I can feel my jaw ticking involuntarily. Do I? Because the woman I love… she wouldn’t have lied to me about all this.
“She’s sure shown me up for the naïve twat that I am,” I groan, head in my hands.
“But didn’t you say her mother died when she was young?”
There’s that. “Hmm. She doesn’t talk about it; she never has.”
“It’s bound to have affected her, maybe in ways she doesn’t realise, maybe in ways she can’t say.”
Do I love her? Do I?
I suppose I must. I’ve put up with a lot in the past and stayed with her, such as the separate beds on occasion and mood swings… her violent temper and demanding nature.
“It feels like I’m trapped right now, like… I’m doing things to keep the peace. I watch what I say. I don’t tell her when I’ve worked overtime because I shift the money into this account I have for a rainy day, like maybe a part of me knows the day will come when I’ll need a backup, you know?”
“That’s not good, Adam.”
“She has these outbursts, sometimes they come from nowhere. Then there’s other times when she’ll sneak into my arms and be the woman I thought I married. But since this whole baby thing, she’s turned into this overbearing workaholic nightmare. And me working from home? I’ve wondered recently if she suggested it so she knows where I am… and so we don’t have to work together anymore, even though that’s how we started out. I’ve wondered if she doesn’t want me to see who she really is… or maybe she’s afraid… and she’s compartmentalising.”
He’s wearing this face, sort of a half-smile, and I ask, “What? What the fuck?”
He shakes his head. “Me and Lily were freaked out when we came and visited your house that first time. Well, I know I was and Lily sort of said recently it all seemed a bit too perfect. There was me between flats with bits and pieces in London and a load of old crap at my mother’s in Leeds… and there’s you two with that amazing place and the intimidating attic room. It seemed… I don’t know… staged. Like, I don’t know… it just… I started to wonder if I ever knew you.”
I pinch my nose and squeeze my eyes shut, trying not to get upset. “I don’t even know myself anymore. Bit by bit, she’s eaten away at who I used to be. Who am I now? Her bitch? I feel like such a fucking fool.”
“Just a fool in love?”
I open my eyes and look at him. “I think so.”
“Listen.” He taps his fingers against the table decisively. “I’ve loved Lily through a lot of shit. I watched her make mistakes. I knew that thing with Paul was like an illness. I waited and I went through hell. I tried to get over my feelings for her. Fuck. I went abroad. I lived in another city. When I wasn’t acting, I was temping… I was just… I needed to be busy and out of my own head, you know?”
“Yeah, I know.” I suspected for ages he was in love with her. The way he was just… there by her side… anyone looking hard enough could see.
“And now,” he exclaims, triumphant, “I can finally say it was worth it. Because I loved her through all that, we have what we have now. And we wouldn’t have this if I hadn’t stuck by her. Maybe she didn’t always know it, but I was there for her, and look at her now. She’s overcome all that crap and she’s happy. Maybe this is Susan’s illness… this lying… this deception. You don’t know the full story. There’s more to this. Sure, she lied to you. But I have loads and loads of friends in the business who are away from their partners a lot and when they get back together after months apart, it’s like getting to know one another again. Yeah, a lot of the time relationships break up because people change too much, but the point is it’s never too late to really get to know one another. Hopefully me and Lily will be doing that for a long time to come, relearning things about each other and discovering all new stuff, too.”
I scratch my chin and almost make my skin bleed. “I feel like if I burst her bubble, she’ll do something stupid. She’ll… I don’t know… she’ll… go off the deep end.”
“Maybe you just gotta love her, then. Wait until she confesses and just be there. Show her even when she’s at her worst, you’re there. She can be high-flying and whatever, be a woman in charge, but you can also show her that there are times when it’s okay for her to be looked after. She doesn’t always have to look after everyone else. I see that she enjoys that, but maybe she needs just a little more from you than just your boyish good looks and whatnot.”
I’m nodding all the time he’s speaking. “I’m tired of her telling me what to do. I didn’t even realise that was what was happening, but I feel like fighting back. It’s an instinct in me, I think… something telling me to not keep taking everything she says as scripture.”
“Okay, well. So right now, she doesn’t know that you know all of this. So just, keep it close to your chest. And maybe, conspire with the clinic… turn up at the appointments, just… be there. See what happens. Susan must know she can’t keep lying like this. Eventually she knows it will catch up to her. Why do you think this bloke she was engaged to in the past chucked her? Because I doubt she chucked him.”
“Why do you say that?”
He lifts his eyebrows right up. “Why do you think she’s insecure about letting you out of her sight? Even Lily said she was surprised she let you come to London at the weekend.”
“Yeah… but I said I was staying with you two. She trusts Lily and that’s why she let me go. She doesn’t know I actually stayed with Ricky in Mayfair and got offered two girls and a tray of coke. I took neither, I might add, but if Susan knew she would fucking flip a lid.”
Theo throws his head back laughing, sounding like a right loon. “Oh. My. God. Well, at least we know you love her. You didn’t take the candy being passed around.”
I can’t help the face I pull. “He’s got twice as big and looks bloated around the gills. Seriously, I think even Chloe would think twice about hanging out with him now. The lifestyle he’s trying to keep up isn’t doing him any good… and the girls only do him because they’re getting free coke and whatever else he gives them… know what I mean?”
Theo’s disgust is written all over his expressive face. “Fucking scuzz bucket.”
“It was a stark reminder actually that what I’ve got is pretty good. I enjoy my work even if it is a bit lonely on my own every day. The money is amazing. My wife is beautiful and an amazing cook. When it’s good between us, it’s really good. She’s funny, she’s a great fuck. She’s ambitious and outspoken, the two things I love most about her. We enjoy sitting on the sofa together most evenings. I mean… compared to being pilled-up all the time just to be able to get out of bed, life could be much worse.”
“That’s what Catholics constantly tell themselves, Adam. That life could be much worse. What they never, ever say to themselves is that, actually, life could also be much, much fucking better.”
“If only she would open up,” I say sadly.
“Yeah,” he agrees, drinking the last of his pint. “Listen, I better—”
“I know, time is precious. You’re going back to London soon.”
“If you don’t want me to say anything to Lily, I won’t. But she might be able to give you some pointers… I don’t know… something.”
As he’s standing up, I take his proffered hand and shake it. “I know you two. You can’t keep anything from each other.”
“Bane of my life, I’m afraid,” Theo admits.
“Thanks for listening, mate. Means a lot.”
“If I’m not here, you know Lily will be. If you need anything, just shout. We’re just a phone call away. But if I were you, I’d just give this time and maybe, eventually, once she starts to admit there are problems, you could suggest doing counselling together. I don’t know, like I said, Lily will probably know better.”
“I don’t know, I think she’d say her work here is done.”
A chuckle rips from his throat. “She does rub off on you eventually.”
“She’s one in a
million. She really is.”
He winks and leaves the pub before I hold him hostage any longer. I contemplate heading for the bar and getting one for the road, but even I’m not that sad yet. I’ll get home and sup a can from the fridge if I get desperate.
I jump on the train home and feel a sense of purpose… an opportunity to take back control. Slowly, that’s what I’m going to do. I have a chance to put things right… and I’m going to look at it all like that.
I’m halfway home when my phone rings and it’s Lily. I answer on the second ring.
“Hey, you.”
“Hey yourself.”
“He told you then?”
“Well, an abridged version. I’m sure more will come out once he’s got his head around it all.”
“Yeah.”
“Look, Adam…”
“Yeah?” I’m hoping for something… a nugget of clarity, maybe.
“I think the advice he gave you was pretty good, but I also think that if you want to walk away, that’s fine too. You have every right. The lies… I mean… the lies, Adam.”
“I know, I honestly couldn’t breathe… felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest.”
“Oh god, Ads. I mean, I can’t imagine.”
“It’s just good to hear from you and Theo that I’m not mad. I’ve felt like I’m going round the twist some days.”
“Listen, after we get off the phone, I’m going to email you a list of numbers for various… let’s say… scenarios and levels of situation. I’ll send them discreetly so she won’t see them, and then if you need, you can access them in the event… and call for help. Some of the numbers are just for people you can talk to… for free, anytime. It’s all totally confidential.”
“You don’t have to—”
“I think I do, Ads. I can’t get involved personally. It isn’t for me to sit you down and tell you what you’re dealing with. I can only point you in the right direction. You see—”
“She’s your friend, too.”
“Exactly. I’ve got to know her… I’m not objective anymore. I’m shocked, truthfully but I also don’t know… I’ve seen and heard worse in the job I’m in. People just lose it, sometimes. Often, it’s not their fault. Our minds… they are complex things.”
“I don’t feel so alone anymore now I’ve spoken to you and Theo. It’s… made it more bearable. I’m grateful.”
She sniffles down the phone a bit. “We both love you. Whatever you do, we’re here with whatever you need. A bed, a shoulder to cry on, a sofa to sit on, whatever. Please. Don’t ever think you’d be putting us out. And please, you know, whatever you do… don’t trust anyone else with this. We will keep it to ourselves but not everyone else is discreet like us. If she finds out you’ve confided in other people, she might take it the wrong way.”
“Don’t worry, I’m well aware of how fragile she is.”
“I know.”
“Listen, the train’s about to pull in—”
“I’ll let you go. Just call or text, yeah? Just to let us know.”
“I will.”
“Okay, bye then, Adam.”
“See you, Lily.”
Chapter Four
I get home before her, draw a bath, put out a selection of magazines on the toilet lid, light candles, drizzle her favourite salts, some dissolvable rose petals, add some bubbles. I even put music on for her.
I’m in the kitchen by the time she gets back but hopefully the bath will still be hot enough. I’m on my laptop at the kitchen island, reading up on her condition. I close all the windows relating to that and bring up the latest football transfers and upcoming fixtures.
She walks into the room looking tired and drawn and says, “You’re home.”
I swig a little beer. “Was just a quick one with Theo.”
“Oh, okay.” She looks relieved and kisses my hair as she walks past me, heading straight for the fridge. She pours herself some wine and seems to relax the minute it touches her lips.
“Did you eat?” I ask.
“Yeah, we got pizza,” she says, “big project on at the moment and the bloody server had to go down, didn’t it? Everyone’s working from home tomorrow just in case it fucks up again.”
The thought of having her home immediately perks me up. “Oh, well.”
“Hmm, not ideal. But there we go.”
She kicks off her shoes and is about to leave the room when I shout after her, “There’s a bath ready and waiting for you.”
She turns, surprised. “Really?”
“Go and see.”
She’s about to leave when she turns around. “Could get used to this.”
I’m horrified to realise, as she leaves the room in a hurry to get to her bath, that I’ve never drawn her a bath before.
There are a lot of things I’ve done for her but they’ve always been for me, really. Like spa vouchers, hotel breaks, lingerie, flowers or chocolates delivered to her desk… it’s always been about the thrill of sex in exchange. And that’s wrong. I’m her husband. What we have should be about more than that.
Now that I know she’s been living with this horrid condition in secret, I finally understand why she sometimes hides things from me. Theo and Lily have inspired me to realise that it should be about more… it should be about love. I have to help her pull through all this shit she’s been going through. I’ve been so wrapped up in the lust we have for one another that I failed to notice all this other stuff she harbours, beneath.
I finish my can of beer, switch off everything downstairs and check all the doors are locked.
I pass the bathroom door upstairs and hear her murmur, “Thank you, honey.”
I poke my head in and see she’s submerged beneath the water, her face fresh and relaxed.
“You’re welcome. I’m just going to read in bed.”
“I’ll be there soon.”
“Take as long as you need.”
She smiles and I leave her to it.
I enter our bedroom with our beautiful big bed in the middle and sigh at the sight of it. A few nights ago, I couldn’t wait to escape the shackles of this and what it represents… but now I feel like I’m ready to tackle whatever crap might come our way.
I undress and climb in wearing my reading glasses. I’m working my way through Neil Gaiman at the moment. The White Company sheets are lovely and cool but so comforting.
She enters the room in her robe, her hair falling down her back in big, bouncy curls, her hair having been pinned up in a bun all day long no doubt. She’s completely make-up free and looks ravishing.
She sits in front of her dressing table and rubs some cream into her hands, forearms, face and neck. I can hardly take my eyes off her; she’s so beautiful. And yet, now I know, lurking beneath her beauty is pain she’s tried so desperately to hide from me.
“That was a lovely bath,” she says eventually, “thank you.”
“You’re welcome. You deserve it after a long day.”
“I bloody did, actually!” she chuckles.
She leaves her stool and walks across the room, puts her robe on the back of the door and pushes it closed. She’s wearing a silk slip and her tiny nipples are pushing against the delicate material, so very dainty and gorgeous. She climbs into bed, switches off the lamp at her side and groans, “I’m exhausted.”
I put my book away, switch off my lamp and slip down into bed. “Me too.”
“If it’s okay, I’m too tired for nookie tonight.”
“That’s okay but I’d love to cuddle.”
“Me too.”
She rolls into my arms and I smile into the dark, her scent enveloping me, wrapping me up. I’m instantly warmed, comforted… a little aroused. She rests her cheek on my shoulder and strokes her hand across my chest as I twirl my fingers through her hair.
“What did you and Theo have to talk about?”
“A few things.”
Silence.
“What things?” she asks eventually.
“Well, at the weekend we didn’t really get time… you know… to really speak.”
“What did he say?” she asks. “Did you tell him about, you know?”
“Well, he gave me pause for thought… and I’ve been wondering… maybe we should do IVF, if that’s what you want.”
She shoots up in bed, looking down on me from an almost seated position. “What? Are you serious?”
“I don’t want your father to pay for it but I’ve been thinking… there are ways we can get the money ourselves.”
I hear her breathing heavily and in the dark, I can see her eyes are glistening. “Are you sure? You seemed so…”
“I want what you want. But you do love me, right? Susie? You love me, right?”
She slides onto my body and kisses me fiercely, holding me so tight. She tucks herself into me, resting her head over my heart. “More than anything, I love you, Adam. Surely you realise that by now.”
I don’t want her to know that I know, or that by agreeing to IVF, I’m just trying to get closer to all this and figure out a way for us to face the real problem, head on.
“I’ve just felt… I don’t know… not myself,” I try to explain it all away.
“I know, I know. But I’m sure we can pay for it ourselves. If I sell the car and start going into work on the train, that ought to cover it, or if we Air BnB one of our rooms… maybe the attic… we could get the money like that. Who knows, eh? Whatever it takes!” she gushes.
A few days ago, I was beset by a clog of some kind, because a part of me felt responsible for all this and so I didn’t want to put her through the treatment because of my shortcomings. Now I’m looking at this differently, everything has changed. I’m not so dead against it anymore, I’m open to options. I can see clearer. I see we don’t have to resort to her default of asking her father for the money – and I’m glad she’s okay with that.
“What the hell did Theo say?” she asks, sounding joyous but also crying into my chest.
“He set me straight,” I murmur, kissing her hair, “made me see you have to take a leap of faith for love. You know, his mother is the biggest battleaxe on earth but he has a heart of pure gold in spite of her.”
Bad Wife Page 4