I search around the room for my clothes, but I can’t find anything that belongs to me, so I head to the bathroom where I took a shower last night. I take another glance at what I wear. A Without A Compass T-shirt and socks. Not the best attire to walk back to a bar. Speaking of which, where are my keys?
Just do it, I say, grabbing the door handle and wiggling it. “Ah!” I scream as I swing it open and two bodies fall into the floor. Matt and Tristan stare at me from their awkward position. Neither one moves. It’s as if they’re at a zoo and I’m the monkey about to do some kind of trick for them. I don’t. Instead, I wait for their reaction.
“Is everything okay?” Pria steps inside the room, looking at me as if I’m crazy. Right, I told a stranger my entire life. Poor woman. I bet now she . . . My eyes open wide. Did she tell them? No, she promised that it was between us. My story to tell at my own pace.
“Yeah, they fell when I opened the door and surprised me.” I point at the two who are now pushing themselves up off the floor. “Do you have my clothes by any chance?”
She shakes her head. “No. I already asked AJ to swing by your place and bring you clothes. I hope you don’t mind.”
“Can we talk?” Matthew asks stepping closer to me. “Pria, give us a moment, please?” Matt asks in a soft voice. Pria glances at me and I nod.
“Call me when you’re done,” Tristan says, turning around.
Matt grabs his arm before he leaves. “Where the fuck are you going? We have to talk to her.”
“We do.” Tristan turns back around. His unsettled eyes focus on Matt, as he continues speaking. “Last night we set a few rules. The two of us discussed our relationship—yours and mine. You talk your relationship with her, then I’ll discuss mine—with her. If after everything is said we come to an agreement, then we can try to find that unicorn we believe exists.” He then moves, and his gaze softens. “I love you, Butterfly. Every word I’ve said to you has been real.” He reaches into his pocket and hands me the crystal. “You can borrow it for as long as you need to remember what that symbolizes.”
I close my hand and squeeze my eyes as tears threaten to come out. The sound of the door closing snaps my eyes open. Tristan is gone; it’s only Matt and I in the room.
“Thea, I don’t know what happened to you last night,” he starts, holding my hand. “It scared me that I couldn’t do anything for you. Whatever it is, I want you to know you can tell me. We can get through any hardship together.” With his free hand, he brushes some strands out of my face and kisses my forehead. “I think I’ve said it a few times, and I’ll repeat this as many times as I need to, because it’s important for you to know it—to feel it. I. Love. You. No matter what, I’ll never harm you, use you, or let anything hurt you.”
I twiddle the crystal between my fingers, processing every word he’s saying. Rested from the previous night, my mind isn’t as closed as it was yesterday. My fears of falling back into the hole have lessened.
“Part of this,” he touches his heart, “belongs to you.”
Matt swallows before he speaks again. “I’ve never lied to you. From the beginning we’ve been honest with each other, only sharing what we were comfortable with, haven’t we?” I bob my head once. “You had full disclosure about Tristan and me. Yes, we fucked, but that was as far as we got. Feelings weren’t part of that equation. That doesn’t mean that today I don’t have feelings for him. I do. He owns the other part of my heart.” I smile, because that I knew. They belong, and it makes me happy that he’s accepting it, and I hope Coop is there too with him. “Butterfly, I’m in love with you, and I want you by my side for eternity.”
One, three, six . . . the beats skip as my heart accelerates. My brain only grasps two ideas from everything he said: I’m in love with you and by my side for eternity.
“What do you want in exchange for that?” I want to believe him, but not many offer anything for free. The thought makes me want to slap myself. Fuck. They’re residuals from yesterday’s flashback. The thoughts that usually destroy me.
“You, Butterfly. Your love.”
“Matt, what happened last night might happen again.” He crosses his arms and gives me a skeptical glance. “There are things I haven’t told you and I might never be able to. To this day, I have no idea how many sexual partners I’ve had. There’s so much, including that I might never let you touch me beyond a hug.”
“Counseling, couples counseling, and as long as I can hold you in my arms, I don’t care about the sex,” he says with a conviction I want to believe. “Unless you change your mind and you want sex, then I’ll care a lot and make it fun for you.” But he’s such a sensual man. How can that be? He wiggles his eyebrows. That makes me smile. He would make it fun. I love him.
“Give me time to assimilate everything.” I confirm what I’ve been thinking since the moment I wake up. “The image of the fat guy who . . .” His image was so vivid, even his name came back to me, but I don’t mention it because I don’t want Matt to connect the dots, and maybe realize more than I want him to.
“We can work it out, make it our goal. To trust each other. One day you might tell me everything, including who you were back then. I could look into it, but I’ll wait for you to give me that—because you trust me.”
I search inside my head and my chest. I love him so much and for the first time since I remember, I want to stay. “Okay.”
“And I want one of those too.” He points at the crystal, and I laugh. He sounds like a petulant child that didn’t receive a candy when the other one did. So I explain to him why and when I gave it to Tristan. Matt smiles. “We’ve always been connected, Butterfly. We just have to piece this in a way that we make it work. It’ll happen.”
“This is me, and I’ll always be with you. It’s the reminder that you’re not alone.” I take off my butterfly pendant, and take a few steps toward him and place it around his neck. “I love you, Matt, but last night I realized that I can’t handle a serious relationship just yet.”
“Can I hug you?” I nod and he envelops me inside those strong arms that I love so much. Once again I feel safe, and my confusion between who I should choose increases.
“One day I’ll ask you to marry me. We’ll have babies and the three of us will grow old together. You belong with me—with us.”
There’s a knock on the door that takes me back from the happy place I landed when he said that I belonged. Our conversation comes to an abrupt end, and I have to hold any further questions for now.
“Mattie?” The handle door wiggles and the door opens. “Mattie, sorry if I’m interrupting, but I have a bag with Thea’s clothes.” AJ doesn’t even wait for him to say anything before she enters.
“Knock on the effing door,” Matt growls. I wonder what stopped him from saying the word and find a baby girl smiling at him. A fuss of brown hair, big gray eyes, and chubby arms that make me want to hold her. “And wait to be let in, AJ. Place the bag on the floor and leave.”
“Say hi to Mattie, Gracie.” The baby grins wider and opens her arms trying to reach to where Matt and I stand. Matt untangles his arms and picks up the little girl who giggles when he holds her.
“He’s great with babies,” she says to me, handing me a small duffle bag. Then she extends her arms and hugs me. “Welcome to the family.”
My eyes widen and I look at Matt. Didn’t I say I’m not ready for a serious relationship, yet?
AJ releases me, claims Gracie from Matt, and then turns around again. “I’m . . . if you ever need anything, please call me. I’d love if we can be friends.”
“We’ll be downstairs, Mattie.” She finally disappears.
“Mattie?” A wicked smile grows as I ponder that nickname. “Really, big guy? Mattie?”
“She’s the only one allowed to call me that.”
“Not me?” I pout at him.
“You can call me whatever you want, Butterfly, as long as we can agree that we’re in a serious relationship. The rest will com
e with time.”
“Dream big, right, Matt?” I bring that up from one of our conversations, the one when I decided that pain didn’t make a good life. And I wish to be free, be alive, be part of him. One night shouldn’t take away my determination; it shouldn’t scare me away from who I love. I stretch out my neck, standing on my tiptoes, giving him a peck. “I love you, and I hope that when you learn everything about me, you can forgive me.” That’s all I have for him. Nothing more than a wish because I’m not ready to let that part be known.
After showering, I head to the living room where the entire Decker family sits. These people have been coming and going since seven in the morning waiting for Thea to come out of the room. She didn’t wake up until one, or at least that’s when she finally opened the door and let herself out of the room.
“You okay?” Chris Decker asks me for the fifth time, so I nod for the fifth time.
No. I’m not okay. Last night I discovered how fucked up my girlfriend is, and made a decision that I’m not sure I can live with. Matt and I are together, so I have to work out my internal shit because I don’t want to disappoint him. No. I don’t want to hurt him by hiding him because I’m ashamed of who I am.
We both agreed to fight for our girl—together. Translation: I have to come out soon. My therapist couldn’t see me today, but I'll be in his office on Monday at seven to discuss the amount of grief and guilt I’m carrying.
“I emailed you the list of counselors as you requested.” Chris attempts to open the conversation, again. “Are your parents supportive of—”
“My sexuality?” I finish the sentence for him. “No. They don’t support me. I’m Catholic, so you can imagine the amount of support my church will give me if I tell them that I like to make love to women but also be fucked by men.” Then I tap my temple. “I have my own set of issues, but I’m working on them.”
“TMI, dude,” Jacob blurts.
“As disturbing as it is to listen to that information,” Gabe says, smiling widely, “I like to think of it as karma, Christian, for all the uninvited information you’ve provided me throughout the years.”
“I was educating you, college boy.” The man smirks at his husband. “Tell you what, let’s head home later and I’ll teach you how great I can be as a bottom, but then you let me top all night.”
Jacob and AJ make gagging noises, and Christian turns back to me. “I hope your parents learn to accept you. If not, it's their loss. From now on you have us as your family too.”
Months ago that sentence would have bugged me. I’m of the idea that families aren't necessary to survive. Today I'm relieved to know that Matt’s family accepts me, and that they helped us with Thea. They matter a lot to him.
Matthew: She's showering. Do you want to come upstairs?
Cooperson: How is she?
Matthew: Troubled, but better. We need to discuss her living arrangements—today.
Cooperson: After I finish talking with her. I’m on my way.
My heart has a little ache pulsating along with its regular beat. It increases when I leave the bathroom and find Tristan sitting on top of the already-made bed. His palms rest on top of his thighs, his left foot taps lightly against the wood floor. My head matches the tapping tempo, as I avoid his eyes.
Matt and I agreed to things but the biggest thing I’m yet to agree to is doing it with two of them. Whoa, hold your horses there. It sounds like you’re jumping in bed and letting them both straddle you. No wonder you’re freaking out right now. It hits me why all those thoughts playing inside my head while showering almost made me puke. Sex. I glide my hand up and down my upper arm.
“Thea?” His sad voice calls to me and it’s so unsettling that I let out a whimper. “What’s wrong?”
“Me.”
He scratches the back of his ear, and his green eyes have that crinkle to them that’s only for me. Yes, I love him too. That ache? It’s because I want more than anything for our love to happen, to become as real as the sun on a cloudy day. You don’t see it, but it’s right behind the clouds warming up the entire world.
I scratch the floor with my toes, wanting to find out exactly what he said to them. “You told them about my childhood.”
“Sorry. You were dry-heaving and not wanting us to be near you. That whispering hurtful voice begging us not to touch you.” The sudden silence makes me look up and I see anguish in his eyes. “I wanted to hold you so badly, to let you know that no one will ever do anything to you—that you’re not alone.”
The pieces of my heart continue melting as they’ve done since Matt and I spoke, and some of them begin to absorb each other. Those shattered pieces aren’t from yesterday, but from childhood years when I needed a goodnight kiss or a hug. The question of this being a wise move ticks like a clock attached to a bomb. My logical side screams fix me before I take many more steps with them.
“There’s more I have to learn about myself before . . .” I lose the words.
“Thea?” He walks toward me and puts his arms protectively around me. “I’ll be whatever and whoever you want me to be. The only condition I ask is that you don’t push me out of your life. Matt and I love you, and no matter how long it takes, we’ll make this work.”
Being back in his arms feels so good. “I want you and Matt in my life.” I hug him hard because I know that by doing so, promising to be with Matt too, he’s already pushing his hard limit. Matt wouldn’t take him if we’re to become a closet couple—would he? Searching for an answer I decide that for now that isn’t important. At least not today. “I’m no longer running from my past, but I won’t be telling all yet. Can you accept that for now?”
“We’re all compromising, Butterfly, taking it a day at a time.” I mumble a yes on his chest.
“Of course, I have to work on myself too. The breakdowns don’t happen often but . . . it was everything.” I crank my neck and stare at him for a moment. “Even the stench of alcohol played a role in yesterday’s episode. Honestly, I doubt I can go back to work tonight.”
He releases me, and rubs his face with both hands. Uh-oh. Are they firing me?
“They raided the place. The fans.” He clears his throat. “Reed saved the guitars, but the booze, the rest of the equipment, and the Deckers’ stuff is all gone.”
My stuff, my apartment.
“Matt’s brother-in-law was able to get inside and retrieve some of your stuff,” he continues. “The insurance has to assess the damage. He’s working with them to let him pack all your belongings today.”
“Where am I supposed to live?” I go into self-preservation mode, thinking about the possibilities. My appointment with the realtor isn’t until Monday. This weekend I was going to look for a car and get the information about getting a driver’s license. “Wait a second. Pria, she offered her home.”
Tristan walks to the door, opens it, and yells, “Matthew, we need you.”
It doesn’t take long before Matthew storms inside the room, Pria and AJ behind. Jacob watches from the hallway. All eyes are on me, and I’m feeling crowded.
“What’s going on?” I ask, taking a few steps back finding my own space.
“We thought you needed help, or something?” AJ speaks, then points at Tristan. “He sounded desperate.”
The three-ring circus is complete, as the gray-eyed scary man from yesterday saunters into the room. “Good, everyone is here. I have a two-hour window to pack and get everything out starting in thirty minutes.” He turns to look at Matt. “Chris and Gabe are already printing their spreadsheet, so I guess at least one of them is going.” His focus is now on his wife. “I have to be there, so you and Gracie need to stay behind. The rest are going to help pack.”
What? It’s my place. Who gave him the right to organize my own move?
“Hey, wait a second,” I call, while he’s still ogling his wife.
He turns around and today he isn’t as intimidating. That half foot he has over me isn’t as bad . . . Well, a little more than
half foot, but still. That’s my home he’s talking about, and I’m not going to be kept away.
“Right, you’re the coordinator of this entire operation. After all, they are your belongings.” He then stretches his hand. “Mason Bradley. Sorry about yesterday. I wish we could’ve done things better.”
I shrug.
“Where am I going to live?”
“Here,” Matt offers.
“I wish that my old house was empty,” AJ mentions at the same time. “The renters are there until the end of January.”
“February,” Mason corrects her. “Dad’s old apartment?”
“Here is fine,” Matt insists.
“Not staying here, sorry. How much is the rent of that apartment, Mr. Bradley?” I ask Mason.
“I’ll have to ask him, but I doubt he’ll charge you much,” Mason says, smiling at me. “It is Mason, not sir or mister, and I’ll send him a message and let you know. We have to turn on the utilities and make sure it’s all working too. Maybe over the weekend you can stay here. Let’s go, people, we don’t have much time to evacuate that building as the insurance processors don’t want us to interrupt their work.”
The Decker patriarchs stay behind with AJ and the baby. In two cars we all head to my apartment. During the ride I learn that Mason has been part of the family for longer than I assumed. He’s the son of Dreadful Soul’s old bodyguard. A man who at some point decided to only be Chris’s security detail but coordinated the security for the entire band. Irony repeatedly slaps me in the face as I learn more and more details about this family. It gives me insight into my father’s past. Maybe that bodyguard can tell me who my father once was. Perhaps he met my mother too. Were they ever good, loving people? I think that’s the answer I want to know the most.
“Sunday dinner?” Matt asked earlier today.
“We have this tradition where the Deckers gather every Sunday. AJ brings her family, Jacob brings Pria, and I want to bring the two of you.”
I’m considering it, when Tristan says, “Of course, babe, we’ll go with you.”
Uncut (Unexpected Book 4) Page 20