by Janice Ross
"Prissy, I'm gonna get off the phone before this turns ugly."
"No Rhys, you guys, you are all the same! You take what you want and use us–"
I couldn't resist. "Maybe you shouldn't lead with your body." Silence. "We're adults, right?"
She stayed quiet on the line with the exception of her heavy breathing. I shook my head and looked into the sky. Please don't let her start crying. Even though I felt bad for this now becoming a misunderstanding, I still needed to set her straight.
"You and me, it would've been just sex. I'm not trying to be an asshole or douche, but you led with your body. I stopped things because it was the right thing to do."
"You are a jackass, Rhys!" She came alive, screaming so loudly I had to pull the phone away.
Being a grown man, I made the choice to end it right there. I’d screwed up by crossing a line, by allowing my selfish anger to reign. But I'd be damned if I stayed on the line for this chick to scream at me like she’d given birth to me. So I hung up.
We all made desperate decisions. That was part of being human, right? But as I moved closer to Chanel's place, I got this feeling inside that she wouldn't be part of one of those pissy-ass decisions.
She met me right out front. We didn't start talking right away, just stood about a foot away from each other. Her hair was lighter out in the open like this. It looked like she’d just wrapped it into a sloppy ponytail, but it was damn hot. She had changed into a pair of hot pink sweats and a white tee, then had also pulled on some basic gray Nikes. I could see the outline of her bra because her arms were crossed. One leg kinda stuck off to the side. She tapped her toes against the ground. I stood there with my hands buried in my pockets.
"We're just standing out here." She had this type of timid sound, and even with her phony bad girl swagger, she was so damn innocent and tempting at the same time. "Before you get too comfortable, I deserve an explanation..."
What the hell was I supposed to say, I’d almost screwed Prissy because she pissed me off? Hell no! "Doesn't matter. I'm here with you."
"I'm sorry, Rhys. I'm not that easy." She turned towards the house without looking at me then added, "Bye."
I could have walked away from there and never think twice about her. If I could have convinced myself that I could have, then I would have. I had already tried it earlier, but where did it get me?
"Roommate."
"Just a roommate?" Chanel faced me, even took a step closer. Her eyebrows got all crinkled up, then she chewed on plush lips. That was what the hell I should've be doing now, not talking about Prissy.
"Just a roommate..." Before I finished the sentence, I reached out and pulled her into me by the shoulders. I put my thumb on her bottom lip, cupping her chin with my other fingers. She exhaled into my face as I prepared to kiss her. But before, I whispered, "Prissy was a mistake that never fully happened."
Before Chanel could reply, I started freeing up her objections. She tasted like fresh cherries, smelled like a damn Bath & Bodyworks store, and felt like silky linen. This girl, with her borderline innocence, held everything it took to make me want for nothing more than our moment. And she didn't even know I craved her this way.
When I finally let her go, she still didn't say another word. We ended up on the back porch. She sat on one end until I reached over and pulled her near.
"Deep down inside, I hoped you would've stayed in Long Island," I offered. The silence had started getting to me because my thoughts had taken off.
"Is that why you stalked me out?" Something in the way she replied told me her story was much more than her being a girl that grew up here and remained her entire life. A girl who'd drifted in and out of my world.
"And?"
"And nothing. My life is boring." Truth was, I saw how her words didn't line up with her actions. She stopped making eye contact. In fact, her body tensed up next to mine, so I leaned back on the chair and took her on my lap. She didn't fight. Her head fell back as her hair got blown in the light breeze.
"You smell like..." Couldn't tell exactly, but it was delicious.
"Jasmine and vanilla."
I pulled her further into my chest, shifted her slender figure on my lap, and leaned my head on the edge of the bench. It had been a helluva long time since I'd done anything like this.
"Don't think I forgot about your friend," Chanel's reminder took hold of me and I couldn't resist smiling.
"I forgot about her." She had to know I wasn't anywhere near ruining my thoughts with Prissy. "Let's lay this out now." After turning her around on my lap, she knelt forward with her legs at my sides. "I never had sex with her. Not even once. We might've gotten cozy, but that was all. Nothing came out of it, nothing ever will."
"How long ago?"
Shit! I had been enjoying the moment. "Recent."
"I thought you were going to lay it out. If we're gonna be friends, I need you to be honest."
"Who said I wanted a friend? I want you. Honestly Chanel, do you think friends kiss this way?"
"Just so you know, I'm not ready for a serious anything, so if you're not looking for–"
I cut off her words with my mouth on hers, even forced my tongue between her lips. She fought it for about two seconds before she started sucking on me. Next, her fingers landed on the sides of my face, then she started tugging at my hair. This girl was sending me somewhere I wasn't ready to go, even as I allowed her to push me.
Chanel pushed me to the edge of madness, and then shoved me into the abyss. Oh God, I wanted to drown in this darkness.
We were on her back porch, mauling the hell out of each other. I didn't care if anyone was watching. It appeared she didn't either.
XXXIV.
Chanel
~
After more than two years, I wanted to be ready…ready to let go and live. Rhys made my body quiver. He released a type of yearning that was...unfamiliar. Each time I thrust my hips into him, my head just about contracted. So this was passion?
I felt his fingers reach between my legs. At first the touch was light, then it got deeper. Before long, his hand was diving down through my clothes. I had the nerve to shift up in order to get more comfortable.
"Aghhhh!" I cried out as his fingers sunk into me. Unbelievable! And as if I knew what to do, I pushed onto him. A tingling sensation began right there, where my innocence clung for dear life. But it throbbed, expanded, and threatened to explode.
"I need you..." Rhys begged in a painful grunt.
I didn't care how badly he craved me, his desire couldn't have come close to what I was living through.
"Rhys!" I'd moved beyond whispers to balling out. Mal was more than likely somewhere near, rooting for me to give up and give in. "Upstairs."
While trying to raise off of him, I was forced to relax back down when he squeezed me near. He quickly stood up. My body clung onto his like we'd been connected forever. Once inside the house, I kept my eyes closed. I was pretty sure he knew to carry me upstairs. In the midst of my darkness, my chest pounded so much so that I could almost see the waves extending up. His sneakers crashed against the stairs about a minute later.
"Last door at the end of the hallway."
"Your roommate left?"
I nodded, then smirked.
Rhys set me on the rug next to my bed. I finally lifted my lids to look at him. There was a small lamp in the corner resting on a far off table I couldn't help but notice since the sun had set outside, and there wasn't another light turned on in my room. From where I stood, and the fact that I was a tiny portion of his reach, he ruled the room. The light reflected all around him. I reached up, gripped his hair and drew him back into my face. His lips crushed into mine while his facial hair tickled me. The reaction began just under my chin. Waves flowed outward from my core. My head grew light to the point of me nearly passing out.
To keep from fainting, I threw myself back on the bed. Rhys came down on top of me. I wrapped my legs around his sides.
"Rhys..
. Rhys..."
"Chanel..."
The room rushed over with words that neither of us could manage to say, yet they collected everywhere. I’d never come this close to giving myself over, much less to a stranger. I wanted to say more to that effect, or stall things somehow. I was powerless to do anything more than remain in this trance.
Then my phone went off from inside of my sweats. Rhys had just begun pulling them off. That annoying noise and vibration was what it took to loosen his hold.
"I need to get that," I said under my breath. It took a few seconds to register, but he eventually slowed down in time for the phone to stop ringing. I still followed through. My heart broke at the sight of Mrs. Marlowe's name on the screen.
"Everything good?"
One thump after another materialized from inside of me. Guilt, shame even filtered through me. My eyes grew uncomfortable with a burning that was so potent, I couldn't stop the tears that followed. And not only just tears, sobbing.
Rhys rolled off, eventually landing next to me. He took me into his arms. I cried. Low murmurs at first, then shameful moans.
"Chanel, talk to me. What's going on?"
I shook my head, making sure to keep it low. I just about buried myself into his chest. All I could manage to say was, "We can't. That was my boyfriend's mother."
Rhys' eyebrows shot up.
"Umm, ex-boyfriend." Saying it out loud was creepy. I couldn't help but wonder if I should've stated deceased. But that label would've brought too much questions. For the time being, running away might've been appropriate. I honestly didn't want to anymore. No, I had to learn to move forward.
I had a feeling this time would be different than earlier. Other than the fact I didn't want Rhys to leave, I had a feeling he hadn't been prepared to go anywhere either.
"Talk."
Before I prepared to open up, I shifted myself up to the head of the bed. We lay there side by side without touching. Rhys’ breath had slowed down so much that I started counting the times he inhaled and exhaled. The room was silent otherwise.
Where was I supposed to begin? It was up to me to break the silence, but I didn’t know where to begin. Outside of Zach, I hadn't dated another guy, much less gotten this close to intimacy. The more I thought about opening up that chapter in my life for someone new, the more my mind raced. It almost felt like every blood vessel in my body had set off. It hadn’t even been a week ago since Rhys had reentered.
"I don’t do this kind of thing." So those words weren’t necessarily ideal, but it seemed like the right way to go. They felt like a lie, even though they were one-hundred percent fact.
"So this has to do with us having sex?"
"Not entirely–"
"Just so you know, I wasn’t sure if I’d allow it to go the whole way." He sat up, turning to face me while I remained flat on the bed.
My cheeks burned of embarrassment. "Excuse me for assuming that’s what happened when you carried me up to my bedroom." I turned on my side, giving him my back in further response.
"You’re not getting off that easy, Chanel." I couldn’t understand why he cared. He just did. And because he did, I had no choice but to reciprocate.
"Rhys…" No sooner the words got off my lips, he recaptured my attention by turning my body to his. Our chests pressed together, our breaths aligned in perfect symmetry. I gulped at the closeness, and out came tears. Intimacy like this isn't easy. "I don’t know where to start." I cried out like I'd only recently been ripped apart.
"I remember you talking about a boyfriend when we first met. Did he hurt you?" Rhys' grip lightened. He added just enough distance, though we stayed near.
The words were right there, about a second away from manifesting. My internal pain held them back. Damn, I was curious about him. I wanted to move on. The opportunity was within my grip and all I needed to do was take it.
"Chanel." Rhys got up from the bed. His face had turned a brutal shade of red which looked almost demonic in the dim lighting. "I'm not about to rush you into doing anything you're not ready to."
"Give me time, please?"
"Look, if you're only now getting over some guy, you need to focus on you."
"It's not like that!" I sat up in the middle of the bed. My hands held onto the sides of my head. I could've exploded over the pressure.
"Chanel, we're cool. I'll see you around." Rhys left without giving me another opportunity to explain.
I threw myself onto the pillows. We were 0 for 2, but this was probably the last time he'd give me the time of day.
So Chanel, this was moving on? I had to ask myself.
XXXV.
Rhys
~
I got out of there in no time. It was dark out. The moon was hidden, and the streetlights were covered by large tree branches. I didn't know how late it was or how long I'd spent going through this bullshit all over again. Since Maggie pulled that crap when I'd traveled a few years back, I promised myself that I would never be that weak bastard in this lifetime. Hell no!
What kind of man fell in love to the point of proposing to a user and still didn't learn his lesson? What kind of man got his feelings trapped in some chick's life, a chick still hurting over some other guy? She set me on fire, but I'm not sure I wanted to be burned. Passion was one thing, fire a completely different thing. It was capable of stripping victims of everything that mattered. Heart. Soul. Every damn thing.
Wake up, Rhys!
I glanced over my shoulder to the house. I wasn't necessarily pissed off at her for not giving up to me. Truthfully, it wasn't about the sex. I preferred her opening up to me over anything more right then. I couldn't help but feel like shit for allowing this. Chanel was cute, not drop dead gorgeous. She was über sexy, but in an innocent way. So what the hell made me want her to the point of compromising my manhood?
My fist crashed on a nearby tree, then my foot cut at it with a low kick. Rotating between right jabs to cut a left, though not hard enough to break skin, I got a rush out of it. I had this urge to go back inside and tell her how I felt about weak chicks that didn't know how to move on. The only thing that kept me from doing it was the fact that I was kinda in the same boat. So I took off for home, starting off with slow paced taps on the concrete. Within a couple of minutes, my feet stung from the harsh blows against the streets. I couldn't move fast enough as I bypassed cars and traffic lights. Screw everything!
Once home, I only slowed down enough to maneuver up the stairs. Prissy's door opened.
"Rhys..."
I stalked off for the peacefulness of my room. Though I'd made an attempt to set aside my fixation with Chanel, I wanted nothing more than her. No one else would soothe the fire. No form of substitution would be able to mask the impact she’d had on my life.
~
I slept for a brief time before getting up to go for a run. My feet pounded on the pavement while a heavy metal playlist guided my frustrations. The pace grew faster. My arms made shorter swings. The air pushed me further and further. I didn't slow down until a body of water appeared before me. My breathing sped up. Shutting my eyes, I buckled over.
"What are you doing here?" I tuned into Chanel's breathy voice. I shot up. Her eyes were bold, kinda stood out more since her hair was pulled back. She looked like she hadn't slept all night. Even admiring her, I had to remind myself just how much she got to me. I shrugged before walking off.
"Rhys, you're kidding me, right?"
I kept my back to her.
XXXVI.
Chanel
~
"Please talk to me."
"What happened, Chanel?" Rhys asked. "You need to talk to me. Make me understand, please."
How could I explain my heart being ripped out of my chest the day Zach died? Love broke my heart. Beyond my feelings for Zach, he was a good person with ambition and a bright future ahead. His life was over. There was no getting it back. And for me to dare find happiness, that was the worst. Sure, there was no denying what I felt for
Rhys. I refused to see it as anything viable because Zach was my first, my only one. Love had to work that way, real love, at least. When the story tales were written, they never said anything about second chances. That sort of thing happened with others that were in constant prowling mode. I never thought I'd be left alone without my first childhood love.
But I am. From all angles, I was having to reconcile with a past I was too afraid to let go over, and settle into a future that had always been waiting with open arms.
"I feel like I'm being smothered by everything," I confessed.
"I can share the weight. Chanel, allow me to be a part of your secret desires, longings, and even…even the pain."
Sitting on a nearby bench, he followed to rest across from me. With the dull reflection of evening, I almost wanted to exhale. The park lamp started to flicker on. He had creases at the corners of his eyes while his pupils were wide and fixed on me. His stare was direct and promising, though it held me in a warm embrace. The words were ready to tumble from within my soul. I couldn't help but wonder if this cleansing would open a new door, another opportunity to care. I knew Zach's love had been pure. What I’d experienced with Rhys had a different type of implication. Was it even possible to trade one for the other, knowing Rhys had been a part of me for the past few years? Oh my goodness, Rhys had ridden my emotions even before Zach died.
"What's your story, Chanel?" He stretched out his feet and ran his palms along the sides of his face through his slight beard. Then, just like that, he stopped. Breaking apart the short distance between us, Rhys rested his palms on the sides of the bench. His breathing was shaky; he even trembled. "If someone hurt you that much, I can't promise I won't try to find him, but I will promise to make things better."
"Rhys, it's nothing like that–"
"You don't think I can fix you?" His air tickled at the tip of my nose. I inhaled the words as I took a few seconds to choose my answer.