Sive

by Daniela Jackson

  “We are going to start renovating ‘Jilly Jet’ later in the afternoon today,” Blaze says. “Interested?”

  I nod at him. “Very interested.”

  Since this moment, my life has started to circle around working in the garage and renovating ‘Jilly Jet’. I’m bathing in my own hell. My nights are restless; my days are all the same— filled with hard work to silence my painful thoughts about Sive.

  Ma guards her day and night. I’m not allowed to see her. I’m not allowed to call her.

  Zane brings the fresh news every day so I know she’s recovered. Boulder is much better too. He’s at home.

  Ziggy was convicted of manslaughter, but he won’t go to prison due to his poor health. Grant bought a new expensive car and finally accepted his fate. I guess Samael was very convincing and generous.

  I breathe, eat and work, but otherwise I’m dead. I’m not sure what I will do if Sive decides to move on. What if she meets a nice guy and decides to have a relationship with him. I may want to shoot him dead. Or myself. I’m not sure yet.

  ***

  My elbows lie on the table, and my eyes fix on the glass of beer. How many of them will I have to drink tonight to make that unbearable pain in my heart go away? My eyes rise, and I gesture for Mia to deliver more beer on my table.

  I haven’t seen Sive yet, and it’s been longer than a month since she was discharged from the hospital. Zane’s wedding is in two weeks.

  ‘Jilly Jet’ has a new modern decor, and Blaze reopened it three days ago. So now I can get drunk in the bar instead of doing that in the house.

  A slim figure sits beside me, and I don’t need to raise my eyes to know that it’s Wendy.

  “Leave now,” I say.

  “Jeez, Axel,” she says and leans towards me. “Don’t scare me.”

  “Leave now or I’ll break one of your bones.”

  “You are sick, you know,” she hisses. “You need professional help.”

  My hand lands on the back of her neck and I squeeze it, making her groan of pain. “Leave, you fucking bitch, or I’ll kill you.”

  I don’t have to repeat. Wendy moves away from me like boiling water has scalded her and runs towards the exit as I empty half of the glass in one swallow. The scraps of conversation in the opposite corner of the bar come to my ears.

  “Who is she, sweetheart? Boulder asks.

  His speech is much better, but the left side of his body is still weaker and he needs support to move. His doctors are impressed with the pace of his recovery though. I guess he’s tough and really wants to get better.

  “A val-ky-rie.” It’s Sive’s sweet voice.

  My heart pounds and I freeze. She is here. The love of my life is here.

  “She’s beautiful,” Blaze says as his voice falters, husky with emotion.

  “Our beautiful little valkyrie,” Boulder says like he’s talking to a five-year-old.

  He sounds pathetic, but I’m not embarrassed by him. I’m grateful and touched. He loves Sive like she is his own daughter.

  “Do you want something to drink, sweetheart? Boulder says.

  I rise to my feet and move towards them. My legs feel spongy and every step feels like my feet are glued to the floor. Something drills into my stomach and emotions strangle my throat. I can see her now. She is hanging her drawing on the wall among all the others with her back turned to me. Ma helps her to correct the position of the frame. The drawing represents a valkyrie with an eye-patch who has Sive’s face.

  Sive turns around. Her glance meets mine and a bright smile plays on her lips, but there is an invisible dark aura around her, separating her from me like a wall.

  I stop in front of her and my glance flicks over her eye-patch. Glittering colourful beading adorns it.

  Sive’s hand jerks up and she touches her eye-patch with her fingertips.

  “Don’t,” I say and take her hand off her face. “You are beautiful. Even more beautiful than I remember.” The fingers of my other hand run up and down her cheek.

  Sive gasps convulsively, but I know she likes me touching her like this.

  “We have to go,” Ma says.

  “Ma, please, I just want to talk to Sive for ten minutes,” I say.

  “What do you think, sweetie?” Ma throws her arm around Sive’s back. “Ten minutes?”

  Sive bobs her head at me. Damn, how much I love her every tiny gesture. She is sweet, seductive and mine. The sight of her eye-patch evokes my anger and fills me with a sense of helplessness that I can’t go to hell and kill that sick fuck, Owen, again. I would have tortured him for weeks. I wish I could rewind my life and save our baby and her eye, but in fact, I love her new appearance. She looks mysterious and fierce just like that valkyrie from her drawing.

  “I will have a cup of coffee,” Ma says and shoots me a dark glance.

  I gesture for Sive to go first and lead her to my table. Everybody watches me like I’m the kind of abuser. They tense up and wait like prison wardens ready to intervene at the slightest suspicion that I could hurt her. I never wanted to hurt her. She’s my little mermaid, my life, my peace and salvation, the love of my life.

  I just made the wrong choice in life.

  We sit at the table opposite each other and I clasp her hand.

  I don’t know what to say. Everything what I say will be wrong. A lump in my throat grows bigger with every second that passes and my stomach feels like maggots are eating it.

  “Come back home,” I rasp.

  “Nno, A-xel.”

  “I will do anything, Sive. Anything. I will prove that you can trust me. Just give me a chance. Please, Sive, give me one last chance.”

  Sive tilts her head and sighs like she is very tired.

  “When can I see you again?” I ask with desperation. “I need to see you, touch you.”

  “Nno, A-xel.”

  “Sive, baby, please, don’t do this. We love each other. I love you. Can you hear me? I love you. Don’t blight us.”

  “A-xel,” she murmurs as sadness coats her voice.

  Fuck, I wish I’d learnt that damn sign language. It’s so difficult to read her emotions from her expression, and I have no idea what to say so she will not escape from me.

  “I will wait, Sive. I will wait for as long as necessary but give me something. Something.” I rise to my feet, lean towards her over the table and cup her face in my hands, capturing her lips with mine, but she pulls away at once. It feels like I’m suddenly missing part of me. Like she doesn’t belong to me anymore.

  Sive shakes her head and rises to her feet. Ma walks towards her and hides her in her embrace.

  I push the table with my hands and it screeches against the floor.

  Ma sends me a warning glance. “Enough. You’re scaring her.” She pulls forward, taking Sive away from me.

  A stabbing sensation courses through my chest and one urge pulsates in my head—to catch Sive before it’s too late. Before she’s gone forever. It’s like somebody has taken my fucking heart out of my chest and I have to put it back in its place.

  Zane and Blaze obstruct my way and grab my arms. I wiggle like a snake, but somebody else immobilises me from behind.

  “You can’t do that,” Blaze says.

  “I need to talk to her.” With a furious growl, I wiggle again, but now four boys are holding me in place.

  “Calm down, Axel,” Boulder says. “Calm down, son, before you do something stupid and ruin everything.”

  “It’s my fault, Dad,” I say as tears well up in my eyes. “The club came first and my woman suffered from the consequences of my decision. I should have been with her.” The grey wall of tears obscures my vision. I wipe the salty moisture from my face with the back of my hand, embarrassed by myself. I haven’t cried since I was a kid.

  “Yeah, you should have been with her,” Boulder says. “The woman you love always comes first.”

  “But the club—“

  “I never expected you boys to sacrifice love for the
club. It’s never been my vision.”

  “I don’t know what to do, Dad.”

  “Whatever it takes. Beg her, threaten her, fuck her, apologise to her on your knees. Just don’t let her go. Understood?”

  I pull forward. “Understood.”

  “Not now,” Boulder says. “It needs a bit more time.”

  “It’s driving me fucking mad,” I say. “I need to see her every day.”

  “I know,” Boulder says.

  “You don’t know anything,” I say with a high-pitched crack in my voice. “Sive and I are like two fucking halves meant to be together.”

  “Calm down,” Blaze says. “You can’t do more now. It’s Sive’s decision not yours. And she needs more time.”

  I feel Boulder’s arm wrapping around my back and he squeezes my arm. “Just don’t give up.”

  Blaze tosses my hair and I feel like a five-year-old who has scratched his knees. The boys are gathered around me like some fucking flies around a pile of shit.

  “Get off me,” I bark, but in fact, their presence makes my torment more bearable to me.

  Chapter 28

  Sive

  My heart feels like somebody has shredded it with a blunt knife. But at least, I can feel something. I’ve been numb since that fatal night when I killed my stepfather. His death made me feel relief. I don’t know why I’m so unemotional about it. Maybe I’m a bad person, but I’m happy he’s six feet under.

  Losing my baby made part of me die.

  I’ve become a ghost among people because of what happened to me. I’m the faded memory of Sive. I’m dead inside.

  My hand jerks up, and I brush the eye-patch covering my blind eye. I didn’t care until I saw Axel. For one desperate moment, I wanted to be perfectly beautiful to him.

  Amanda is holding me in her protective embrace, whispering soothing words into my ear as we get in her car.

  “He looks horrible,” I sign to her. Amanda is a very eager student of the sign language and we practice every day. “He looks like he isn’t sleeping at all.”

  “Axel deserves the worst case of insomnia possible,” Amanda says and puts her hands on the steering wheel. “Don’t think about him. He’s a grown up man. He can manage.”

  She sighs and lowers her head. I know she’s torn because of what happened to Axel and me. There is still anger in her, but the truth is that Axel is her son. He’s never stopped being her son. She cares for him, and her heart must bleed each time she sees him like today—broken, exhausted. Desperate.

  Surprisingly, the memory of my trip to Europe flashes through my head. My mother took me to England when I was eleven. We visited medieval churches because she sought inspiration.

  I remember those cold interiors made of stone, exhaling the air of the past. Each time, I stood below the vaulted ceiling and wondered what had happened to those people who had entered the church before me.

  They were gone, dead, buried in the past. A sense of irreversibility pervaded my veins.

  I feel the same now. I want to undo the things that happened to me, but I’m unable.

  The car pulls forward and Amanda wipes her nose with the back of her hand.

  “What do you want for supper?” she asks. “Pancakes?”

  “Yyes.”

  She loves cooking for me. She loves plaiting my hair and adorning it with pins and flowers. I think I fulfil her dream of having a daughter.

  Amanda and Boulder fulfil my dream of having a real family. I’m happy with them.

  We stop in front of Boulder’s house and Amanda takes a deep breath, her fingers tightening the grip on the steering wheel.

  “He would have found a way to be with you,” she says quietly. “You know that, don’t you?”

  I don’t know anything, but I nod at her even though her words cause a stabbing pain to course through my chest. Tears prick my eyes. Something heavy sits on my chest, and I can’t breathe.

  “Think about it,” Amanda adds. “I don’t want to force you to anything; just do me a favour and think about it.”

  “I will think about it,” I sign.

  We get out of the car and walk towards the front door. I enter the house and remove my shoes in the square hall, placing them neatly below the row of iron hooks for outer clothing then catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror. It hangs above the side table holding three thick candles and two vases with flowers. They’re never empty. Axel sends me a bunch of flowers every day. The whole house is filled with the richness of colours and scents, resembling a botanical garden. I smell roses, lilies and orchids. My fingers trace the crevice between my breasts. The engagement ring from Axel is hidden under my dress. Amanda bought me a chain made of white gold to wear the ring like this. I wanted to return the ring to her, but she insisted that I should keep it.

  We go to the kitchen and Amanda shoves me to sit at the table. She starts bustling between the fridge and oven.

  Soon, her pancakes arrive on the table and we eat them.

  Blaze brings Boulder after ten and the three of us watch a movie. Zane joins us half an hour later. He settles himself into the couch next to me.

  “Nervous?” Amanda asks from her flowery armchair. “The wedding is in two weeks.”

  “I’m never nervous,” Zane says with humour.

  He’s lying. One glance at him tells me that he’s very nervous.

  “The boys say that she’s a beautiful girl,” Amanda says.

  Zane nods at her. “Very beautiful. The most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.” He glances at me and kisses the top of my head. “Except our little mermaid.” His arm wraps around me protectively.

  The warm vibes of our newly found friendship prick my soul.

  “You may be disappointed,” Amanda says.

  “I will make it work,” Zane says in a firm voice. “I will respect her and love her. She will be happy with me.” His voice has a slight tremor.

  “Every girl would be happy with being your wife, sweetie,” Amanda says. “It’s just... The circumstances are not—“

  “Ma,” Zane says. “Don’t worry. It will work.”

  Boulder grins and wolfs down his pancake.

  “What about you?” Zane says and looks at me with concern. “That animal of yours got drunk and offended every woman in the bar.”

  “Zane,” Amanda growls.

  “Axel made the wrong decision,” Zane says. “That’s all. People sometimes make the wrong decisions.”

  “Sive needs more time,” Amanda says.

  My heart stops beating as Zane tightens the embrace around me. A sudden urge runs through my mind. I want to fly across the town and fall into Axel’s arms, feel his body against mine, inhale his scent. Kiss him.

  My fingers roll into fists as my soul turns into a piece of ice. I’m numb again. I just want to go to bed and sleep for eternity.

  Chapter 29

  Axel

  I move my feet as the priest’s monotonous voice makes me yawn. I’m standing at the altar in Samael’s garden beside my brother and his bride. The white translucent fabric waves behind the priest as my eyes sweep over two garlands above him. My head turns and I see Sive out of the corner of my eye. She’s sitting between Ma and Dad. My sad little mermaid.

  Fury courses through me. It should be our wedding, Sive and I should be standing at the altar.

  My fingers roll into fists. Something hardens inside me as though a stream of liquid steel is turning solid. I will buy Sive the most beautiful wedding gown in the world. I will aim my gun at the priest’s temple and force him to make Sive my wife. I will force Sive to love me again.

  Zane nudges my chest with his elbow, and I take the wedding rings out of the pocket of my jacket. The words of the vows drift to my ears like echoes as my glance meets Sive’s. She smiles at me only to avert her good eye the next moment.

  The wedding guests clap their hands as Zane brushes Brianna’s lips with his and she winces like she is about to throw up. I think it’s a pretty good beginn
ing of their marriage.

  Samael grins like a contended well-fed predator. That dick insisted on the catholic ceremony like it could wipe away all the lives he’s ended with no remorse.

  Everything turns blurry to me—the speeches, toasts, first dance.

  I sit at a round table dressed in red and white colours, and pour vodka into my throat then glare at the wedding guests around me. Sive is sitting at another table across the white tent spreading like a dome above the tables. Ma leans towards her and whispers something into her ear.

  I haven’t talked to my mermaid since I saw her in ‘Jilly Jet’. My eyes sweep over Samael’s two bulls circling around the tent. They’re moving like two leopards ready to rip out someone’s throat at any moment.

  Zane is dancing with his newlywed wife. He seems to be happy. Brianna not so much though. She’s wearing a black mourning gown, after all. It makes her look like a 19th century governess.

  I gaze at Sive. Ma made a braid of her hair and bought her a beautiful turquoise dress. My mermaid looks like a princess. Our glances meet and she averts her eye.

  I stop thinking. An unstoppable force replaces my rationality. My body jerks up and I stride over towards Sive, elbowing my way through the dancing guests. I stop at the table and grab Sive’s arm, pulling her into my embrace. Ma frowns at me but doesn’t comment. Dad snarls at me then gives me an encouraging nod.

  Sive gasps convulsively as I drag her to the dance floor and wrap my arms around her. We don’t move. We’re just standing, clenched together, and Sive trembles in my arms.

  It feels so fucking good to have so close to me. Like I’m alive again. Like I’ve awakened from a nightmare. The subtle vibes of hope rush through me.

  “Come back to me,” I say into her ear and search for those seductive moist lips of hers.

  She stiffens against me, tries to pull away, but I hold her in place and kiss her until I sense that her resistance crumbles.

  I grip her waist and lift her off the ground in an abrupt motion. Her eye flutters like it has made her dizzy. People laugh behind me as Sive’s thighs wrap around my waist and I carry her towards Samael’s house. Good girl. She knows that I’m stronger than her and that I’m not going to give up this time.