I can’t believe the things I said how painful it must have been for her to be accused of something she hadn’t even done. It’s no excuse but I sometimes find it hard not to judge all women by the same standards that I would use to condemn Sarah. I was relentless in my interrogation; I needed to find out exactly what had happened between them. I needed to know if it was something I’d be able to forgive, something I’d be able to move on from. The pathetic part is I know I would still want her, even if she had told me she’d cheated; I would still be in love with her.
Underneath all of my rage was the undeniable agony that comes with heartache. I honestly believed I had been betrayed and the really fucked up thing is I knew I still loved her. If she had told me that she was leaving me for Callum and that she wanted to be with him, I still would have begged her to give us another chance. That’s how crazy I am in love with this girl. My need to be with her takes precedence over everything else in my life and the intensity of my love for her is unable to be described.
I experienced a confusing combination of relief and dismay when she finally told me she was pregnant. It felt like déjà vu all over again, except this time I was actually in love with the girl standing in front of me telling me she’s going to have my baby. It physically hurts me to see her in so much pain, to see her so desperate and that’s why I’m so eager for her to go and see her doctor. They’re the professionals and I’m hoping they’ll be able to put her mind at rest and answer all the questions I can’t.
I’m still so damn angry with myself for letting this happen and for putting her in this situation. I knew I was being too fucking careless, I knew the risks we were taking all those times we didn’t use anything and I still couldn’t seem to help myself. It makes me sound so weak, a typical guy with a one track mind.
I’m now ashamed to admit that I’ve been with all kinds of women, every single one of them has been attractive and some of them have even been beautiful. I’ve had my fair share of experience when it comes to the opposite sex and that’s why I’m so amazed that none of them were able to captivate me the way that she does. There’s something about Bethany, I’ve found her irresistible since the moment I met her and now that she’s carrying my baby, I’m even more enthralled by her.
I still think it’s only a matter of time before she realises what a fucked up waste of space I really am and leaves me. I dread the day she figures it all out, the day she finally comes to her senses and realises she’s far too good for me and always has been. I even have nightmares about it; in them she’s always telling me to get lost or declaring her hatred for me over and over again. I sometimes chase after her but its no use, I can never catch her. I wake up with my heart pounding and my head spinning, praying that my twisted nightmares will never become a reality.
That’s why I’m almost relieved this pregnancy has happened. Now that she’s having my baby a small part of me might be able to relax and find comfort in the knowledge that we’re now connected for life. There will always be a part of us that exists, she could still walk away from me but she will never be able to walk away from the truth. The truth is she will have my baby and there’s nothing on this earth that will be able to change it.
When I first found out Sarah was pregnant sixth months ago, all I cared about was the baby. I didn’t care about my relationship with Sarah at all and only stayed with her to keep myself close to the baby. She was only four weeks pregnant when she told me about it and I already knew I felt nothing for her. In spite of everything I knew I had to at least try and make things work between us for the sake of the baby.
With Bethany it’s completely different, I cannot and will not lose her, it’s simply not an option and it never will be.
I was surrounded by my own darkness before I met her; I suppose you could say I was used to existing in the shadows. I was lost; drowning in my own sadness and the only flicker of light came when I found Bethany. I came alive the night I met her and I’m not about to let her go. I need her more than I need air but I also need her to keep this baby. When she eventually decides that’s also what she wants, nothing and no one will keep us apart…
Chapter Twenty Five
Bethany
The weekend seems to last forever and I spend most of the time hiding out in my room or texting Jake. He’s still adamant that we arrange an appointment for me to see the doctor as soon as they’re open on Monday. I feel sick with dread when I think about having my pregnancy confirmed. It will just make it all the more real and I’m not quite sure I’m ready to deal with that yet.
I’m pretty much bombarded with texts from Jake the whole weekend; he’s constantly checking up on me, asking if I’ve eaten and if I’m feeling ok. It’s exhausting and even though I appreciate his concern, it’s been difficult for me finding the time to respond to all of his messages. It’s hard enough keeping things from mum without worrying about my phone being discovered. I’m sure she suspects something already and I don’t want to risk her asking me any awkward questions.
The only requirement I make for Monday is that I see a female doctor. I’m not comfortable or at ease with men in general, let alone discussing my sexual relationship or missed period with one. The thought of it is absolutely mortifying.
On Monday I wake up with butterflies in my stomach. Today’s the day everything in my life will change. I receive an early morning text from Jake to let me know he’s managed to make an appointment for me later this afternoon. My hands start trembling when I read his text and I feel the beginning of a full blown panic attack trying to take control. I close my eyes, telling myself everything will be ok, it just has to be.
I don’t know what I’m going to tell mum, I’ll probably have to use the excuse of meeting up with Amy again. I know my excuse has been well and truly overused but I don’t have anything else to tell her. My father has kept so isolated and secluded over the years, friendships were impossible.
I make my way downstairs after my shower, bleary eyed and still exhausted. I hardly got any sleep last night; I kept tossing and turning with worry about my appointment I knew would be today. I find mum in the kitchen making me some breakfast and I don’t have the heart to tell her I don’t want anything.
“Good morning, Bethany. Did you sleep ok?” She greets me cheerfully.
“Yeah, I suppose so.” I mumble quietly, walking over towards the kettle and switching it on.
“Are you sure? You look a little pale.” She says, placing the back of her hand on my forehead to check my temperature.
“I’m fine; I’ve only just woken up.” I reply grumpily.
She glances at me with an anxious expression on her face, deciding to say nothing. I almost wish she would push me a little further; if she were a bit more persistent with me then I’d maybe choose to open up to her. I suppose it’s not her fault, the truth is she’s never had a choice in the matter. She’s learnt to stay quiet and accept things as they are, she doesn’t ask questions because she’s always been told her opinion doesn’t matter. Silence has been her saviour and her solitude.
“Do you want some breakfast?” She asks, changing the subject.
“I’m just going to have some toast.” I mumble.
The rest of the morning I spend watching TV and lounging around the house, waiting for the inevitable. I can’t concentrate on anything; the daytime talk shows go unnoticed and I can’t even focus on my reading, something which has always been a favourite pastime of mine.
When it’s almost time for me to leave and meet with Jake, I go in search of mum. I find her in the kitchen in the middle of tidying the cupboards. Of course they don’t need tidying but I don’t think it really matters to her; she just wants something to do.
“Mum, I’m going out for a bit if that’s ok. I want some fresh air.”
“I thought you weren’t feeling well.” She questions me.
“I told you I’m fine. I might call in and see Amy on my way back.” I snap.
“Fine. Have a nice time.”
She replies sullenly.
I remain silent; she’s never spoken to me like this before. The distance between us is growing and the hostility in the room right now is palpable. I have no idea how to salvage our relationship, there’s nothing I can do or say that would make this right. The only way would be to tell her the truth and if I do that I’ll be jeopardising my entire future with Jake.
It’s only been three days since I last saw him but it feels more like three years. I asked him to give me space this weekend and allow me some time to absorb what I found out on Friday. He accepted my decision and that’s why he’s been checking in on me via text message instead. It’s getting harder and harder to say goodbye to him when we part ways. The house I live in no longer feels like home, I don’t know if it ever has been. The temptation to give in to Jake and agree to go and live with him but I’m just not ready to turn my back on mum yet. I can’t leave her behind.
Jake and I arranged where we would meet on Friday. We’re going to order a taxi from there which will then take us on to the doctor’s surgery. I spot Jake in the distance, already waiting for me and incredibly anxious.
“Jake?”
He whirls around, relief written all over his face.
“Bethany, I’ve missed you so much. Come here.” He says, pulling me against his chest.
“It’s only been three days.” I laugh, not wanting to admit how badly I’ve missed him as well.
“I don’t care, it felt like a year.” He mutters, nuzzling into my neck.
“Did you phone a taxi?” I ask, placing my hands on his chest.
“No, I wanted to wait until you got here. I’ll do it now.”
He doesn’t take his eyes off me whilst making the call; they wander up and down my body, taking in every detail. His penetrating stare makes me tremble. The scorching heat I feel from him is beyond anything I’ve ever experience before.
“Will they be long?” I ask soon as Jake hangs up.
“It will be here in ten minutes.”
There’s an awkward silence between us and I have no idea what we’re supposed to say. I turn around and sit down on the ground besides the road. I’m now in the exact same spot I was sitting in the night Jake first collided into me. It’s only been a few weeks since that fateful night, the night everything changed.
“So all we have to do now is wait.” I say softly.
“I guess so.” Jake replies, sitting down next to me. “Listen, this may sound like a stupid question but how are you feeling? Now that you’ve had the weekend to think about things, has the news sunk in a little bit?”
“Not really, I still feel like I’m trapped in some sort of dream or something. Nothing feels real anymore, it’s like I’ve gone numb.”
“That’s understandable, it’s going to take a while for it to sink in… for both of us.”
I glance up at him, consumed by the overpowering wave of guilt that washes over me. I’ve been so preoccupied with myself, only focusing on how this pregnancy is going to change my life and affect me. What about Jake? He’s been through this before; he’s already lost a baby he had fallen in love with, am I really going to make him go through the pain of losing another?
“I’m really sorry, Jake. I’ve been selfish; I’ve barely considered your feelings throughout all of this.”
“It’s my job to protect you and that includes all the worrying that comes with it. You’re the one that’s important; the only thing I want you to focus on right now is taking care of yourself.” He strokes a strand of my brown hair between his fingers, his voice so protective and strong. “That reminds me, what have you eaten today?”
I resist the urge to roll my eyes, reluctant to have this conversation again.
“I had a slice of toast this morning.”
“And that’s all you’ve? Bethany, we talked about this and you promised me that you would start eating better.”
“Jake, please let’s not have this argument again. My diet never bothered you before.” I grumble petulantly, he makes me feel like a child when he talks to me like this.
“You weren’t carrying my baby before and I never knew how poorly you ate.” Jake says harshly.
Before I have a chance to respond to him, our taxi pulls up, swiftly putting an end to our discussion. Neither one of us says anything throughout the journey. The driver makes some small talk with Jake but I can’t take in anything they’re saying. Jake and I are sitting in the back of the car and I’m grateful when he takes hold of my hand, interlacing our fingers together in a comforting gesture. I can feel his eyes on me the whole way there, watching me as I gaze out the backseat window, observing the busy afternoon traffic passing us by. For so long I wanted to be a part of the outside world, I longed to be in charge of my own existence and make my own decisions. I dreamt of the day I would be able to escape the prison my father created to control me. I’ve only caught a glimpse of the world beyond the four walls I live in but still hope that one day I’ll see more of it. I want Jake to be the one who will show it to me and can’t wait for the day I will be truly free from my father.
We eventually arrive at our destination and the butterflies in my stomach multiply in their quantity, fluttering their little wings with dread and trepidation of what’s to come. I stare up at the building whilst Jake pays the driver, wondering if he will allow me to just turn around go back home. If I were on my own that’s probably what I’d end up doing.
“You ready?” Jake asks, taking hold of my hand.
“Ready as I’ll ever be.” I mumble timidly.
Once we’re in the waiting room I can’t seem to do anything but fidget. We haven’t discussed whether Jake will come in to see the doctor with me and if I’m being honest with myself, I think I’d prefer it if he doesn’t.
“Everything’s going to be ok. You know that, right?” Jake says, turning around in his seat so he can face me.
“Jake, I know this might not make a lot of sense to you but I want to ask if it would be ok for me to go in to see the doctor by myself.”
I notice a brief look of hurt flash across his face but he quickly tries to hide it.
“Of course it is. If you’re sure that’s what you want?” He takes my hand in his, tracing circles across the side of my hand with his thumb.
The sound of my name being called out startles us both. It’s time for my appointment and its time for me to face what’s actually happening to me.
“That’s me.” I whisper, stating the obvious.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to come in there with you?” His eyes search mine, looking for a glimpse of uncertainty in them.
“No, I want to do this by myself.” I smile at him weakly before turning away and walking through the door that leads me out of the waiting room.
I make my way down the corridor on legs that tremble, trying to locate the right room and take a deep breath before knocking on the door in front of me.
“Come in.”
I open the door and am greeted by a smiling, middle aged woman sitting at her desk.
“Hi.” I say nervously, taking a seat opposite her.
“How can I help you today, Bethany?”
I’m surprised that she referred to me using my first name. This woman is a perfect stranger to me but I suppose my name comes up on my medical records. Regardless of how she knows my name, her friendly manner instantly puts me at ease.
“Well… three days ago I took two pregnancy tests and both of them came back positive.” I speak quickly, wringing my hands together and refusing to meet her understanding gaze.
“Ok, the first thing I need to do know is the date of your last period.” She tells me, all business like and professional.
I tell her the date, thankful that I decided to memorise it from the little black book I keep in my drawer.
“I realised I was a week late on Friday, so now I’m ten days late.” I explain to her.
“If you’ve taken two pregnancy tests and they both came back with pos
itive test results, I can almost certainly say you’re pregnant. Unfortunately, we can’t carry out a test until you’re six weeks pregnant. Which would mean your period would have to be two weeks late. The HCG hormone is just too weak for our tests to detect before that stage. However, the only reason your home pregnancy tests would come back positive is if they detected that HCG hormone and that’s why I can almost certainly say their results are accurate.”
“I see. I suppose a part of me was hoping they might have been wrong.” I say gloomily. The devastating realisation starts to consume my body, tightening its hold on me and threatening to squeeze the life out of the remaining glimmer of hope I was holding onto.
She must notice the look of dismay on my face because she moves her chair closer towards mine, a compassionate expression on her face.
“I take it the confirmation of your pregnancy is not good news?” She prompts me gently.
“I think deep down I knew it was really happening but to have it actually confirmed just makes it all the more real.”
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