“But I should come with you.”
“No. I don’t want you there.” I signalled to Mia, who was just sitting back down. “Will you come?”
Her eyebrows lifted in surprise, then she quickly gathered up her purse and moved past our mother.
Chapter Twenty
THE NURSE TOOK me to a locker and handed me a green johnnie shirt. She told me to wait for the doctor in examination room number six, and warned me that he was slightly behind schedule, so it could be a half hour, or more, before we got started.
Got started. That seemed, to me, a grim turn of phrase, considering that we were about to bring my short-lived pregnancy to an end.
I felt dizzy as I climbed onto the crinkly paper on the table. I glanced at the shiny stirrups and imagined placing my heels in them. How long would it take? How much pain would there be?
I laid my hand on my stomach where my baby was. He, or she, was alive inside me and growing. Mom kept telling me ‘it’ was no bigger than a walnut, but that didn’t make any difference to me. Not in that moment while I waited for the doctor to arrive.
“You still look like crap,” Mia said.
“I don’t feel so good,” I replied, hopping off the table to stand on my feet.
“Are you going to be sick again?”
All at once, a vivid image of this baby invaded my consciousness, and I could see her as a little girl, five years old and laughing. With red hair just like mine. The sound of her laughter was as real in my mind as any flesh-and-blood human being standing before me, and her joy was contagious. I experienced an immense infusion of love, as if someone had pumped it into my veins, and I knew at once that I had to leave that room.
“I can’t do it,” I said to Mia. “I have to have this baby. I don’t know what I’m going to do yet, but if I have to put her up for adoption, then that’s what I’ll do.”
My sister didn’t question my decision or ask what had changed my mind. She simply nodded – as if she’d already known it would come to this – and rose to her feet.
“Let’s get out of here,” she said.
I couldn’t reach the door fast enough.
When Mia and I pushed through the doors to the waiting area, my mother turned pale as a sheet. She lowered her novel and frowned at me.
“Are you finished already?”
“Yes, I’m finished,” I replied, not stopping to explain.
Feeling the curious stares of two other pregnant women in the room, I locked eyes with one of them. She smiled at me, as if she knew I was like her... that I, too, had a tiny, special life growing inside of me, and wasn’t it wonderful?
You’re doing the right thing, a voice whispered inside my head. Was this my conscience? My higher self? Or was I reading that woman’s thoughts? Could pregnant women communicate through telepathy? Was there some sort of magic at work here? Or was I going mad?
I walked out of the hospital without waiting for my mother, who learned from Mia that I had changed my mind. They stayed to explain my decision to the nurse at the desk, while I waited by the locked car in the sunny parking lot.
Mia later told me everything she had said to Mom, and I will never forget what she did for me that day, and how she spared me the ordeal of fighting for what I wanted and needed.
Mia told our mother in no uncertain terms that if she or Dad questioned or criticized my decision, they would lose me forever and never know their future grandchildren.
She was my buffer that day, my protector, and my friend.
When Mom arrived at the car and unlocked it, she said, “Well, I suppose we’re going to have to come up with a new plan.”
I climbed into the back seat with no idea what that plan would be. All I knew was that I needed to see Glenn.
Chapter Twenty-one
I RODE MY bike to the school as soon as we got home. Basketball practice was over, but the coach had the team gathered on the bench for a pep talk.
As soon as they finished, Glenn spotted me, picked up his gear, and jogged to the door where I stood waiting. His hair was tousled and damp with perspiration, and his white cotton T-shirt clung wetly to his skin.
“I didn’t expect to see you here,” he said. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I replied, and immediately burst into a clumsy mixture of laughter and tears.
“What happened?” he asked, confused by my response.
“I couldn’t do it,” I told him. I was crying more than laughing, but they were happy tears, except that I was shaking all over, terrified to imagine what our future held. “Dad’s going to be so angry when he finds out. I don’t know what he’s going to do. What if he was serious about moving away? I can’t do this without you.”
Glenn dropped his bag and pulled me into his arms. He smelled of clean, fresh sweat, and when I pressed my lips to his cheek, I tasted salt.
“Everything’s going to be okay,” he whispered.
“Are you mad at me?”
I wondered if he might have preferred for me to go through with the abortion.
He held me at arm’s length and looked into my eyes. “Mad? Never. I just wish I could have been there with you, and I’m sorry I let your parents pressure us. Deep down I knew it wasn’t right. I knew you’d regret it.”
“Yes, I would have, but now I don’t know what we’re going to do.”
“We’ll get through it,” he said. “I promise. I still want to marry you.”
“Are you sure?”
He took my face in his hands and kissed me hard. “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.”
And on that day, I believed him.
Chapter Twenty-two
I WISH I could tell you that we were married a few weeks later and lived happily ever after, but fate was not so kind.
First of all, my father refused to give us permission to marry. He told us that we had to be eighteen. Years later I learned that if you’re pregnant, the parental consent requirement can be waived. Maybe I was naïve, but it didn’t occur to me to doubt what my father told us about the law.
Dad wanted me to go live with his sister in Boston for the duration of my pregnancy and give birth there – so that no one would ever know of my disgrace. He also wanted me to put the baby up for adoption. I couldn’t agree to that – I still wasn’t sure – but we did reach a compromise. I promised to consider his wishes, and when I began to show, I genuinely believed it was the best option.
I was trying to be selfless, you see. I wanted to put the baby’s needs before my own, and wouldn’t it be better for a child to be raised by parents who at least had a high school diploma?
Sometimes I fantasized about my baby being adopted into one of the wealthy families in town – the ones whose kids went to Ivy League colleges. Those families owned yachts and spent their summers up in Nova Scotia, where they won sailing trophies during Chester Race Week. What I wouldn’t give for my child to have all the things I would never have.
Money wasn’t everything, of course, and I knew that. There were plenty of responsible middle-class couples in the world that couldn’t have children of their own. Maybe this was meant to be. Maybe it was why I was put here on this earth – to provide this gift to a woman who desperately wanted a child and deserved happiness. Was it possible that I was meant to connect with her?
These were questions I often pondered. I wondered why this was happening to me. There had to be a reason, surely. There had to be some sort of logic to this unexpected bomb that had exploded in my life. A purpose to the things I didn’t ask for, or want.
Don’t misunderstand me. I wanted my baby, more than anything in the world. I bought lottery tickets each week, hoping I would win the jackpot, and all my problems would be solved. I could buy a quaint little house with a white picket fence, and Glenn wouldn’t have to work at the grocery store to support us. He could go to college, and when he graduated and our child started kindergarten, I would take my turn with higher education.
I imagine y
ou are shaking your head. I can hardly blame you. I’ve always been a dreamer, wanting the impossible. Every night I looked up at the stars and wished for a good life for my baby. I didn’t know what that life might entail. I was flexible in that area. I just wanted her to be happy and to know that she was loved and would have everything I wanted for her.
If only the future could have been so perfect.
Chapter Twenty-three
WHEN MY FATHER refused to give consent for us to marry, I believe he was clinging to the hope that I would eventually see reason and agree to put the baby up for adoption, and things would go back to the way they were.
I wanted to keep all options open, so I struck a deal with him. If I lived with his sister during my pregnancy, he would give us permission to get married after the child was born – no matter what I decided about the adoption. To my surprise he agreed to that proposal.
So I was sent to Boston for my ‘confinement’ as Glenn referred to it, because it all seemed so medieval.
To be honest, I wasn’t sorry to leave Bar Harbor when I began to show. I didn’t relish the idea of being at the center of a small town scandal and becoming fodder for all the voracious gossips.
So at least one decision was made: We were all going to keep it secret until the baby was born.
“I don’t want this,” Glenn said to me the night before I left.
He had come over to help me pack and say good-bye. He promised to visit, of course, but not often because he was saving every penny he earned for a deposit on a small apartment, just in case we found ourselves signing a marriage certificate in six months’ time.
I zipped up my suitcase and sat down beside him on the edge of my bed. “I don’t want it either,” I said, “but it’ll be worth it in the end if Dad lets us get married.”
“How do you know we can trust him? What if he still refuses, even after you do what he asks?”
I laid my hand on Glenn’s knee and shrugged lightheartedly. “Then we’ll move in together. He can’t stop me from doing that, and I suspect he’d rather see me legally wed than living in sin.”
Cradling my chin in his hand, Glenn leaned close and kissed me. His lips were soft and warm and my body melted into his as my heart swelled with the love I felt for him. At the same time, I was in agony, for I didn’t know how I was going to live without him for the next six months.
I wrapped my arms around his neck. “I hate this.”
“Me too.” He eased me onto my back and stroked my hair as he leaned over me. “I never imagined I could love someone like I love you. And I will love you until the day I die.”
“Me, too.”
His lips touched mine and we clung to each other on my bed. Then the sound of my father’s footsteps tramping up the stairs forced us to sit up and let go of each other.
Chapter Twenty-four
Five months later
JUST LIKE THAT woman I had seen in the hospital many months ago, I was, by now, as big as a barn, and had a habit of rubbing my hand over my belly in a soothing manner. I even talked to my belly. We had intelligent conversations about all sorts of things.
Maybe it was because I was alone in Boston with only my aunt as a roommate. I attended the local high school, but mostly kept to myself. It wasn’t difficult, because everyone knew I was ‘the pregnant girl from away,’ who would leave at the end of the year.
You don’t know how grateful I am, today, that there was no Facebook back then.
I can at least report that I grew very close to my aunt. Her name was Angela, and she was my father’s youngest sister. She was single and gorgeous and worked as an account manager for an advertising firm downtown. I loved the way she dressed in classy suits with skinny skirts and high heels. She was such a modern city woman. Part of me envied her freedom and lifestyle, for I knew it was highly unlikely that I would ever achieve such success – not if I never graduated from high school, which was a very real possibility if I kept this baby. Yet, I was content with my lot. I knew this baby would be special.
Mia wrote to me often and told me to ‘hang in there.’ She believed that when push came to shove, Mom and Dad would do what was necessary to help Glenn and me finish school.
I wasn’t so sure about that, but I remained ever hopeful.
And Glenn... I missed him so much, there were days I feared I might turn to dust and blow away on a light breeze. If not for his letters, which arrived dependably each day – they were handwritten; we didn’t have email yet – I might have packed it in and returned home before my due date. His words of love and encouragement kept me from jumping onto the next train.
I read those letters so many times, I could have recited them all by memory. I still have them today. They are locked away in a small cedar box at the back of my closet, and every once in awhile I dig them out. I like to remember those days of young love. We were so passionate and full of hope for the future.
I also have Mia’s letters, but I don’t often read them. It’s too painful, especially the last one, where she wrote to tell me that she had a wonderful surprise for me.
Chapter Twenty-five
MIA’S SURPRISE TURNED out to be the sound of her knocking on Angela’s door late one Saturday morning, three weeks before my due date.
“What are you doing here?” I squealed with delight as I pulled her into the apartment and hugged the daylights out of her.
She looked gorgeous as usual, and had a new spiral perm, a flashy red purse, and the cutest pair of black and white high top sneakers.
“I wanted to surprise you,” she replied, “and bring you this.” She held up a small black bag.
“What is it?” I took it from her, peered inside, and laughed out loud. “It’s Bubba!”
My sister had brought the teddy bear I hugged and loved almost my entire life. He was freshly laundered and wore a cute new dress. Forget that he was a male bear. Mia loved skirts.
“I thought you might like to give him to your little one, because he’s full of love, remember?”
Of course I remembered. Mom made Bubba with a Butterick pattern when I was born, and when I was six years old, I sewed a tiny felt heart, stuffed it with cotton, and she helped me rip apart the seam at his side to insert it into his chest.
I hugged Bubba tight. “It’s perfect, Mia. I’m so glad you thought of it. Well, don’t just stand there. Come in. Are you hungry? I’m hungry all the time. Did you eat on the train?”
“I had a sandwich,” she said. “Where’s Angela?”
“At work.”
“On a Saturday?”
“Yeah. She has a big presentation on Monday. Such is the life of a busy career woman.”
Mia set her suitcase down in the hallway and followed me into the living room.
Angela lived in a two-bedroom apartment with somewhat dingy wall-to-wall carpeting, a tiny kitchen, but a spectacular view of the city. She lived on the sixteenth floor of a highrise, which meant the sunsets were spectacular. Later, I would miss those sunsets, after I moved home.
“How are Mom and Dad?” I asked, setting the kettle on the stove to make tea.
Mia sat down at the table and shrugged out of her jacket. “They’re fine. Everything’s as normal as can be, but Mom told me to give you this.” She reached into her purse and withdrew an envelope, which she slid across the table.
I moved closer to pick it up. It was a business-sized envelope with no name or address written on the outside. It was not a greeting card, as I might have expected.
I broke the seal and found one hundred dollars cash inside. “What’s this for?”
“For whatever you might need,” Mia replied. “She didn’t mention it to Dad. She handed it to me very discreetly when she drove me to the train station this morning.”
“Tell her thank you,” I said. I slipped it into my purse, which hung on the back of a kitchen chair. Then I went to check to make sure the kettle was heating up.
“How long can you stay?” I asked Mia.
&
nbsp; “Just until tomorrow night. I have to get back for work on Monday.”
I felt a thickness in my throat and wanted nothing more than to pack my things and return home with her on the train, sleep in my own bed, see my friends, and be with Glenn.
Only three more weeks, I told myself. Then I can go home.
Little did I know that it would happen sooner than that, and when I returned to Bar Harbor, life would never be the same again.
Chapter Twenty-six
THAT NIGHT, ANGELA took us to her favorite pizza place. I ate three large slices, knowing full well that I would pay for it later with a spell of heartburn that would keep me up most of the night.
It was not heartburn that woke me at 5:00 in the morning, however. I sat up when my bedroom door creaked open and Angela appeared as a silhouette against the harsh light from the hallway.
Mia, who slept on a foam mattress on the floor beside me, sat up as well. We squinted at Angela. She wore a white silk, knee-length nightgown, and stood in silence like a phantom, breathing heavily as if she had just run a marathon. I wondered if she was sleepwalking.
“What’s going on?” Mia asked.
Angela took an unsteady step forward, then sank to her knees. I knew immediately that something was wrong and flung the covers off to leap out of bed. I rushed to her side and knelt down. “What’s wrong, Angela?”
She laid a hand on her chest. “I can’t breathe. I think I’m having a heart attack.”
Mia leaped to her feet. “Oh, my God. Should we call an ambulance?” she asked me.
“Yes.” I pointed to the door. “Go call 911. Tell them what’s happening, give them our address, and tell them we’re on the sixteenth floor. We’ll have to buzz them in when they arrive.”
Mia ran out while I remained with Angela. “Try and stay calm,” I said, helping her to lie down on the floor, not knowing if that was the right thing to do or not. “You’re going to be fine. The ambulance will be here soon.”
The Color of Heaven Series [02] The Color of Destiny Page 5