. I coughed and sat up, confused as to why I was passed out on the beach. I looked around me, the only light coming from a nearby dimly-lit streetlight. I struggled to my feet and grabbed my jacket.
Shaking the sand from it, I zipped it up, trying to get some warmth into my body. I walked over to my car and climbed in. The clock shone brightly in the darkness. It was after midnight. I still wasn’t ready to go home. I pulled out my phone. A text from Deb sat waiting to be read. Shit. I’d completely forgotten about our earlier conversation.
We are on our way. Please let me know if anything changes. Deb xx
Shoving my phone back in my pocket, I rested my head against the window and closed my eyes. I just wanted to sleep. And maybe when I woke up, things wouldn’t be so bad.
Chapter Twenty
Andy
She hadn’t left my side all evening. She hadn’t spoken either, but in her defense I had been out of it until now. Who knows? Maybe she had been speaking and I just didn’t notice?
Pain shot through my body as I repositioned myself to face her. Her head snapped around, her pretty green eyes widening as they locked on mine.
“You’re awake,” she whispered. Rising from the chair, she sat on the edge of my bed and grasped my hand. Fuck, she was so warm.
“Hey,” I mumbled, yawning. Even after sleeping all day, I was still so, so tired.
“How are you feeling?” she asked. She bit her lip. She did that when she was nervous or stressed. She’d been doing a lot of that lately.
“I’m okay,” I said with a little smile. The pain was bad—bad enough that I tried not to breathe in too deeply, or move suddenly—but in a weird way, I liked it. At least I was feeling something. Pain meant I was still alive. The moment that stopped, I would stop. They thought avoiding the IV pain meds was about me trying to be brave, but it was just the opposite. I was terrified to let go.
“Really?” she asked, raising her eyebrows.
I chuckled. There was no fooling her. “Em . . .” I hesitated. “I’m sorry about before. I just so badly want to know you’re going to be okay.”
Seth was right: I couldn’t force two people to be together, no matter how much I wanted it. Most people would probably think it was weird, me trying to hook up my girlfriend and my best friend, but with the exception of me, I couldn’t think of anyone who would love her and care for her the way she deserved to be cared for—except him.
Every day I hated myself for leaving her, but if I had to, then I had to make sure she was going to be okay. I couldn’t argue that Seth loved her as much as I did. If I wasn’t dying, I’d probably kick his ass.
“Don’t worry about me,” she mumbled, frowning at me. “You’ve been so focused with pushing me onto Seth that you’re not giving me what I so badly need—time with you.”
She was right: I was a monster. All I’d done was make things worse for everyone. She climbed into the bed, slipping her head under my arm. I closed my eyes and kissed her forehead, trying to memorize every tiny detail about her. No matter how much my head wanted me to, I couldn’t give this up. Still, I needed her to know it was okay for her to move on after I died.
“Em,” I began. She looked up at me, her big, green eyes brimming with sadness. I almost lost my nerve. “I want to ask you something.”
“Anything,” she said.
“We haven’t been a proper couple for a long time now. I can’t remember the last time I was able to show you how much I love you . . .”
This was coming out all wrong. She looked confused as hurt filled her eyes. She was probably wondering where the hell this was going.
I pushed on, determined to get this out. “I think you have feelings for Seth. I want you to promise me that you’ll let yourself move on after I’m gone.”
She shook her head, her eyes hooded with anger. “Stop this, Andy. Stop it.” She struggled out of my arms and sat on the edge of the bed, her head in her hands. “Why are you doing this?” She was crying.
“You don’t have to tell me, Em. Please,” I said reaching out for her. She pulled away, leaving my empty hand to collapse on the sheet beside her. “I’m terrified for you, Em. More than I am for myself. I need to know you’ll be okay. Please . . . I need this.”
“You want me to tell you that I’ll move on?” she whispered. She turned around, her eyes red and tearstained. “Do you have any idea how fucked up and morbid that is?”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “Do you know me at all? Fucked up and morbid is all I know how to do.”
In spite of herself, she smiled.
I tried again. “I’m not telling you to move on, Em.” I paused, trying to get the words right in my head. “I just need for you to know that it’s okay if you do. Seth loves you, and I think you love him. I need you to know that you two being together would make me happy.”
“It’s . . . I can’t even think about that right now.” She wept. Her body shook as I reached out and touched her back.
“I love you, Em. I love you so fucking much,” I whispered.
She crawled back into my arms and began to cry. I told myself I’d be strong, that I’d never let her see me cry, but there was nothing I could do right then to stop the tears as they rolled down my cheeks.
“I love you too,” she whispered, her lips meeting mine. “I’ll always love you, Andy. Forever.”
“I know you love me, Emsky. I know how much you love me, and without you, I would’ve lost this battle a long time ago.”
“Don’t talk like that.”
“Why? It’s true.” I smiled. Her expression turned serious. “Em . . . I don’t think it’s me that you’re in love with anymore.” It was the truth. Our relationship hadn’t been right for so long now. It had become all about her caring for me.
“What?” She gasped. Hurt filled her eyes. “How can you even think that?”
“Em, I’m sorry. I . . .” I shrugged and wiped my eyes. “I’m sucking at this, aren’t I?” All I wanted to do was express to her that it was okay, but everything I said was coming out wrong. “I just want you to be happy.”
“My happiness starts and ends with you,” she whispered. A single tear rolled down her left cheek. I reached out and wiped it away.
“I don’t believe that for a second. You’re convincing yourself that you don’t deserve to be happy once I’m gone, and that’s bullshit.”
She curled in closer to me, closing her eyes. “I don’t want to talk about this a
nymore, Andy. Can we talk about it later?”
I nodded and kissed the top of her head. But I couldn’t shake the thought . . . what if there wasn’t going to be a later?
***
When I woke up, Em was still curled up in my arms, fast asleep. I smiled at her, lifting my fingers to her face. She didn’t stir as I gently traced the outline of her lips. I was going to miss her so much. Dying held no fear at all in comparison to losing her. I’d never kiss those lips again. I’d never feel those arms curl around me, or see the love in her eyes when she looked into mine.
As I reached over to grab my watch and check the time, pain stretched across my chest. It was too much for seven in the morning. I collapsed back against the pillows, struggling for every breath. Was this it? Was I dying? I glanced over at Em. I wasn’t ready to leave her.
Just a few more days. Please.
Chapter Twenty-One
Emily
I’m running. Every step I take, I can feel the ice cracking under my feet. Every step, I’m expecting to crash through into the freezing water. I spot Andy standing on the edge of the lake.
He’s not facing me.
“Andy,” I yell. He doesn’t answer. My heart begins to pound. Why won’t he look at me? I call out to him over and over, and every time it goes ignored. Eventually I reach him.
“Why didn’t you help me?” I ask. I grip hold of his arm and turn him around, but I can’t. Every pull brings the same angle. Why can’t I see his face?
I sat up, breathing heavily. Andy lay beside me looking tired and worn. His eyes were closed like he was asleep, but I couldn’t help watching his chest for that comforting rise and fall. After what felt like hours, his chest rose up quickly and then deflated.
Something wasn’t right. I reached for his hand and squeezed it gently. He didn’t move. My heart began to pound as I pushed back the covers and got to my feet. I grabbed my robe and slipped it on, rushing out of the room.
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