“You’re not exactly making this easy for me. I’m trying to tell you but you’re being really hostile towards me.” I argue, raking my fingers through my hair.
He’s not even trying to be sympathetic and the more demanding he is of me the more I want to clam up and avoid the whole situation altogether. Deciding I need a breather, I push him out of the way and head into the living room. He grabs my wrist, spinning me around to face him. I scowl at him and wait for him to relinquish his hold on me but his grip tightens around my wrist, securing his grasp.
“It’s Callum, isn’t it?” He growls menacingly, his eyes are simmering with contempt; ablaze with an unjustifiable fury towards me.
I try to step away from him but his left hand grabs my other wrist, preventing me from putting any distance between us.
“What are you talking about? Callum has nothing to do with this.”
“Don’t you dare say his name. I don’t want to hear you speak his name. Ever.” He warns me disdainfully.
“Jake, let go! You’re hurting me.”
I grapple with him to let go of my wrists but he refuses to let go. He’s somehow managed to convince himself I have to tell him something about Callum. He’s automatically assumed the worse and convinced himself I’ve betrayed him.
“I’m not letting you go until you tell me everything. What have you done with him?” He demands, shaking me roughly, as though he can somehow force the truth out of me.
“How can you ask me that? I haven’t done anything with him, I haven’t even seen him!” I shout angrily.
“I don’t believe you! I saw how guilty you looked a moment ago and I want to know what’s so damn difficult for you to tell me.”
“Let. Me. Go.” I speak slowly but with a calm determination. I will not speak to him whilst he’s holding seizing me like this.
He sighs in frustration but reluctantly release his grip, turning his back on me. I take my opportunity and quietly slip into the living room, leaving him out in the hallway. I stand by the window, hardly able to control my trembling. I suddenly feel Jake’s hands on my shoulders, turning me around to look at him.
“Tell me, I need to know what’s happened? You contacted him, right? You met up with him behind my back?”
“No, that’s not what happened.” I tell him truthfully.
“Then why did you look so guilty? You still look guilty and I want to know why.”
“I think I should go, you’re obviously not going to listen to anything I have to say right now.” I say solemnly, walking towards the door that leads back into the hallway.
Jake is barring my exit and blocking my path before I even make it halfway there.
“He fucked you, didn’t he?”
His words are like venom, wounding me beyond repair. He towers above me, his height such a huge contrast to my own. He overpowers me in every single sense and yet I’m still not scared of him. I know Jake would never hurt me and as furious as he is right now that’s not going to change. He’s aggressive, angry, passionate and intense but he’d rather die than touch a single hair on my head.
“Don’t you dare! Don’t you dare say that to me! I would never, ever betray you like that.” My voice breaks as my eyes fill with tears of frustration. Pleading with the man I love and trying to convince him of my commitment to him is something I never imagined myself doing.
“I can see you’re hiding something, I can see it in your eyes. Don’t torture me, Bethany. I need to know.”
His breathing’s erratic and his teeth are clenched. I can see the muscle in his jaw flinching underneath the skin, his anger is so immense.
“You really have to calm down, just look at what you’re doing to yourself. You’re in such a state over something that hasn’t even happened!”
“I fucking loved you! I still love you, Bethany. I don’t know how to stop but I need you to stop lying to me. Tell me what you’re hiding from me.”
“You’re right, I do have something to tell you but it’s got nothing to do with Callum. I haven’t seen or spoken to him since the night you saw us together.”
“God, I can’t stop picturing it. The mental image I have of the two of you together is driving me fucking crazy. I need to know what you’re keeping from me before I go insane picturing you with him.” He roars, pacing back and forth like a wild animal.
“You don’t need to imagine anything because it didn’t happen.”
I’m trying so hard to remain calm, it’s important for me to stay rational, even if every instinct in my body is screaming at me to run away from him.
Jake turns away from me. It’s as though he can’t even look at me anymore; his eyes are searching for something, moving rapidly over every object in the room and I can only hope he’s not looking for something he can break. He stops suddenly, glowering at me incredulously, it’s like a horrifying thought just occurred to him.
“Did you lie to me about your virginity? Is that what this is about? Was I really your first?” He asks, whirling around to glare at me.
“Of course you were! How can you say such a thing to me? Why won’t you believe me?” I sob despairingly.
“You didn’t bleed.” He mumbles darkly, a frightening and formidable tone takes over his voice.
“What?” I whisper disbelievingly. I can hardly speak, my heart is pounding and my throat feels dry.
“When we had sex you didn’t bleed. If you really were a virgin then you would have.”
His gaze flashes up to mine, staring at me with cold, detached eyes; one’s which are now devoid of any emotion. It’s enough to send chills down my spine.
“What are you saying, Jake?”
“I’m saying that it all makes sense now. Someone fucked you before me and that’s why you didn’t bleed.” He growls.
“Are you crazy? Not every girl bleeds, Jake! It doesn’t mean I wasn’t a virgin just because I didn’t. Anyway, how would you know that? You told me you’ve never taken someone’s virginity before. Were you the one lying to me?”
My own jealousy is awakened as I await his reply. Jake remains silent, he doesn’t give me an answer and my heart starts to beat rapidly.
“No, I didn’t lie to you.” His voice sounds convincing but his face says something different.
Forget this; I’m done trying to reason with him. I’m exhausted, emotionally and physically. I came here with one intention and that was to tell Jake that I’m pregnant. I’m no closer to telling him the truth than I was the moment we stepped through the front door and Jake’s the only one I blame for that.
“I’m going to kill him. I’m going to fucking kill him. Where is he? Where does he live?”
He grabs my arms, shaking me, demanding details that I don’t have.
“I don’t know where he lives! I’ve already told you I haven’t been in touch with him!” I cry helplessly.
He remains still and unflinching, a cold suit of armour between us, preventing him from feeling anything but bitterness and resentment.
“Tell me!” He shouts, so close to my face we’re practically nose to nose.
“I’m leaving. This is ridiculous; you’re not listening to a single word I’m saying. You’re not the boy I know and love right now. I don’t know who the hell you are but you’re not him.”
“You’re not going anywhere until you tell me what your secret is. If it’s not Callum and it’s not about your virginity what the fuck is it?”
“I’m going home. Don’t you dare try and stop me.” I lift my face up towards his as a challenge.
My portrayal of courage seems to work because he finally surrenders, letting go of my arms. I slowly start to walk away from him, taking a look back when I reach the doorway. He drags his fingers through his black hair, letting his head fall back helplessly. His eyes are closed as he swallows; his shoulders rise and fall with every strenuous breath. He’s in so much pain; I know I can’t leave him here like this. Jake has said some unforgivable things to me tonight but I promised
him a long time ago that I would stop running out on him. I promised I wouldn’t leave him and I’m going to stick to that promise.
“What are you still doing here? You said you were leaving.” He says spitefully.
“I never betrayed you, Jake. I haven’t cheated. However, I did come here tonight to tell you something and I still need to do that.”
“Go ahead, surprise me.” He sneers, his words dripping with sarcasm scorn.
“I’m pregnant.”
The stillness in the air is deafening, our elongated silence is making me much more uncomfortable than our raised voices were a moment ago.
“Wow.” He breathes out slowly, chuckling contemptuously.
“That’s all you have to say?” I say incredulously, ignoring the rage threatening to consume me.
“That’s really low, Bethany. You think I’m actually going to believe that lie again? I’ve been told that one before I’m not falling for it again.” His toxic tongue cuts me like a knife and for the first time I feel a real sense of hatred for Jake, something I never thought was even possible.
“It’s true. I found out today.” My voice is calm, coherent and certain. I’m done with tantrums and the tears.
“But… what about Callum?”
“I haven’t seen or spoken to him since that night. I’m telling you the truth. I’m pregnant and don’t insult me by asking if it’s your baby. You’re the only person I’ve ever been with and you know it.”
All of a sudden my body feels weary, my head hurts and all I want to do is curl up into a ball and disappear. I used to think that Jake was the only person in the whole world who would never, ever hurt me. I guess I was wrong.
I’m shocked and startled when two strong arms envelope me. My forehead, face and lips are covered with kisses as Jake murmurs his apologies to me over and over again.
“God, I’ve been a fucking idiot. I’m so sorry; I’m unbelievably sorry, baby. I don’t know what I was thinking. I doubted you and I shouldn’t have. I thought you were about to break my heart, I thought you were going to rip it out of my chest and stomp all over it, that’s why I said what I did. I’ve never had one reason to question you and yet I still doubted. Please forgive me; I’ll make it all ok again, I promise you I’ll fix this. Everything will be fine. We’re ok. You believe me, don’t you?” The agony and anguish in his voice is palpable, such a huge contrast to the ruthless aggression he showed me a moment ago.
“I don’t know, Jake. How can you take back everything you just said? Most of it was pretty unforgivable.” I say dubiously.
“It was unforgivable, all of it. I know I fucked up but please let me make this right. I’ll do anything. Look at me, Bethany. Look at me and tell me you’re ok, tell me you forgive me.”
He cups my face with his hands, forcing me to look him in the eyes. They burn with a ferocious intensity for me, smouldering with want and desperation. He pulls me even tighter against him, nuzzling against my neck, breathing me in. He frantically tries to make contact with every part of me, trailing his lips up and down my neck, moving my T-shirt aside to reach my shoulders and my collarbone.
“Stop.” I protest weakly, fighting every single urge in my body, trying to numb myself to the exquisite sensations Jake’s touch ignites.
“No, don’t fight me, Bethany. Let me make this right. I can make you feel good, you know I can. Let me do this, I’ll show you how sorry I am.” He whispers soothingly, attempting to shush me.
It’s unbelievably difficult but I somehow manage to find the strength to push him away from me, unwilling to surrender myself to him so easily.
“You can’t just fix everything with a few measly kisses, Jake.”
“At least let me try…” He moves towards me again but I turn my face away, stubbornly refusing his persuasive pursuit.
“Bethany, I’m begging you… don’t do this. Don’t push me away, not now, not when we need each other the most. I’m so ashamed of myself , I’m disgusted and I’ll keep on apologising to you for the rest of my life if I have to but right now we have to talk about things. You’re having my baby.” He traces his thumb down the side of my face, gazing at me in reverence.
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you since we walked through the door. What are we going to do, Jake? I’m so scared.”
I can’t fight this anymore; I don’t want to be brave. I want to break down I cry, I want to scream and shout and use Jake as punch bag. I need to release a fraction of this fear before it eats me alive.
“Sweetheart, you don’t have to worry, ok? I’m going to take care of you. I’ll protect you, I swear.” He strides over towards me, enfolding his powerful arms around me once again.
“I can’t believe this is really happening to me. I don’t want this, Jake.”
“I know. I know it’s a shock and it’s going to take us both some time to get used to the idea but I want you to know something. You have to know that I’m here, I’m not going anywhere. I lost my mind for a second back there and I realise what a selfish, jealous, possessive and overbearing bastard I can be. I lashed out at the person I love most in the world. It’s no excuse but I honestly thought you were going to tell me something that would hurt no less than plunging a knife into my heart. You’re my whole world and now there’s this baby, a baby that’s a part of us, you and me.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
He’s rendered me absolutely speechless. I should have known that Jake would feel the same about this baby as he did about his own and Sarah’s. Jake would make a wonderful father, he’d be an incredible parent but I just don’t think I’m ready to be one. I’m twenty years old and I’ve always lived such a sheltered and secluded life up until now. I want my own existence before having a baby, I want to see the world, experience life and find my own identity. I have no idea how I can say any of this to Jake, will my decision break his heart? Sarah’s miscarriage almost destroyed him, am I really going to do that to him again?
“When did you find out?” He asks.
“This morning, I realised my period was late and knew I had to find out for sure. I went to the bookstore and borrowed some money from the till so I could buy a pregnancy test, both of them came back positive. They’re upstairs; I left them here knowing it would be too risky to get rid of them at home. I can show you them if you want.” I offer, knowing he might need to see them with his own eyes to truly believe it.
“I believe you; you don’t have to show me.” He pauses unexpectedly, his eyes fixating on mine.
“What is it?”
“Were you pregnant the night you met Sarah, the night you were attacked?” His voice is unsteady, his magnificent eyes swirling with the violent emotions building up inside him.
“I don’t know. It’s possible I suppose.”
“I can’t bear the thought of you being pregnant when that bastard put his hands on you.”
We both remain quiet, his forehead touching mine, no sound to be heard other than the ticking of the clock in the living room. We’re standing in such close proximity, our breaths mingling together.
“I think I’m still in shock. All I feel is numb.” I tell him.
“What have you eaten today?” He enquires, studying my face.
“Nothing, I couldn’t face anything.”
“Bethany, you need to eat. It’s more important now than ever.” He says sternly.
“I know it sounds ridiculous but food was the last thing on my mind.”
“And you’re trembling, it’s freezing in here. I’m going to go and run you a hot bath and then I’ll fix you something to eat.” His voice is gentle and reassuring, there’s no trace of anger in him whatsoever.
I nod my head in agreement, allowing Jake to pick me up and carry me up the stairs. He taps my bedroom door open with his foot and places me on the bed. He tries to move away from me but my hand clings to his shirt, I don’t want him to leave.
“Where are you going?”
“I’m goin
g to start your bath, baby. I’ll be back in two minutes.” He places a delicate kiss on my forehead before leaving the room.
I must have dozed off because the next thing I know Jake is whispering my name, trying to rouse me from sleep.
“That was fast.” I mumble sleepily, causing him to chuckles softly.
“You fell asleep, I hate to wake you up but you’re so cold, you really need to warm up.”
“A bath does sound pretty good.” I smile, starting to peel off my clothes.
“As much as I’d love to stay and watch, I’m going to go downstairs and see if your gran has anything in the house to eat.”
“Thank you, Jake. Thanks for taking care of me.”
“That’s my job.” He winks at me, flashing me one of his magnificent smiles. The boy before me is so different to the one I encountered earlier; it’s hard to believe they’re the same person.
I can’t help smiling when I see the amount of bubbles Jake’s put in my bath; it’s safe to say that he went a little overboard. I stay in there for some time, savouring the peace and quiet, attempting to relax my body. After I get out, I decide to change into an oversized dressing gown instead of my own clothes, relishing the feel of the plush carpet underneath my feet.
I find Jake in the kitchen with his back to me, staring out the window into the darkness. His hands are resting on the kitchen counter, supporting the tiredness in his body; he looks so depleted and weary. I can’t even begin to imagine what my revelation has done to him, the memories he’s being forced to relive must be excruciating. The last thing I ever wanted was to hurt him.
I clear my throat, alerting him to my presence. He whirls around, plastering a false smile on his face.
“How was your bath?”
“It was great but I think you may have overdone it with all the bubbles.” I joke.
“Sorry, I’m just not used to baths, I prefer showers.”
“It’s fine.” I assure him.
“You can go into the front room if you want; I put the fire on in there so it should be a bit warmer by now. I’ll be through in a minute after the kettle has boiled.”
I squeeze his hand gratefully, wondering what I’d do without him, padding into the sitting room which is much cosier now that gran’s coal fire has been lit. I move her armchair a little closer towards it and curl up on it. It doesn’t take long for me to become engrossed in watching the powerful flames flicker, appreciating the warmth on my face.
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