***
Julia sat seething on the edge of an examination table at the doctor’s office. She’d refused to put on the paper thin smock the nurse had left for her. Having to give a urine sample was humiliating enough. She still was of half a mind to walk out of the room.
The door opened. A burly man with gray, shaggy eyebrows came in wearing bifocals and a white coat. “Hello,” he said in a bluff manner. “I’m Dr. Granger.” He briskly shook Julia’s hand before settling onto a stool and perusing the information taken down by the nurse earlier. “Your brother tells me he found you unconscious,” he said finally.
Julia nodded, deeply resenting the intrusion into her life.
“He also said you have some medications with you. May I see them, please?”
Retrieving a small sack from her purse, she handed it to the doctor. He pulled out each bottle and studied the labels with his head tilted back.
“Headaches? Migraines?”
“Yes.”
“Heart palpitations?”
“Sometimes.”
“How many of each have you taken?”
“None.”
“Why not?”
“Because...I don’t want to.”
Dr. Granger peered at her over the top of his glasses. “I need to examine you so I’ll let you have a minute to change into the gown the nurse laid out for you.”
“The gown won’t be necessary.” She slid her jacket off, revealing her sleeveless dress beneath.
The doctor seemed unperturbed. She took a deep breath, striving to be civil. He stood and put his stethoscope in his ears. Julia had to unzip the back of her dress to give him access to her back and chest and wondered if the gown would’ve been a better idea after all. She inhaled and exhaled on command while he listened to her lungs and heart, followed by him waving a lighted pen around her face.
“Tell me about your symptoms.”
Julia sighed. “Mostly just headaches. Sometimes I have dizzy spells and get nauseated.”
“How often do you lose consciousness?”
“Almost never. I skipped a couple of meals today, so I may have been light-headed due to that.”
“Why do you skip meals?”
“Because I can’t always exercise, plus I’m very busy.”
“When is the last time you had a period?”
Julia flushed. She wanted to tell him to mind his own business. “It’s been a few months, I think.”
“Are you pregnant?”
“No, I usually have irregular cycles.”
“You sure you’re not pregnant?”
“Of course I’m sure!” she grated. “I practice this novel form of birth control called abstinence.”
There was a quick knock on the door and the nurse peeked in. “The pregnancy test was negative,” she said brightly.
Julia gritted her teeth and silently counted to ten. Dr. Granger indicated his examination was over and she quickly zipped up her dress. His interrogation, however continued. He asked about her car accident, her recovery and all manner of nosy questions about her lifestyle and work habits. By the time he finished, a fresh headache throbbed at Julia’s temples.
The doctor scribbled on her chart for a bit, then leaned forward on his stool, his hands braced on his knees. “When I leave, the nurse will be in to draw some blood and I’m going to refer you for a CAT scan to rule out any brain problems that might be responsible for your headaches. But I’m going to tell you what I’m sure we’ll find.”
He took off his glasses and gave her a hard look. Julia shrank back slightly by the intensity of his expression.
“You have walking-pneumonia and you’re almost certainly anemic. You’re not on the brink of exhaustion, you’re over the cliff. Today I had to tell a patient younger than you that she needed to make an appointment with an oncologist. She has maybe six months left to live. All her life she’s been healthy and has taken excellent care of herself. You, on the other hand, have been foolishly neglecting your health. People like you make a mockery of those who have no hope.”
He sighed. “Now, I strongly suggest you take a doctor’s advice for once. Go home and go straight to bed. Stay there for two weeks. Take vitamins along with the antibiotics I’m prescribing and eat like a normal human being. My nurse will call you with your test results and set up your appointment with a radiologist. Any questions?”
Julia shook her head. When he left the room, she swallowed hard. She wanted to tell herself the doctor had no right to speak to her like that, but she knew she deserved the chastisement. Julia sat submissively when the nurse came in and jammed a needle in her arm. Finally, when the appointment ended, she slid from the table and joined Brian in the waiting room.
***
On the way home, Julia was acutely aware of her brother’s scrutiny. She gave him only the basics about her appointment, omitting the doctor’s tirade—mostly because she figured Brian would agree.
“I thought you tried to kill yourself,” he said finally, a muscle twitching in his jaw.
Julia turned and stared. “What?”
“When we found you with the pills everywhere...I thought you had attempted suicide. I’ve never been so scared in my life!”
“That’s absurd,” she flashed. “You should’ve known better than to think that!”
They stopped at a red light and Brian pinned her with a quelling look. “You’ve been moping around for the last several weeks.”
“I have not been moping!”
“Julia, admit it. You’ve been on self-destruct for a long time now.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
He snorted. “You need to slow down. Why are you beating yourself up?”
“I have a job to do like everyone else.”
“You weren’t supposed to have a job while you were here, Julia. You came to Oregon to take a break, remember? What’s it going to take for you to figure that out?”
“I already got this lecture at the clinic.”
“Did it sink in? Or are you just going to ignore another doctor?”
She put up a hand. “Please. I’m just so tired. I can barely think straight anymore.”
Brian remained silent for several minutes. But as they neared the B & B, he released a haggard sigh. “I know you’re a driven person, Julia. And I know what drives you.”
She stared down at her hands. Brian knew her better than anyone else. But he didn’t know everything.
“All your life, you’ve been trying to live up to everyone’s expectations. Mom’s, your friends, all your bosses...Kevin.”
Julia winced and peeked up at him.
“Now you have your brother breathing down your neck, a sister-in-law trying to get you married off, and another doctor bossing you around.” He gave her a chagrined smile. “I want you to forget about all of us for a while. Just focus on God’s expectations for you. His yoke is easy and his burden is light.”
The softly-spoken words coiled around Julia’s heart. She felt her eyes film over with tears and could only nod her assent.
He pulled into the driveway and parked, then reached over and gave her a fierce hug. “Uh, Jules?”
“Yes?”
“Before you forget about everyone else like I said, could I ask one thing of you?”
She leaned back and looked at her brother. “Of course.”
“I want you to think about moving permanently to Oregon. Dad is considering it, too. Pray about it, okay?”
The news surprised her. “Dad is? Really?”
He nodded. “To be closer to his grandchild.”
“Of course.”
“But bottom line, just listen to God. Okay?”
Julia gave him a wan smile, not sure she knew how to any longer. “Okay.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
For the next two weeks—after the blood test confirmed anemia and the CAT scan came back normal—Julia stuffed herself with vitamins and did her best to rest. Spencer had graciously finished up the few loose end
s of the project and told her to take all the time she needed.
She had a lot of time to think, which she didn’t particularly enjoy. Brian had hit the nail on the head, builder that he was. It was true, she did try to live up to everyone’s expectations. But was that really so bad? She lightly tickled the baby who lay on his tummy, trying very hard to raise his head. Even babies tried hard, she mused. Once one skill was mastered, they began working on the next thing. But how much was expected of babies? A lot perhaps, if one lived by the books outlining each specific phase of development.
It could also be argued no one expected a two-month old baby to walk. A parent looked forward to that milestone, certainly, but was probably content just right where the baby was in his growth. Julia reached down and picked Alan up. Tucking his head under her chin, she inhaled his baby scent. Could this be how God felt about His children? Enjoying each phase of development? Rejoicing in each achievement on the path to maturity?
Julia closed her eyes against the moisture she felt there. God, are you pleased with me? She tightened her arms around the baby, half-afraid she might get an answer. What if I am a disappointment to You? Julia couldn’t bear the thought. Help me, Lord. Help me where I’m at.
She hummed a hymn, sensing the Lord reaching out to her, ministering to her. Alan began to grunt and wiggle. Blinking away her tears, Julia realized he was getting hungry. Wiping the wetness from her face with the back of her hand, she went in search of Sara.
If Sara noticed she’d been crying, she didn’t say anything. Maybe it's because seeing me in tears is a common sight these days. Sara took her son from Julia’s arms and settled on the couch in the sitting room. While she began to nurse the baby, Julia took the opportunity to bring her emotions under control.
“So, are you going stir crazy yet? It’s been two whole weeks of down time,” Sara teased.
She smiled. “For thirteen years I’ve lived at two speeds. Sleep and one hundred miles an hour.” She shrugged. “It will take a while to slow down.”
“At least you have your job finished at the college. That must be a relief.”
“Yes. But I owe a lot to Spencer Meyers, the man I worked with. He was the one who discovered the discrepancy that blew the lid off the embezzlement.”
“So the college will do better from now on?”
“The money problem has partially been solved through this discovery, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that Northwest had many other problems. Our findings and suggestions for improvement are still valid.”
“Have...have you thought any more about what you’ll do next?”
“That’s all I think about,” Julia said with a tired laugh.
“Do you plan to stay in consulting? Brian mentioned you have talents in other areas he thought you might pursue.”
She lifted her shoulders. “I’m still pretty mixed up about everything. As long as I don’t wear out your welcome, I’m content to stay here and work out my decisions.”
Sara put the baby up to her shoulder and patted his back. “Julia, we want you to stay! Forever!” She smiled wryly. “You don’t have to stay at the cottage unless you want to. I know we’re out in the boonies.”
Julia leaned back in the chair where she sat. “If I did move to Oregon, I think I’d have to be near a big city.” Once the words were out, she realized Sara would think of Marc.
“Like Portland?” The question hung in the air between them. Sara bit her lip, looking ill at ease. “Sorry, I don’t mean to pry. But I wondered...if you’ve spoken to Marc recently?”
Julia shook her head. He doesn’t love me. Maybe he never did. Maybe my vain imaginings conjured something that never really existed. “I think…that unless God does something about that situation, that chapter of my life is closed.”
That chapter of my life is closed. What a joke. Night after night, he filled her dreams, leaving an ache in her heart when she awoke. Julia faithfully prayed for God’s blessings for him while a small part of her hoped he was as miserable without her as she was without him.
One day, tired of the way he consumed her thoughts, she prayed, I want him, God. If he’s the one for me, bring him back into my life. In the next moment she was terrified God might do just that. But as January passed into February, Marc never bothered to contact her.
***
Julia stayed reasonably occupied with small projects around the B & B. Touching up paint, repairing loose wallpaper, and experimenting with new breakfast ideas kept her from going out of her mind. As her body healed, she became more fidgety with each passing day. Julia fought against it, knowing if she opened the door to frantic busyness, she’d probably lose control again.
She went out to lunch with Spencer a few times, partly because she enjoyed his undemanding company and partly to hear about what was going on at the college. He told her they planned to implement many of their suggestions and he was fairly optimistic the school would succeed. He never mentioned if he saw Marc, and she never asked.
By the end of the month, Julia learned her father planned to move to Oregon. That confirmed the direction she suspected the Lord was leading her. With her dad, brother, sister-in-law, and nephew here, it only made sense to stay.
Soon after, Julia tendered her resignation with her firm in San Diego with the knowledge there was no shortage of competent employees eager to take her place. Brian and Sara were thrilled with her decision. There still remained the problem of what she would do with herself. While financially she was comfortable, she couldn’t live off her savings forever. Julia made tentative plans to fly down to San Diego in mid-March to take care of unfinished business and say her goodbyes.
***
The week following Julia’s decision, she and Sara sat in the sitting room discussing the details of the move. They both decided since San Diego and Portland boasted one of her favorite stores—The Nordstrom Rack—they declared this to be a sign of divine confirmation.
Being silly was a whole lot easier than thinking of Marc and his absence in her life. Apparently God had spoken on that issue and it was a big fat no.
Sara looked up as her husband came into the room. “Hi, sweetie. Did you find what you were looking for at the lumber yard?”
Brian sat on one of the chairs and stretched out his long legs. “You could say that.”
Julia noticed the odd expression on his face. “What do you mean?”
“I’ve found a solution to something that’s been bugging me lately.”
She frowned, feeling distinctly uncomfortable with the direct way he looked at her. “Out with it. This has something to do with me, doesn’t it?”
“Yep,” he said laconically.
“Brian!” Sara said, “tell us!”
Pinning his sister with a look, he cleared his throat. “Well, I haven’t been comfortable with the idea of you going alone to California. You’ll have to do a lot of driving while you're there and you’re still having those dizzy spells.”
Julia shook her head. “Hardly ever now.”
Ignoring her words, Brian continued. “I’ve found someone to go with you and keep an eye on you.”
“I don’t need a babysitter, Brian,” she said dryly.
“I can’t go with you and I won’t let you go unless you have somebody with you I trust.”
“Oh, so you found someone. And just who might this paragon be?”
“Marc Dorin.”
Julia went very still, her heart hammering against her ribs. She glanced at Sara and saw her eyes were wide with disbelief. Julia felt heat suffuse her face. She stood and glared at her brother. “You had better be joking.”
“Nope. I’ve already spoken to him and he’s agreed.”
Fury made her dizzy. She put out a hand to the wall for support. “Well, he can just unagree! I can’t believe you went behind my back and set this up without my knowledge or permission!”
“I didn’t go behind your back. I ran into him today at the grocery store when I went in to grab a soda.
He was there doing the same thing, on his way home from a trip to the mountains. He asked about you and I told him of your plan to stay. One thing led to another.” Brian shrugged. “It’s a perfect plan. You said a week would be plenty of time to wrap things up and he has Spring Break week free.”
He asked about me? A wave of longing washed over her. Julia stifled a groan, then shook her head. “No way.”
“Be reasonable. He’s one of the only people I would trust to do this. He’s being very generous to offer his time and trouble.”
He offered? Ignoring the rush of pleasure at the thought, she forced herself to think rationally. “You’ll just have to call him and cancel. And next time, mind your own business!” Julia pushed away from the wall and marched from the room.
She closed her eyes and took a calming breath when she made it back to the cottage. Her brother was a complete lunkhead. Men could be so dense! And Marc! How dare he make plans without consulting her first!
Her phone rang.
She snatched it up. “Hello?”
“Julia? This is Marc.”
She froze. Her brain ceased to function. Why hadn’t she confirmed the caller first?
“How are you?” he asked.
The concern in his voice thawed her somewhat. She gripped the BlackBerry and found a chair to sit down on. “Okay.”
“I wanted to talk to you about an idea I had. I ran into Brian today and he told me about your situation.” He paused, and lowered his voice. “I know this probably sounds crazy, but I wanted to ask what you thought about me going with you to California.”
Julia leaned over and clutched her head in her hand. Why is he doing this to me? Is it some kind of revenge to show me I can't have what I want? “Brian told me about the idea,” she said when she could trust herself to speak.
“Oh. I had hoped to discuss it with you first.”
She closed her eyes, absorbing the sound of his beloved voice.
“What do you think? I understand if the whole thing makes you uncomfortable. But I would like to help.”
Lights and Shadows (Oregon In Love) Page 18