Tears formed in his eyes—it was answer enough. She turned away and stared blankly at the plain wall. She did not answer when he talked in soothing tones, as if she could be comforted. What she did do was close her eyes, shut him out, and will for him to go away and leave her alone.
When he did not give her peace, she became brutal and said, “I want to be alone!”
Though instant regret was forming in her mind, she refused to acknowledge an apology. She couldn’t do anything but mourn her baby.
A while after her outburst she heard voices outside her door. Had she fallen asleep again? Yes, she had after another round of begging her husband to leave her be. Telling him his absence is what would make her better. Had she really been so cruel?
Now she was groggy and…lost. Finally, she picked up the hushed tones of Lacey and Andrew discussing her.
“She won’t see anyone. She will ignore you, or if you’re lucky, she will speak to you and tell you to go away.” Andrew sounded miserable.
“That doesn’t sound like Cameron.”
“She’s not herself just now. Please, don’t go in. She needs to rest.”
But she didn’t need rest. She needed her baby back.
*** *** ***
Andrew did leave her alone, but only because he was desperate. He called on Doc Colvin, even though his friend had been trying to retire for months. He was the one who would know how to help. “She won’t eat,” Andrew said.
“That doesn’t surprise me. She’s not only lost a child, she’s also suffering from a feeling of failure. It was her body that lost a baby, your baby. That sense of loss affects one’s ability to rationalize natural circumstance. Cameron was quite ill but she’ll get better, and one day you will have lots of babies to fill your home.”
“I don’t know about that Doc. It’s as if she blames me. I want to reach her and don’t know how.”
“I assure you, she’ll come around. You have an advantage over most of us. You have faith, hope and love. Folks think that preachers need to do all the praying, but I’ll be doing some praying on your behalf.”
Andrew blinked back the moisture in his eyes. “We appreciate you and your kindness.”
“Go on home to your wife, Reverend, and give her time—time to mourn, and as unnecessary as it is, to forgive herself.”
*** *** ***
Andrew sat in his darkened living area with Cameron, as usual, alone in the back room. All was quiet with the exception of sputtering and crackling sounds coming from the fireplace. With elbows balanced on knees, he tucked his face within both hands. He needed to think, to pray, to ponder.
There was simply nothing else he could do for his wife’s state of mind. Nothing except give it up to the One who is the most able to comfort and care for her—for their marriage. Several moments of silence and waiting passed before Andrew felt a peace settle over him, removing anxiety, doubt, and fear of not being enough for his hurting wife. Yes, he was her husband and had a role to play, but it had been played out.
He’d been attempting to handle this crisis on his own and he now realized it was not meant to be upon his shoulders. “Forgive me, Lord. I’ve taken responsibilities beyond myself. I give this situation, Cameron, our...baby up to You. I ask that You make a way for things to be right. Touch her heart as you’ve been so faithful in touching mine.”
Release and ease came. Andrew looked towards the door that was always shut, the door his wife used to separate him from her, unconsciously using it to shut out hurt and pain. It was his baby, too, and he, too, felt grief and the pain of loss, but he did not understand Cameron’s lack of hope, and he did not understand her depression and not being able to rise above this. He was ready to step aside and allow God to work in her life. It was time for him to go to the church and prepare a sermon for Sunday. Newly filled with peace, he whispered to the closed door, “Bless you, Cameron Jackson.”
*** *** ***
Cameron heard the door click and was torn between relief at being alone and anger at him for leaving. As her conflicting feelings warred with each other, she curled herself up and lay on her side. She’d been letting herself go, having no desire to do anything but remain in the safety of her bed—alone—eating only out of necessity and seeing no one. She did not care about anything, for nothing was worse than losing her baby. And Andrew, how could he move on so quickly? Did he not care?
With an abundant amount of time on her hands, she began to think about her childhood. Her drunken father’s rages. She’d spent many hours as a child crawling up into a ball in a corner of the house, pulling her dirtied apron over her head so she couldn’t see. Shoving her palms against her ears so she couldn’t hear. To sit and wait for the moment her mama would cautiously, so as not to scare her, tug at her apron. When she did, it meant it was over. Her pa would be asleep somewhere or gone again. Her mama would then hold her tightly and sing for hours. And she remembered her mama dying of pneumonia, and on her deathbed, ordering her to go and find Thomas.
She remembered being rejected by this new brother. He was supposed to be family, and he’d rejected her time and time again before finally coming around and accepting her. And in her more recent memories, she saw Jake Collins’s face. She had given herself to him, not knowing it wasn’t right, not knowing he was not meant to be her husband.
The time she was alone at Spillman’s Creek came before her. It was the time she went in search of the God Andrew always spoke of, and she’d found Him. She had been full of His love, full of His peace, and full of contentment that day and from then on.
Until now.
Cameron turned onto her back, and placing a hand on her empty womb, she cried aloud, “Don’t you see, God. I’ve been through all of those things. I could go through them all again if needed. But this...anything but this...”
Bitter tears slid down her cheeks. “This is not fair, this baby was a part of me. You should not have let him die...after all I’ve been through.”
She did not give Him a chance to respond, to comfort, or to settle her spirit. She did not want to remember anymore.
Chapter Thirteen
Thomas Engel was not known to be a man of compassion, least of all a comforter to women. So Cameron was utterly shocked when he entered her room.
His first words were, “Jake made me come.”
This insensitive statement nearly caused a smile to come to her. As if he would never have come on his own accord. Then she wondered what Jake had to do with anything. “Jake?”
He tossed himself into the chair underneath a window, where he promptly cursed. “He had the nerve to threaten me.”
“Nobody can threaten you, Thomas.”
“Don’t I know it! Then he proclaimed that you won’t see nobody and I aim to set you straight.”
If Jake told him that, then it meant Andrew had told him about her seclusion. She did not know how to feel about them talking behind her back like that. But for now she needed to address her brother. “Set me straight?”
“Well somebody has to!” He looked around. “Kinda depressing in here, don’t ya’ think?”
She set down her book and took him in. She’d fought so hard to win her brother’s favor and love. He looked right back at her with their mother’s hazel eyes. He was concerned and it touched her heart.
“I hadn’t noticed.” She looked away, embarrassed. In truth, she wondered if her appearance matched the way she felt, which wasn’t good.
Unable to keep to herself another moment, she blurted, “I was going to have a baby!”
“Can you only be happy if you have a baby?”
She looked sharply at him. “You have no idea.”
“Of course I don’t! But I know that we have to pick ourselves up, for Pete’s sake. You, of all the people I know have persevered no matter what.”
“Maybe I can’t anymore. I just can’t.”
Whatever tears she thought were long gone and dried up surged forth and spilled down her cheekbones.
&nbs
p; He cursed and said, “Don’t you do that.”
“Stop swearing.”
It was silent for a few minutes.
“You blame Andrew?”
Looking straight ahead, she replied, “I guess I did...I do.” It sounded absurd even as she said it. Of course it wasn’t Andrew’s fault. “I’ve been so awful to him. The kinder he is to me, the more horrible I am!”
Shaken by her abhorrent behavior, she dwelt on Andrew. It took an unattached outsider to speak truth to her.
“I don’t know what to tell you about all of that, but somehow, I don’t think you could do anything to make him not love you.”
She nodded pathetically, swiping at her tears. “I’m sure I know that.”
Cameron turned her eyes on him. “Please come closer.”
Thomas stiffened, as if afraid a hug was forthcoming.
“Thank you for saving my life that day.” She laced her thin arms around his strong shoulders.
He patted her awkwardly. “I think first things first—you need to get some meat on your bones.”
She would never forget her baby—just like she would never forget her mama. But she knew somehow her life would come back and she would know it as before. Her brother’s presence had been a gift although she was sure he would never admit to it.
When Andrew came home that evening, Cameron had the table set and the scent of fried chicken wafted throughout their home. He stood at the door waiting, most likely wondering if it all meant that she was his again. Humbly, she walked into his arms, which opened wide to receive her.
Chapter Fourteen
Cameron chose to make things right with Lacey and made her way to the restaurant. When she couldn’t find her throughout the hotel, she took the steps to her room. Cameron knocked. “May I come in?”
Their relationship was strained and rightly so since she’d rejected Lacey’s visits.
She received a cool response. “If you must.”
Cameron entered bearing a gift of miniature spiced cakes. “I’ve been a terrible friend.”
Lacey nodded her agreement.
A laugh escaped her lips. “Well, what do we do now?”
Lacey said, “Never do that to each other is what. When we’re hurting, we need one another.”
“I promise.”
Cameron made herself comfortable at a round table upon which photographs were scattered about. Picking one up to admire, she saw it to be a wedding picture. The delicate face of her beautiful friend stared back at her. She’d looked happy, young and in love as she stood next to an equally handsome young man. “This is your husband… the one who owns this property?”
“If he’s still alive that is.” Lacey sat on the edge of the bed, folding her hands in her lap.
“What’s his name?”
“Blaine. But I don’t wish to speak of him.” Lacey pulled each photo into a pile and tossed them into a hatbox.
Cameron asked pointedly, “I’m forgiven then for avoiding you?”
“You are.”
There was the noise of a crowd gathering outside. Both women went downstairs and stepped onto the boardwalk to see Jake riding down the middle of the street. A packhorse with a dead body slung over it trailed behind. He was barely recognizable. A full beard covered his hardened face and his eyes held no compassion whatsoever. People stood in awe as they watched him fling a dead man’s body onto the boardwalk in front of the jail. After dismounting from his horse, he ventured into the jail—leaving the body behind.
Lacey mumbled something under her breath and headed towards the jail, dragging Cameron with her. She hadn’t gathered her thoughts around what was going on yet and didn’t have time to refuse Lacey’s pull.
“Jake?” Lacey said as she entered.
He spun around, hand immediately on the butt of his gun. Upon seeing who it was he released his tension. “Don’t ever sneak up on a man like that. Not if ya’ wanna live to see tomorrow. Blast it Lacey!”
“I wasn’t sneaking up on you Jake Collins!”
Cameron was going to back away, not wanting to be a part of any confrontation. It hurt to see his mean-looking countenance anyway. At her movement his gaze settled on her. “You’re all right then?”
She couldn’t believe the change in his tone. “I am, thanks to you.”
Lacey looked between them. “Thanks to him?”
She stepped forward, boldness returning. “He had Thomas come see me, and he made me see how I was treating others.”
Jake looked away as if he couldn’t handle her acknowledgment. Suddenly, her dear friend chimed in, apparently believing they needed time alone. Little did she know how wrong she was.
Lacey turned to leave. “Well, I’ve got guests to tend to.”
Cameron began to wring her hands, unsure how to interact with the man who’d recently kissed her. She’d forgiven him because it was the right thing to do, but that didn’t mean she wouldn’t tread with caution.
He initiated what needed to be addressed. “It was a cruel thing that I did. I wanted to make amends...but I didn’t know how to put it in words.”
“That’s why you sent Thomas.”
“I wanted to know that you would come back to yourself.”
“I admit I took longer than most would.” Unable to help herself she went closer.
It was he who stepped away, keeping his distance. “Don’t,” he said.
She risked her question. “When are you going to come back to yourself?”
“I don’t think ever.”
“You have to, for your own sake.” She wanted to be near him, hoping in vain to reach through his rough exterior. “Please, Jake…”
They were interrupted by Sheriff Ed Randall. “Heard about your catch.” He and a deputy carried in the stiff body, which Cameron noted, had a bullet hole through the middle of his forehead.
“Just doing my job.”
“Ain’t you ever gonna bring a man in alive?”
Jake cursed. “You sound like a woman!”
Cameron flinched.
Jake wasn’t finished and she had to wonder if he’d rather be taking his frustration out on her just then. But it was Ed who was the unfortunate one.
“What do you think I do out there? I get shot at plenty! Men are going to die, Sheriff. I don’t aim to have it be me.”
Then Jake turned spiteful again. He was still speaking to Ed, but his eyes bore into Cameron’s. “Although I don’t think it should much matter.”
Chapter Fifteen
Having strength return allowed Cameron to go about her duties as the preacher’s wife. The striving to please Andrew and others had lessened and her only satisfaction came from doing things she believed pleased God. It was a much more freeing way to live. It had taken time to shake off Jake’s harrowing statement about his life not being important. She hoped the amount of time she spent in prayer for him would be fruitful. He had to see that God was there for him, same as anybody else. She even engaged Andrew in praying for him. After all, two were better than one.
This day, she had gathered with nine others in a quilting bee. They sat in a circle in the churchyard underneath two maple trees that provided shade from the welcome sunshine. Across the grasses, she saw Kimberly and Bethany making their way towards the group.
“Where do they think they’re going?” Lacey asked.
Addressing the ladies Cameron said, “I’ve invited them. Anyone is welcome to sew quilts for the orphans. Shouldn’t that be so?”
She challenged them, using her newfound status and confidence to do so.
Lacey threw her a doubtful glance. Cameron hoped the women of Lincoln County would act as Christian as she believed they were, and to Cameron’s pleasure, murmured agreements stirred throughout the circle as Penny served refreshments.
The ladies approached and Cameron rose to greet them. She retrieved a bundle from Kimberly and held up a beautiful calico with shades of green and yellow. “Look what Kimberly brought! It’s lovely.”
/> The ladies adjusted seating, and while the newcomers claimed an open spot, Cameron observed those around her. What a comical sight this was—churchgoers and prostitutes. Who would have ever thought? After several minutes of quiet demeanors, conversation picked up slightly and grew as the day carried on. It wasn’t long before they appeared comfortable enough with one another. After all, women were women and could talk until the roosters came home. All but Bethany. Cameron hoped this time of fellowship would be as good for her as it was for them.
“Ouch!” Lacey yelped.
Cameron shook her head in warning before something slipped out of her mouth that might offend the ladies. “Lacey, why don’t you start folding the finished quilts and wrap them with that ribbon there. Penny can help you.”
Lacey glared. “Fine!” She sucked on her pricked finger, and with exaggerated elegance, stood and smoothed out her dress. She’d toned down her attire for the quilting bee, but the dress she wore still outshone anyone within miles.
Not knowing why it was so important, Cameron wanted to pull Bethany into their group. She couldn’t imagine what it was like to be a widow at such a tender age and compassion swelled within to offer friendship. She glanced at Bethany, who was quite adept at stitching. “You’ve a fine hand for sewing.”
A slight blush touched her cheeks. “Thank you.”
“How did you learn that particular stitch?”
“I had a nanny growing up. She taught me.”
The others were now intrigued. No doubt they’ve never known anyone who’d had a nanny. Kimberly said, “A nanny? Where do you come from, girl?”
She looked like she wanted to leave the circle but Cameron was too curious to let her out of the questioning. Not a gracious decision for a hostess, but they all could admit to how mysterious Bethany was.
Bethany was cautious in her response. “Missouri.”
Unsure if they would get much more out of her, Cameron decided to reroute their discussion. “The Fourth of July celebration is soon in coming. Is everybody ready with their goods for the contests?”
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