by Shana Burton
“It’s real,” asserted Shari. “I know it. I can feel it.”
“I understand. I’ve been there. I thought it was love at first sight when I met Mark, but I was wrong. The man for me was Garrett, not Mark.” Lawson reached for Shari’s hand. “The fact of the matter is that you and Namon both will meet other people. One day, one of those people will turn out to be the mate whom God has created for you.”
“How do you know Namon isn’t my soul mate?”
“How do you know that he is?”
The question silenced Shari for a moment. “If I had to raise this baby by myself, I think I could do it. My mom raised us.”
“Think about it, Shari. Was your mother really the kind of mother you needed, one you could model yourself after?” Shari shook her head. “I’ve been a single parent. It’s no picnic. It’s long nights and not having any money, never having enough rest or time to yourself. It’s making sacrifices every day and not having your own life. Are you ready for that?”
“People always say what a blessing having a child is.”
“It is a blessing when two people love each other and are committed in marriage, the way God intended, but His plan was never for the woman to have to struggle alone to raise a child. Do you really think being an eighteen-year-old single parent in college is really what God wants for your life? Do you honestly think this pregnancy was a part of His plan and purpose for you?”
Shari looked confused.
Lawson pulled back, wondering if she was being too harsh. “Look, I’m not saying that your baby is a mistake. He or she may turn out to be a tremendous blessing. I can’t imagine not having Namon in my life, but at the same time, it breaks my heart that he’s had to suffer for my bad decisions. I wasn’t able to give him the life he deserved because I was broke. We struggled for a very long time. I had to put my dreams of going to college on hold so I could raise him. It was tough for a lot of years.”
“But it’s okay now, right?”
“It’s better, but it’s not okay. There’s still a lot of tension between Mark and Garrett where Namon is concerned. That’ll probably never be fully resolved, and Namon is caught in the middle.”
“Yeah, he’s told me that he feels torn sometimes. He doesn’t want to hurt Garrett or make him feel like he doesn’t appreciate him, but he also wants to have a relationship with his biological father because they missed out on so much time together.”
“That’s true. Namon was a teenager when he met Mark. Mark carries around a lot of guilt because he wasn’t there for his son. He probably always will. So you see, there hasn’t been an easy way out for any of us. It all could’ve been avoided if I’d waited to have children.”
“But then you wouldn’t have Namon.”
“I think I would’ve still had a child when the time was right, and I would’ve much rather done it when I was emotionally prepared and financially able to give my child everything he needed. I hated watching him suffer and having to go without new shoes and other things that his classmates had. I was also ashamed that I had to rely on public assistance to take care of him. Nobody wants to be on welfare and have that stigma attached to them. That’s certainly not what I wanted for my child or myself.”
“But it’s just a hand up to help you get on your feet, right?”
“Honey, it took me thirteen long years to get on my feet! That’s a long time to have to struggle.”
Shari exhaled. “I can’t even imagine that far out.”
“To be honest with you, I had it easier than a lot of other people. At least Namon was healthy. What if he had been a special needs child? That’s a lifelong commitment. Have you thought about the possibility of this being a special needs child and what that would mean for your life?”
Shari shook her head.
“You know, a week ago I attended the funeral for my best friend’s son. It was sad and tragic, but if there is a blessing to be found in that, it’s that he is no longer suffering. He was born premature, and he probably would’ve had complications for the rest of his life. His parents would’ve had to spend the remainder of their lives taking care of him. Thankfully, if they had to, they have the resources and support to do that, but do you? Would you even begin to know how to take care of a child who’s autistic or blind or has Down syndrome or any number of complications?”
“I hadn’t even thought about that,” admitted Shari. “I have a cousin with epilepsy. It’s tough on her whole family. She can’t drive or work a real job. She can’t even live by herself because her seizures are so severe.”
“It’s a lot to consider. You’re virtually a kid yourself, Shari. This isn’t the kind of thing you should have to be thinking about right now.”
Shari exhaled. “It’s all so confusing.”
“I know it is. I was confused when I was pregnant too. I felt trapped and like I had no options. You have options, though, and you have me here to help you make the best choice for you and your baby.”
“I appreciate that. Thank you.”
“You know, Shari, I think that you’re a fine young lady. You’re smart, beautiful, and talented. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t you want to know what it’s like to travel and see the world? Be able to work anywhere or pick up and move whenever you get ready? You and Namon are teenagers. Yes, you care very deeply about one another now, but people change. The kind of guy you like at eighteen isn’t the same kind of man you want at twenty-five. You don’t want to tie yourself down to a permanent situation at this time in your life.”
At this point, Shari’s enthusiasm about her baby had deflated, and she was more confused than she had been since failing her pregnancy test. “I don’t know what the best thing to do is.”
Lawson looked her in the eyes. “Be honest with me, Shari. Do you really want a baby right now? Don’t worry about the politically correct answer. Be honest with me and honest with yourself. Do you truly want this baby?”
“If I say no, what kind of person does that make me?”
“It makes you human! Honey, you’re eighteen years old, a freshman in college, with no job, no money. Frankly, I’d be more concerned if you were happy about all of this.”
“But this is my responsibility. I made the choice to have sex with Namon, and I have to live with that decision.”
“So you deserve to be punished for the next twenty years because you had a lapse in judgment? That’s not fair to you, it’s not fair to Namon, and most of all, it’s not fair to this baby, who will have to suffer because his parents took on a responsibility they couldn’t handle. This isn’t about punishing you for having sex, Shari. That’s a done deal, and there’s nothing you can do about that now. All you can do is learn something, rectify the situation, and move on.”
“How do I do that?”
Lawson placed her hand on top of Shari’s. “By listening to your heart and doing what’s best for everyone involved.”
“You think I should put the baby up for adoption?”
“That’s an option, but if you carry this baby to term, do you really think you’d be able to give it up? You’d be so caught up in the emotions and guilt that you probably wouldn’t be able to make any rational decisions. Let’s suppose you were able to give up the child. Most black children who end up in foster care don’t get adopted. They grow up being shuffled from place to place, often ending up in even worse situations. Is that what you want for your baby? Can you live with that?”
“No, but that leaves only abortion as an option.”
Lawson nodded slowly. “I’d never tell you to have an abortion, but, yes, that is an option.”
“I would be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it. I mean, it would be a solution to all my problems.”
“Like I said, it’s an option, but so is adoption and so is keeping the baby.”
“Just tell me what you think I should do!” implored Shari.
“I can’t make that decision for you. It wouldn’t be fair, because I don’t h
ave to live with the consequences. You’re going to be the one taking care of this child and up at two in the morning, feeding it, clothing it, putting your life and your aspirations on hold, not me. No one can make this choice for you, Shari, not even Namon. And you can’t be worried about what other people have to say or what they’re going to think, because it’s your life, your decision, and your body.”
“What about Namon? How would he feel if I aborted his baby?”
Lawson thought for a moment, framing her response carefully. “Namon is a kind, honorable young man, and he’d never come out and tell you to have an abortion. He loves you. His conscience wouldn’t allow him to ask you to do that, but, sweetie, do you really think my son is ready for a child at this point in his life? Truth be told, I think he’d be relieved, even if he wouldn’t admit it.”
Shari wrinkled her brow. “Really?”
“Yes. Namon is so scared and confused. He wants to do right by you and the baby, but he’s been given this wonderful opportunity to go to college at his dream school. He loves being on campus and learning so much. He knows how proud of him we all are. He was very proud of himself until all this happened. Now he feels like he’s let everyone down, including himself.”
“So I’d be doing him a favor if I had an abortion?” Shari wondered aloud.
“I don’t know that I’d call it a favor, but I think you’d be taking a great deal of stress off of him and you’d be giving both of you a chance at a real future. This way, if things don’t work out between the two of you, you can go your separate ways without any regrets. If you two wind up together, you’d know it’s because you want to be together, not because you had a child and felt obligated to each other.”
“I think I’d be scared to do it.”
“It’s a relatively quick and safe procedure. It takes about ten minutes, and they’ll put you to sleep if you want them to.”
“Oh, that’s good, I guess.”
“Shari, I’m not trying to trivialize it, because this is a huge decision, but it’s not some big, scary procedure. However, it is more expensive the longer you wait, so I wouldn’t take too long in deciding.”
Shari shrugged her shoulders. “It doesn’t matter. I don’t have the money to pay for something like that.”
Lawson placed a hand on Shari’s shoulder. “Sweetie, if you don’t have enough money to take care of this yourself, how are you going to have enough money to take care of a baby?”
Shari’s lip began to quiver, and tears started streaming down her cheeks. “I don’t think I can handle all this. I’m not ready to be a mama.”
Lawson took Shari in her arms. “Don’t cry. It’ll be okay.”
“No, it won’t!” she sobbed. “I don’t have any money. How am I going to take care of this child?”
“I can’t answer that for you.”
Shari pulled away from Lawson and composed herself. “I’ve seen enough episodes of Teen Mom to know how this’ll turn out. Namon and me are not ready for this kind of responsibility. I don’t know what we were thinking.”
“You weren’t thinking. That’s the problem.”
Shari took a deep breath. “I think I should do it . . . you know, have the abortion.”
They were the words Lawson had been waiting to hear. “Are you sure?”
Shari nodded.
“If this is something you really want to do, I’ll pay for it.”
“But I can’t pay you back.”
“You can pay me back by staying in school and learning from this situation. That’s all the payment I need,” Lawson assured her.
“I don’t know where to go or how I’m going to get there or anything.”
“Don’t you worry about anything. I’ll take care of everything. I’ll set your appointment, I’ll stay with you during the procedure, and I’ll pay for it. All I need for you to do is look me in the eyes and tell me you’re one hundred percent positive that this is what you want to do.” Lawson held her breath, waiting for Shari to respond.
Shari paused. “I want to do it. I want to have the abortion.”
Lawson released a sigh of relief. “I think you made the right decision. I’m going to be there for you every step of the way, I promise.”
“What am I going to tell my mom?”
“Sweetie, you’re eighteen. Legally, you are an adult and don’t have to tell your parents anything. In fact, I wouldn’t say anything to anyone if I were you. You’ve made your decision, and you’re comfortable with it. You don’t need anyone trying to talk you out of it.”
“What about Namon?”
“I don’t think you should say anything to him either, not until after it’s over.”
“Why not? Namon would freak out if he knew I had an abortion and didn’t tell him. I can’t do that to him.”
“I won’t lie to you. I think initially Namon may be upset, but he’ll get over it in time. Eventually, he’ll see that you did this for him as much as you did it for yourself.”
Shari’s anxiety began to surface again. Her palms grew sweaty. “I don’t know. . . .”
Lawson could sense that Shari was faltering, and she wasn’t about to let that happen. “Shari, I know my son much better than you do. Once he’s had time to think about it and process everything, he’ll understand why you handled it this way. If you want, I’ll talk to him after the surgery and help explain it in a way that he can clearly perceive. We can tell him together.”
Shari relaxed again. “For the first time in weeks, I finally feel like things are going to be okay.”
“They are. You should be proud of yourself. You’ve made a very grown-up choice today. I applaud you for weighing the pros and cons and coming to a decision that is best for everyone involved.”
“Thank you for helping me.”
“No, you came to this decision all on your own,” insisted Lawson. “I let you know what your options were, but you came to this decision by yourself, right? You don’t feel like I coerced you, do you?”
“No,” Shari answered slowly. “It was my decision, I suppose.”
“It was all your decision,” stressed Lawson. “But that’s good! It shows you’re moving into adulthood. You’re thinking like an adult and making good decisions for yourself. That’s what being in college is all about.” Lawson noticed the pained look on Shari’s face. “I know it’s scary, but you’ll be fine. You have plenty of time to have babies, but next time it’ll be on your own terms and when you’re ready for it. There’s nothing wrong with acknowledging that you’re not ready to be a mother. God will forgive you. He’s already forgiven you. Namon will forgive you, and so will your parents. Then we all can put this behind us.”
Shari bit her lip. “I’m scared.”
“Don’t be. You’re not the first woman this has happened to, and you won’t be the last. You’re going to come out of this wiser and stronger, you’ll see.”
“Thank you for being so kind to me, Mrs. Banks. I love my mom, but with everything going on with her, she can’t really help me understand things the way you can. I hope one day I can be a great mother like you are.” She reached out for Lawson.
As Lawson hugged Shari, guilt began gnawing at her. There was no denying that she’d completely manipulated Shari, but if Lawson had to end one child’s life in order to save the life of her own child, so be it.
Chapter 21
“We’ve been together too long to let one low-life hussy
destroy what we have.”
–Angel King
The ladies all flocked to Lawson’s house after being summoned for a prayer vigil for Reginell, whose doctor had recommended that she have a hysterectomy because the endometriosis had spread to other parts of her body.
“I must say, you’re handling this remarkably well, Reggie,” Angel praised her following their prayers. “I’m proud of you.”
“What’s there to be proud of?” grumbled Reginell. “The endometriosis has spread, and the pain meds aren’t working. The on
ly option is for me to have a hysterectomy.”
“Yeah, but that doesn’t make you any less courageous for going through with it,” said Desdemona. “My cousin had one a few years ago, and it was a very tough decision for her to make. She thought it made her less of woman or something.”
“Doesn’t it?” asked Reginell. “I won’t be able to give my husband any babies.”
“The ability to bear children makes you a female, not a woman,” opined Lawson. “You have to look no further than Shari to see that.”
Reginell sulked. “It’s not even just that. I’ve been reading up on it. Hysterectomies can cause depression, emotional distress, and mood swings.”
“Reggie, trust me—a woman doesn’t have to have her uterus taken out for that to happen. My mood switches up real quick if there’s no chocolate around or if they run out of my favorite dipping sauce at Chick-fil-A!” said Kina.
“I can handle that part, but there are a lot of sexual side effects too. I read that it’s not as good after a hysterectomy.”
“That’s not necessarily true,” argued Angel. “Each woman’s body responds to the procedure differently.”
Kina was curious. “What are the side effects?”
Reginell made a face. “Vaginal dryness, for one. Who wants that?”
Desdemona nodded. “I didn’t want to bring that part up, but the hysterectomy totally changed my cousin’s sexual routine. She said it was never the same after that. Her husband actually said that making love to her was like walking through a cave! There was no feeling, no muscle tightening. It was like she was hollowed out. He said it was awful. Eventually, they both just gave up, and he married someone else.”
Reginell’s eyes widened. “A cave? Mark can’t deal with something like that! My man likes it tight and right.”
Lawson was indignant. “Why would you say that to her, Des? She’s scared enough as it is!””
“I think she should be prepared,” replied Desdemona. “My cousin wasn’t. When dealing with something like that, experience is not the best teacher.”