“It will be okay,” he says.
“No, I don’t think so.” I can imagine the clasp loosening and having it sink to the bottom of the lake, never to be seen again. “I’ll just be a minute.” I pull away from him and head to the shore.
“Everything okay?” Evan and Lexi had just gone in, but he turns from her and makes his way over to me.
“I just have to take this necklace off.” My heart is beating faster the closer he gets, nothing covering him except for his wet boxer briefs that outline certain parts of him perfectly.
“I’m freezing!” Lexi calls out after him. “Come back in and warm me up.”
He rolls his eyes that are still somewhat heavy from the alcohol. “You need me to help? I could unclasp it for you.”
“No,” I say, aware that both Garrett and Lexi are watching us. “Go back in. I’ll be fine.”
Before he turns toward Lexi, he lightly brushes my right flank with his hand, deliberately I think. It gives me goose bumps that don’t go away as I run up the shore and take the necklace off and carefully place it in the folds of my dress.
I eye Evan as I wade back in, feeling an invisible thread between us but feeling powerless to tug him closer with it.
He’s with Lexi, and that is that.
Once I’m back in the water, I take a deep breath and let it out. This night is supposed to be about fun, not senseless longing, and I decide to do something about it. I paddle slowly over to Garrett, and when I think he least expects it, I splash him with as much water as I my hand can hurdle toward him.
“Oh, now you’ve done it!” he calls out, swims toward me, disappears under the water, and then before I know it, I’m on his shoulders and being lifted into the night air.
“Let me down!” I cry out, taking note of how good it feels to really laugh.
“If you say so!” Next thing I know, Garrett is tossing me off his shoulders and into the water. When I break the surface, I can see how contagious our play is because Lexi is laughing like she doesn’t have a stick up her ass. And I see Evan smiling too, and I’m glad he might be something more than Lexi’s indentured servant tonight.
“You still sure you don’t want to come back to this?” Garrett asks me while we tread water, our heads just above the surface. “I don’t think there’s a lake in Seattle where you could find this much peace.”
Evan is dunking Lexi, and she’s actually letting him.
“That’s still a long way off,” I say. It is difficult to imagine a place in Seattle that would be as private and quiet as this one.
“So you might not go?”
“I don’t know, Garrett. Besides, I really doubt you’re coming back here. I told you you’re going pro and will make us all deliriously jealous.”
“Going pro isn’t the only thing I think about, Paige.”
“Incoming!” Evan swims over and grabs for my hips. Lexi is swimming after him in a rage.
“Keep her away from me,” I say, twisting around so that Evan’s back in front of me.
“What’s her deal?” Garrett asks just as Lexi floats in and starts punching Evan.
“That’s for giving me a wedgie, you prick!”
Evan starts laughing hysterically, and I find it impossible not to join in. Of course this makes Lexi furious, and we’re back to the same dynamic we were earlier. She’s pissed and Evan has to go and comfort her. The poor guy can’t have any fun.
“You ready to head to shore?” Garrett says while Evan follows Lexi like a trained dog.
“Sure,” I say, the magic of the evening now having been squashed.
“I’ve been thinking,” Garrett says after we’ve been drying off for a while, sitting right next to one another, our legs spread out toward the water.
“About what?” I’ve been watching Evan, trying to hear what he and Lexi are fighting about now. If I could rescue him, I would, but I promised I was done interfering.
“Paige, can you look at me?”
“Hmm? Oh, sorry.” I turn to him and offer my full attention. “It’s like a train wreck,” I say, directing my thumb in Lexi’s direction.
“Yeah, it is, but this has nothing to do with them.” He looks awfully serious, and I’m afraid of what might be coming.
“Oh?”
“I love you, Paige,” he says like we’re the only two people out here.
I love you.
Just like that, he said it.
I laugh, not meaning to. It’s more of a nervous chuckle. I’m not sure what else to do. “I love you too, Garrett,” I say, realizing he requires a verbal response from me. “You know that.” There’s an off chance he’s not talking about romantic love—I know that I’m not.
“No.” He puts his fingers under my chin and lifts my face toward his. “I’m in love with you, Paige. As in, I want to be with you.”
“Oh… Garrett…”
He pulls his hand away from my face. “You don’t feel the same way, do you?”
I touch his arm, softly. “It’s not that. It’s just…”
Shit, it’s just what? Do I even know? I think I should. But what I do know is that my feelings are all twisted up inside of me. I’ve known something more than friendship was developing between Garrett and I since we’d become single and had started hanging out more, but I’d done my best to ignore it. I didn’t want things to get complicated and to end up losing or hurting one of the handsomest, sweetest guys I could ever imagine being a part of my life. I’m sure Kate would have something to say about me not jumping into Garrett’s arms and telling him I’m in love with him back, but my little sister can’t possibly understand that I’ve been waiting for someone else to tell me they’re in love with me.
I’ve been waiting for Evan.
Garrett shakes his head and sighs. “I feel like an idiot.”
“Garrett… no.” I’m gripping onto his arm now. “I mean, this isn’t a total surprise. We’ve been hanging out together a lot lately.”
He nods. “And you aren’t a rebound for Beth… if that’s what you’re thinking,” hope in his eyes. “Actually, part of why I broke up with her is because of my feelings for you.”
No matter how conflicted I am, my heart can’t help but to melt. “You’re so sweet,” I say. Evan and Lexi are a good twenty feet away from us in the shallows, his muscular frame leaning toward her more petite one, probably trying to calm her again. I suppose it will always be that way, Evan comforting a very undeserving Lexi, even if it’s from thousands of miles away. I lean my head on Garrett’s shoulder. “Just give me some time to think about it, okay?”
“Okay,” he replies softly.
It can’t be what he wants to hear, to “give me time.” It’s almost like telling a guy no after he’s gotten down on one knee and proposed. But Garrett is understanding, protective, and kind, and I don’t believe he’ll hold this uncertainty against me, at least not yet.
As I rest my body against his, I know he’d be the perfect boyfriend, husband and father, and yet I find it difficult, if not impossible, to take my eyes away from Evan.
CHAPTER EIGHT
PAIGE
The Day After Prom — June
Grandma loves the photos from the prom, including a bunch Mike had kindly sent to me, ones he’d taken while Garrett and I’d been crowned and of our first dance.
“You all look so happy,” she says. “And your king is so handsome.”
I wish Grandma had been able to come downstairs yesterday to see him in person, but at least I’m able to show her photographic evidence on my phone that our prom was indeed eventful. I don’t mention to her that Garrett told me he was in love with me. I haven’t told anyone, not my mom or my sisters and definitely not Evan.
After he and Lexi air dried off last night and we’d all gotten dressed, we’d piled back into the car and headed to DeNero’s where Garrett’s truck was parked. Evan was sober enough to drive, but he didn’t say much before he and Lexi drove away.
On the ride back t
o my house, Garrett held my hand, while all I could focus on was this sort of emptiness I felt at Evan disappearing so quickly into the night.
It should have been him sitting next to me.
Garrett helped me out of his truck, and the kiss he gave me on the lips wasn’t unexpected. It was a nice kiss, maybe even a great kiss, but I wasn’t able to put my all into it. Not just then.
I stayed up half the night thinking about it, trying to imagine myself dating Garrett. After going through the pictures with Grandma, reminding myself that we look good together, I can at least visualize the possibility.
I shut Grandma’s door and head back into my room and start to pack. I won’t be moving into my small dorm room for a few months, but I figure I can start to box up the boots and sweaters I’ll need once winter rolls around.
I open up my laptop and start listening to a random playlist on YouTube. It’s mostly dance music, stuff that Garrett hates. And unlike Mike, I don’t think he really appreciates my style, even the toned down version. Other than a few bright tops and sweaters that totally remind me of the ‘80s, I’m really going for that classic look Mike mentioned at prom. But then I’m not sure I’m totally into Garrett’s style either, which consists mostly of short-sleeved plaid shirts, jeans and work boots he wears even in the summer. But it still makes me smile because, even though our styles clash, he still loves me, is in love with me, and that’s a pretty big deal.
Before I can get to all levels of giddiness and convince myself that Garrett could be my soul mate, I think of Evan. He actually likes my music and most of my wardrobe and isn’t afraid to wear pink shirts or flip-flops in the summer. He likes his car and soccer more than he does football, and he’s been to every single one of my track meets. He’s funny and a little off kilter and full of surprises, and I think back to his hands on my cheeks at the football game in November. They were so cold, but I didn’t care—I just loved the fact that he was touching me, even if I’d been the one to pull his hands away.
I’m still wearing the necklace Mom let me borrow last night, glad I didn’t risk losing it in the depths of Basin Lake. As I gently unlatch it, I think of the love my parents shared and how they apparently just knew they were right for each other. I’d known for a very long time that Mike wasn’t it, but I never really let myself believe it could be either Garrett or Evan, not after all the near misses with Evan at least. I just pictured some faceless guy in my future who would embody many of my best friends’ traits, someone who would care for me the way that they did.
But it’s becoming more apparent to me that that man in the future doesn’t exist because he’s been right in front of me for the last eight years. And while my gut tells me it’s Evan, he’s not the one professing his love to me. He’s not the one who broke up with his girlfriend for me or put his feelings on the line. Garrett did, and Garrett makes sense. We’re going to the same school, and neither of us are gluttons for drama, and who needs sparks and explosions when you have a real shot at longevity?
This back and forth in my head has been exhausting, and it’s times like this I wish I had the ability to just shut everything out, close my eyes, fall asleep and recharge. I’m actually considering giving it a shot when my phone rings. I think it might be Garrett, and I hope I’ll be able to tell him what he wants to hear.
“Hey,” I answer, barely even glancing at the screen of my phone.
“Oh, hi there. Is this Paige Kessel?” It’s a woman’s voice, one that I don’t recognize.
“Yeah… I mean, yes, this is her,” I say, sitting at the edge of my bed and clearing my throat.
“Okay, good. Well, my name is Nancy Perez and I’m calling from The Young Women’s Association of America. We’re the organization that awarded you a scholarship.”
“Oh, that’s right. Thank you so much. I—”
“Miss Kessel, I don’t want to beat around the bush. I’m calling you because I’m afraid there’s been a terrible mix-up. You see, our organization awarded double the scholarships that we are funded for, which is of course a terrible oversight on our part, and I’ve very unfortunately been tasked with having to withdraw those that were incorrectly promised.”
“Okay.” I’m so caught off guard that I’m not a hundred percent sure what she’s actually telling me.
“I know it’s not good news, but we hope that by letting you know as early as possible that you’ll be able to find funding elsewhere. We’ve already notified your college, but we felt it appropriate to make these calls ourselves.”
My heart drops as I register what she’s saying, and my phone nearly slips out of my hands before I catch it. “Do you mean… umm… do you mean I won’t get that scholarship?” I go through my mind and try to internally reword what she’s telling me because this can’t be the scholarship for which I’d written three essays, submitted my grades and extracurriculars for the last three years, as well as provided four written references from teachers and another two from my peers. It certainly couldn’t be the one for twenty thousand dollars, the one that ensured my placement at WSU.
She pauses. “Yes, Ms. Kessel. I’m very sorry. I believe the scholarship was for…” I hear papers rattling. “Oh, dear… it was for twenty thousand dollars. I really am sorry.”
“I could take half of it,” I say, jumping right into survival mode, trying to do the math in my head but knowing losing that much toward my tuition would likely torpedo my chance of going to WSU.
“We discussed that,” she says matter-of-factly, “but it wouldn’t be fair. We have to at least honor the students who were first in line. You’ll be receiving a letter in the mail as well, Ms. Kessel. I really do wish you luck, and I’m quite sorry.”
“But—”
She hangs up on me before I have a chance to plead my case, and I’m left sitting on my bed, stunned.
Mom had taken the girls to Spokane to see a movie, so I couldn’t very well run crying to her, and I didn’t want to call her and ruin her day with my sisters. I could have knocked on Grandma’s door, but I didn’t want to spoil the beautiful pictures I’d just shared with her by telling her I might not be going to college.
So, I basically sit on my bed for the next hour quietly crying, feeling like my entire life is fucked.
When the phone rings again, I want to throw it against the wall. But when I see that it’s Garrett, I answer.
“Hey,” I say.
“Hey, Paige. You sound funny. You okay?”
“Not totally.”
“Oh, well… do you want to tell me about it?”
I don’t really feel like unloading on Garrett. It’s a Sunday, and he’s probably been to church and is now helping his dad around the farm, so he’s likely been up since sunrise.
“Not really,” I say. “I just kind of have to work it out on my own.”
Silence.
“Is it about us?”
“Not everything has to be about you and I,” I snap, immediately sorry for the words and how I delivered them.
“Yeah, but, I didn’t say it was.” He sounds so sweet, like he really wants to help me, but I’m in such a bad mood that I don’t want to risk saying anything that might hurt him more.
“Can I call you later?” I do my best to sound cordial, knowing I’ll be in a much better mood once I’ve had time to figure things out.
“Yeah, you can do that. I just wanted to see how you were feeling about last night, but no worries. I don’t want to pressure you.”
I really should convey to him that it’s not his fault I’m being a bitch and that everything will be fine after a few hours of careful planning, but all I say is, “Thanks for understanding, Garrett,” and literally hang the phone up as soon as he says goodbye.
Unable to sit still, I hop off the bed and pull my hair into a ponytail. I feel like shit for the way I just talked to him, but I feel even worse knowing that my entire college future is in jeopardy. I rush downstairs and grab all my college paperwork out of the bottom hutch drawer in
our small dining room and pour over the numbers. I grab a calculator and try to figure out how much I can make this summer at Pamela’s and any other part-time job I could get, even if it meant babysitting Mrs. Parks’ horrible little spawn.
I work through the calculations three times before conceding that the most I could realistically make would be a few thousand dollars. And that would still leave me without an emergency fund or any spending money until I could get a part-time job in Pullman.
At the moment, it’s hopeless, and my face is buried in my hands when I hear a car drive up. I can tell from the sound it’s not Mom’s diesel Volvo wagon or Garrett’s old Chevy pickup truck. It’s the somewhat quiet hum of Evan’s gray BMW sedan.
“Shit.” I look out the window. I could pretend I’m not here, afraid I’ll be just as short with him as I was to Garrett on the phone, but before I can duck out of the way, Evan sees me and puts his hand up in recognition. He’s not exactly smiling either.
EVAN
The time Paige and I get to spend together before we go off to school is dwindling, and I don’t like the idea that perhaps one of her last memories of me will be me getting wasted before prom.
“What’s up?” she says, waiting for me with the front door to her house wide open. She looks pissed, and I hate to think it’s because of me.
“You’re in a bad mood,” I say after following her into the house. I stuff my hands in my cargo short pockets, and she stares at my chest for a few ticks. It makes me wonder if I should have worn something nicer than flip-flops and a white T-shirt as I make my apology.
“Yeah, whatever,” she says. “You want some water or something?”
She’s moving toward the kitchen, and, without even thinking, I reach for her, catching hold of her waist and pulling her back to me. “What’s got your panties in a bunch, Paige Kessel?” I ask.
She looks taken aback but doesn’t pull away, and I’m grateful. She returns my gaze with her beautiful blue eyes before she clears her throat and steps away from me.
“Nothing’s wrong,” she says, crossing her arms over her chest, “except my biggest scholarship just got pulled—I’m fucked.”
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