Em began to sob loudly next to me. I stood up and wrapped my arms around her, holding her close to me as her body shook, determined to protect her from the world of hurt she was feeling. Deb and Karl sobbed quietly, embracing each other.
He’s gone. I can’t believe he’s gone.
My heart pounded as I held Em, the finality of the moment beginning to sink in. My best friend was gone. I’d never be able to talk to him, to hear his voice, or joke with him again. She jumped up suddenly.
“Seth.” Deb motioned for me to leave with her and Karl. I glanced at Em, who was now kneeling beside his bed, clutching his hand. “She needs a few minutes alone with him. She’ll be okay.”
Will she? I wasn’t so sure.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Emily
I held his hand, my tears falling uncontrollably. He was gone. No matter how much I’d tried to prepare for this moment, clutching his lifeless hand between mine was unbearable.
I can’t believe you left me. Why didn’t you fight harder?
I climbed into bed beside him, desperate to feel his body up against mine one more time. The warmth was beginning to fade, just like my will to live. I didn’t want a life without him in it. This wasn’t fair.
I lay in his arms, crying.
Please come back. I’ll do anything for you not to leave me.
I racked my mind for a memory, anything to cling onto while lying there next to him. Anything that I could use to convince myself I hadn’t lost him. But it was hopeless. My head was a mess. I’d lost the one person I thought would be there for me forever. The one person who I knew loved me, no matter what. My heart was heavy. I could have died right there alongside him and it wouldn’t have mattered.
None of it mattered anymore. Nothing.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Emily
A week had passed. It had been a whole week since he’d left me. I never thought time could pass so slowly and so fast at the same time. I was a mess. I felt like I was moving in slow motion. Nothing made sense to me anymore.
It was the day of his funeral. I hadn’t slept. I’d barely slept at all since he’d gone. Sleeping meant remembering and I wasn’t ready to do that yet. We had left the beach house and come home the day after he passed. Deb had insisted I stay with them, and I was thankful that I didn’t have to be alone.
I sat at my dressing table, waiting. It was barely nine in the morning, yet I sat there in my black dress, ready. Waiting to say my final goodbye to the man that had been my family for the last fourteen years.
I’d dressed for him today—in his favorite dress, wearing his favorite perfume with my hair pinned to the side, just how he loved it. I didn’t bother with makeup. For one, I hadn’t stopped crying for long enough to be able to apply it, and second, Andy had always told me how beautiful I was without it.
For all the pain I felt right then, I wouldn’t take anything back. I wouldn’t change anything. All the pain in the world was worth one day of knowing Andy.
Focus on the good.
I pulled out my notebook and flicked open a page. I began to read.
Christmas morning. 2002.
The first Christmas without my parents.
It had been less than a month since the accident. I couldn’t imagine ever not feeling the way I did that morning as I rose to an empty house. No tree, no presents and no reason to acknowledge the day. Even though Andy’s family had taken me in, I was back here, the night before Christmas, alone with my emotions. I didn’t want to celebrate with anyone else. I just wanted my parents back.
It was my fault they’d been killed. Every time I closed my eyes, my own words screamed back at me. I wish I’d been born to someone else.
“Em?”
I looked up and into Seth’s eyes. He walked over and cradled me in his arms while Andy knelt down in front of me.
“What are you doing here? We’ve been so worried,” Andy said. He took my hands in his. “Have you been here all night?”
I nodded. “The settlement is tomorrow. I just needed one last day to…” My voice trailed off. I couldn’t even say it. “Besides, I don’t want to celebrate Christmas. It’s just another day like every other day.” Except more than any other day, today I was reminded of how little I’d appreciated what I’d had until I’d lost it.
“Okay,” Andy said, as if it were that simple. “Then we’re not celebrating it either.”
“What? You have to,” I protested.
“Nope,” Seth chimed in. “We’re with you, Em. We are not going to leave you, especially not today.”
I closed the book and smiled as I pushed it back into my pocket. That Christmas had been spent sitting in my empty living room eating pizza and drinking soda. They had given up their Christmas because I hadn’t been ready to move on. They were always there for me. Every moment, the two of them were by my side.
“Em?”
I looked up and saw Seth standing in my doorway.
“How did you get in?” I asked. I hadn’t even heard him knock, and I was pretty sure Deb and Karl had left ages ago.
“Spare key,” he smiled. He walked over and sat down on the bed next to me. “Are you okay?” he asked. His hand found its way to mine, his fingers entwining themselves with mine.
“Not really,” I said with a laugh. I was burying my boyfriend today. How was I supposed to be okay with that?
“Silly question, huh?”
“A little,” I agreed. Sighing, I stood up and threw myself back on the bed. I stared at the ceiling, feeling sick. “I don’t want to say goodbye to him.” He lay back with me. I rested my head on his shoulder. “I keep thinking it’s not real, you know? That I’m just having an awful nightmare and I’ll wake up and everything will be normal.”
“I feel that too,” Seth admitted. “I keep hearing his voice. Every time I close my eyes I see his face.” He hesitated. “We have to go.”
I swallowed, nodding my head. I knew we had to leave.
Seth sat up and reached for my jacket, carefully arranging it over my shoulders. “It’s cold out,” he said, his voice gruff.
***
Everyone was staring at me. I could feel their eyes on me as I sat down in the front row of the church—eyes full of pity and sadness. They felt sorry for me. I was the girl who had lost both parents tragically, and now I was burying my boyfriend. Only I didn’t want their pity.
All I wanted was Andy.
My gaze locked on the white coffin that lay in front of me. An array of lilacs and white roses had expertly been arranged on top, and a framed photo of Andy sat in the center. I studied the picture. It was from a year ago, before the cancer had come back. He looked happy.
I felt Seth’s hand close over my own. I glanced up at him. He smiled, his eyes empty. I hadn’t noticed the dark circles around them before. He looked about how I felt. Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes, imagining that it was Andy sitting next to me, supporting me.
I don’t remember much of the service. I remember standing up in front, staring at the white and brass coffin that lay in front of me, my heart broken. All I could think about was him, lying inside that wooden box. I’d never see him again. I’d never feel his touch against me. I’d never kiss those lips again. I trailed my finger along the edge of coffin as tears rolled down my cheeks. Seth stood next to me, his eyes red and swollen. His hand never left mine.
People stood up to talk about what a brave, wonderful man he had been. There were so many people crammed into that tiny church that it was ridiculous. I wanted to laugh. Most of these people I’d never even met. How could they stand there and mourn him when they’d obviously not cared enough to see him during his illness?
I felt Seth shift in his seat next to me. He was the only one who understood. Regardless of what had happened in the last few days, Seth was the only thing keeping me going right then. Everything else felt numb…dead. How did trivial shit like living and breathing matter anymore? Simple: it didn’t.
“Are you okay for a minute?” Seth mumbled to me.
I nodded, confused. What was he doing? I watched him as he stood up and straightened his suit jacket. He walked over to the edge of the stage and whispered something to the minister, who nodded.
He’s going to speak.
He cleared his throat and adjusted the microphone. “I wasn’t planning on speaking. I don’t have anything prepared, but I wanted to say something.”
He lifted his head and stared at me, as if I were the only person in the church. I smiled and nodded, wiping away what felt like a never-ending stream of tears. The church was so quiet you could hear the sound of his breathing through the speakers. Taking a breath, he continued.
“I thought I was prepared to lose my best friend. His death wasn’t sudden. It wasn’t unexpected. I’d had plenty of time to ready myself for what I knew was eventually going to happen. But you can never really prepare yourself to lose someone. No matter how much warning you have, or how often you tell yourself they’re in a better place now, it still sucks and it still hurts.” My heart jumped as his voice broke. His gaze fell to the floor before he took another deep breath and continued. “I was lucky to have eighteen years with Andy. I try and tell myself that I was lucky to have known him at all, but I’m selfish. I wanted more. He was the kind of guy who put everyone else before himself. His biggest worry was being forgotten, but as anyone who really knew him would know, he was unforgettable.”
He raised his head and looked me in the eyes as I struggled to control my sobbing.
“Andy, you were one in a million. I loved you like a brother and I’m forever grateful of all the wonderful memories you’ve left me with.”
A loud cry escaped from me as he walked over and touched the coffin.
“I love you, man,” he whispered.
He walked back over to me. I stood up, wrapping my arms around him as I Will Remember You by Sarah McLachlan began to drift through the speakers. Until then, I’d been barely holding it together. But as the lyrics floated around me, I lost it completely. I began to bawl. Seth closed the small gap between us, wrapping his arms even tighter around me. This isn’t happening. Any moment I was going to wake up, and it would all be over. Life couldn’t be this cruel.
Only it was happening. And there was nothing I could do to change that.
***
After the service, we sat in the kitchen at his parents’ house. I was sick of smiling. I was sick of pretending to every person that approached me that I was okay.
Because I wasn’t. And I wouldn’t ever be again.
Seth sat next to me. He held my hand under the table, every now and then squeezing it just to let me know he was there for me. There were people everywhere, but I had never felt more alone. With the exception of Seth, none of these people understood. I hated thinking it, but not even Deb could understand this.
“Do you need to get some air?” Seth asked. I nodded. He stood up, and I moved with him. I followed wordlessly as he led me outside, down the back toward the huge oak tree. We sat down, me snuggled into the crest of his arm.
“We used to climb this tree all the time. See who could go higher. Deb used to come out and yell at us.” He glanced up and smiled. “See that branch?” I nodded. “When he was nine, he fell off that branch and broke his arm.”
I smiled, finding the sound of Seth’s chuckling soothing.
“I remember spending every weekend down at the skate park with you two, because Andy had insisted if I wanted to be in your group then I had to,” I smiled, wiping away tears.
Seth sighed, his fingers stroking my hand.
“I miss him too, Em. The pain is never going to go away, but we just have to try and get through it. We have to do it for him.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Emily
It had been two weeks since Andy’s death. Every day that passed was supposed to be easier. It wasn’t. I missed him so much, and I missed Seth, but the guilt I felt when I thought about Seth…it was too much.
My phone vibrated. I picked it up and saw another message from Seth—the tenth today¸ and it was only two in the afternoon. A wave of irritation rushed through me. Didn’t he get that I didn’t want to see him right now? I didn’t want to see anyone.
You don’t want to see me, and that’s fine, but I need to know you’re okay.
“I’ll be okay when you leave me alone,” I muttered, tossing the phone across the bed. I rolled over and pulled the covers up over me. Yeah, I was in bed. So what? So what if I’d spent a good part of the last two weeks in bed?
I snuggled up against his pillow. It still smelled like him. If I closed my eyes and imagined hard enough, it was almost like he was there with me. But he wasn’t. He was dead, and I was alone.
***
My eyes opened. It took me a moment to adjust to the darkness that surrounded me. Cold, I felt over my stomach and realized the covers had slipped off me. I moved over in the bed, over to his side, rearranging the blankets over me.
The clock stared back at me. 3:04.
Another day gone.
Something hard dug into my side. I reached underneath me and pulled out my phone. More messages, more missed calls—although this time from Seth and Deb.
Deb came around every day. She would bring food—which would usually end up in the trash—and sit with me. She didn’t try to make me talk, or get up, because she understood. Everything I was going through, she was going through too. Just having each other was a comfort on some level.
I pushed back the covers and stood up, the urge to pee too strong to ignore.
I should really shower. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t do anything. It was like I was stuck, frozen in this stage and I couldn’t move past it. I wasn’t eating, I didn’t get dressed. All I did was sleep.
Because in my dreams, he’s still with me.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Seth
I sat at my desk, staring at my laptop. I thought coming back to work would help me keep my mind of things. And for the most part, it did. Until something reminded me of Andy. And then I’d lose it. He’d been gone for three weeks and five days, and it had been almost as long since I’d seen Em. I hated how much my heart ached at the thought of her. Losing Andy had been hard enough; losing Em too was unbearable.
The soft rapping on my office door caught my attention. I looked up. My boss, Ian, smiled at me sympathetically. They had been surprisingly supportive of everything—much more so than I had expected.
“Are you sure you want to be here, Seth? I told you to take as much time as you needed.”
“Thanks, but I think I need the distraction, you know?”
Ian nodded. “If there’s anything we can do, let us know.” He smiled again before walking off.
Sighing, I reached for my phone, checking for a message that I knew wouldn’t be there. How was Em doing? She wouldn’t answer my texts or calls, but that didn’t stop me from trying. I got little bits of information from Deb, but even she was struggling to get through to her. I was so worried, but I had no idea what else to do.
After lunch, I walked back into my office and found a package on my desk. Picking the package up, my heart began to pound as I saw the handwriting. I didn’t need to check the return address to know it was from Andy.
I sat down, the package in front of me. When had he sent this? And why had it taken so long to reach me? It had been nearly four weeks since he’d died. I ran my fingers over the smooth wrapping, staring at his handwriting. It was heavier than a letter, but not much thicker.
What was it?
I swallowed. Maybe this was my way back into her life. A gift from Andy…she would have to see me for this. There was no way she couldn’t.
I picked up the phone and dialed Ian’s extension.
“Yes, Seth?”
“If it’s okay, I might take some time,” I said, hesitating.
“Of course it is. Just keep in touch, okay?”
***
I stood at her door, turning the package over in my hands. What if she still refused to see me? She wasn’t doing well, I knew that from Deb. I was so worried about her, and I felt so helpless. Taking a deep breath, I rapped on the door.
Nobody answered. I glanced around. I couldn’t imagine she would’ve gone anywhere. Deb said she wasn’t even getting out of bed. I knocked again. Still no answer. I lifted my arm and felt above the door frame for the spare key I knew Andy had left there. I sighed, relieved, as my fingers grasped the cold metal.
I walked inside. The apartment was quiet—quiet enough for me to wonder if she was even home, but from what Deb had told me, she hadn’t been leaving the house. I crept down the hallway to her room. My heart sank when I saw her. Lying in bed, asleep, her hair tangled and her face so pale.
I didn’t want to wake her on the off chance that she hadn’t been sleeping. I walked back out and sat down on the sofa, crossing my leg over my knee with the package in front of me.
No matter how ordinary she’d looked, just the sight of her had my heart racing. I’d wait all day for her if I had to.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Emily
I jumped as I walked into the living room and saw Seth sitting there. Instinctively, I tightened my robe as he looked up, his eyes meeting mine. It hurt so much seeing him, because seeing him made me remember. And I couldn’t. It hurt too much.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, clearing my throat.
He picked up a neatly wrapped package that sat on the coffee table in front of him.
“I wanted to give you this. It arrived at work today.” He paused, glancing back up at me. “It’s from Andy.”
My eyes widened. I sank onto the sofa, feeling as though I’d been hit in the stomach. Seth held the package out to me. I took it, examining the writing on the front. His writing. My name.
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