He finds me and I notice right away he’s been crying.
Chapter Ten
I don’t draw attention to what I can see written all over his face. Either he just had bad news (unlikely) or it finally all hit him that she’s gone and he’s sad.
“I found these and I think you’ll want to see them.”
He shuffles across the room and takes a seat opposite me at the same time as placing a white envelope on the table marked Last Will and Testament.
I’m rifling through loads of shots of Allegra when she was young. There are a lot of different men on her arm. I put the brown folder to one side because none of these seem of any significance. I guess she just wanted to be able to remind herself she was young once.
I get to the photo album which is different to the others I was looking at in her small private room. This one is small and chunky and has a leather cover, not plastic or material, but leather.
I open the book and there are polaroids and little pictures someone must have taken on those tiny little cameras people used to carry around in their pockets and are now worth a fortune.
These picture Gustav and Allegra, in restaurants… on beaches… in bed. In the bath. Nothing pornographic. But these are personal. Intimate. Images of two people deeply and desperately in love.
You can tell she was a little older. Gustav had that lankiness Theo used to have before he started working out in a bid to boost his chances of landing better parts.
Gustav was brown-haired but she had thick raven hair like Theo’s. I guess she must have been dyeing it platinum all these years – maybe she went grey early.
There are moody shots, too. There’s one where they’ve been captured at the end of a night and there are bottles everywhere. Allegra is holding Gustav’s hand and she’s chatting animatedly with someone across the table while Gustav looks passed out with fatigue.
I keep going through them… but all I see are two people who really loved one another. There are so many images here of the lifestyle most of us crave… travel, food, freedom… beauty… fashion, artistic expression.
How could they ever part? More to the point, Allegra looks a different person in these shots. She’s so carefree, so bold and flamboyant in floor-length summer dresses and tent-like sweaters and t-shirts, always paired with tight jeans or some kind of jazzy leggings.
Perhaps these are simply the moments she wanted to remember and all the dark stuff was never photographed or went in the bin. And then I realise… someone was taking all these photos. A friend of theirs? An intimate friend? Who? Or did Allegra set up the shot and the camera was on a timer? No… there was someone, wasn’t there? Someone in their friendship group who was obsessed with capturing this pair together. Perhaps Theo’s aunt, Karen? Although I doubt it. She’s an ordinary woman, not someone like Allegra who travelled the world and made a living off her body, then her art.
I look up and Theo’s staring at the table, his chin resting on his hand. “What have you got there?”
“These… she hid them. They’re… I mean… her collection in there should be in a museum, but these… someone took these of your mother and father. They’re candid and intimate… someone who must have been a close friend of theirs. They’re beautifully captured, almost as if they might come to life, right out of the paper.”
“Let me see.”
He spends a while staring at the first few photos, then he’s fingering his way through them at a greater pace, as though wanting to see them on a reel.
He gets to the last few photos and there’s one of somebody new.
“Lombardi,” he mumbles, passing me the album.
I didn’t see this one; didn’t get as far as Theo.
“Her husband?” I ask.
“Yes, who she led me to believe was my father… and I still don’t know the truth. I mean, yes, I could be… I have only the word of Gustav to go on.”
“Unless you got a paternity test?”
“I don’t know.” He shakes his head, rubbing his eyes.
“These are some pictures,” I tell him. “It’s them. It’s him and her. How could they have split up? Look at them.”
Theo rests his elbows on the table, hands wrapped together in front of them, nose pushed against his closed fists. He squeezes his eyes shut and tells me, “She didn’t tell me the safe code. I guessed it. It’s his date of birth.”
“What the fuck?” I’m shocked. “Why weren’t they together? I really don’t get it.”
“Lombardi was an artist, too,” he tells me. “I can believe he was taking all these photos. Maybe they were his muses. These are only tiny pictures but good enough he could use them to paint from. Don’t you think it’s weird?”
“It’s weird!” I exclaim. “It’s… voyeuristic and a bit creepy but all the same, arty and beautiful and cute.”
“So, what were they? Models? Then lovers? She told Lily Gustav was an artist too, back in the day. Had Lombardi promised to help Gustav find his feet in the art world if he and my mother posed for him or something? I don’t get it.”
“Well, I think I know who will be interested in these and he’s just a call away. I reckon he could tell you everything you need to know.”
He nods slowly, knowing he can’t let this go. “And those ones?” he asks, pointing to the brown folder.
“Old lovers,” I tell him, “nothing like the photos in there. Just bog standard really. Wanna take a look?”
“Nah, not if you didn’t see anything particularly interesting.”
“Nope, just conquests she wanted to remember, I think.”
“Definitely not then,” he chuckles.
He looks spooked… a little on edge and unsettled. “Where’s the alcohol kept?”
“She was teetotal,” he says. “All my life. Probably why I’ve always been moderate.”
“Never knew that.”
“Now you do.”
I notice he’s staring at the will and point to it. “What’s it say?”
“Don’t know,” he mumbles, biting his nail, “too scared to open it.”
“Want me to?”
“Go on then.”
The envelope is sealed and is obviously her copy, printed not so long ago. I assume people also keep a copy with their solicitor.
It’s not hefty and my keen eye scans the document quickly. “Basically, you’re her benefactor but there are a few stipulations. You must take her collection of photos to be archived somewhere or let museums have them or sell them for show, if you want.” I hear him draw breath as I read on. “She wants you to put money in trust for her grandchildren, but I think that’s more of like a personal request, not a formal instruction. She says enough for their first cars or something because their father needs people to drive him around.”
Theo bursts out laughing and wipes his face, too.
“She’s left all her clothes, jewellery and personal effects to her sister, Karen. Including all her paintings. The library is to be kept in the family and if necessary, put in storage when you sell the house, something she would prefer, she requests, so that you may live where it’s more convenient for work. She also wants Lily to have the ornaments on the mantlepiece. She noticed Lily admiring them. There’s a bunch of other stuff here, little tokens she would like you to send to people. She also… wait.” I read on because I almost don’t believe what I’m seeing. “She says she wants you to give Gustav the album hiding in her bottom drawer.”
I can’t help but laugh, almost as if she was so adamant about this, her spirit directed me to find the thing this very night.
“She wants him to have it, oh, and the box of ticket stubs and postcards and things she keeps at the bottom of her wardrobe.”
“Fucking hell,” he groans, wiping his face of more tears. “Fuck me, woman. Even now, you’re tormenting me.”
I laugh because I know Theo well enough to know he’s dramatic even at the best of times.
“What else is there?” he asks.
; “Just that she’s departing this life having lived it fully and she was perfectly okay with how everything turned out. She never wanted you to see her suffer and she hopes you will forgive her for never letting you see her heart, but it wasn’t hers, you see. She says it belonged to someone else who she left it with, long, long ago. She says she has no regrets and she’s blessed to have had a son like you.”
Theo breaks down and pushes his fists into his eyes. “No, Mum. No! Why? We never got to say goodbye.”
I cry watching my friend suffer but at the same time, I know she wanted to spare him the pain and suffering of having to watch someone you love fade away at the hands of cancer. She loved him more than he realised… she spared Theo not just from this disease, but potentially from a toxic relationship, a broken heart and a complex past we may never find out everything about.
Chapter Eleven
We arrive back at home and he’s the first one inside, chasing up the stairs and away from me. He was quiet all the way home and I don’t know what’s going on inside his mind, only that he doesn’t seem to be taking any of this well. She left him everything, so why isn’t he happy?
I enter the sitting room and find the two girls sitting comfortably in the sofa, blankets around their knees, the coffee table covered in snacks and treats, a soppy film on the TV. I plonk a bag of stuff on the floor and Lily searches my eyes.
“Did he just race straight upstairs?”
“He didn’t say anything on the way home.”
Susan is quiet but her eyes tell me she’s worried for Theo and that Lily is, too.
“Do you think I should go to him?” she asks me, like I’m any more qualified than her.
“Maybe, I don’t know.”
“Hmm,” she says, and stays where she is, perhaps deciding to give him some space.
“Come and sit down,” Susan calls, clearing a bit of space for me. She kisses my cheek and puts her arm through mine, offering me some popcorn which I decline.
We all sit around unnerved and I’m not even watching the TV with a vague interest, I’m still thinking about the photos and the will and the look in Theo’s eyes. But mostly, I can’t stop thinking about that photo album.
I listen out for Theo coming back downstairs – because he may have just gone up to change – but there’s no sound. I dash across the room and grab the leather photo album from the bag I brought back, handing it to Lily. I go back across the room and push the door just slightly closed.
“Just… take a look.”
She and Susan huddle together to inspect the photo album and Lily says nothing, except her facial expressions demonstrate all the same things I was thinking… that it looks like they were in love, very much so, but they’re also artfully shot like they were all sort of… posed.
“How strange,” Susan whispers. “They look like scenes perfect for paintings.”
“We thought so, too,” I admit. “Whoever shot these was an artist close to the couple.”
“This will be killing him,” Lily murmurs.
“She left him everything but it’s like—”
Theo bursts into the room unexpectedly and peers at us, asking with his eyes why the door to the room was pushed closed.
He notices the ladies with the album and his face contorts with anger. “Put the book down, will you? That thing is… that thing…” He loses his breath and turns his back on us, his hands on his hips as he tries to catch his breath.
Lily looks at us and I see the fear in her eyes. I feel like this isn’t the first time he’s had an outburst. I read about this once in a men’s magazine. They say that if you grow up being taught to hold everything in, you end up doing the same as an adult and all your emotions come out in all the wrong ways.
Lily stands up and puts her hands on his shoulders, smoothing down his shirt.
“Are you okay, honey?”
“No,” he says, “no.”
He puts his face in his hands and turns, looking upset at first, then angry.
“We could’ve had some time,” he says, his skin stretched across his cheeks abnormally, his eyes wide – a terrifying sight to behold. “If I hadn’t loved you, I could’ve had a bit of time with her.”
Lily takes a step back and holds her hands up, shrinking back. “Hold up, what?”
“She didn’t hate me.” He shakes his head wildly. “And because of you, I didn’t get to say goodbye.”
I shake my head and wonder if I should step in. He’s saying things he doesn’t mean. He doesn’t know what he’s saying.
“I don’t understand,” she protests, emotion caught in her throat.
Susan squeezes my knee and I wonder if she’s worried or just reminding me she’s here or about to intervene herself.
“She locked us out because she didn’t agree with us getting married. I could’ve had more time.”
“He doesn’t know what he’s saying.” I stand up and Susan tries to stop me, but she’s too late, I’m on my feet and Theo lurches for me, grabbing me by the shirt collars.
“Do not tell me how I feel.” He puts his face right in front of mine and I can see every vein in his eyes, red and popping furiously.
I catch my breath and hold my hand up for the girls not to get involved. I hold Theo’s gaze and softly tell him, “Don’t you see? She knew you’d found Lily, finally. It gave her comfort and enabled her to go to her rest, knowing you’d have Lily. Otherwise why did she leave her those ornaments? I really believe she didn’t want you to see her die. She was protecting you. All the time. But she didn’t get it right. Not always. She didn’t allow you to share in her sadness, in her failures and flaws. She tried to keep herself off limits to you lest you found out about her dark past… like with the photos… I mean, we’ll have to ask Gustav what they mean.”
The anger in Theo’s eyes subsides and I feel like I’ve got through to him somehow because he releases my collars and squeezes my shoulders instead.
“The album… Gustav…” he whispers. “He can tell us everything.”
“It’s worth a try,” I whisper.
But then he’s got my collars again and is almost spitting in my face: “If you and Lily hadn’t decided that Gustav wasn’t my father, then I wouldn’t have gone to her house and told her to butt out of my life and to keep away from us. If you hadn’t said anything to Lily, she might have told me about Gustav and we could’ve all been together and it’s your fault, Adam. See, you’re not that perfect. You thought my mother was being dishonest and even Susan, even Susan with all her lies and her problems knew straight away my mother must have been telling the truth and you… you’re responsible for this right now. I didn’t get to say goodbye to my mother.”
It all happens so fast after that. Susan is suddenly between us and I’m pushed to the other side of the room. He’s almost a foot taller than her but she smacks him in the face and he staggers back, holding his jaw. His eyes are brimming with tears and he’s hunched over when she points at him, “No, Theo. No. You do not come into our house and blame my husband for your own problems. No. No way. You leave him alone. He was only telling Lily what he knew, what was the truth. The truth is, she did leave you and go away on holidays. She did try to interfere in your love life and she wants all this… what is happening right now. She wants to bring contention and paranoia into your life. Now let me tell you a few things, Theodore Richards. Let me tell you and then, and only after I’ve spoken, will I allow you to get to your knees and grovel for our forgiveness for coming into our sacrosanct home and disturbing the peace.”
She has her hands on her hips, waiting for him to agree. He still has hold of his jaw but nods.
“Only a woman whose heart must have been frozen solid could have wished you pain like this. Either that or she was so jealous. Jealous because you’re good. You’re pure. You’re good. You don’t have her foibles, her weaknesses, her flaws. No. You’re different. And maybe you’re different because you haven’t had the same bullshit in your life that she had
. Maybe Adam’s only mistake today is to try and feed you a lovely lie… because I think she threatened to cut you out and disown you just to mess with your head, NOT to protect you, not at all. She wanted Lily to be the one who delivered the news about Gustav because your mother knew it would fuck with your head during the most important time of your life… when you’re in the play of your dreams and living the life you’ve always wanted… isn’t it a bit coincidental she chose that time to drop that massive clanger about Gustav? I mean, if she never came to see the play, would you have given a shit?”
He shakes his head. “She was ill. I would’ve got over it.”
“Precisely. She was using Lily as her fucking scapegoat, someone to do her dirty work. She wanted to put you in a foul mood and maybe it would’ve worked to your advantage on stage, but I bet it didn’t help personally.”
“No,” he says, chin wobbling.
“After my mother died, I didn’t feel anything. I know that because the day she died I asked my father if we could go to the toy store and he took me. I got a plastic horse and that was that. But then, something happened. I don’t know what. Maybe the grief hit me… but all I know is that I can’t remember that first year after her death. I think I woke up the day after the funeral as someone else and I’ve been that someone else ever since.”
Theo drops to his knees and I feel myself frowning, not wanting Susan to go through with this but unable to stop her, I know. He holds his hand over his heart and bows his head.
“My parents came to this country with nothing. He wanted to make a better life for her because she was ill and suffering from MS. My father is a millionaire a few times over. Even after her death, his business kept growing. Knowing what I know now though, I wish I could go back and tell him to give that young girl love. Above all else, love. Not money. Toys. Dresses. Things. Just love. There is truly no excuse for a parent holding back their love. Even before she passed away, he was like that. He was unavailable, and yet, he loved her enough to move to a foreign land… to try for better… and they stuck together, through thick and thin. I know that they shared real love and I think that’s what I’ve clung to, all these years. My early-childhood memories must have set some sort of example for me because I eventually found Adam.”
Bad Wife Page 11