“But Garrett…” I sigh. Whenever I think about leaving him, I feel so guilty. He’s worn his heart on his sleeve since he told me he was in love with me, and it tears me up to know I’ll be hurting him.
“You need to go see that boy,” Mom says. “You need to spend every last minute with Garrett, and maybe you’ll realize that what you have with him wasn’t going to last anyway. And by the way, did you ever get that direct answer you were looking for from Evan?”
She looks at me with suspicion before I can even answer.
“Not really,” I say, her suspicion totally warranted because I don’t answer in truth. It’s slightly obvious to me that Mom has always had a preference for Evan. She’s always liked his sense of humor and spontaneity, and it doesn’t hurt that he and his estranged father are helping me with college. I think he reminds her of my dad too, right down to the dark hair. And for all her platitudes about ulterior motives and the only possible one being that he might love me, I’ve still failed to tell her that Evan confessed to me he’s jealous Garrett asked me out before he could.
With the full story, would Mom be as gung ho as she is now in letting me go to North Carolina? Would she send me off suspecting that Evan might actually be planning to edge me away from his best friend?
“Well, maybe in due time he’ll talk,” she says. “In the meantime, go see Garrett and maybe you’ll figure out that you’re better off just as friends.”
If I’d thought for a moment Mom would stop me from going to North Carolina, I realize I’m wrong. She’s so obviously Team Evan when I’d thought she’d be team whoever made me happy, and I’m pretty sure that when it comes to Garrett, she’s telling me to make a clean break, to get him out of my system and part as friends.
I just don’t know if I can do that—I just don’t know if I have the heart to hurt Garrett. Mom would probably remind me that someone always gets hurt, even if that person ends up being me.
I take Mom’s advice and spend the majority of my last two weeks in Basin Lake with Garrett. He teaches me how to ride a tractor and drive a stick shift. We go swimming at the lake and for long walks along the periphery of his family’s farm. I help his mom and Skyler, his older sister I haven’t seen in forever, make dinner one night while Garrett, his dad and Skyler’s husband, Matt, try their luck at baking a cake. I sit in a lawn chair and watch him work on his truck’s engine with his shirt off and grease staining his skin. These are all things we could have done as friends, and it’s only at the times that we are truly alone, either in his truck or at the lake at night, that we can explore the feelings that would make us more than that.
I like kissing Garrett and touching his bare skin, and I don’t push him away when he holds me against him, close enough so that I can hear his heart beating and the even sounds of his breath. But when buttons are loosened and zippers pulled down, I stop him. I’m not ready to give up on us, but as long as Evan remains a fixture in my head, I can’t have sex with Garrett. And this upsets him—I know it does. He wants me to love him as fully as he tells me he loves me. I wish I could just give him everything of myself, lose my virginity to him and stay in Basin Lake or at least find a way to fight harder to somehow be able to go to WSU without burying myself in debt. But I also know that if I give him those things while I’m still drawn to Evan, they won’t be real.
Two weeks go by fast. It’s our last night together, his arm around me as we sit on a blanket in the back of his parked truck. The sky above is starry, and the inky black lake stretches out beyond us.
“I won’t be able to see you off tomorrow,” he says. “Dad needs me at the farm. I’m really sorry.”
“Oh.” It hurts to hear that more than I would have imagined. “Well, so tonight is it, huh?”
“Yeah, it kind of sucks.”
It does. I knew this day would come, and I’m disappointed that I still don’t have my answer. Spending all of this time with Garrett hasn’t lessened what I’m feeling for Evan, nor has it made me want to completely dismiss Garrett.
“I’d stay longer if I could,” I say, setting my hand on his thigh.
“You have to go.” He puts his right hand over mine. “I get it.”
We sit in silence for a while, but I doubt the thoughts going around in his head are any less active than mine.
“You afraid to fly?” he says after a while.
“A little,” I confess. “First time.”
“I hear it’s the safest form of transportation.” He chuckles a little.
“So they say.”
More silence.
“Hey, have you talked to Evan?” I’ve only broached the subject of their strained relationship one other time in the past two weeks.
He makes a dismissive sound. “Not really.”
I touch his arm, big and muscular. “I wish you would. Please stop blaming him for taking me away from you, Garrett. I want to go to college—I mean, this is a dream come true.”
“Yeah, I know.” He’s practically speaking through clenched teeth.
“So then call him. Meet up with him. Just make up before we get on that plane tomorrow, okay?”
He shakes his head. “I’m not stupid, Paige. Evan may really want to help you, but he’s helping himself more. He can’t stand that you and I are together.”
I don’t believe that. Evan admitted to being jealous, sure, but I have to believe he’s man enough to accept things as they are, and I really can’t believe that him getting me a full ride at college is only about keeping me for himself.
“If I thought Evan was going to try something with me, I wouldn’t go.”
“You sure about that?” Garrett’s frustration is coming out.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” I say, “and maybe… maybe we should break up?” My heart is beating like it’s being controlled by a heavy metal drummer, and I’m not even sure if I really mean what I just said. I just know I have to make the offer.
Garrett’s mouth slacks open, and he’s about to say something but doesn’t. He shakes his head. “Is that what you want?”
I swallow hard. “I don’t know. But is it fair to make you wait for me?”
“You want to be with Evan? Is that it?” He’s looking at me like I have his life in my hands.
“That’s not it… I just… I don’t want you to wait for me and worry and feel like you can’t live your life because I’m so far away.”
His face crumples and I feel so sorry for saying what I have, wishing I could take it all back if it would make my friend smile again.
“Say something.” I touch his shoulder and then drag my hand down his back before finally grabbing onto his arm, afraid to let go.
“I love you,” he says. “And I’m willing to wait for you, but it sounds like you don’t.”
I don’t know what the fuck I want or where my heart and mind is going to be a year from now, but I do know that I can’t hurt Garrett. There has to be a reason he’s holding on to me. His love must really be that strong, and I just can’t give up on it, not yet.
“I’ll wait,” I say with determination in my voice. “If you will, then I will too.”
“Really?” He looks like I’ve just saved him from dangling off a cliff.
“Really,” I say.
He turns to smile at me and draws his hand through my hair. When he drops me off at home, he kisses me and hugs me and tells me he loves me. I tell him all of the same things back. And then he’s gone, the taillights of his old truck slowly disappearing into the night.
CHAPTER TWELVE
EVAN
North Carolina — July
The middle of summer humidity hits us first. As soon as Paige and I disembark the plane, the stiff, heavy, claustrophobic air in Charlotte makes me miss the dryness of our high desert home.
“You’ll get used to it,” I tell Paige who looks horrified at the change in weather. I attempt to sound convincing, but I’ve only been here twice in the last six years, and I’m not all that certain I ev
er got used to it.
After making our way to baggage claim, I grab my luggage and most of hers too. She tries to take more, but I don’t want to weigh her down and tell her to focus on her carry-on as we make our way out to arrivals to wait for my dad.
“Are you nervous?” she asks while I kick at the pavement and point stupid shit out at the airport, like how many levels there are on the parking garage, to take my mind off seeing my dad for the first time in three years.
Yeah, I guess I’d say I’m nervous, but I just shrug and say, “A little.”
“Well, I’m nervous,” Paige says. “I don’t remember much about your dad.”
“It’ll be okay.” I make an effort to smile, to reassure her. The last thing I want is for her to feel anything but joy about what it means to be here.
Ten minutes after texting my dad, he arrives in a shiny, new black SUV. People say I look like a younger version of him, and I can see it, even if I don’t want to. Dad nods at me and says a simple “hello” before helping Paige and I stash our luggage in the back. There are no hugs or pats on the back or words of being missed. Not that I expected any of that. I open the back door for Paige and then slide alongside her. Then Dad drives away from the curb like he’s our Uber driver and not my father.
“You guys hungry?” Dad asks after we’ve been rolling along the highway for a few minutes.
I look at Paige who I’m beyond grateful to have sitting next to me.
She nods.
“Yes, sir,” I reply. I started calling him that the last time I was out to visit to get under his skin and be a smart ass, but he actually seemed to like it, and in a way I did too because I’m not sure he deserves to have me actually call him dad or father to his face.
“Very well. I’m taking you guys downtown where I work. We can catch up and get a decent meal in,” he says.
“Sounds good, sir,” I say, offering Paige another one of what I hope is a comforting smile.
She smiles back, but she looks sad, and I wonder if she thinks my relationship with Dad is as pathetic as I do.
After another twenty minutes of silence, we arrive at an upscale steakhouse at the edge of downtown. I point a veggie burger out to Paige on the menu, and thankfully Dad doesn’t make any embarrassing comment about why she’s not eating meat.
“I want to thank you so much for everything you’re doing for me,” Paige says just after we’ve gotten our drinks, strawberry lemonade for she and I and a whisky for dear old Dad. “If it weren’t for your help, it was going to be really hard to pay for college this year.”
Dad nods, shifts in his chair across from us, then takes a drink of his whisky. “It’s nothing, really,” he finally says like Paige is a panhandler thanking him for adding a dollar to her cup.
She looks at me, surprised, maybe even embarrassed, and I clench my teeth, unsure of what to say.
“It’s amazing you’re on the board at Well’s Creek,” she continues, determined I guess to get my dad to acknowledge her thank you. “And that you would stick your neck out for me. I know other people are in my same position, so it’s really amazing—”
“You don’t have to keep thanking me.” Dad cuts in like he just wants to sip his whisky in peace. “I’m on the board because of my position at the bank I work at. And Evan wanted you to have this opportunity, so it was easily within my power to grant that.”
“Oh, okay,” she says.
“She’s trying to be considerate,” I tell him. Fuck. Why does he have to be such an ass? “She doesn’t want to sound like she’s ungrateful, so could you not minimize what she’s saying please?”
And then Paige’s hand is on my thigh under the table, and I’m angling my head toward her with a grateful smile.
“Very well,” Dad says, and I drag my eyes back to him, hopeful he isn’t going to somehow ruin this for me and tell Paige things she doesn’t need to know. “You are most welcome, Paige, for the opportunity I’m providing you. If you need anything else, you’ll let me know, won’t you?”
“Of course. Yes,” Paige says sincerely.
I’m so proud of her, of the way she just stood up to my dad, and I take her hand, linking her fingers with mine. Her face flushes pink, and then she slowly extricates her hand and looks away.
The next few minutes are unbearably quiet and awkward. Paige tries to make small talk until our food arrives, but I keep thinking about her being so close and then doing stuff like pulling her hand away. Or I think about my dad, wishing I felt something at sitting across from him, some sort of bond a father and son should have that just isn’t there.
We eat in relative silence while Dad keeps pouring back whiskies. I’m hungry, but I can’t eat, and Paige is picking at her food as well. When the check finally comes, I’m relieved.
Walking back toward the parking garage Dad parked his SUV in, Paige links her arm into mine and offers me a friendly, supportive smile.
I’m not sure what to make of it. She pulled away at the restaurant, and now she’s close to me again. Not that I’m complaining, but it would be nice to have some consistency.
Once we get to the SUV, Dad hands me a set of keys and then points to a silver BMW sedan parked on the other side of the parking bay. He told me he’d bought me a car, but I wasn’t expecting luxury.
“That’s for you,” he says like it’s no big deal. “I’ll help you get your luggage moved. It’s already in your name and insured. I just expect you’ll be somewhat safe and not wreck it.”
“Thank you, sir.” I know I should be ecstatic over being given a car that likely cost over forty grand. But I’m just sort of numb to it because it’s being given as an obligation, not out of any love Dad might have for me.
Paige, on the other hand, looks like she can’t believe the car is actually mine, even as Dad helps move our luggage into the trunk. I smile at her before Dad offers his hand to Paige and me. We both shake it, and that’s it. He’s already in his SUV and backing out of his parking spot.
And I have no clue when I’ll see him again.
PAIGE
I’m still in a state of shock a good ten minutes into our drive in Evan’s new car on the interstate. He’s eased back into his seat with one hand on the wheel.
“Did all of that just happen?” I ask, the new car smell invading my nostrils. “I mean, not only did he give you a car, but he had it magically delivered to a parking garage.”
“Yeah,” Evan says. “My dad figures a new car is worth about three years of not talking to me.”
Not talking in three years?
“Did you know about this?”
He nods. “Yeah, but I didn’t think it would be a forty-thousand-dollar car. I kind of figured it might be a Subaru wagon or something.” Then he laughs, and I think it must be at the absurdity of it all. “Only the best from my dad.”
Pain cuts through his laughter, and I’m sure he would have preferred the Subaru wagon or no car at all if he could have had a genuine moment of affection from his father. And I realize too that the only reason Mr. Mattson pushed my scholarship through is because it must quell his guilt about not being there for his son. But what a poor substitute.
Evan and I are both tired from the flight, and I’m pretty sure Evan is inwardly pissed off about his interaction with his dad. He might even be a little confused about what level of physical touching is acceptable between us now that I’m with Garrett. I’ve got plenty of things swirling around my head as well. So, while it’s quite uncharacteristic for us, we don’t talk much.
I look out the passenger window, as it’s still light enough to get a good idea of what the state I’ll be living in for the next four years looks like. There are lots of trees, some of them covered with this invasive ivy-like plant Evan calls kudzu. It covers entire groves with a blanket of suffocating green that appears unstoppable. The growth of the towns along the freeway look like that too, one spreading right into another with heavy traffic floating past them.
Just like in Washi
ngton, there are mountains in North Carolina, though they’re much, much smaller in comparison. But I still get a sense of déjà vu as Evan’s car begins climbing along the ribbon of road that disappears into the rolling green mountains beyond. There are more trees here and fewer people, and I think perhaps there’s less humidity in the air, but I won’t be sure until we stop and get out.
Another thirty minutes and I see the sign for Well’s Creek, the town and the college, both sharing the same name. I’m suddenly so nervous that I feel like I could wet myself, and I’m grateful that I’m not alone, that Evan is sitting right next to me and that we’re discovering this place together. I try to imagine Garrett in Evan’s place, but I can’t.
“Let’s just walk around for a bit,” I say once we cross the edge of town, and the speed limit goes from forty to twenty-five.
“You don’t want to drop stuff off at the apartment first?” He’s been wearing sunglasses, and he finally takes them off. His green eyes look tired, but I think I see a spark of interest at my suggestion.
“If we do that, then we’ll probably just want to collapse in our beds, and I’m not ready to shut myself up into my own little apartment quite yet,” I say, to which Evan raises his eyebrows like something about that surprises him. “You’ll thank me,” I continue. “We’ll get out… stretch our legs… and we’ll make a memory of our first night in Well’s Creek. First impressions only happen once.”
He laughs like he did when I made him ride the teacups with me at our county fair when we were twelve. “All right, well, should we get something to drink for this walk of ours? Non-alcoholic of course.” He’s playful in the way he says it, and I’m hoping the ending to our evening will be better than the beginning of it.
“There’s a coffee shop right there,” I say, pointing toward a retro neon sign angling out from one of the buildings along Well’s Creek’s main street that reads Creek’s Coffee.
“Coffee? You want to be up all night?”
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