We’re standing so close together, my heart is racing and I’m beyond what you might call breathless. The intensity of his words leaves me speechless, how on earth do I respond to something like that? He astounds me with his absolute honesty and ability to wear his heart on his sleeve.
“It will always be you, Jake.” I murmur, sighing softly. I lean in towards him, breathing in the delicious masculine scent radiating from him. This is the last place on earth we should do this but rationality is not something I’m familiar with whenever I’m in the company of Jake.
“Don’t.” Jake warns me.
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t look at me like that. Not unless you’re willing to take this further.” His eyes are ablaze with desire for me; burning fiercely with a passion so potent, I can feel his desperation for me. He wants me more than he ever has.
“What if I want to take this further?” I tempt him, pressing my body up against his and running my finger tips down his muscular chest.
I can feel his heart hammering violently underneath his clothes; his jaw is clenched and his eyes are stormy. I’m almost reluctant to engage myself with this version of Jake. Yes, he’s passionate, beautiful and magnificently handsome but he’s also surrounded by this underlying darkness that comes from deep within. There’s a danger lurking underneath him and I’m starting to think I might have been a bit foolish to flirt with the unknown. It could very well blow up in my face at any moment and I’ve taken it too far to back down now.
Before another thought can enter my head, Jake takes the decision from me. An aggressive growl escapes his lips as they come crashing down against mine. He kisses me ferociously, stealing my breath away. I whimper against his mouth, there’s no turning back from this now. Jake’s too close to the edge, our obsession for one another is far too complex to be described. The magnetic force between us is way too addictive to ignore. We’ve never stood a chance trying to resist it; it’s greater than either one of us.
“You realise what you’re saying yes to?” He whispers seductively, a complete contrast to the frantic way his hands are starting to grab at my clothes, tearing them from me with a blatant hunger that forces my knees to weaken. How the heck do I manage to elicit such an extraordinary reaction from such a magnificent man?
“I know exactly what I’m saying yes to.” I arch my neck, making it more available for him to trail his lips along my throat. I moan loudly when his tongue glides down my neck, across my collarbone and underneath my shirt.
“You’re agreeing to this? You’re saying it’s alright for me to take you right here, right now. You’re saying yes to me fucking you down here whilst your mum’s upstairs asleep and none the wiser?” His tone is bordering on glacial. He sounds cold and detached; the only trace of emotion to be heard is the intoxicating arousal in his voice.
I realise its unorthodox. Angry sex is hardly the best way to reconcile and sort out our problems. However, I also know it will be what works for Jake. He is who he is and sometimes talking doesn’t seem to do us much good. Heated discussions don’t always solve everything and even though what we’re about to do is wrong on so many levels, this is who we are and it’s what we do to one another. I know Jake and this is his way of taking back the control felt he lost earlier when I didn’t respond to him. Asserting himself in this manner is only way he knows and after the neglectful way I’ve been treating him lately, I’m not about to stop him.
“I know what I’m saying yes to.”
I close my eyes, surrendering myself to the sensations Jake’s evoking from me. We’re still standing in the dark kitchen; the only sound besides our heavy breathing is the quiet ticking of the kitchen clock. Mum could wake up at any moment; she could hear something or decide to come downstairs for a glass of water and for us like this. The endless possibilities keep on whirling around inside my head but none of them seem to have the strength to convince me I should stop this.
Jake pulls my T-shirt from me, throwing it onto the floor without a second thought. He unclasps my bra and kneels down in front of me, tugging my jeans down my legs with so much force I have no choice but to hold onto his shoulders to keep my balance. I’m standing before him in my unfastened bra and panties, trying not to let my discomfort and unease show. His eyes travel up and down my half naked body, the hunger behind them makes me tremble with longing for him.
“You know what I love the most about this body?” He says huskily.
“What’s that?” I ask him shakily, hardly able to breathe, the anticipation of what he’s about to do is just too much to bear.
“I love that every single inch of you belongs to me. You’re mine, Bethany. Don’t you ever forget that.”
Jake’s still fully clothed and it feels unusually erotic and wanton of me to be standing here like this, so vulnerable and exposed.
“If I’m yours… why don’t you prove it?” I challenge him, taken aback by my own brazen attitude. What am I doing trying to antagonize him like this?
His reaction is explosive; my panties are torn from me in an instant, leaving my lower half completely exposed. His tongue comes into contact with my most intimate place and I moan loudly, covering my mouth with my hand as soon as I realise how loud my groan of pleasure actually was. I curl my fingers in his hair, trying to pull him closer towards me and pushing him away at the same time. I’m in an agonised state of pain and pleasure, wanting more and yet not being able to take it.
“Stop trying to push me away, Bethany. If you’re really mine you’re going to come for me right now and there’s not a thing you can do to stop it.” He threatens me, a tantalising and tormenting.
I really don’t want to agree with him but who am I trying to kid? We both know he’s right, I’m not about to put up a fight. I want this as much as he does.
His tongue delves inside me hungrily, it’s as though he’s been deprived of my taste for centuries and only now is he finally experiencing his one taste of ecstasy.
“Jake, I can’t.” I pant, squirming uncontrollably. A part of me is still at war with him, fighting against this inexplicable feeling him and myself.
“More. I need more of you.” He growls in desperation, lifting me onto the kitchen counter and spreading my legs open.
He takes a step back, admiring the audacious view before him. I’m scorching hot underneath his intense, microscopic gaze, trying to close my legs in an attempt to conceal myself. Jake’s hands grab my thighs, prising them apart so he can settle his lips in between them again, determined to keep me from being modest.
He sucks on my clitoris with so much vigour, his tongue licking me up and down, swirling around and making my toes curl. I’m lost, completely and utterly intoxicated with pleasure and sexual torment. Eventually, my inhibitions leave me and I’m left grinding myself against his tongue, seeking more of this spectacular splendour. I’m seconds away from climaxing when he stops, wrenching his mouth away from my core.
“What… what are you doing? Why did you stop?” I moan deliriously, my body is quivering with discomfort and need; my legs are shaking with the pressure that it takes from keeping them wide apart.
“I get to decide how you come and tonight you only get to come when I’m inside you.”
He’s taking such delight in this; he’s getting off on the amount of control he’s wielding over me and my body, aware that my expectancy and anticipation is almost torturous. He slowly unbuckles his belt and unzips his own jeans, sliding them down his strongly toned thighs. I gasp, raking my eyes over his incredible body, admiring every single part of him.
He’s inside me within seconds, driving into me over and over again. He’s determined to make me come this way, begging me to squeeze him tightly and take every single inch.
“God, Jake.” I say his name repeatedly, swinging on the pendulum between indulgence and restraint, wanting to make this exquisite feeling last forever.
“We might be interrupted if you don’t keep it down, baby.” He warns me
, resting his cheek against mine, the stubble on his jaw scratches my smooth skin.
I lock my legs around him and squeeze him tightly, only then does he relinquish his control and dominance over me. Now I’m the one who decides when this happens. I’m the one who has the power.
Jake and I come together; his hand covering my mouth to smother my cries of pleasure. I gently bite him, sinking my teeth into his palm and tasting the saltiness of his skin. My muscles contract around him, milking every last drop of him. It’s only when we disentangle from one another that I realise how sore and bruised my body is.
Jake hastily starts to get dressed, pulling up his jeans and fastening his belt. He can hardly look at me, averting his gaze every time I try to make eye contact.
“What’s wrong?” I ask him nervously.
“We shouldn’t have done that.” He mumbles quietly.
I stare at him incredulously. We shouldn’t have done that? He tore my clothes from my body before placing me on the kitchen counter to fuck me and now he’s saying we shouldn’t have done it.
“Why not? I thought it was what you wanted.” I say pathetically, feeling so humiliated.
Why do I do this to myself? I give myself over to him so easily, he must know all he has to do is click his fingers and I’m his. Is he growing bored of me? Perhaps it’s no longer exciting for him. I’m so easy to seduce, what if he desires more of a conquest?
“God, it is what I wanted, Bethany. That’s the whole point. I wanted you so badly; my need for you is beyond anything I’ve ever experience. It scares me and it’s too intense, I barely have any control around you and it sickens me how weak I am. What we just did could have hurt the baby and I didn’t even think about that at all, all I could think about was my need to be inside you.”
I gaze at him sadly, hating the fact that he feels guilty. Jake doesn’t seem to understand that I want him in exactly the same way. My own hunger for him terrifies me; it’s frightening to know I’ve come to depend on him so much. He’s worked his way right into my heart and I know there’s nothing I can do to remove him from it. He’s the air I breathe, my one and only lifeline and the love of my life all wrapped into one. The idea of this is mouth-wateringly addictive.
I hop down from the kitchen counter and walk over to him, turning his face towards mine.
“Look at me; do I look like I’m unsatisfied? Do I look unhappy? Do I look like I regret what just happened? The answer is no. I feel exactly the same way as you do. This is scary for me too, Jake. I’m petrified of what’s going to happen next, of how you make me feel and who I become when I’m around you. You’re the strongest addiction I’ve ever known, one that I’ll never be able to beat or find a cure for and you know what? I don’t care.”
“I was frightened today. I very nearly lost it, Bethany. I’ve never been so close to the edge and I thought I was going to go insane when I couldn’t get in touch with you. When I found out you had deliberately chosen to ignore me, I was furious. I thought you didn’t care; I pictured you going about your day without giving me a second thought. I wanted to punish you, I wanted to make you hurt and I’m scared because I realise how fucked up that makes me. I’m no good for you, I’m a complete fucking mess and it terrifies me. The way I feel about you… it’s hardly healthy. What the fuck’s going on between us, Bethany?” He tilts my chin up so he can lock those beautiful, breathtaking eyes on me.
“I have no idea, I really don’t. All I can say to you is I’m not going anywhere, can you promise me the same thing?”
“Are you kidding me? You think I’d walk away from this? You think I have the strength to leave you after everything I just said? You’re the best part of my life and nothing’s going to change that.”
We spend the next thirty minutes just holding one another, his arms wrapped tightly around me as he pulls me against his chest, neither one of us wanting to let go. Jake finally leaves some time after one in the morning and I spend another hour sitting downstairs by myself. I listen to the sound of the living room clock, the continuous noise encouraging me to sleep. Eventually, I drag my tired body upstairs to bed. Of course, all I dream about is him.
The next morning is Friday. I wake up early, shower and force some breakfast down. I’m starting to feel a little sick in the mornings and I’m already dreading the days when I’ll have to try and hide my morning sickness from mum. I’m meeting Jake later on tonight; we’ve arranged to meet at our usual place so we can talk about things properly.
Its still early morning and I’ve got hours until I have to leave and meet Jake. I’m craving some fresh air and decide to go out for a little walk by myself. I want some time alone to organise my thoughts and I feel like mum is watching my every move whilst I’m at home.
I can hardly look at her after what Jake and I did last night. I’m disgusted with myself and ashamed that I encouraged Jake to seduce me whilst my mother was fast asleep upstairs. It felt unbelievable at the time but in the harsh light of day I can appreciate how tasteless it was. Last night was a about sex, pure and simple. It was passionate, carnal, salacious and wrong. I can’t deny it was incredible, an unforgettable, mind-blowing experience but it was also really thoughtless. What if we had been caught? I can’t even bring myself to think about how badly it would have hurt my mum if she had to find out about us that way.
I try to rid myself of these thoughts as I close the front door behind me. I truthfully told mum that I was going for a walk and wanted some fresh air. I was worried she would suggest she come with me but she didn’t say anything. The weather is cold and blustery today, forcing me to fold my arms and hug my body in an attempt to keep myself warm.
I texted Jake this morning before I left the house, letting him know that I’m alright and apologising for my silence yesterday. It was foolish and inconsiderate of me to treat him that way and I certainly won’t be making the same mistake twice. For some reason I first find myself walking past gran’s house. It’s like a beacon of light for me at the moment, something that seems to bring me a great deal of comfort. A selfish part of me really can’t wait until she comes home. I know she’ll be able to provide me with her honest opinion and she’ll also be able to bring a new perspective into the equation.
I’ve thought of nothing but my pregnancy since I found out about it a week ago today and I’m still no closer to deciding what it is I want to do. I’m hoping that once gran returns home she’ll be able to help me figure things out; she’ll be able to help me make sense of the cataclysmic tornado whirling around inside my head.
It’s when I’m standing right outside gran’s house that I get the same inexplicable feeling that I’m being watched. I cautiously take look around me but can see no one. Unable to ignore my peculiar feeling of unease, I decide to leave and make my way home. I somehow find myself strolling past my father’s bookstore instead, wondering how the hell I got there. I figure out it’s because my whole life has revolved around this place, my own house and gran’s home. It’s almost like I would cease to exist without these places, everything else is in the world is strange and unknown to me. I’m afraid of what’s out there and I suppose we take comfort in what we know. Even though I don’t have a particular fondness for this bookstore, it’s still familiar to me and it’s all I know.
As I look up at the bleak and dismal building, I realise how desolate the place is looking. I know it hasn’t been open in weeks but it could be years by the state of the exterior, its really run down and neglected. My father never wanted to make changes or improve the store; any ideas I might have had about modernising the business were rebuked and never taken seriously.
When the rain starts to fall I decide to head on home. The weather has turned freezing and my hands are starting to go numb. It’s when I’m walking down the road in the direction of my house when notice a girl walking towards me in the distance. I don’t think anything of it until she gets a little closer and I start to think there’s something familiar about her. The distance between us cl
oses and I know. I’d recognise that long blonde hair anywhere.
My footsteps slow down; my feet are reluctant to take me another step. I was freezing a moment ago but now I’m hot, my body temperature has risen to such an extent that I’m now starting to sweat. My forehead is damp and my clothes stick to my skin.
It’s her, I know it is. It’s Sarah. I can now make out her startling blue eyes now that she’s almost upon me. I knew I’d never forget them from that night. They were so venomous and cruel; the memory of it is permanently seared into my memory. She’s only wearing jeans and a tight T-shirt with a small jacket over the top of it but even in her casual clothing she still manages to look glamorous. I mentally compare her sophisticated appearance to my own and once again have to remind myself that there is no comparison. No matter what Jake says, there’s only one beauty out of the two of us and it certainly isn’t me. I feel like the plain and unspectacular Jane Eyre when Rochester insists on parading the exquisitely beautiful Blanche Ingram in front of her. I recall that Jane would constantly undermine and demean herself whenever it came to Blanche, driving herself almost mad with jealousy and insecurity.
She doesn’t seem to have noticed me yet. If I keep my head down and cross over to the other side of the road I’m hoping she might not notice me at all. My naive optimism is instantly crushed when she glances up and I come face to face with her. Her expression brightens with recognition and I prepare myself for another hideous altercation with her like the one we had last time. The only difference now is there’s no Jake here to save me.
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