I bury my face against his chest and he tightens his hold on me. Despite Jake’s fury from earlier, I still feel safe when I’m with him. I know he would never hurt me but his rage is something he has to learn to control. I can’t deal with another episode like that; I don’t know how to handle it. All I want is to go back and erase what just happened, I wish none of this were happening to me! This night was supposed to be perfect.
“And you don’t think I feel powerless? When I see you like this and there’s nothing I can do to calm you down, that’s when I feel helpless.”
“I know, baby. I know.” He soothes me, placing a comforting kiss on my forehead.
“He’s never raped me, Jake. He’s never hurt me, not like that.”
He nods his head, showing that he believes me.
“Let me see them.” He speaks softly and I’m grateful he’s now managing to exert some control over himself and his actions.
He pulls away from me and without saying a word, removes my blouse from my shoulders, examining every single fingerprint on my arm. Some of the bruises are dark and purple, a contrast to the ones from two weeks ago which have now transformed into an unsightly yellow. It doesn’t help that I’m so fair skinned, any injury looks so much worse because of the paleness of my skin.
I squirm uncomfortably under his intense appraisal. I want him to see me as he did several minutes ago, he saw me as someone who was irresistible, someone he was hungry for. Now, I’m just a poor, defenceless victim.
“Jake.” I try to tug my arm from his grasp but he tightens his hold on my wrist, careful not to touch my upper arms.
“Don’t.” He says quietly.
“What?”
“Don’t pull away from me and don’t be uncomfortable. I love you and I want you just as badly as I did a few moments ago. The only difference is I now realise how foolish I’ve been. I believed you when you told me that you were ok and I should have known that you were hiding something. Why did he do it, Bethany? Tell me what happened. No more lies.”
“Can’t we just forget about it? I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” I grumble, refastening the buttons on my blouse.
“I know that, sweetheart. I know how painful this is for you to talk about but I have to know.”
“The first time he did it was two weeks ago. My mum got a phone call asking her if she would help out in the charity shop where she sometimes volunteers. She wasn’t scheduled to go in that day but she decided to go. My father wasn’t home; he was working at the bookstore. He came home early for some reason and found out she wasn’t there. He was absolutely furious with me for protecting her. He knew that I was going to lie and that I was going to keep it from him. Later on that night he came to my room and that’s when it happened.”
“He came into your bedroom?” His jaw clenches and I prepare myself for yet another explosive outburst.
We’re still standing in the hallway, the chill from the empty house and the fact that I’m half naked causes me to shiver. Jake’s eyes drop to my chest, noticing for the first time since my confession that I’ve hardly got any clothes on. He averts his gaze, giving me some privacy. I button up my blouse and make my way back into the bedroom. Jake follows me a few seconds later, joining me on the bed where I’m sitting.
“Yes, he came into my bedroom. He sometimes does to say goodnight to me.”
“And you’re sure he didn’t do anything else? You’re telling me the truth?”
“I swear to you he didn’t.”
“But he still grabbed you.” He says sharply.
“Yes.”
“What about last week in the bookstore? What happened then?”
“It happened right after you left, he was suspicious and that’s why he threatened me.”
“What did he say?”
I pause, remembering the vile conversation we had after Jake’s departure. I can hardly bring myself to relive it.
“I don’t really want to remember.”
“Baby, I need you to tell me.”
“He said that there was only one way of making sure you wouldn’t return to the bookstore to see me. He said that if I weren’t so appealing to you then you wouldn’t bother me again. It’s all mind games with him but I know he was threatening me. He said it wouldn’t be pleasant but he could help me and it would be for my own good. I think it was a warning. He was taunting me and wanted to frighten me into thinking he would go so far as to disfigure me, that way I wouldn’t be desirable to anybody.”
“The sick fuck!” Jake yells, jumping to his feet.
“Without you even realising it you managed to provoke him. He’s clever, he’s manipulative and he’s heartless. All of those things make up a lethal combination.”
Jake starts pacing back and forth in front of me. Recognising the enraged expression on his face, I decide to remain silent and wait for his fury to pass.
I’m fully aware that my desire for Jake in this present moment might not be normal. I still want him, even now with his uncontrollable anger and preoccupation with exacting revenge. I don’t care how screwed up that makes me or how wrong it is to crave somebody I seem to have a cataclysmic reaction with. He’s so protective over me, he would do anything to keep me safe and away from danger, this makes him even more irresistible to me. He curls his fists again and I start to worry he’s going to punch a hole in the wall again. I’ve no idea how I’m going to explain the damage to gran; I guess I’ll deal with that later.
Tonight was supposed to be special. I was feeling so optimistic on my way over here. I really wanted to enjoy this time with Jake and now everything’s ruined. I remember how he kissed me when I first showed him my bedroom, as though he couldn’t live without me and needed me to breathe. The feeling was entirely mutual but as soon as he saw my bruises his need for me disappeared.
“Bethany, please look at me.”
I’m jerked out of my contemplation by the sight of Jake kneeling before me. The truth is I’m afraid to look at him; I don’t want to see pity in his eyes. Not when I saw so much hunger in them before my revelation.
“I can’t.” I murmur, avoiding his stare.
“Look at me.”
“I don’t need your pity, Jake. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me.” I say firmly.
“Bethany, I know I’ve made a mess of this. I just can’t bear the thought of anyone hurting you. It kills me to know that you’ve been going through this alone and I had no idea. How could you not tell me he was hurting you?”
“I should have told you but I was scared. I knew how you would react and I just wanted our time together to be pleasant and carefree. I don’t want to waste time arguing and fighting about him. I wanted tonight to be perfect; my intention was to forget all of the bad stuff.”
I lower my eyes to the floor, wondering how we can salvage anything from tonight.
“Tell me what you want, baby. What can I do? I’ll do anything to make this better for you.”
“I want you to want me like you did a few minutes ago.” I confess, wiping away a stray tear. God, I hate how pathetic this makes me.
Jake leans closer, pressing his mouth against mine. He’s still kneeling before me at the side of the bed and catches a couple of my errant tears with his tongue as they fall down my cheeks. It’s oddly erotic and I find myself kissing him back with just as much fervour as before.
“Of course I still want you, sweetheart. I’ve wanted you from the first time I saw you but you’re so fragile right now, I should be taking care of you not trying to…”
“Sleep with me?” I answer for him.
“I didn’t mean it like that. I just don’t want to take advantage of you right now, you’re vulnerable and I don’t want you to regret anything that happens tonight.”
“The only thing I’ll regret is not being with you. No one has ever made me feel as safe as you do. I want more than sex with you; I want you to make love to me. Help me to forget, Jake. Please?”
“But I don�
�t want to hurt you.” He whispers softly.
“A girl’s first time always hurts, doesn’t it?” I ask, feel foolish. Once again my lack of experience rears its ugly head.
“Yeah, I think so but I don’t just mean that.” He twirls a piece of my hair between his fingers before tucking it back behind my ear.
“You mean my bruises? They look a lot worse than they really are. I promise you.”
“Bethany, the fact that you trust me with something as important as this… I guess it scares me a little. I don’t want to mess this up; you’re far too special for me to mess this up.”
“I guess I never even thought about this being a big deal for you.” I say.
“It is a big deal, baby. This means everything to me, your first time might be painful and the marks on your arms look so tender, are you sure you still want to do this?”
I sigh impatiently, standing up and making my way over to the window. I’m only there a few seconds before I sense Jake standing behind me. He places his hands on my hips, dragging me backwards until our bodies make contact. His front is pressed against my back, making it easy for his lips to caress the responsive skin between my neck and my collarbone. It’s so hard to act disinterested when he’s touching me like this. He knows exactly how to make my body react to him, even if my mind is willing it not to.
“Don’t tease me, if you don’t plan on taking this further then you should stop now.”
“I just want this to be special. You’re going to remember your first time for the rest of your life.”
He rests his chin on my shoulder, circling his arms around me.
“You know how incredible you look with your shirt off, right?” I tease him, remembering that delicious image of Jake half naked.
“You can take another look if you want.” He responds playfully, turning me around in his arms to face him.
“I think I should.”
“Go ahead.” He takes a step back, a mischievous grin plastered on his face.
It’s a challenge. He’s testing me. Providing me with the opportunity to undress him is his way of testing my confidence. He doesn’t think I’ll go through with it, he thinks I’ll back away and refuse to participate in his little game.
Well, I’m not about to let his cocky self-assurance undermine me. Let’s see what he says when I prove him wrong.
My hands are shaking as I reach out and trace the bottom of his T-shirt with my fingers. I look up at him for his approval and he nods his head, encouraging me to keep on going. Hesitantly, I start to lift up his shirt until he has to intervene by helping me tug it over his head. My eyes wander over his shoulders, his chest, his arms and his stomach. His abs are toned and firm, making it really difficult for me to not gape at him in awe and admiration.
“Like I said, you look incredible with your shirt on.”
“So do you.” He whispers, smirking flirtatiously.
I’m suddenly really, really nervous. This is actually going to happen; we’re going to do this. His fingers start to undo the buttons on my blouse for the second time tonight and I notice his hands are so steady. He touches me with so much certainty; he doesn’t doubt himself or his abilities to make me feel good. I can only hope to be the owner of so much confidence and ease one day.
Jake chooses to ignore my bruising as he slides my blouse off my shoulders.
“I love this.” He says huskily, trailing his fingertips along the lace of my bra.
I’m so please he likes it; I wore it especially for tonight. It’s the only attractive piece of lingerie I own and to know that Jake likes it makes me glow with pride.
“Thank you.” I smile weakly, fiddling with a strand of my hair in embarrassment.
“Can I?” He asks, wanting my verbal permission to remove it.
I nod my head, wondering how amazing it will feel to finally feel Jakes hands on me.
“Mmhmm.” I murmur, incapable of saying anything remotely coherent.
He unhooks my bra with one hand, causing me to hold my breath as I feel the clasp release behind me. This is the first time anyone has ever seen me this exposed before and if I’m being completely honest, I’m terrified I won’t measure up to Jake’s expectations.
I release a breath as the straps of my bra are delicately withdrawn from my shoulders and slid off my arms. I close my eyes, trying to regain some control over my uneven breathing. I can feel his eyes burning right into me and I fight the powerful urge to cover myself from his intense gaze. He inhales sharply, a sound which forces me to open my eyes.
“Bethany, you are so beautiful.” He speaks with so much reverence and devotion, something which instantly puts me at ease. “You’re still ok?” He asks me, seeking eye contact to make sure I’m really alright.
“I’m fine.” I lie.
My heart’s beating so hard it feels like it might leap out of my chest at any second. Why did I think I was ready for this?
“You’re sure? We can stop at any point.” He assures me.
I finally start to relax when his hands move to my arms and his fingers start to trace patterns up and down them. His touch reignites something inside of me, followed by an aching desire for him to explore every part of me.
“I don’t want to stop.” I assure him.
Taking hold of my hand, he leads me over towards the bed and sits down. He stares up at me and I’m once again reassured that Jake will only take this as far as I’m willing to go. He won’t pressure me into anything and I can say no at any point.
His eyes eventually travel down my body, landing on my breasts. I recognise the familiar desire in his eyes and to know that its there because of me is a huge turn on. I want to feel powerful, I want to surprise him and show that I can be just as fearless as he is. Moving my hands to the front of my jeans, I slowly start to unfasten them. His eyes immediately drop down to watch what I’m doing as I slide them over my hips. I step out of them and take off my socks in the process. My only piece of clothing that’s left is my panties. I’ve never felt more vulnerable, I’ve never felt more alive.
“You. Are. Perfect.” He’s staring at me like I’m the most incredible creature he’s ever seen.
I decide to be bold and rest my hands upon his large shoulders; I position my legs on either side of his so that I’m straddling him. He still has his jeans on but I can feel how hard he is for me, how he’s straining against the material of his trousers to be inside of me. I start to move back and forth against him, enjoying the sensation his arousal stimulates. He feels incredible and I continue to move my hips against him, quickening my pace and delighting in the friction his hardness is causing between us. I can feel the pleasure increasing between my legs so I close my eyes and lose myself to the incredible sensation. Jake groans violently, grabbing hold of my hips and encouraging me to grind myself against his erection. I moan loudly, increasing the speed of my movements.
I’m seconds away from my climax when he stills my gyrating body by placing his hands on my waist. Before I can yell at him for stopping, he effortlessly picks me up switches out positions. Now I’m the one who’s beneath him, gazing up at his magnificently masculine body. He supports his weight by resting his hands on either side of my shoulders, piercing me with the intensity of his smouldering eyes.
“Jake.” I’m breathless and light-headed, unable to comprehend or analyse the whirlwind of emotions that’s spiralling through me.
“God, you are astonishingly sexy. I love to hear the sound of my name on your lips.”
“Jake, I want you so badly.” I tremble, wanting him to hear his name once more.
I watch as his eyes travel down my body, absorbing every single inch of me. His focus lingers on my breasts, burning with undeniable passion for me.
“You have no idea, do you? You have no idea how breathtaking you are.” His voice is smooth and reassuring, instantly silencing any qualms I had about losing my virginity tonight.
He starts to unfasten his jeans, tugging them down over his thi
ghs. They resemble the rest of his athletic body and are strong and firm. His boxers are plain black but I notice the infamous Calvin Klein logo on them and I wonder if he’s also wearing the CK aftershave. Whatever it is, he smells delicious. My eyes travel back up towards his face and I realise he’s been watching my intense observation of him the whole time. However, my scrutiny doesn’t seem to faze him and I find myself being envious of Jake’s self-assurance. I long for the certainty he has found in himself.
“Jake, please.” I beg him; desperately seeking the exquisite sensations I had a few moments ago when I was rubbing myself against him.
“It’s ok; we’ve got plenty of time. I don’t want us to rush this; we’re going to take this nice and slow.”
The caress of Jake’s fingers tracing the outline of my underwear is enough to elicit another pleasurable moan from me, I’ve never been touched so intimately before and it’s beyond anything I ever allowed myself to imagine.
“You’re really mine?” He marvels, a look of awe and wonderment on his face.
“Uh-huh” I stutter.
“Is that a yes?” He chuckles, grinning at me playfully.
“I’m yours.” I confirm, smiling up at him.
Jake’s hand settles on my right hip and I inhale sharply when he opens my legs, settling his body in-between them. He groans loudly as he presses his lower body against mine and I’m thrilled to know he’s just as turned on as he was before. The evidence of his arousal gives me a huge surge of confidence, especially when it comes to my own abilities. It makes me feel powerful and sexy, things I’ve never felt before. I’m no longer embarrassed about the sexual sounds escaping from my lips. His own sensuous mouth starts to explore my neck, travelling down until he reaches the top of my breasts and I arch my back, hoping to encourage him. I squirm when the tip of his tongue flickers against my nipple. The sensation is so incredible, it’s as though I’m incapable of remaining still.
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