by Meg Jolie
“And now how do you feel?” she demanded quietly.
He let out a low, bitter laugh. “Like hell. I wanted you but not at this expense. I should’ve been a better brother to him.”
“I know you never wished for this,” Quinn firmly said. “But you two worked things out in the end. Right? Jake said you did. And you know he had a lot of regrets, too. But it’s not worth holding onto them. You need to let them go and just move forward. That’s what life’s all about.”
“You sound like my mom,” Luke admitted.
Quinn forced a smile. “Funny, because that’s exactly where I got that from.”
“Yeah?” he asked with a small, forced smile of his own.
She nodded and was quiet for a moment before continuing. “Yeah. You’re not the only one that has let their head go somewhere it doesn’t belong.”
Now Luke was watching her, waiting patiently. She blinked back tears as she looked out his frosty window. “Quinnie?” he gently pressed. “Are you going to talk to me?”
She sighed, wondering if telling him was the right thing. She decided it was. They were friends. They’d always been able to talk to each other. They were just getting that back and she couldn’t afford to lose it. Not now.
“Remember what you asked the night before the wedding? You wanted to know what I would’ve said if you would’ve asked me out?” Before he could say anything she told him. “I would’ve said yes. For years, I would’ve said yes.”
He blinked at her for a moment, stunned into silence. Finally he said, “I don’t know what to do with that.” He wasn’t sure why she was telling him that now.
She shrugged. “This probably makes me a horrible person but every once in a while…I think about how different things would probably be, if you and I were together and Jake and I never were. I know how horrible that sounds.” She turned to him and made a guilty face. “But sometimes…most of the time…it still hurts so much and I just want to get away from it. And I wonder how different it would be if he and I hadn’t been together. But you’d still be dealing with losing your brother. And I wouldn’t have Carter…And it’s a really horrible thing to even think about…But I do…sometimes wonder,” she rambled.
She hoped she was making some kind of sense but she was not sure that she was. “I don’t regret a single second of being with Jake. But I still wonder. Even though I wish I didn’t because it seems like an insult to his memory. I can’t seem to stop myself, though.” She squeezed her eyes shut tight, embarrassed by her admission. Yet it was something she felt she needed to get out.
Luke pulled her into a hug. She felt herself relax against him.
“I just want things to be simple again. You know?” she quietly asked. Another tear trickled out and she wiped it away. “I mean, I remember digging through your mom’s glass jars, trying to pick the perfect one to keep fireflies in. How did we go from that to picking out a casket?” She let out a bitter laugh. “That sounds so selfish. But I just…I want to stop hurting. And sometimes I wish he and I were never together because if we hadn’t been together…it wouldn’t hurt like this. But then on the other side of that, I treasure every single second I had with him.”
“I know you do, Quinn. Whatever you feel right now? It’s okay. There’s no right or wrong. You’re just dealing and you can’t control your emotions. You shouldn’t expect to.” He was quiet for a few moments. Their emotions were so heavy, so oppressive, it was nearly suffocating. Yet, these were things they both needed to say.
“I’m glad he had you in his life. I really am. I had never seen my brother so happy. When he told everyone about Carter? He was just…you could tell he loved that kid already. I mean, from the second he found out. You know?” Quinn nodded. “And yeah, I hated it for a while. I really did. There were times when I never thought I’d forgive him but now…I’m glad he had you. I’m glad he had that kind of love in his life. You made him so happy.”
“Thanks, for saying that,” she said quietly. “But you have to stop feeling guilty, too.”
He let out another bitter laugh. “Your feelings…? They’re a whole lot different than mine were. You are just trying to keep yourself sane. My feelings were just plain spiteful. And now, I kind of hate myself for them. He’s gone and I spent way too much of my time wishing him away.”
“But you know he’d want you to be happy, right?” Quinn asked.
Luke blew out a breath as he released her. “Yeah, I do.”
“So what’s going to make you happy?” she asked.
He studied her face for a moment. She felt vaguely as though he were searching for answers that she didn’t have.
“I think…staying here. In Lanford,” he finally said. “I don’t know about being happy. That seems like a long way off. But staying here, that seems like the first step along the way. I think I need to be around my family.”
Quinn smiled at him, surprised that it wasn’t forced at all. His words had lightened her heart just a bit.
“Now,” Luke said as he turned in his seat, “we’d better get going. I’d hate to give your mom another reason to be annoyed with me.”
Quinn laughed because as she glanced at the clock, she realized it was probably too late for that.
*~*~*
“How did it go with Luke?” Carly demanded. She had a sleeping Carter curled up in her arms.
The baptismal brunch was over. They were back at Quinn’s. She had just a little while before she needed to head back to school again. When Quinn and Luke had arrived at Margo and Pete’s, it was clear by both of their moods that they’d had a pretty serious talk. She had been anxious for some time alone with her sister to find out what they’d discussed.
Quinn shrugged. “He just wanted to tell me that he had been thinking about moving back to Baxter. But now it sounds like he’s decided to stay here.”
Carly scoffed. “Of course he’s staying here. You’re here.”
Quinn narrowed her eyes at her sister. Her tone was firm. “There’s nothing going on with Luke and me. I may have felt something for him once. But that seems like a lifetime ago, Carly.” She didn’t feel it was necessary to point out that she thought Luke’s feelings had changed, too. After the talk they’d had, she had a hunch he felt too guilty to ever feel anything more than friendship for her ever again. But that was a private conversation between her and Luke. It wasn’t something she would ever share with anyone else. Not even Carly, whom she trusted with everything. “You realize that, right? That we’re only friends? That’s all we’ve ever been. That’s all we’ll ever be. You know that, don’t you?” she demanded.
Carly’s expression softened. She wondered exactly who Quinn’s words were meant to convince. Her sister? Or herself? Carly thought that maybe Quinn even believed what she said. However, she wasn’t so sure.
“What I know,” Carly said gently, “is that you and Luke have a history. And yes, it’s messy and some of it isn’t pretty. But you two, you’ve been through a lot together.”
“As friends,” Quinn stressed.
“You’ve always been more than just friends,” Carly calmly pointed out. “And I’m not saying that you two are going to rush into anything. Not today or tomorrow and maybe not even in a few months. But you and Luke…there’s something there with you two. There always has been.”
Quinn opened her mouth to protest. She was fuming. She wanted to tell Carly she was way out of line.
“It’s completely normal that you’re holding on to your memories of Jake,” Carly said softly. “But one day…you’re going to have to move on. He would want that for you. He would want you to let go. And when you do, Luke’s going to be there for you. Just like he’s always been.”
Letting Go will be released summer of 2013.
If you enjoyed Holding On, please continue reading an excerpt from Unexpected, a young adult romance.
UNEXPECTED
1
“I do look fat, don’t I?” Mom asked yet again. “My butt? It looks
like a marshmallow. A big. Fat. Pink. Marshmallow.” Her voice was full of despair. “I should’ve gone with black. Black is slimming. But I thought pink would be fun. Cute. Who am I kidding? I am too old for cute!”
At this point, I was fairly sure she was no longer talking to me. She’d probably forgotten I was even in the room.
“Mom.”
I was perched on the side of her bed. It was a few days after Christmas and we were both still on break for the holidays. Me, from high school, of course. Her, from the local university where she taught. We’d spent the morning shopping. Taking advantage of some fabulous sales. The outrageous evidence of our shopping spree was piled up at the foot of Mom’s bed.
She turned away from her full length mirror to look at me. Her expression was clearly fretful.
“You asked me for my opinion so I’m telling you, you look great. Not that it matters,” I said with a shrug. “Because aren’t you always telling me that if a man is only interested in looks, he isn’t worth being interested in at all?” I made an innocently questioning face.
She pursed her lips, sealing in whatever argument was running through her head. I had her verbally cornered.
She blew out a breath. “Right. You’re right. It’s just…”
I forced a smile. “I know Mom. Believe me, I know.” This was the first time in a really long time that my mother had a boyfriend after leaving my dad…and I was single. Thanks to my boyfriend, Corey…Ugh, ex-boyfriend, Corey, dumping me just a few weeks before Christmas. My long-term relationship had ended with a bang. Or make that a splatter. Because that’s what my heart did. It got torn out and splattered at my feet.
But Mom’s current relationship? Apparently it was still going full steam ahead.
I was glad. She deserved to be happy after what my jerk of a dad had done to her.
Dad left for greener pastures—in the form of Dori Miller. He found out quickly that if you can’t afford the manure––in the form of jewelry, flowers and fancy hotel rooms—the pasture dries up pretty quickly. Meaning? Dori left him when the judge handed his balls—in the form of alimony and child support—to Mom on a silver platter.
Dad’s balls on a silver platter? Those were Mom’s words, not mine.
It had been over two years since Dad left us. Mom’s always saying he left her, not me, because that’s what good moms do. And my mom? She’s the best. Even if she is wrong on a rare occasion.
At first, I didn’t see my dad much at all. It was my choice. I needed space. He hadn’t argued. After some time had passed, Mom insisted that what happened was between the two of them. She wanted me to try to rebuild our damaged relationship. As far as I was concerned, our relationship was tattered beyond repair.
Sometime before the holidays, he must’ve finally been struck by his guilty conscience because he started calling more than ever. Just because he’d decided to make that kind of change didn’t mean that I had to accept it. After half a dozen or so ignored calls I decided to make things easier on myself. I blocked his number from my phone. I wasn’t sure if he’d still been trying lately or not.
I didn’t know.
And I didn’t care.
That’s what happens when your dad becomes a real life cliché. Cheating on his wife with his secretary of all people. If that weren’t bad enough, I had the misfortune of being the one to catch him with his secretary. Only not at his office…On his desk…At his architectural firm.
It was in our living room. On my mom’s couch.
So much worse.
The couch is long gone. So is my dad.
Although the visual scars from that day remain.
Still, Mom and I have moved on.
I mentally threw my shoulders back and took a deep breath. “I think I might have to meet him soon.”
“Who?” Mom carefully asked, though I was sure she knew. She just didn’t want to be wrong. She carefully wriggled out of the cute, puffy pink ski pants. She’d been trying them on for her upcoming romantic getaway.
“This dreamy guy of yours,” I teased.
As a rule, I didn’t meet the men my mom dated. We’d decided neither of us needed that complication. And to be honest, barging in on one parental tryst in my lifetime had left me a little leery about being even remotely aware of my parents’—separate—romantic exploits.
I wanted her to date. I just didn’t want to think about it. Or anything it may entail. If I didn’t have to. Or be involved in it in any way. That included meeting whomever she was with. And there’d been quite a few over the last two years.
To borrow my grandma’s terminology, Mom was a catch.
Also in the wise words of Grandma, Dad left Mom for a hussy. A tramp. A floozy. Or, well, basically a home-wrecking trollop.
The trollop had done her job, wrecked my family, and then hadn’t stuck around to assess the damages. She’d just hightailed it out of Dad’s life. I had no interest in his current dating status. Keeping track of Mom’s was more than enough.
The first man she dated after my dad was Joe Sandstrom. While that in itself may not be so bad, his daughter, Heidi made it less than desirable. She’s a year younger than me. She’s the kind of girl that seems so cute and sweet from afar. But get to close and she’s like a little hedgehog. Adorable on the outside but prickly as can be the second you get close enough to touch.
I know this because I’d made the mistake of trying to befriend her. I realized now how dumb that was. I mean, it wasn’t as if I really thought anything would come of our parents together. But I’d wanted to reach out just in case. On that teeny, tiny miniscule little chance that we’d be step-siblings someday.
She had not appreciated the effort on my part. After that, I’d decided I was better of not knowing whom Mom was dating for a multitude of reasons. Avoiding the odd desire to ingratiate myself to people that didn’t want to have anything to do with me, being the biggest.
On top of the Heidi issue, I thought there was a good chance Mom had dated my volleyball coach. One afternoon last fall, I’d twisted my ankle. He’d had to call her in. There had been an excessive amount of flirting on his part. She’d started seeing someone shortly after that. I did not want to know if she’d been seeing him.
Because he was also my World Literature teacher. And thinking about him and my mom together would’ve been too much of a distraction. Dissecting literary masterpieces was hard enough without imagining how he was entertaining my mom every Friday night.
So, neither of us saw the sense in me meeting her dates. The exception would be if she ever got serious enough that she thought she was dating The One. To me, that just seemed logical. Personally, I thought this current guy just might be that one. I hoped so because my mom had never been so happy. Not even with my dad.
At least, not that I ever remembered.
She smiled, her nose crinkling just a little. “Did you just call him dreamy?” she mocked.
I nodded. “I think I’m ready to meet him. Soon. Anyone that makes you this happy? I like him already.” They’d been dating since this past fall. Four months, give or take. She had even disappeared for a while Christmas morning to see him for a bit. I hadn’t minded. I had things to do, myself. I’d walked over to my best friend’s house so we could exchange gifts.
“I’m happy to hear that.” Mom’s face melted into a smile.
I wondered, for the millionth time, what the hell my dad was thinking when he left her. Dr. Lila Monroe was beautiful with long, strawberry blond hair. She had incredible ocean-blue eyes. I looked like a younger, shorter, but completely washed out version of her. Well, that was my opinion, anyway.
Maybe I didn’t look like her at all.
And she was smart, too. An Economics professor at our local university and furthermore, smart enough to leave her lying, cheating husband.
Without a backward glance.
His loss, no doubt.
Mom still had that goofy look on her face, and I thought maybe she had more to say but she didn’t.
She just stood there, gazing off into nothing. Her chest heaved under a sigh. She was probably already thinking of her upcoming weekend.
“Just smile like that,” I teased her. “And you won’t have to worry about him checking out your butt at all.”
I was rewarded with having her snow pants whipped at me. I caught them and tossed them back.
“Are you sure you’re okay with me going away?” she asked. She folded up the snow pants and placed them beside me on the king-sized bed. She’d moved on to a bag that held two new pairs of shoes. “I mean, Powder Ridge is a few hours away. It’s not like I’d just be able to jump in the car and be here if something came up.”
I nodded. “Of course it’s fine. If anything comes up, I’ll call the Jacobs. I think you need a weekend away.” Mom put in a lot of hours at the university. She also put in a lot of hours at home because she was always bringing work back to the house with her. “Seriously, if anyone deserves some fun, it’s you. And I know you haven’t been skiing in forever.” I didn’t throw in that she hadn’t gone skiing since my dad left. Skiing used to be their “thing”. It’s how they met. I was also pretty sure that’s why she hadn’t gone skiing since he disappeared from our lives. Because it reminded her too much of him. And neither one of us needed that. But since I knew she enjoyed it, I was glad she wasn’t letting him stop her anymore.
“I know. It’s just…” She faded off. She’d never left me home alone before. Not overnight, anyway and definitely not for the whole weekend.
“Mom, I’m seventeen!” And a senior. And the youngest of my friends thanks to a late-July birthday. But there was no reason to point that out. “Next year at this time, I’ll be on my own.” I didn’t point out I’d be on the other end of the country, going to college in Florida. I was excited about it. She was not.
She slowly nodded and gave me “the look”. The wistful, sad one that said her baby was growing up way too fast. That look made me squirm. It’s not like it was my fault that time insisted on creeping by.