by S. K. Lessly
She laughed. “Uh-huh, oh, I’m sure. Carry on.”
I took another bite and chewed slowly, my eyes narrowed on her. When I swallowed and took a gulp of my drink, I continued. “As I was saying, I stayed in on the 31st and watched the many New Year’s Eve shows on TV. It was just me, Ryan Seacrest, and Jim Beam.”
“Wait, hold up? I thought you were alone?”
“I was alone.” I took another bite while she thought about what I said. The second she got it, it looked as if a light went off in her eyes.
“You got white girl wasted, didn’t you?”
“You know it. It was great at first. I cursed the universe for my demise last year. I called everyone that fucked me over every name under the sun. I think I even drunk texted Sebastian and wished the plague on both his houses.”
“You didn’t?”
“Oh, yes and I think I said it with an English accent as I typed.”
Tonya laughed so loud that a few of the other tables looked over at us.
I smiled at them. “Sorry, she’s pregnant. She can’t help it.” The other patrons looked at me confused before I turned my attention back to my friend.
“What did he say? Did he respond?”
“I’m sure he did, but I blocked his number from my phone, so I don’t have a clue what he said. Anyway, after the ball dropped, I think I resorted to crying. Yes, I remember. I was a blubbering mess. Then I threw up everything in my stomach, including my stomach lining and begged God to take the pain away. I even promised I’d be good this year if he did.”
Tonya sobered and gave me a small smile. She placed her hand over mine and squeezed.
“Have you called him since that day he came to your house?”
I let her squeeze my hand again before I removed it and picked up my sandwich. Trying not to cry again, I took a big bite of my tuna. I chewed and tried to swallow past the huge lump in my throat so that I wouldn't fall apart.
The day after Paul came over to help me with the hardwood planks, I was an emotional mess. I hadn’t realized how much I missed him and having him next to me for hours like that only intensified the ache for him.
Confessing that I was still in love with Paul to Tonya the following day, convinced me that I needed to tell him everything. I even texted him and asked if he could come over and help me with the kitchen floor. It wasn’t a ploy to get him to come over. I truly needed help. I had gone through two packs of tiles, cutting them with the table saw and messing up terribly.
I remembered he’d offered to come back and help if I needed it. I needed it, and I needed him. But when I texted him, he told me he couldn’t make it. He was heading out of town and was working a couple of extra shifts so that he could take the days.
He didn’t have to say that he was going with her, I could hear it in his text, and that news gutted me. It also reminded me, again, how stupid I was to let him go. He did send someone in his place instead, John from the firehouse. He was the contractor that Paul told me could possibly draw up some specs on the master oasis I wanted to have built.
I had been thankful at the time. John didn’t have a problem with coming over and helping me. In fact, he showed me how to use the damn saw properly, and then finished laying the rest of the tiles within a few hours. He came back the next day to spread the grout and finish up. He also took some measurements of my upstairs and said he’d work on getting me some drawings in a few weeks.
I was excited and sad at the same time. As always, Paul came through for me. He managed to help me and crush me all in one fluid, unconscious motion. After that day, I decided to give it up, especially when Tonya confirmed my suspicions and told me he was going on a trip with Bridgette.
“You miss him,” she said more like a statement than a question, her words bringing me back to the present.
I nodded, fighting the knot that was forming in my throat again. The backs of my eyes stung with tears, but I fought those too.
“Like I never imagined I would,” I replied softly. “Just being around him was a tease. It took every bit of control not to tell him how I was still in love with him and that I missed him. I wanted to kiss him and to be honest, when we were in my bedroom I wanted to jump on him.”
Tonya shook her head. “I still can’t believe some of the things you told me about him. He seems like a “by the book” type in the bedroom, you know. He doesn’t seem like he would screw your brains out.”
I nodded and laughed.
“My point exactly. I felt the same way for a long time. The things he did to my body and hell even some of the things he said to me had me begging for him. The man is hot as sin on so many levels. However, it wasn’t just about the sex. It was him. Just being with him, the way he held me and smiled at me are just some of the things I missed the most.”
I shifted in my seat and admitted to my friend. “You know, the night I was on my knees in front of the toilet, I prayed to God for another chance with him. I promised him and myself that if he gave me one, I wouldn’t blow it. Wishful thinking considering he moved on, right?”
I could feel my throat getting tight again, and I swallowed the emotions threatening to seize my heart and reached for my drink.
Tonya gave me a solemn, pitying look from across the table. However, the words she said next had the hopes and dreams I prayed for possibly coming true.
“You know they’re not together anymore?”
“Uh, I’m sorry what?” Yeah, I was dumbfounded and needed her to say it again. I had to have heard her wrong. I’d seen them together. They didn’t look like anything but a happy couple. Hell, they were planning to go on a vacation together. How did that change in a matter of days?
Tonya bit back a smile.
“Tyler mentioned that Paul wasn’t seeing Bridgette any longer.”
I swallowed hard and tried to clear the lump lodged in my throat.
“Oh, uh did he say why they… um, aren’t a couple?” I questioned her, trying to be nonchalant, but the hitch in my voice showed her just how affected I was to her words.
Tonya, unable to hide her smile, slid the corner of her lips into her cheek. She shrugged her shoulders and took a sip of her drink. She was prolonging my agony. She’s such a hater.
“Tonya,” I chided, or more like whined.
She laughed.
“Don’t get your panties in a twist. I don’t know why. He didn’t say and really who cares. All I know is that Bridgette and Paul is no longer a thing.” Tonya gave me a full out grin and gripped my hand tight.
“So just like that. They’re over? What happened to the trip they were going on?” I asked still trying to wrap my head around what all this could mean.
Tonya shrugged her shoulder. “I don’t know. I guess they never took the trip. Again, who the hell cares? The man is free. Isn’t that good news? You prayed for a chance, and it’s coming true. This could be your moment.”
I started shaking my head before she even finished her sentence.
“I don’t know, Tonya. I’ve done a lot of damage. I wouldn’t even know how to begin to make this right between us.”
“Don’t bitch out now,” she countered challengingly.
“I’m not bitching out. I’m being realistic. My prayer was that of a lonely pathetic fool who was drunk out of her mind.”
“Yeah well, drunk or not, things are aligning for you. This is a sign that your prayers have been answered, can’t you see? Look, I get it. Shit is messed up between you two, but in my opinion, what do you have to lose? You’ve just said that you miss him, and that you still love him.” She squeezed my hand tight. “Stop letting your fears get the best of you. That man belongs to you, not this Bridgette girl, not Sabrina, or anyone else. The second you get the opportunity, you need to stake your claim.”
I wanted to argue some more and reject her words, except I couldn’t get my mouth to work to utter any more bullshit. She was right, and I knew it. If I wanted Paul, I needed to stop being a pussy and stake my claim. We need
ed to talk, and damn it, I’d do just that the second I got the opportunity. I just hoped that I had the right words to give him that would be in my favor. If he didn’t forgive me or if he didn’t love me or want me anymore, God, I’d think I’d die.
With that depressing thought floating around in my mind, I decided to change the subject.
“So how is Tyler loving the pregnancy? I know he must be excited?”
Tonya’s face morphed into an infectious grin. She rubbed her belly lovingly as she spoke, “Girl, let me tell you. He’s more excited about this baby than I am. He had been itching to tell the guys the moment we found out, but I threatened to withhold sex from him until the baby was born.”
I laughed and scrounged up my face. “That’s cruel of you. The man is just excited.”
“Me too, and I was able to wait until later to tell you. Do you have any idea how hard that was for me? You’re like the sister I never had and my very best friend.”
I reached and squeezed her hand, tears threatening to fall but for a different reason. “Mine too, love.”
We smiled at each other, and I swear I felt my eyes start to water. Got damn it, what’s with this day and all the emotions? I wasn’t pregnant, what was up with all these emotional feelings. I cleared my throat and took a sip of lemonade.
“Alright, when do we get to go shopping?”
* * *
The rest of our lunch date was filled with baby talk and finalizing the baby shower. Being her bestie, I had told her that I would throw her an epic baby shower. The second I had told her that, she started giving all of the places she wanted to have said epic baby shower, decoration ideas registry info, and most importantly who she wanted to invite.
When she had mentioned Melissa and Sabrina, the two people that weren’t fans of mine, I smiled brightly, but inwardly I cringed. I wasn’t sure why Melissa and Sabrina hated me. Oh, wait, yes I did, fucking Sebastian and his lying ass that’s why. Tonya had told me how he was running my name in the mud to anyone that would listen. It was never in front of Tonya though. I think he knew better. Tonya had to set records straight on many occasions after Sebastian had done his dirt. I told her to stop. It wasn’t worth it, and besides, they wouldn’t believe her anyway.
With that being said, this baby shower would be interesting, and maybe it wasn’t a good idea for me to do it. However, this was my girl, and I would swallow my pride for her. After all, they had been her friends way before I came on the scene. I would never deny her being with the people she loved.
The good thing about this was that I had a few weeks before I would have to be in the same room with them. I just needed to coach myself to behave during the shower. But just to be sure I would behave, I’d definitely make sure I had plenty of wine on hand to get me through the day.
Wine went well with baby showers, don’t you agree?
9
Paul
Today was a long and tiresome day. I had been on rotation since the holidays, working a few shifts at surrounding firehouses, and standing in for those still on vacation.
Today, I was working a shift at a firehouse on the border of Bloomfield and Montclair. We had just come back from a hellacious call, and I made a beeline for a place to relax. I fell onto the couch in the main break room and breathed out a sigh of relief, thankful to have just a moment to get my head on straight.
CNN was blaring on the TV, but I wasn’t paying it or the people around me any attention. I was too busy thinking about when I was going to grow a set of balls and approach Lauren.
My conversation with Bridgette had gone rather well, better than I’d expected actually. It had turned out that we both had things we needed to confess. She’d told me that her ex had shown up at her parent’s house wanting to talk. They did and had decided to get back together. She admitted she didn’t want to prolong talking to me or do anything behind my back, which was the reason for the late-night trip to my house.
You could imagine how relieved I was at her admission. However, I didn’t let her admission be the only one. I had explained that I had some things to get off my chest as well. I had guided her to my couch and told her about Lauren. I explained how we met, how we fell for each other, and even what broke us up. Afterwards, Bridgette sighed and shook her head.
“And you’re what? Thinking about getting back together with her?”
I shrugged.
“I don’t know. It would depend on her. We made many mistakes the first time around. We need to sit down and see if what we had in the past had survived this time apart.”
“Makes sense, but I thought she was dating that guy from the wedding?”
“No, she’s not dating him anymore.”
Bridgette's eyes went wide. “How do you know that?”
“She told me when I helped her with her hardwood floors,” I explained, and Bridgette nodded, giving me a side eye as if implying something more must have happened between us that night.
Honestly, something had happened, but it wasn’t what she was thinking.
“Look, there is a lot of history between Lauren and me. From the moment we met, we established a connection, a friendship that turned into something deeper before we even knew what hit us. Maybe it had to do with both of us feeling unfulfilled in our married life, who knows. Nevertheless, we connected on so many levels. Unfortunately, we didn’t play the hand we had been dealt, which ended up breaking us apart. Shit happens. End of story.”
“Well, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way,” she said pointedly, which only meant I needed to brace myself for harsh opinions. “And this may seem harsh, but from what you told me, you might want to rethink getting back together.” I raised an eyebrow and leaned back from her in surprise.
Bridgette scooted closer to me, a pleading look halting my rebuttal.
“Hear me out. You said you two had a connection, but the moment that connection was tested, it failed. I think it failed because what you tried to start had no foundation. Paul, I believe that, when you two were together, you were still emotionally invested in your marriage. You hadn’t quite sought out closure. It was the same for me. I hadn’t found closure with my ex, and I was trying to start something with you, and it wasn’t working. You also mentioned that Lauren was married too and her marriage ended badly as well. I would say the same went for her. You two shouldn’t have tried to start something so soon. Now, look at you two. You barely speak to each other, but you claimed you had a connection that ran deep.”
I had been speechless at the time she expressed her opinion. I had to admit that she had a point. Lauren and I both knew we shouldn’t have started anything so soon after our separations. The point about us lacking foundation had been on point too. However, in her assessment, she was also missing a lot of pieces that I hadn’t felt the need to share with her.
For me, I fell in love with Lauren the second I saw her. It was something in her eyes, and something in the way she smiled that had me hooked. My soul gravitated to her in ways that I had no control over. I wasn’t sure how it was for Lauren. I never asked and to be honest I never fully expressed my feelings to her either.
We made a huge mistake not talking to each other about how we felt. She probably thought the feelings that I had was superficial. Maybe if I had taken the time to tell her I loved her sooner and been truthful with myself, we wouldn’t be where we were now. In fact, during that unbelievable night in New York, I should have confessed everything to her. Except I didn’t, and shit had blown up in my face.
We also made another mistake. We never spoke about our past mistakes, our futures, what we wanted out of life, or even what we wanted from each other. I felt like that had been a disservice to us both. Learning about each other consisted of learning about our past mistakes and deciding together we wouldn’t make them twice. We should have also talked about our futures too, where we wanted to go with our lives, and mainly if we saw each other in our futures.
She was my best friend, and we didn’t talk about
shit substantial. We fucked each other’s brains out but hid behind walls we built. How in the hell was she supposed to know that what I felt for her was real based on that?
“Paul, look,” Bridgette had started to say, pulling me from my thoughts. “I’m not trying to throw a monkey wrench in your plans or tell you that what you feel isn’t real. You are a good person, a good man, and you deserve better.” Bridgette had reached for my hand, laced her fingers with mine, and squeezed. “From the time we’ve spent together, I think I know enough about you to know that she doesn’t deserve you. You and I are in a great place to start fresh. Clearly, it’s not with each other, but the way you speak about your ex-wife, you’re in a different place emotionally and mentally than you had been years ago. You’ve found closure, which is great. Don’t settle for someone that doesn’t know what you’re worth.”
I smiled at her and squeezed her hand.
“Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it. Believe me. I won’t settle for anything less than what I deserve.”
With that being said, I ended the conversation by standing and pulling her up with me. I led her to the front door, kissed her cheek, and wished her well with her ex. Still being the gentleman I was, I escorted her to her car and watched her drive away. As I turned and walked back to my house, determination began to weave through my body.
I had appreciated her advice at the time. Again, I understood where she was coming from and why she felt the need to share her thoughts. She was right. I did deserve better. However, she was wrong about one thing. After seeing things through a fresh pair of eyes, I knew now without a shadow of a doubt what I deserved. I deserved Lauren.
She knew me inside and out. She knew just what to do to make me feel good when I had a shit day. She understood what made me the man I was and no other woman had ever taken the time to truly get to know me. So, why was I bullshitting around?