by Janice Ross
"No, we’re fine." Rhys' words became harsh and carried a hint of annoyance.
"Fine, guy." Unlike only moments earlier, he broke the slower pattern to hustle off.
"I’m sorry." My apology vibrated on a navy-blue V-neck. As much as I wanted to add space from the warmth of his arms, I simply wasn’t able to let him go.
"Nothing like the scent of the ocean," I opened up without knowing exactly why.
"And the way the wind carries the breeze to your face," Rhys added.
"You love the water?" My heart raced. I wanted him to say no. God, I need us to have something out of sync, especially with this magical energy that was hellbent of drawing us together.
"As far back as I can remember. Most everyone loved the country clubs and pools on rooftops of high-rise buildings. Not me, I'm a sand guy. I prefer an open body of water without an immediate end."
"Me too." I should've lied, but didn't have the energy for the deception. Instead, we gazed out through the rails of the walkway and found comfort in the infinite travels of the open seas.
After a few more minutes, we eased up, eventually getting to our feet. Rhys busied himself with my hair and coverup, which had come off of my shoulders. He pressed his palms to my cheeks, only to slide two fingers down to my lips and chin.
His touch sparked something foreign in me. I wanted to keep him close, to always be as one. He ignited a desire, an energy, a longing I seemed to have forgotten. One that I never knew existed either. This scared the life out of me because Zachary had never had this level of effect on me.
I should've let go, but I didn't. I allowed Rhys' presence to own me, if just for this brief time. And every time I got comfortable, I literally heard Mom's insistence to find myself. Her reminders of my relationship with Zach somehow helped to maintain my sanity.
Mom’s words became more real to me than the guy attempting to soothe my cares at this very moment. But how could I align with the words of a cynic? I twisted out of his grip, and willed myself away.
"You can’t leave again without giving up your number, or at least taking mine."
I moved like the world was on my shoulders, cautious and worn down. Even as his eyes begged me to give in, I knew better. Mom’s words should’ve been my guide on how to navigate the universe. I tried not to listen as always, but I did this once. Quite frankly, this guy's presence tricked me into acceptance.
~
With the exception of the usual nagging from my mom, life was normal for me. The biggest issue I had to deal with was the times Zach spent away at school. Our love was strong enough to withstand the distance. I had faith in him. God knows, I'm not some flaky chick with zero loyalty. My relationship spanned close to two decades, and I'll be damned if I was willing to throw that away. True love was meant to be fought for, not brushed aside. Screw the whole out of sight out of mind BS. Zachary Marlowe and me had a history beyond the drama–the resolution should've been a no-brainer.
Yet, the day I decided to follow Chantele, common sense turned to putty. And that just so happened to be the day I first met Rhys.
"What are we doing here, Rhys?" The words nearly got stuck in my throat. I was ten times more emotional than I should've been.
"It's not obvious? I mean, seriously. We’re two adults with a kick ass connection."
As accurate as his words were, I couldn't bring myself to accept them.
"Don't be a prick–"
"Why, because you know it's true?"
My arms flew up, adding an invisible barrier between our bodies and putting an end to the embrace which should've never been.
"I have a boyfriend," I screamed loudly. My head throbbed over my reaction. Weak was an understatement. I should've been seen as pathetic. The only thoughts capable of registering in my mind were the ones reminding me of my attraction to this stranger with issues. The internal voices meant to scold me weren't doing a good job of settling things down.
I flitted away, running like hell. My life, sanity for that matter, depended on me leaving this stranger alone. In flight, with neither foot guiding my way but both willing to run for the sake of my heart which already belonged to another, I welcomed the constant abuse of the wind. Might as well have been running in circles. I was lost both inside and out, racing through a world that only became more confusing with each step. The tears also began staining my cheeks just as Rhys caught me, wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me back into the welcoming warmth of his body. Talk about a fricken pattern. I let the waters flow. They penetrated my defenses in a way that I never knew possible.
"We can't deny what's here, Chanel." He palmed the back of my head with one hand. "Some things are destined to happen. If you only knew what I just went through, but then you came along." His lips landed across my forehead. Light kisses penetrated my eyelids, cheeks and lips. Suddenly, it felt good, serene and right. I parted to let him in, though at the same time I released a piece of me. The connection caused a permanent crack in a perfect world, one that might've never been able to be filled. What hurt the most, however, was that I knew better. My kisses weren't mine to give away like this. I had no right to toy with another person's life. I accepted responsibility still, even when my fingers ran along the length of his neck to find a home in the silky warmth of his cinnamon-colored hair.
No amount of words could've captured this exchange. There was no way to sum up the passion being transferred between us two. I let go, for now, that night under a glowing northeastern moon. It was the type of setting you were warned about, when the moon helps release the animalistic side of creatures. We'd traveled far enough, out of public view. We'd drifted deep enough, into the souls of each other. We'd pushed the boundaries wide enough that there might never be saving from each other.
The vibrations of my cell brought about an out. It ticked at me until the ringing ended only to start back up again.
I let it continue.
The same pattern occurred again.
"Rhys," I mumbled to his lips. He could see no further than the hunger. "Rhys ..." Using my hand to put space between our bodies I added, "Wait."
He let up without fully letting go. I wasn't able to see anything more than my sparkly reflection hidden in his pupils. For a brief time, I felt comfort in knowing this fine as hell guy craved me in such a way. Comfort…that was until reality came knocking.
"Zachary," flashed across the screen. I was reminded of my promise, my eternal love. To everyone else, he was nicknamed Zach. I called him Zachary because I loved the way his full name caressed my lips. Moreover, when we were young, I struggled with saying his entire name. When I finally got it, the heavens seemed to open up.
My near two-decade relationship hung in the balance. There was no way for me to reconcile the fact that although I'd spent my life loving another guy, I now freely sought to give myself away. Over the years, Zach and I had grown into a life where truth, loyalty and love mattered. We'd spent years laying the groundwork for a future, planning how things would be. Loving and being loved.
Oh God, I'm a horrible person.
"I can't do this, Rhys."
"You're willing to overlook us?" he asked in a low breath. His hand rested at the left side of his chest like he needed to hold his heart in place.
"Oh my gosh, what've I done. I'm sorry." The moisture became too difficult to hold onto. In fact, the more I tried, the greater the sting. One after the other, I had no choice. Tears flowed, escaping the confines of the dam I'd created. "My boyfriend doesn't deserve to be cheated on. I've never considered messing around, never came close. Then I meet you. Next thing you know, we’re practically making out, something I’ve never even done with him."
"If he's such a great guy, why not? And where is he?"
"That's none of your damn business."
"Don't you see?" Rhys' fingers brushed along the side of my face. This time, I refused to let them linger. The slightest touch brought me down to nothing, stripped away the last ounce of sense I had left.
/>
We had to stop. I had to remind myself. A few hours of knowing someone held little to no weight over what I'd developed over the years with Zach. I'd taken this much further than it should've gone. We no right to be standing next to each other, much less kissing like this shit gave life and groping like we both offered the source of all goodness in the world.
Even while swearing him off, I welcomed more. His tongue glided between my lips. He had no need to force himself on me. I was willing and able to take in whatever he dished out, to sacrifice an all-consuming love for a sinfully burning passion. We tossed ourselves into the fire, forgetting our separate lives. Rhys' fingers wrapped around my curly tresses. He yanked my head back in order to make getting at me easier. I returned the favor with my fingers, though I glided his lips down to my neck.
"Ahhh," I blew into his mouth. This sadistic tormentor made me fricken conflicted–brutally desperate and hateful.
"You need this. Damn Chanel, you need me." His teeth sunk into the side of my neck. Next thing I knew, a warming sensation swarmed down in my treasure. "You're fucking perfect!"
Me, perfect? That's where he went wrong. Only tainted chicks screwed around on good guys. Perfect guys.
Get your life, Chanel! It's slipping through your fingers.
But I wanted Rhys. In the face of compiled memories of Zach and me, I found it hard to ignore the tragedy of what I so badly wanted. Lowering my eyelids, I hoped to avoid seeing him. No longer inhaling, I hoped to avoid the essence of his air and the powerful scent of him. Letting go, I hoped to gain freedom from the fire I couldn't help but get a grip ahold of.
"Please leave me alone. Whatever you think is there is all in your mind." After I'd spoken one set of words only to unleash a counteractive passion, I had to make it known I was not up for grabs.
"I can't, Rhys."
This time when I turned away from the guy I'd only seconds ago been craving like water in the pits of hell, I stepped slowly. I forced my mind to be steady and in doing so, I could've only hoped to carry out the deceit. I wanted him so badly the urges slashed at my inner walls. Rhys was the fire you couldn't help but touch, the poison you'd gladly swallow, the torture you'd freely endure.
XVI.
Rhys
~
The clicking of Chanel's heels faded with her increased distance. Each step poked at me, in the gut to be exact. I watched her get further away, until she suddenly ended the flight to stand at the edge of the water. I followed, being yanked by this invisible connection only I could feel. Some lessons shouldn't be hard to learn. Still, women were a book I was beginning to fear.
The City was a fairly big place and prior to the first day we'd met, I hadn’t been aware of her existence. She hadn’t been aware of mine. And now, for two strangers whose paths hadn't crossed before, we kept drifting together. What's there to do beyond hope for the next opportunity because I can't help but wonder if, no when, we'd finally get it right? I'm not a lost cause, never was a dreamer.
When some of the guys I'd grown up with reached out earlier to invite me to party, I had no intentions of going. Lisle was finally in a better place. A sixth sense nudged me to get off of my ass and come down here. As I prepared to crossover onto the yacht, I saw her–the girl who'd left an impression on my soul. After her behavior today, however, I couldn’t help but wonder if I hadn't solidified a place in her soul also, whether or not she had some boyfriend who never seemed to be around.
I refused to let her go.
Not yet, definitely not now.
I wasn't just curious, I was intrigued about the things that might've been setting her off. Chanel stood close to the edge of the pier, staring intently into the water. Actually, it seemed like she was ready to leap in. Or maybe I was the one projecting my wishes onto her. The entire setting was kinda like sparks from the embers of a fireplace. That crap was bound to singe the hell out of your skin, but you couldn't resist getting near.
"I won’t mess with you," I promised before she could run off again. Whenever her silky skin rested next to my fingers, I got the wildest rise ever. Oh god, I craved a touch, a taste.
Memories of the night at NYU-Tisch came back to me. I'd already seen her vulnerable side. I craved it. She’d revealed just a little this time. But the action wasn't rushed. I inhaled an almost watermelon fragrance trailing with the wind. My feet took me closer. For a chance to understand her more or just plain treasure her calmness, I would stand completely still and not ask for anything beyond a friendship.
Chanel let out a heavy sigh. Her shoulders rounded as she slumped into my side. "The water looks peaceful," she said underneath her breath. It carried a bit of meaning which I understood without entirely knowing her hang up. "Rhys, you think it's possible to strip your mind?"
Boy did I. "To forget about the past? About life?" I made her reflections mine because this was my need in order to move forward. I set my eyes on her pupils. They sparkled with a freshness I can't remember seeing from anyone else. Chanel wore a special breed of innocence that easily slashed away any doubts.
"The bad stuff. I wanna keep the good." Her answer came as a quick declaration.
"The good and bad are connected in most cases." A mass of emotions gathered in my chest. My own words became internalized. The good shit gave me hope while the bad shit kept me grounded. "You don't wanna live in a bubble. It might just be about learning to deal with both. Too much good will lead you into a false sense of security. Rely on the bad to keep you grounded."
"What if there's no good left? What if you screw things up so badly that all good leaves?" Her palms sought out my chest. Thick tears clung onto her pupils much like the way her fists now captured my shirt. Seemed like we were talking about the past, but had somehow made it into the present. Just maybe I could use this opportunity to create a future which might offer some amount of good.
I don't know why I cared, but I did.
"Give me your number, and I'll try my best to do good by you." Whatever my promise meant, I savored the meaning. These words had never been mine to anyone besides Maggie. Chanel opened me up to wanting more than an existence all by myself, something I’d recently started swearing off. I wanted to belong again, already. I’m not talking about that ownership shit I’d had with Maggie. I wanted to be on one level with Chanel. I was never one for falling or any first sight bull. Yet, something seemed to be shifting between us, and that something didn't quite feel wrong or bad.
"I’m sorry, Rhys. I can’t." Her palms rested at the sides of my face while tipping up to meet me. "I won’t lie about my feelings. From the moment we met, I felt a fire."
"Of course you did. There’s no denying what’s already there." Laying her fingers to my lips, she silenced me. I further responded with a gentle kiss.
"I’ve sworn my all to the most incredible guy in the world. I can’t walk away from that. Our connection, Rhys, can’t go any further than right here."
"You’re–"
"It’s not right. You know that. Besides, how would you feel to know that your girl was screwing around with some other guy? Consider that." Although the sparkle hadn’t left from her pupils, the tone of her voice had grown deeper. I listened to the reasoning she now presented, admittedly siding with her stance because I knew the outcome of deception.
"One more thing, Chanel."
"Yes Rhys?"
"Do you regret meeting me?"
Her eyes rolled up into her head. When they came down, instead of seeing any level of disdain, I couldn't deny the soothing, wide-eyed reflection as she replied, "I regret the day."
She might as well have reached beyond my chest to take hold of my heart. "Every part of that day?"
"I regret what happened to Chantele and what happened to your mother."
"Speaking of your friend, is she okay?"
"She will be. Remember, I told you she'd get sent away. Somewhere down south to regroup and start over fresh."
"Oh okay. Good." I breathed in, then out. "What about u
s? Do you regret us?"
"What about us?" she repeated. Before I could set up a defense or plot to keep her near she added, "I have no choice but to regret us. None of this should've happened. We weren't meant to be, right?"
"Because you have someone else." Then mumbling under my breath I stated, "Sorry prick."
XVII.
Rhys
~
Chanel and I parted ways in silence with her literally sashaying away from me. Head held high, she didn't turn a single time. How in the hell could she reject something so strong? Screw some boyfriend who never made his presence known. Not that I was this all-encompassing guy, but damn.
I strolled off in the opposite direction, first with my eyes to the concrete pier, and then set before me. Not many others walked the path. I shook off the cold and lonely chills from the wind. Settling the emotions Chanel had incited, my hands were tied and I had no choice but to let go of all hope for something more. Every single time I ran into her, the outside world's effects faded away. Yet every single time, she refused to accept what was right in front of our fucking eyes. Hell, forget about what we saw. I felt the energy, the matter, the intricate parts of who she was and I wanted to explore.
Some guy had this amazing girl, and something told me he might not have known it. What the hell was I to do, force her to choose me? No, I refused to be stupid or blind all over again. I'd convinced myself that Maggie was wife material when she was anything but. Now I was supposed to pursue another woman with boyfriend issues...
Hell no!
My goal for the night had been to party on a yacht. None of this shit with Chanel was meant to be in my forecast. I wanted her so badly it pained, though she smothered the hope once more. I wouldn't be the sap to crave someone who clearly had a plan which didn't include me.
The yacht eventually returned. Since sunlight hadn't yet emerged, we found an after-hours spot. While I preferred to lay low, everyone else did anything but. Visions of a curvy little Chanel haunted my peaceful reflection. She had the silkiest, sun kissed skin which set off a gentle, fresh aroma. I could worship her nonstop, for days on end and never get tired. This shit was frustrating as hell, though. She held onto me in a way that made sense.