“That’s not the point; just explain to me what you were thinking because it was more than a little inappropriate.”
“Ok, I know this might make me sound a little pathetic and immature but you have no idea how angry I was when I first saw you two together. It took so much of my restraint and self-control to remain calm, I really don’t know how I managed to refrain myself from hurting him. So I guess I just wanted to show him that you belong to me and that you’re mine. The only way I could do that without you getting all embarrassed and self-conscious was to turn you on at the same time. I needed to show him that only I could do that to you, I’m the only one who gets to touch you.”
“Jake, that’s crazy.”
“Are you telling me that you didn’t enjoy it?” He teases, raising an eyebrow at me in question.
“That is not the point!” I argue.
“Of course it is. Bethany, if you enjoyed it then I really don’t give a shit about what he thought. By the time we were finished there was no doubt about how things really are between us. I made sure of that by the look I was giving him. I guess the only good thing to come out of this is that we’ve now had the important conversation that was needed and we’re together. There’s no way I’m letting him come between that and he doesn’t have your number so the only way you two will speak again is if you call him, which isn’t going to happen, right?”
He stops walking and stares down at me, a confrontational frown on his face. He’s ready to argue with me over this and I don’t think I have the drive or staying power to fight him on this. I feel sorry for Callum, I hate what my father did by keeping his letters from me but all of it is in the past. He tried to antagonise Jake and I don’t appreciate him doing that to me. Jake feels threatened by my friendship with Callum and I have to ask myself how would I feel if things were the other way around? Would I really be comfortable with a girl from his past causing conflict between us? Of course the answer is no.
I’m about to answer him when Jake strokes his fingers down the side of my face, locking his smouldering dark eyes onto mine. I swear it only takes one look from him to make my knees go weak and my insides turn to mush.
“Jake, it’s not that simple. I told him I’d call, how can I go back on that?”
“Just say it, Bethany. Tell me you won’t call him and tell me that you’re mine. I need to hear you say it.”
“But I’ve already said it.”
“I want to hear you say it again and you still haven’t told me that you won’t get in touch with Callum. I need to feel secure, Bethany. No other guys can be calling you and I certainly don’t want you to call them. You have to understand that, right?”
He tangles his fingers in my hair, tilting my head back so he can see every single thought and emotion flash across my eyes. I automatically close them in anticipation of what’s to come; I’m so desperate to feel the weight of his mouth on mine.
“Kiss me.” I beg him, needing it more than I want anything in the world.
“I will but I need you to tell me that you won’t speak to Callum again. I know this request might seem unfair but it’s one I have to ask from you.”
“I understand where you’re coming from and that’s why I’ve asked myself how I would feel if our situation was different, if it were you who has just reconnected with a female friend from your past. I wouldn’t like it, Jake. In fact, it would drive me crazy and that’s why I promise you I won’t use that number. I won’t phone him. I admit that I feel a little guilty but I won’t risk what I have with you over this, it’s too precious to me.”
He closes his eyes and breathes a huge sigh of relief.
“Thank you… thank you, thank you, thank you.” He mumbles repeatedly, showering me with kisses all over my face.
I moan loudly when his tongue finally slides into my mouth, caressing my own with so much love and adoration. Maybe Jake’s possessive and overprotective nature should disconcert me, what we have is so intense and it’s all happened in such a short space of time but the truth is, it doesn’t scare me. I do belong to him and he belongs to me, if I’m certain of one thing in this world than that’s it.
We arrive at gran’s a few minutes later and I find myself suddenly feeling nervous at the thought of the two of them meeting for the very first time. Jake also looks really nervous and I squeeze his hand, hoping to reassure him that this will be ok. I knock on the front door and am glad when she takes no time in answering it, greeting us both with a big warm smile on her face.
“Bethany! I was beginning to wonder where the two of you were. Come on in, it’s freezing out there.”
I give her a hug full of appreciation. As soon as she answered the door my nerves disappeared and I just know that this introduction will go well tonight.
“It’s great to finally meet you Mrs…” Jake pauses and glances at me in question but before I can answer him gran interrupts.
“Oh! There’s no need for any of that nonsense you can call me Rose.”
I lead Jake into the living room and sit beside him on the sofa, taking hold of his hand. It feels wonderful to be here with Jake and to be able to show our affectionate without worrying about being caught. This is how it should always be and I find myself longing for the day it will happen, even though I know the changes of that are infinitesimal.
“I’m really sorry we’re late, Gran.” I tell her when she joins us, not wanting to reveal anything more about why I lost track of time. What happened tonight should stay between me and Jake, I’m not sure he would appreciate hearing me talk about Callum again.
“Don’t worry about that, Bethany. I’m just so pleased to finally meet you, Jake. Bethany has been so happy these past few weeks and I know that’s because of you.”
I feel myself blushing and glance at Jake, shrugging my shoulders as though it’s no big deal.
“It’s been my absolute pleasure. Every single moment I’ve spent with Bethany has been incredible and I’m so pleased that I make her feel the same way.”
He squeezes my hand, fastening those magnificent eyes on my own.
“Bethany, do you mind fixing us a drink?”
“Sure, what would you like?”
“I’ll have a coffee for me and what about you, Jake?”
“I’m fine with anything, coffee will be great.” Jake winks at me, causing me to poke my tongue out at him before I head into the kitchen.
I hope he’ll be ok with gran whilst I’m in here. I can’t hear what they’re saying but I can hear the background murmur of their conversation. I’m sure gran will be asking him a dozen questions which makes me will the kettle to hurry up and boil so he won’t be left alone for too long.
I carry the coffee through on a tray and they both stop talking as soon as I enter the living room.
“What did I miss?” I ask, wondering why they went silent as soon as I came in.
“Nothing much, Jake’s just been telling me all about himself.” Gran says cheerfully.
I look at Jake as I sit back down but he refuses to give me any eye contact, keeping his intense gaze focused on the floor in front of him. Something’s not right, what the hell happened out here whilst I was gone?
“Jake?” I ask uncertainly.
“That’s right. Your gran was just curious to find out all about your new boyfriend.” Jake informs me.
I frown at him, certain that I’m missing something but when he finally turns to face me his expression has changed to one of reassurance and I choose to forget the peculiar moment when I first walked in. The fact that Jake called himself my boyfriend is incredible, it’s left me feeling a little speechless. I know that we discussed it outside but to actually hear him refer to himself like that. It’s mind-blowing.
“I like him, Bethany. He’s special and he cares or you more than anything. I know that he will keep you safe.” Gran says to me as we’re leaving.
Jake has already said goodbye and thanked her for inviting him over tonight and now he’s patiently wa
iting for me at the end of the driveway to I can have a few moments alone with gran.
“Thank you for being so accepting of him. You have no idea how much it means to me that the two of you like each other.”
She nods her head in acknowledgement but her gaze is focused elsewhere, when I turn around I notice her and Jake are staring at one another, a look of understanding passes between them and I find myself wondering what was said when I was out of the room.
Jake has been really quiet since we left gran’s. He’s barely said one word to me; he’s so preoccupied with his thoughts. We’ve almost reached the spot where we arrange to meet, which also means that it’s the place we part ways.
“Let me walk you home, Bethany, I don’t mind.”
He comes up behind me, forming a circle around my waist and pulls me towards him so that my back rests against his chest. He nuzzles against me, trying to elicit a moan from me or an indication of my submission. There’s nothing I want more than to spend a few extra minutes with Jake but I know that it’s impossible to risk him coming anywhere near my house.
“It’s too risky, Jake. My father could arrive home at any moment and we can’t chance him seeing you anywhere near.” I say, turning around to face him.
Jake’s jaw tightens at the mention of my father and his arms squeeze my waist protectively, it’s as though he can’t bring himself to let me go and I have to admit, there’s a part of me that doesn’t want him to.
“He’s going to have to find out about us some time, Bethany. If you’re serious about being with me then he’s going to have to know about us.”
“I’m just not ready to tell my father about us, I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready. You don’t know him or what he’s capable of.”
“You’re right. I don’t know him and I don’t want to, all I want is you. I can’t stop thinking about you; you’re in my head twenty-four hours a day.”
“Really?” I ask, feeling incredibly flattered.
“Really.” He replies confidently, placing a delicate kiss on my temple.
“I have no idea why.” I tell him truthfully.
“I could think of a thousand reasons. I’ve never wanted anybody as much as I want you.”
I pause for a moment, wondering if I’m brave enough to ask him my next question. It’s something I’ve been dying to know but up until now I’ve been unable to find the courage to ask him.
“Who was your first, Jake?”
He freezes and breaks away from me, I want to take my question back but it’s already been spoken. Sooner or later I’m going to have to hear this. I desperately want Jake to be my first but I’m not foolish enough to believe that I’ll be his. I wait for him to give me an answer but he stays silent, causing me to experience envy like I’ve never known. Maybe she was special; she might have been his first love, someone who he’s never managed to get over. The thought of this makes feel nauseas; I can’t bear the idea of Jake being in love before. It would break my heart.
I look up at him in question but he won’t reciprocate. His eyes stare straight ahead of me, refusing to meet with my own.
“I don’t see how that matters? Nothing matters apart from you and how you make me feel.”
“It’s important to me. Wouldn’t you want to know if it were the other way around?”
He sighs in frustration when he realises I’m not going to drop this.
“Of course I would want to know! Just the thought of you with someone else makes me feel like I could go crazy and it didn’t even happen. My past isn’t important to me, Bethany. I don’t want it to come between us. I’m not going to pressure you into anything; we haven’t even talked about the idea of us having sex, that’s not what this is about for me. All that matters to me is you.”
“Jake, you told me earlier tonight that you want to make us official. If you meant that then we need to have this conversation, it’s a normal discussion that you’re expected to have when you enter into a new relationship, right?”
He sighs in defeat, slowly nodding his head in agreement. He anxiously drags his fingers through his hair and glances at me in apprehension.
“I just don’t want my past or anything I did before we met to affect us because that’s not who I am anymore. I think I was pretending to be somebody I wasn’t. This is the real me, the person I am with you.”
“Ok…” I say doubtfully.
“I was thirteen the first time I had sex. The girl doesn’t matter, she wasn’t important.” He looks so ashamed of himself; he can’t even bring himself to look at me.
I can’t believe what I just heard. He was thirteen years old the first time he had sex? The knowledge of such a thing makes me feel sick, what the hell was I thinking? I shouldn’t have asked him such a thing in the first place. I brought this on myself; I wish I’d never demanded the truth from him.
“You were thirteen?” I whisper in disbelief.
“Yes… but that isn’t important, not now. You’re the only person I care about, Bethany. I didn’t want to tell you because I knew it would change the way you feel about me and I can’t allow that to happen. I need you to trust me when I say that I’m not proud of anything I did before I met you. You’re my future and you make me want to be someone who’s better, you make me want to be worthy of you. I can’t stand to see you looking at me like you are right now. You look horrified and disgusted with me.” He drops his head, looking broken-hearted and dejected.
A part of me wants to reach out to him, wants to provide him with some comfort but I feel as though the earth has shifted right beneath my feet. I can hear him reasoning with me but I can’t understand anything he’s saying.
“But you were just a child.”
“I guess that’s all I was but at the time I didn’t see it like that. It was such a long time ago, I was young and stupid.”
“What about the girl?”
My mind starts to race with questions about her. I actually hate her, whoever she is. I’ve never experienced anything like this before, the jealousy coursing through my veins burns with anger.
He awkwardly shifts from one foot to the other, not wanting to answer my question.
“She was older. She was sixteen.” He mumbles.
“Sixteen? So you were abused?” I ask him, my voice breaking.
“I’ve never really thought of it like that before. I’m certain that she thought I was older. I was young, irresponsible and stupid. I’d do anything to change the past but I can’t. I wish I could and that’s why I’m begging you… please don’t let my reckless behaviour ruin what you and I have. Please, Bethany.”
I feel as if I’m being torn in two. Half of me longs to reach out for him and tell him that it’s ok ad that none of it matters to me but the truth is that it does matter. He looks so vulnerable and lost, standing before me like a young boy who is begging for forgiveness. I take a step closer towards him but stop myself before he’s within reach. How on earth am I going to deal with this? I can’t believe my twisted curiosity brought me here. I wish I didn’t know, I wish I could erase what I just heard.
“So, if you’ve been having sex since you were thirteen, how many women have you actually slept with?”
When he starts to pace back and forth, my fear intensifies. The idea that I’ll have to share the man I love with the thought of so many women who came before me is enough to tear my heart in two.
“Why do you need to know all of this? I keep on telling you that the only person I care about is you. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before and that’s what’s important. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”
“How fucking many, Jake?” I even manage to surprise myself by the swearing, I guess I’ve finally reached my breaking point. If Jake doesn’t give me some answers soon I’m worried that I’m really going to lose it.
“I don’t know how many, ok? I realise how horrible that sounds and how disgusted you must be with me but the truth is that I just don’t know for sure.”
; “How many?” I scream, needing to hear him say it.
I realise that I’m being relentless but I want a number. I won’t rest until he tells me the truth.
“It’s. Not. Important. No one has made me feel alive like I do when I’m with you, no one has made me want to commit to them and no one has made me ache for them like I ache for you.”
He’s becoming angry and desperate but I find myself getting an odd sense of satisfaction from watching him suffer. I want to see him hurt because I'm in so much pain right now, I don't want to be alone in that. I want Jake to feel it too.
“Do you think the fact that you can’t remember the number of people you’ve slept with makes you sound honourable?” I shout accusingly.
He walks towards me with his hands outstretched as though he’s trying to call a truce but I back away from him, not wanting him to touch me.
“I know it makes me look really bad but I’ve already told you, I’m not the same person I was back then.”
“You made love to them and you didn’t even care. What sort of man does that make you?” Angry tears pool in my eyes as I ask the one question that’s really troubling me. I’m so scared that I’ll be like them. What if I sleep with Jake and he forgets all about me? My heart couldn’t take it; he means so much to me already. He’s my everything.
“Don’t say that! I did not make love to any of those girls, it was just sex. Meaningless, forgettable and something I truly regret now that I’m with you. Please don’t compare what we have to any of them. When we have sex it will be entirely different. I want to make love to you so badly and that’s exactly what it will be, Bethany. It will be so much more than anything I’ve experienced before because it will be with you.”
Always & Forever Page 20