I look up at her in amazement; I don’t think I’ve ever heard anything so beautiful. She gazes down at me and I know that she’s right, our memories are so precious. A glorious moment is over in an instant but a memory can last a lifetime. Knowing this, I decide right there and then to always remember this one, to cherish it and savour this memory of my grandmother for always.
“Was Grandad your first love?” I ask, unable to stop myself.
I recognise that it’s a personal question but I need to know if the man she spent her entire life with was the same man who caused her to fall in love for the very first time, something which was so transcendent and paramount to her that she’s kept it sacred, it’s deeply ingrained within her heart and she has treated it with reverence her whole life.
“If I told you that he wasn’t, would you think less of me?”
“No. I guess I’d just be sad that you didn’t get to have your happy ever after with the first.”
“Don’t feel sorry for me, Bethany. It’s true that by some people’s standards I haven’t had a magnificent life. I haven’t made a lot of money, I haven’t travelled the world or been a huge success but what I have done is love. I’m blessed to have spent my life with a man who truly loved me; he treated me well and made me happy. He was my true love and I thank God for him every single day even though he’s gone.
However, I also thank God for another man, a man who came before my husband and left long before I met him. He was my first love and he gave me a Summer that I will never, ever forget. I admit that I spent a great deal of years fighting against the love I still held for him but now I’ve learnt to embrace what I felt for him and how he made me feel. I accept it and I appreciate the small time we spent together. I now realise that I loved them both but in very different ways. I don’t even know if my first love is still alive, he could have passed away several years ago and I never knew.
It’s only now that they’re both gone I can truly appreciate and cherish what I had with them. One tempestuous and unforgettable Summer and one delightful lifetime with another. You see, I got a first love and a last. The latter was my true love and I’m so glad that I chose to share my life with him. They both taught me a great deal and I won’t lie to you, Bethany. I could still weep for them both but in life we must learn to accept what we have been dealt. He knows what he’s doing, the one upstairs who controls it all, it’s in God’s hands, it always has been and it always will be, the sooner we all accept that, the happier we will be. I got my charming reality and a fantasy that always had a permanent place in my memory.”
The two of us remain in silence; I’m almost reluctant to say anything in case I ruin the poetic beauty of what was just said.
“Gran, I… I don’t even know what to say. I hope one day to look back on my life and see the splendour of it like you do.”
“You will. Many people live their entire lives and never experience what you’re feeling right now; some will never know what it’s like to be completely and utterly consumed by another human being. It’s those people I feel sorry for, not the ones who are blessed enough to be in your shoes. Everything happens for a reason, Bethany. I truly believe that so just enjoy your life and always remember that there’s nothing to be afraid of, it’s just life.” Gran brings her hand down to rest on my cheek and I cover it with my own, hoping to convey all of the love and admiration that I feel for her through my touch.
“Do you think mum is one of those people who never get to know what it feels like?”
“Unfortunately, she is.” Gran turns her head towards the kitchen where mum is still busying herself making the coffee and I’m hit with a sudden sadness for her. She deserves so much better than the existence she’s been dealt.
“Maybe one day she’ll find the strength to leave him.” I whisper.
Gran looks down at me and I see the doubt in her eyes, I don’t think she believes mum will ever break away from my father.
“I’d really like to meet him, Bethany.”
I stare at her for several moments until I realise that she’s referring to Jake.
“Are you serious?”
“Of course, I want to meet the young man who’s responsible for putting a bright smile on my granddaughter’s face.”
I can tell she’s being serious and I have no idea what to say. Isn’t it a bit soon to be meeting family members? Jake and I haven’t even discussed what we are to one another; we certainly aren’t in a relationship yet.
“I would really like it if the two of you could meet one day but I just think it’s a little too soon for me to introduce him to you, Gran.”
“I promise you I won’t interrogate him and I’ll try my hardest not to embarrass you but I really would like to meet him. It doesn’t have to be a regular thing and as soon as I’ve met him all I will ask from the two of you is to be happy, you won’t owe me anything but that.” Her eyes implore me to agree to this and I find my resolve weakening. How could I say no to her? She’s the only person who’s mattered to me for so long. Who knows where I’d be if it weren’t for her constant care and understanding over the years.
“Ok, you can meet him next Friday.” I say, knowing that I may as well agree to her request because I’d struggle to deny this lady anything.
“I can’t wait.” She grins at me, her eyes sparkling with excitement.
“Can’t wait for what?” Mum asks, startling us both as she enters the living room.
“For next week Friday, Bethany and I plan to look at some old photographs together.” Gran looks at me pointedly and I nod my head in agreement.
Mum seems to accept gran’s convincing reply and places the tea tray on the table beside us. I still feel terrible about deceiving her but have to admit that I’m somewhat impressed by gran’s ability to lie like that. She was so convincing, I almost believed her.
The rest of our visit with gran is uneventful and once we’re back home I try my best not to think about the phone call Jake received last night and his face when he first looked at his phone. I have a horrible feeling that it was a girl and can’t even begin to describe the amount of jealousy I felt when considering that possibility.
He texted me pretty late last night but I didn’t reply. I guess I was still a little annoyed about the fact that he was keeping something from me; I could see it in his eyes and his demeanour after he received that call. I’m not stupid enough to believe that Jake doesn’t have a history. I could tell by the kiss he gave me that he’s experienced, I don’t like to think about the women he’s been with before me but I have no right to feel this level of anger or indignation about it. I suppose that’s why I decide to reply to him now, I should apologise to him for my silence.
I switch my phone on and notice that there are seven new messages from Jake; six of them were sent within the last hour and one before I left to visit gran this morning. I quickly read through them all and immediately feel guilty for leaving my phone at home this morning. All of his messages are full of concern for me and I can only imagine how worried he must have been when I didn’t reply to any of them.
I hastily type out my response and reassure him that I’m ok. I decide to save my apologies until I see him in person and hope that in the meantime he won’t be too angry with me for my cold demeanour last night.
I sit down on my bed and patiently wait for his reply. My father’s still working in the bookstore so I have no fear about being caught with my phone and mum’s too busy preparing our lunch downstairs to come up here. He’s not due home for another four hours and I intend to savour every single one of them. I suppose that’s where my true fondness for Saturday’s came from, the fact that I get to enjoy a full day without his presence is a blessing.
My phone alerts me to a new message and I automatically smile when I see Jake’s name flash up across the screen.
Jake: I’m really pleased to hear from you. I was starting to worry that something had happened. Bethany, about last night... I can explain everything, I
promise you. I don’t want you to think the worse; the phone call I got wasn’t from an ex-girlfriend or anything like that. I swear to you that you have nothing to worry about; you’re the only one who matters to me. I care nothing for anyone but you. Please believe me x
I read his message once again and reply with the only open-minded reply I can think of. I already feel guilty for doubting him and I want him to know that he doesn’t have to explain himself to me.
You don’t owe me any explanations, Jake.
Jake: But I do, you have every right to ask me anything you want. We can make this work, Bethany. I know we can and I’m willing to do anything to make sure that it does. I’m not going anywhere and I’m ready to fight for what I want and all I want is you. I’ll do whatever it takes to be with you and I mean anything. I’m not giving up on you, Bethany, I’m not going anywhere. All I want from you is your trust and that’s why I have to ask… do you trust me?
I contemplate his question for several minutes. Do I trust him? It’s only been three weeks since we met for the very first time and since then everything has been moving so fast. I can’t help but fear the inevitable collision that will follow this crazy rollercoaster ride we’ve embarked on.
I do trust you, Jake. I guess I sometimes worry that things between us are moving a little too fast. I feel as though we’re in a hopeless situation and I’m foolish for even thinking that this could work. You don’t know my father, he’ll never allow us to be together and I can’t even bring myself to think about what the consequences would be if he ever found out about us. I feel so guilty about lying to my mum, I’m sure she knows that something is wrong. We’re playing with fire and I’m scared because you make me want to break every single rule I’ve ever known. The risks I’m taking just to see you are so great but there’s no way I can bring myself to walk away. The intensity of what I feel for you is so strong, it frightens me. I’ve never felt like this before. X
I can hardly believe I just admitted all of that to him; I’ve never been that honest with anyone before. My heart is beating rapidly and my breathing is erratic, I clutch the phone to my chest and wait for Jake’s reply. I’m terrified of what he will say now that he knows how I truly feel. Being open and truthful is something I’ve always struggled with, I hate the feeling of being exposed and by opening my heart to Jake that’s exactly what I’ve done.
Jake: Bethany, I swear to you that I will never let that man hurt you again. I will always protect you and I want you to know that you’re not alone in this. I appreciate and understand the lengths you go to just to see me every week and I have to be honest, I live with the guilt of that every single day. I should be the one who’s taking all of the risks, not you. I promise that I’ll never let you down or walk away; I need you to trust me and believe that one day all of this will be ok. I’ll make sure of it. Xxx
My eyes fill with tears as I read Jake’s message. I was so worried and anxious about our situation before I spoke to him. I couldn’t see a solution or a way out of our complicated set of circumstances, it all seemed so hopeless… but now that I’ve spoken with Jake I instantly feel better. The burden I was carrying has been lifted and the end result is exhilarating.
I send Jake one final message, thanking him for being there for me and for putting my mind at rest. I really need to start being careful with the amount of text messages I send, I’m not sure how much credit I have left on my phone and I really don’t want to ask Jake to put some more on so soon.
I’ve only just switched my phone off when I’m startled by the sound of a timid knock on my bedroom door. It has to be mum, my father’s not home and he certainly wouldn’t bother to knock.
“Bethany, I just got a phone call from the charity store where I volunteer and they asked me if I can go in for an hour to help them out because they’re short staffed and really busy. Will you be ok by yourself?” She asks me uncertainly.
“Of course I will. Don’t worry about me, just go.” I urge her.
Mum loves the time she spends volunteering, it provides her with an escape from this house and it also allows her to have some sort of social life. I can see that she’s nervous about going in today because she never has done on a Saturday before.
“Maybe I shouldn’t… if your father found out he would be furious.”
“He’s not due home from work for hours, he’ll never know.” I assure her.
After some more convincing mum finally leaves and I find myself alone in the house. I’ve lived in this house for twenty years and I don’t think I’ve ever been home alone. It’s surreal and I’m not sure if I like it or not.
In the end I decide to make my way downstairs and watch some TV. I’m just leaving my bedroom when I hear the front door opening downstairs. I wonder what’s made mum come back so soon, she’s only been gone half an hour.
“Mum, how come you’re back so early?” I ask, making my way down the stairs.
There’s no answer so I figure she’s already in the kitchen and can’t hear me. I open the door to the living room and freeze as soon as I see him.
For one horrible moment I think I’m hallucinating, that my anxiety and subconscious has somehow conjured up the terrifying image of my father but as we both stand there staring at one another I realise that this is no figment of my imagination.
He’s standing in the middle of the sitting room with a glacial expression on his face. At first glance he appears to be devoid of any human emotion but it’s only when I force myself to meet his steady gaze that I notice the wild and psychotic rage that’s building up behind them.
“Where is she?” He asks his voice low and threatening. It’s enough to make me tremble with fear.
“Dad, it’s not what you think...” My mind races with a number of excuses I could come up with to turn this around, I’ll do anything to stop my mum from getting into trouble. I have to protect her, I just have to. If I beg him he might just listen. I’ll plead with him and pray that his love for me will somehow be enough to soften his rage. I’ll be more than happy to take her punishment for this.
“Where is she?” He repeats his question and I’m close to despair when I realise that it’s useless. No matter what I say or do he won’t listen. The best thing I can do for mum now is to be honest. He’ll instinctively know that I’m lying to protect her and it will only make things worse for her in the long run.
“She’s at the charity shop. They called her and asked her if she could help them out for an hour this afternoon.” I hold my breath and wait for his reaction.
“Is that right?” His voice is dripping with sarcasm. He speaks softly but his words sound menacing and they’re consumed by an underlying threat. It’s enough to make me fear him and what he might choose to do in this very moment. I haven’t seen him like this since the night he caught me getting ready to go to the cinema when I was fourteen years old.
I open my mouth to say something, anything that will make this better. I’m desperately trying to think of how I can salvage something from this and make a promise to myself that I won’t let him hurt her.
Before I manage to speak, he lunges forward and violently shoves me to the side and out of the way. He slams the front door behind him and the vibrations reverberate throughout the house leaving a morbid silence in its wake. I’m left standing there, praying to God that mum will be ok. I’ve no idea what he plans on doing but whatever it is I know it will be awful.
Feeling helpless and utterly alone, I lower myself onto the sofa and curl up into a ball. It’s pointless because I know I’ll have to deal with the consequences of this sooner or later. My father is the type of man who believes his wife’s betrayal is also his daughter’s and vice versa. That’s why he made my mum suffer so terribly the night he caught us out all those years ago. That night was so terrible, I can’t even begin to imagine what he would do if he ever found out about me and Jake.
I almost stop breathing when I consider the horrendous possibility that my mum might misunderst
and his fury when he confronts her. What if she crumbles and reveals everything? It would be so easy for her panic and confess everything to him about our recent arrangement. If she were to tell him about all of the evenings I’ve not been home lately it wouldn’t take my father long to figure out the truth. He’s not as gullible as my mum and it would certainly be enough to make him suspicious.
The thought of never seeing Jake again is incomprehensible to me. The idea causes me to be devoured by an abundance of dismay and terror, so much so that I can scarcely breathe.
Trying to control my anxiety and fear, I jump up and race upstairs to retrieve my phone. Every single instinct I have is yelling at me to call Jake and ask him for help but I already know how protective Jake is. If he thinks that I’m worried or in any danger then he’ll demand that I leave or he’ll insist on coming to get me and how can I do that to mum? I can’t leave her with him. He’ll kill her and I’ll be the one to blame.
Deciding to wait this out and see what happens next, I place my phone back inside the drawer. I’m overreacting, all of this might not be as bad as I’m expecting. My father and I have been on good terms for a great deal of years now (at least that’s what he thinks) and he may be lenient with us both if I play this the right way. What mum did wasn’t so terrible, she only went into the charity store to help them out and it was a one off so surely he won’t be too angry with her…
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