I was in complete shock. It felt like my whole world had just come to an end. Guilt began to devour me as I sobbed helplessly. I knew it would be the end of me and Jake, he wouldn’t he stay with me if there was no baby. My future with him was over and I had ruined everything.
I’ll never forget the look on his face when he found out. He was heartbroken and there was nothing I could do to comfort him. I realised he didn’t feel anything for me, he was in love with the baby and I didn’t even matter. I suppose deep down I’d always known but I was unwilling to face the truth.
I didn’t want the miscarriage to change anything between us, I knew Jake would continue to support me and I presumed he would stay with me, even if it was out of guilt. However, after that night in the hospital, things didn’t go according to plan. Jake avoided me like the plague, he wouldn’t allow me anywhere near him. He refused to see me and I didn’t know what to do. He stopped going into work, he wouldn’t even leave the house. He became a shell of the man I once knew and the distance between us only grew as we drifted further and further apart.
I dealt with everything that was going on the only way I knew how. I fell into an endless cycle of drinking, parties and sex with strangers. I longed for Jake but knew he didn’t want me and I suppose my reckless behaviour was my way of trying to forget.
The night Jake caught me having sex with someone else was the worst night of my entire life. I’d been drinking and somehow made my way upstairs with some random guy who I hadn’t even spoken to before that night. I was bored out of my mind, waiting for the numb sensation I craved to take over. Every time I had sex with someone that wasn’t Jake it was the same. I relied upon the feeling to erase everything else in my mind, to switch off from reality.
I had closed my eyes, wanting it to be over with when I heard a sharp intake of breath. I looked over the guy’s shoulder towards the doorway and saw Jake standing there glaring at the two of us on the bed. He remained frozen, his eyes cold and heartless. He turned away from me and was nearly out the door when the idiot on top of me started laughing.
I shut my eyes again, knowing what was about to happen. Jake dragged the guy from me and ferociously beat him senseless. He was relentless, Jake’s fists smashing against his face over and over again, ignoring my pleas for him to stop. I confess that a part of me was enthralled by Jake’s fury; it gave me some hope that something could be salvaged between us. I misinterpreted Jake’s aggression, thinking he still had had some sort of feelings for me and was jealous. The truth was he just wanted an outlet for his pent up anger, he was still grieving the loss of the baby and wanted a human punch back to take it out on.
When Jake finally stopped, he looked me up and down in disgust. His entire face was devoid of any emotion and he left. I begged him to stay, I even ran after him but he simply ignored me. It was as though he was made of stone and he couldn’t hear me. Things were so much worse than they had been before and I knew it was futile even trying to win Jake back. I had to give him some space in the hope that he would eventually be in the right state of mind to talk with me again.
I missed him like crazy those first few weeks. I never knew how hard it would be to be apart from him. He was like an addiction and my withdrawal from him was unbearable to say the least. Eventually being away from him was just too hard and I decided I had to make the first move, I decided to accompany my friends when they went to his house one Friday night. Several weeks had done by since I had last seen him and absolutely nothing could have prepared me for the initial heartache I would feel when I first saw him again.
He was utterly astonished to see me at his house and the horrified expression on his face was enough to make me doubt my decision to go there. He was polite enough and we managed to survive our first awkward conversation together. His anger towards me seemed to have gone and for that I was thankful. I thought it would only be a matter of time before Jake and I started hanging out again, I decided to be patient and give him some space. Of course, it never happened. Jake was never around, he was always working and then would mysteriously go somewhere every Friday night.
I finally came to the conclusion that he must have met someone else. It was enough to drive me insane and I swore to myself I would find out who she was. I became obsessed, wondering who the hell he was with and it’s safe to say I’ve made a complete fool of myself over the last few weeks in front of him.
I hit my lowest point when Jake threw me out of his house. I’d been drinking all night and I was desperate. I was determined to find out who he’d been seeing and he repaid me by treating me like dirt, humiliating me in front of everybody. His reaction that night made me realise I had really lost him, my future with Jake died when our baby did.
I decided to go to Jake’s house last night because I had run out of ideas. I didn’t want him to forget about me and if that meant I had to keep on reminding him about our history and my existence then so be it. I don’t regret going last night because I now know what I’m dealing with. I know who I’m up against.
I really thought Jake had changed his mind when he turned up on my doorstep an hour ago. I thought he had come to tell me that he was sorry and that he wanted to give me a second chance.
I’m still holding the glass of water in my hand, staring out my kitchen window as though I’m miraculously going to find a solution out there. The house is eerily quiet, my dad’s more than likely passed out at a local bar somewhere and God knows where my mum is. She’s been away for the past week or so, she’s rarely even here. The silence makes things worse and the jumbled up thoughts in my head won’t stop swirling.
I just know that little bitch I met last night will have an idyllic home life, two perfect parents and a white picket fence in the suburbs. Jealousy and resentment consume me when I think of everything she’s stolen from me. I fling the glass at the wall opposite me, watching it shatter into tiny pieces. I can’t be bothered to clean up the mess and decide to leave it as it is. I drag myself upstairs and make my way into the bathroom, removing my clothes and turn on the shower.
I stand underneath the water for a very long time. I completely exhausted and have no idea where I’m supposed to go from him. I’ve lost everything and nothing seems to matter to me anymore. I want to cry and rid myself of the tangled up emotion inside of me but I have no more tears left. I’ve never felt defeated like this and I don’t intend for this useless state of mind to last.
I might be injured, I might be wounded but I am not broken. I still want him. I’ve always wanted him and I’m not the type of girl who stands by and lets another bitch take what is rightfully hers. She might have won the battle but she will not win the war. She’s delusional if she thinks I’m going to let her get away with this.
I switch off the shower and step out of it, wrapping a large towel around myself. I walk over to the bathroom mirror and wipe away the condensation on it, revealing my reflection. I smile to myself, feeling a lot more optimistic than I did a few minutes ago. That silly little girl can’t even begin to compete, it might take some time but it will all be worth it in the end. I’ve already waited so many years; a couple more months won’t make much difference. I won Jake once and I can do it again, except this time I won’t need to get myself pregnant to do it. She should enjoy her happiness whilst she still can, if I have it my way it won’t last very long.
I glance at my reflection again and notice my blue eyes are now sparkling, they look energised and hopeful, the complete opposite of how I felt after Jake left. For the first time in a long while I feel confident and upbeat.
Now this is going to be fun…
Chapter Twenty Two
Bethany
Jake’s concern and his excessive anxiety about my safety was enough to drive me crazy during the first few days after that fateful night. I kept on reassuring him that I was ok but nothing I said was enough to convince him. He wanted us to go to the police and report what happened, something I knew was impossible because it would mean Jake would g
o to prison for his own crime against my attacker.
I blamed myself for what happened and I didn’t want Jake to be the one to suffer for my own stupidity. No woman ever deserves to be assaulted but I do have to take my share of the responsibility. It was my own irrationality that caused me to run away from Jake in the first place. I never should have put myself in such a dangerous situation.
I admit there are times I find myself lying to Jake. He’ll ask me if I’m ok and I’ll tell him that I’m fine, when in actual fact it couldn’t be further from the truth. I suppose on some level I’m trying to convince myself that I’m ok. I don’t want to think that anything’s changed. I want to believe that I’m no different, that I haven’t been damaged by the events that changed my life on Wednesday night.
The façade I put on for Jake is not the truth. I have nightmares, terrible ones that prevent me from forgetting what that animal did to me. I know we have to keep it a secret, Jake will be arrested if we go to the police and tell them what happened.
I was furious with Jake when he told me he visited Sarah the day after my horrible altercation with her. I felt betrayed and hated the thought of him being anywhere near her. He did eventually manage to explain things to me, he told me he warned her to stay away from us and I just hoped she had listened to him and would leave well alone from now on.
It was obvious there was still something bothering him, he was emotionally distant and I just sensed something else was troubling him. I wanted him to feel like he could talk about it but my instincts told me I shouldn’t force the issue. Jake eventually did confide in me and I could hardly believe it when he told me he had found out Sarah had been cheating on him long before he caught her that night. I don’t think his problem was the fact she had cheated, it was about the baby. He despised the thought of her going with other men whilst pregnant. I confess, it did shock me and I couldn’t help but sympathise with him. Jake was really suffering; he was terrorized by the past and the knowledge of Sarah’s indiscretions. There was nothing I could do about it and it and this wounded my ego more than I care to admit.
I was incredibly relieved when gran was released from the hospital just a few days after her fall. I was really looking forward to having her back home again. It would bring an end to my regular meetings with Jake but I always knew that it couldn’t last forever and I was ready to reacquaint myself with reality.
I needn’t have worried, gran surprised us all when she announced that she’d arranged a little holiday for herself whilst she was in hospital. Mum was really concerned when gran told us the news; she thought the best place for her would be her own home and somewhere we could keep an eye on her. I could understand where mum was coming from but gran was determined, an old school friend of hers had invited her to stay for a few weeks and she really wanted the rest and recuperation.
Gran was so excited; mum didn’t have the heart to stop her. She promised she’d let us know how she was doing every single day and in the end we didn’t have much choice in the matter.
All my life gran has put me first, she never went on any vacations or weekends away and now that I look back, I can see it was because she wanted to remain close by. She’s always put my welfare above her own and now it’s time for me to put her needs first. Gran knows that I have Jake now and I think she feels comfortable leaving me here with him to take care of me. It’s amazing how much trust she’s placed in him, I think she realises how things really are between us. She knows how protective Jake is and trusts in his abilities to keep me safe.
Friday was a day we were all dreading, the day my father was due to return home. We all recognised that our brief taste of freedom was about to come to an end and the torturous wait for his return was almost too much to bear. Jake was still being unbelievably persistent trying to persuade me to leave home and move in with him. I feel guilty turning him down over and over again but it’s way too soon. I love Jake but I can’t help feeling it’s not the right time for either of us to make such a monumental decision.
The arguments we’ve been having leave me emotionally and physically exhausted. Jake would get frustrated and I’d be just plain mad. Our disagreements were getting in the way of our time together and the constant rowing was draining us both.
Imagine our delight when my mum informed me that my father had telephoned to let her know he was extending his ‘business trip’ for another week. I couldn’t believe it, he’s never been away from home before and here he was prolonging his time away for another seven days. I can’t help but wonder if he still expects me to go on our damn vacation when he gets back. That’s when we’re scheduled to go and I don’t know what I’ll do if he still insists upon us going.
I remember the night he told me he’d arranged for us to go away together, it felt like the end of the world to me and I was powerless to do anything about it. I went to bed that night feeling desolate and alone. I had no idea then that my life was about to change, it was the week before I met Jake, the boy who altered every single aspect of my world.
Jake was calmer once he knew my father wouldn’t be home for another week and I chose not to mention my anxiety over the stupid holiday we’re supposed to be going on. When I first met Jake I did tell him about it but so much has happened since then, I think he’s forgotten all about it. I intend to keep it that way seeing as it will only cause more arguments between us and that’s the last thing I want.
My new living situation has been blissful. Especially since I don’t have to work in the bookstore whilst my father’s away; I guess he doesn’t trust me to be there without his supervision seeing as he closed the shop when he first left.
The second week flew by and the only word I can think of to describe it is perfect. I was in heaven and every single moment of my freedom was precious. I spent as much time with Jake as I could; we found the time to meet up with one another everyday and each time I was forced to tell mum I was spending time with Amy. My conscience doesn’t seem to trouble me like it once did and it unnerves me that I now find it easier to deceive her.
I could tell she was dreading Friday again just like I was. It was the day he was scheduled to come home, a week after his last phone call telling us he would be away a bit longer. I couldn’t sleep the night before and on Friday morning I had dark circles under my eyes from lack of sleep. My father had been away for fourteen days and the fear over his imminent return.
When mum told me he had yet again postponed his time away and wouldn’t be back for a few weeks, I could scarcely believe my luck. My elation didn’t last long; I couldn’t shake the disturbing awareness I had that something was wrong. I questioned his motives and it started to ruin my exhilaration over him being away. My exuberance was nothing compared to Jake’s, he was ecstatic when I told him the news and he was so much more relaxed without my father’s looming presence hanging over us.
This morning I wake up to the sun’s rays streaming in through my bedroom curtains. I’ve had three glorious weeks without his suffocating presence smothering the life out of me and today I decide to stop troubling myself over the things I have no control over. We haven’t heard from him since his last phone call which was seven days ago and there’s no sign he’s heading back here anytime soon. From now on I’m going to enjoy every single moment and deal with problems only when they arise. It’s a much more carefree of looking at things and it eases the weight of the burden I’ve been carrying for a long time.
I wipe the sleep out of my eyes and make my way into the bathroom, wondering why I still feel so tired when I’ve been getting plenty of rest. I suppose I could be sickening for something, it’s probably just the early symptoms of a cold coming.
I’m in the middle of washing my hair in the shower when I realise why I’ve been feeling so lousy these past few days. My period must be due and I sometimes feel a little groggy around this time of the month. I’m towel drying my hair after my shower when I freeze, a horrifying thought suddenly occurs to me. When was the last time I got my per
iod? It must have only been a few weeks ago but for some reason it seems to feel like a long time.
God, what if I’m pregnant? Is that why I’ve been so tired lately? No, it can’t be true, that’s impossible, the idea is ludicrous. I can’t be pregnant, can I?
Ignoring mum’s voice shouting upstairs that my breakfast is ready, I hurry back into my bedroom and hastily search the contents of my top drawer. I thumb through my little black notebook, frantically turning the pages to today’s date. My hands are shaking and I can scarcely breathe I’m so nervous. I arrive on the current date and blink several times, doubting the accuracy of my sight. I turn back the pages and land on the tiny little circle I drew a few weeks ago. Five weeks ago to be exact… I’m seven days late.
My eyes blur with unshed tears as I forcefully bite down on my lower lip. My period is one week late and that can’t be good. It makes no sense because Jake and I have been so careful these last two weeks, he insisted that he start wearing a condom because I didn’t want to take on the responsibility of concealing multiple packets of contraceptive pills at home.
I think back to the very first time Jake and I had sex. We didn’t use anything then and we continued to be careless for a few days after that. The last time we were careless was the night we were in the shower together, the same night Jake rescued me from that pervert and that was just over two weeks ago. How could I have been so stupid? Jake tried to warn me after our first time together and I just thought he was being paranoid.
I’m suddenly startled by a knock on my bedroom door, its mum asking if I’m coming downstairs for my breakfast. Food is the last thing on my mind right now but it’s not like I can tell her the reason why. I place my black notebook back inside my top drawer, wiping away the last of my tears. I can’t let mum suspect anything is wrong, I have to act normal. Besides, it might just be a false alarm; I doubt I’m really pregnant. It’s just not possible.
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