“Tell me,” she says.
I want to. I will. Maybe it’s time. If Paige felt even ten percent of what I feel for her, it would make me a happy man.
And then the doorbell rings.
Garrett.
“You better get that,” I say, taking it as a sign that Paige doesn’t need to hear what a monumental failure I’ve been in my life.
She doesn’t get up right away and is still looking at me when she slowly extricates her feet from my grasp. “You can tell Garrett too,” she says assuredly, sliding off the couch and walking across the living room.
“No,” I whisper and shake my head.
PAIGE
I don’t hear about Evan’s wishes to go back into the past and change his life that night. After Garrett arrives, Evan stiffens.
“How was babysitting?” I ask Garrett.
He takes off his coat, and Evan scoots over to the end of the couch so that I’m eventually sandwiched between them.
“I feel bad for leaving Beth there,” Garrett confesses, “but that kid was driving me nuts. Besides, I could tell Mrs. Parks didn’t want me around—she kept poking her head out and checking on us to make sure we weren’t kissing I guess, and I figured she wouldn’t get any painting done if I stayed.” Then he looks at me and smiles. “It’s good to see you without a bunch of people around by the way.” And like an afterthought, he leans forward and says, “You too, Evan.”
I try to recapture the ease with which the three of us used to hang out together, but the tension I noticed after the game between Evan and Garrett seems to hang over us in the most subtle of ways. Just a few hours ago, Evan was congratulating Garrett for a great game, and now he seems politely disinterested in anything he has to say.
Perhaps Evan is just so caught up in whatever it was he wanted to get off his chest that he isn’t able to relax around the both of us.
“Is there something you wanted to tell us?” I finally ask him after I’ve cooked two pizzas and set them down on the coffee table.
“I don’t know what,” he says, giving me a look.
Garrett is already grabbing a slice, seeming less concerned about our exchange than the Netflix movie he’s becoming engrossed in.
“Are you sure?” I say. I want him to be able to come to us, not just to me, but to Garrett too.
This time he gives me an especially harsh look. “I’m sure,” he says.
I let it go and try to relax, eating popcorn and pizza. Halfway through the movie, I put my hand on his, and he smiles at me before his attention drifts off again.
At some point, I fall asleep. When I wake up, I’m resting my head on Garrett’s shoulder. He’s softly snoring while another movie plays on the TV across the room.
I don’t need to turn away from Garrett to see that Evan is gone. I can already feel his absence.
CHAPTER FIVE
PAIGE
March
“I think we need to discuss prom.” Evan is sitting on the plush blue couch at Pamela’s, the coffee shop in downtown Basin Lake I’ve been working at since I was sixteen.
I look over at Garrett who’s stretched out on the chair next to the couch. He’s in the middle of eating a donut and looks like he’s been caught doing something illegal.
“I’m not sure I’m even going,” I say, perched at the very edge of the couch, trying not to get too comfortable while I’m at work. I’ve broken up with Mike, sooner than expected. It was inevitable, but it’s put me in a sort of somber mood.
Evan is midway through a gulp of coffee and nearly chokes on it. “For real?” he says after evading a coughing spree. “Lexi will murder me slowly in my sleep if I don’t go to this thing, and I can’t imagine going without you there.”
“I don’t think Lexi will murder you,” Garrett says with a slight roll of his eyes. He then flashes a knowing glance my way, one that reminds me Garrett and I currently share a secret Evan isn’t privy to.
“You’ve met Lexi, right? She’ll cut my balls off if I miss this.”
“I can’t even believe you’re still with her,” I say, “and good luck telling her you refuse to go when I don’t show up.” I’m watching the clock for the end of my fifteen-minute break. I could easily list all the reasons Evan and Lexi should be the next to call it quits, but I’ve given up offering him relationship advice since he clammed up on me that night in November.
Garrett, on the other hand, has taken up the slack and opened up to me about things I’d rather not know, like the aforementioned secret he’s sworn me to keep. It’s not like I’d relish telling Beth that Garrett has confided to me their relationship is beyond shaky and might not even last the rest of the school year. But when she’s especially down in the dumps and asking me if Garrett has mentioned anything about her, I really don’t like having to lie and feign ignorance.
“To be fair, there wasn’t much of a future for you and Mike,” Evan says to me.
Garrett looks uncomfortable all of a sudden and then cautiously says, “Well, he completely lied to her about being gay.”
Evan throws Garrett an irritated look and says, “Him lying has nothing to do with what I’m talking about.”
“Then why’d you even bring him up?” Garrett says.
“God, why does it even matter?” I say, a little tired of rehashing Mike’s sexuality, even if it’s to make a point.
“I’m just saying it had to happen… you guys had to break up,” Evan says.
“You really think breaking up with Mike was a cakewalk?”
I think I’ve known for a while Mike might have been gay, even before he finally confided in me, telling me I was owed the truth. It explained plenty, but for as much as I’d prepared myself for us to be over with, it still hurt. It wasn’t so much about losing Mike as a boyfriend but as a friend. And once the pretence of our romantic relationship ended, we drifted.
Evan lifts his baseball cap, scratches at his thick, dark hair, and then replaces it. “Sorry, Paige,” he says, “but you just don’t understand. Lexi is a force to be reckoned with.”
“Whatever, Evan. Just because Lexi happens to be straight doesn’t mean there aren’t a million other reasons you could break up with her, but you know what?—I’m officially done saying anything about you and her.” I could go blue in the face trying to convince him he’d be happier without Lexi’s drama, but it won’t change a thing. Plus, I’m still making applications for grants and scholarships and loans and saving every penny I make at Pamela’s, so besides being there for Garrett and Mike, if needed, I’m glad to focus on my own stuff and stay out of Evan’s business.
“It’s probably for the best,” he says with a sigh. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t come to prom with us.”
Garrett looks at me but remains silent.
“Yeah, well, it wouldn’t be fun going solo.”
Evan gives a half laugh and shakes his head. “So, you go with Mike… just as friends.”
“Maybe she doesn’t want to go with Mike,” Garrett offers.
“He’d totally go with you,” Evan says, ignoring his friend and focusing on his onward push to get me to attend.
“No, I don’t think so,” I say. “We’ve moved on, and if he really wants to go to prom, he’s got his new gang of junior girl groupies who hang on his every word.”
“Jesus, he’s being a dick,” Evan says. “Doesn’t he owe you prom?”
Garrett flashes me a knowing look again, one that reminds me of how much he and I have been hanging out as of late and talking. He’s not sure he and Beth will still be together by prom, and if that’s the case, we’ve already decided the two of us will have our own anti-prom, the exact nature of which we have yet to decide on.
“He doesn’t owe me anything,” I say. “And I don’t really owe it to you to go either.”
“Wow, way to slide the knife in there, Paige,” Evan says like I’ve just wounded him irrevocably. He gets this look about him like he’s genuinely hurt and not just trying to get me
to change my mind. For a moment, I see that boy who was so ready to divulge his secrets to me in November, secrets that might have brought us closer.
I sigh.
“I’ll go…”
Garrett’s eyes widen. “But I thought—” He stops himself and shakes his head.
“Thought what?” Evan looks at us as though we’ve been plotting a conspiracy.
Garrett is at a loss for words. If he tells Evan we were planning an anti-prom, he’d have to also tell him about the problems he and Beth are having, which would lead Evan to tell Lexi and Lexi to tell Beth.
“He just thought I was going to be all independent and shrug off this stupid thing,” I say.
Evan sends an admonishing glare toward Garrett. “You’d regret not going,” he tells me. “Need I remind you you’ve already been chosen for the court, and when have you ever passed up the opportunity to look hot in a dress?”
“Maybe she just wants to take a break from looking… hot.” Garrett shakes his head and attempts to shield his now reddened face with a coffee cup.
“No girl who looks like Paige should miss prom,” Evan says to Garrett before shrugging and looking at me. “Sorry for being so honest, but you’d be doing a disservice to the young men of Basin Lake High by not showing up.”
I bury my face in my hands for a moment, feeling the flush of warmth creep all over my skin and not wanting either of them to see that they’ve embarrassed me. After composing myself with a couple of deep breaths, I lift my head up. “So, which young man am I supposed to ask to accompany me?”
Garrett quickly sets his mug of coffee down and Evan straightens up. “You just tag along with us,” Evan says.
“With you and Lexi?” I can’t help but laugh.
“Or with me… and, uh, Beth.” I read between the lines of Garrett’s offer and imagine he figures he’ll be solo by then, which makes me feel horrible for Beth.
“How about we just play it by ear?” I say. “I’m sure someone on the men’s track team will take pity on me last minute if I need them to.”
“Excellent,” Evan says, “but I’m sure I can get a guy for you, you know, someone who won’t try to shamelessly hit on you.”
“Maybe I want to be hit on,” I say to Evan, but really I don’t. Now that I’m this close to college, I’m not about to start something up with a high school boy.
“Nah, we have to protect you,” Evan says. “Right, Garrett?”
“Sure… I guess.” It’s easy to tell Garrett is getting annoyed, but I’m not sure if it’s by Evan or me. “Paige, just go with me… and, well, you know… Beth? She won’t mind having you with us, and I know you don’t get along with Lexi, so…”
“Thank you, Garrett,” I say, putting my hand on his.
“You guys need a room? Or should I just go?” Evan stands up and digs a ten-dollar bill out of his wallet and throws it on the table. “For the coffee.”
“Evan…” I’m about to ask him what’s gotten him so riled up so fast, but I doubt he’d tell me the truth.
“You leaving man?” Garrett says without much inflection in his voice.
“I’ve got to help Hanson move some furniture,” he says.
“Okay,” I say, standing up and giving him a quick hug, which he totally seems to recoil from, barely making eye contact with me.
“See you man,” Garrett says as Evan turns and leaves, off to work at the small furniture store a few doors down. It’s a job Evan doesn’t need but one I think he has just to prove he’s not some trust fund kid in a town full of blue-collar workers.
Evan waves with his back to us, and then he’s out the door.
“Has he said anything to you?” I ask Garrett, even if I doubt that Evan has bared any more of his soul to him than he has to me in these past months.
“About what?”
“About that.” I tilt my head toward the door, the one Evan just barged out of.
Garrett shrugs. “Could be a lot of things.” He then proceeds to stuff the rest of his donut in his mouth.
EVAN
I wasn’t scheduled to work for Hanson this afternoon, but I needed a reason to get out of Pamela’s before I punched something. Hanson was actually glad to see me when I walked into the showroom downtown.
“Half the stock room in the back is full of things we need to get into the delivery truck,” he says, sounding frazzled. “If you hadn’t just walked in, I was about to call you!”
“Good timing then,” I say, thankfully able to get right to work.
Moving stuff, really heavy stuff, around helps me work off my anger. Does Garrett think I don’t know what’s going on with him and Beth? The way he was looking at Paige, it was like there was some covert, secret operation going on between them, one that I wasn’t part of. Maybe Garrett thinks I’m a fucking idiot, but I can see what’s in front of me. He’s been pushing Beth away and getting closer to Paige. To what end, I’m not sure because he knows my feelings for Paige. In fact, he’s the only person in the known universe who is privy to the fact that I’ve been desperate to be more than just a friend to Paige Kessel for years.
On more than one occasion, he’d said, “She doesn’t feel the same, man,” or “tough luck,” then patted me on the back like he was sorry to deliver this news.
“Besides, you’ve got to think about Lexi,” he’d most recently told me when I’d wondered aloud if I should just tell Paige that I loved her before I went off to North Carolina.
“Yeah, but what do I have to lose?” I’d countered. “Lexi isn’t going to North Carolina with me.”
He’d shrugged then. “I don’t know. Paige has enough to deal with without you complicating her life, man.”
Maybe he’d been right. Paige has enough on her plate. I know she’s been stressed about college while trying to keep up her grades and extracurricular activities. And then there was the whole Mike thing. I know she didn’t love him—she’d told me as much—but it still had to hurt, and maybe I’ve been insensitive to that. The last thing she needs is for me to act like a love-sick little kid and make her deal with my feelings for her.
I load a dresser into the truck that must weigh three hundred pounds. The exertion is just what I need though. Whatever synapses are firing off in my brain lessen my aggravation and make me more prone to see reason. Not that I don’t remain suspicious of Garrett’s intentions with Paige, but he’d been right about Lexi—she does need me. And while I’ve been working my ass off to convince her she can find her own strength without constantly sapping mine, my efforts, to date, have been unsuccessful. But there’s a limit to what I can offer her, an eventual end to the constant brow beating I’m willing to endure to make up for what I’ve done to her, and that time is fast approaching.
“You’re making quick work of it!” Hanson pops out the back door holding his trusty clipboard just as I’m finishing up with the heaviest stuff.
“Good exercise,” I say, hopping off the ramp on the back of the truck. “Shouldn’t take me more than half an hour to get the rest.”
“All right then, I’ll leave you to it. I don’t want to disrupt the groove you’ve got going,” he says with a laugh, turning and disappearing back into the building.
And I’m thankful for the returned quiet. In it I convince myself that Garrett is just being a good friend to Paige, and maybe to me too. He’s trying to keep me from making a mistake with her. And in this moment, it makes perfect sense that I should wait until the school year has wound down, when Paige can finally breathe a sigh of relief and not be overwhelmed when I finally man up and tell her what I feel for her.
Because I will, eventually.
CHAPTER SIX
PAIGE
Pre-Prom — June
Since my breakup with Mike, I’d received a total of five offers to be my date to prom, all of which I politely declined. I’d wanted to remain free in case Garrett needed someone, and even if he and Beth stuck it out, I felt okay with going on my own. But they hadn’t, and with
Beth’s blessing, I’d agreed to go with Garrett, as friends only of course.
Prom planning had taken a backseat to securing all of my finances for school in the fall. And thankfully, all the late nights typing up applications for scholarships paid off. I’m officially going to Washington State University where I’ll join Garrett, though I’m not sure how much I’ll see of him considering all of the demands of his college football program. But it will still be nice knowing he’s close. And even though Evan has offered to always be there for me, phone calls, texts and video chats just aren’t the same. I’m going to miss him fiercely.
But one thing I won’t miss about Evan is his odd behavior. He’d been so insistent on me going to prom on that late day in March, and he was absolutely right that I’d have regretted not going. But now he’s been encouraging me to have a “heart-to-heart” with Garrett and get him to reconsider going with Beth, which would just leave me on my own.
“Maybe you should just go solo to this thing like you planned,” he said to me after one of my track meets. “I mean, Lexi won’t mind if you’re our third.” And then he looked at me with a cockeyed grin and a flirty smile.
“Maybe I just shouldn’t go at all,” I’d countered. “Because I certainly won’t be a third wheel to your girlfriend.”
“Nope… you have to go. It’s just I’m thinking maybe Beth deserves a second chance with our boy, and I agree, you’re way too beautiful to be anyone’s third wheel, but you’d be more like a guest of honor.”
“I’m done interfering in the love lives of my two best friends,” I’d told him, ignoring his odd compliment. “Unless this is about something else?”
I’d waited, wanting a serious answer. Would he finally tell me there was something to that near kiss all those months ago?
“No, nothing else,” he’d said in a way that told me he wasn’t being very truthful. But that was the last I’d heard of it.
Most days, I try not to think about the fact I have no clue what’s really going on with Evan, and it’s a little easier today because prom is finally here and I have plenty of other things to focus on. Mom had taken me to Spokane to find a prom dress, and it’s all sorts of gorgeous. It’s strapless and white and long and shimmery, reminding me of a bridal gown as I do a twirl in front of the mirror. When I stop twirling, I think about Dad and the fact that when I do actually get married, he won’t be there to see it happen. Or maybe he will, from somewhere up above, somewhere I can’t see him.
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