During the journey over there, I start to think about gran and can’t help wondering if my father really told me the truth. For some reason I just know he did. He was so smug and sure of himself when he told me about her death, which in itself is enough to convince me that he was telling the truth.
My body is weak, I’m bruised and I’m weary but there’s no other option for me than to keep on going. As I get draw closer to gran’s house, I start to feel my fear encroaching in on me again. I can’t imagine what I’ll find when I get there, is it really naive of me to imagine my father won’t be there waiting for me?
A few minutes later I make it onto gran’s road. I don’t want to go any further in case he really is here. I stop and look around me, begging my distorted memory to repair itself. I remember the direction Jake and I first set off in and decide to head that way in hopes that it will refresh the detail of my memory. I know this plan might not be the best I’ve ever had but it’s all I’ve got at the moment. It’s the thought of Jake that keeps me going, all of my instincts are screaming at me to give up, to just sit down and cry but I refuse to give into them. That’s what the old Bethany would do, what the victim would end up doing and I’m determined not to be that girl anymore.
I’ve only been walking a few minutes when I’m struck by a bizarre sense of déjà vu. I recognise that if I turn left here it will be the same route as the one Jake and I took that night. Exhilaration surges through me, this is the right way! I’m heading in the right direction! Everything’s going to be ok. I continue to reassure myself, desperately needing to believe this horrific night is almost over. I keep telling myself I’ll soon be in Jake’s arms.
The next turn is right and I carry on walking straight ahead. I almost fall to my knees with gratitude when I recognise I’m standing on the exact same road that Jake lives. I even notice the spot where Sarah first confronted me and I have to force myself to keep on going as I walk right past it. I sigh with relief when I see Jake’s house in the distance, it takes all of my strength to stop myself from racing up to it and pummelling my tiny fists against his front door.
All I want is to see his face, I just wish he lived alone and I wouldn’t have to worry about who will greet me when I finally decide to knock on his front door. I don’t even know if he’s told them about me, what if they turn me away? Where will I go then?
What will I do? God, all of this is such a mess, a complete and utter mess.
I remain still, standing in the same spot like a spineless coward. I clear my throat and square my shoulders. I can do this, I have no other choice. All I have to do is knock on the front door and ask for Jake. At least there’s no house party going on tonight, it would be impossible for me to walk in there if there were crowds of people swarming about. I place a cautious hand on my stomach, still unable to believe that there’s a tiny little life growing inside of me.
“Mummy’s just being silly. Don’t worry, we’ll go in there any second now and daddy will make everything ok again.” I murmur, astonished by the words coming out of my mouth. I’ve never spoken to the baby before, I suppose it’s the first time I’m acknowledging it at all.
I force myself to move forward, boldly knocking on the front door. There’s a light on in the living room and I can hear the sound of the TV so I definitely know someone’s in. My stomach is churning like a washing machine and I feel like I could throw up any second.
The door opens and I come face to face with a young girl. She has the same dark hair and brown eyes as Jake so I know she must be one of his sisters. She looks at with curiosity, waiting for me to say something.
“Can I help you?” She asks me politely. Her kind voice instantly puts me at ease, giving me the strength to speak up.
“I’m really sorry to just turn up like this but is Jake here?” I ask her timidly.
“You’re Bethany?” She has a look of recognition on her face as she smiles at me with so much warmth.
“Yes, I’m Bethany. I’m sorry but I need to know if Jake is here?”
“Why don’t you come on inside, you don’t need to stay on the doorstep.” She urges me, opening the door open for me.
“I really just need to speak to Jake.” I avert my gaze, feeling awkward and incredibly shy. I’m trying to ignore the overwhelming unease and trepidation that’s creeping up inside of me but it’s getting more and more difficult as the seconds go by and there’s still no sign of Jake.
“He’s not here right now, he’s at work. I can call him for you if you want to come on inside?”
The despair I feel is staggering. I completely forgot that Jake was going into work tonight. I remember the phone call he got earlier from his boss asking him if he could work, he even asked me if it would be ok. How on earth could I forget a conversation that we had just over an hour ago?
“If Jake’s not here then I really should go.” I turn away from her, trying to hide the tears that have started to fall from my eyes. My exhaustion and fear have won the battle against me. I’m no longer capable of controlling my emotions, they’ve beaten me.
“No, you can’t go. He’d kill me if he knew I’d let you leave. Come on inside and I’ll call him now, he’ll come straight home if he knows you’re here.” She urges me, offering me her hand.
She steps outside and puts her arm around my shoulders, guiding me into the house. I can tell that she’s a few years younger than me but she’s still a few inches taller. I reluctantly allow her to lead me into the living room where I notice a middle aged woman sprawled out on the sofa, she’s smoking and watching TV with the volume turned right up. She fixes me with a cold hard stare and I avert my gaze immediately, there’s no welcome from her like there was from Jake’s sister.
“Who’s this, Carla?” She demands rudely.
“Mum, this is Bethany.” She says, guiding me into the armchair across from the sofa where Jake’s mum is sitting.
“Who?”
“She’s Jake’s girlfriend.” Carla explains patiently.
I smile at her in gratitude, appreciating her kindness and understanding.
“Can you please call Jake? I need to see him.” I ask.
“Of course I will. He sometimes doesn’t answer his phone when he’s at work, he can’t usually here it in the bar but I’ll keep on trying if he doesn’t answer, ok? I’ll also get you a glass of water; I’ll be back in a moment”
I nod my head as a sign of acknowledgement; I really do need a drink. My throat’s so sore and dehydrated.
Carla’s only been gone a few moments when I feel Jake’s mum glowering at me from across the room. The temperature is really high in here but I still can’t stop myself from trembling and shaking. I clasp my hands together, reassuring myself that the hard part is over, Jake will be here soon.
His mum abruptly mutes the television and an awkward silence descends upon us.
“So you’re the infamous Bethany?” She asks me, cruel sarcasm dripping from her voice. I nervously glance over at her, not sure how I’m supposed to take handle such a harsh and brazen woman.
“That’s right.” I mumble quietly.
She sits up and stubs her cigarette out in the ashtray on the coffee table next to her. I’ve never met anyone like her, she’s so different from my own mum, I can’t help but stare at her. Of course this angers her even more.
“What are you looking at? You’ve never seen someone who smokes before? That’s a stupid question, of course you haven’t. Look at you… so prim and proper, thinking you’re better then me, better than my house and better than my son.” The venom in her voice frightens me. Why does she hate me? She doesn’t even know me and she’s already chosen to despise me.
“I would never, ever say that I was better than your son, he’s the greatest man I’ve ever known.” I make sure I speak clearly and with confidence, not wanting to give her satisfaction of being intimidated by her.
I seemed to have shocked her by my newfound assertiveness and she doesn’t say anything in rep
ly for a few seconds. Hoping that this is the end of our conversation, I gaze at the silent TV and hope Carla won’t be gone for much longer.
“I hope you realise that you and my selfish son have broken that poor girl’s heart.” She says scornfully.
“Who?” I ask her, even though I already know her answer.
“Stupid bitch, I mean Sarah. She’s a good girl and the sooner Jake realises that the better. I mean, just look at you… you’re not even in the same league as my Jake. He could have any girl he wanted and he got the best when he was with Sarah, she was the right match for him and she showed me some respect.”
Her eyes are gleaming and she has a wicked smirk on her face, a triumphant grin that I’d love to make disappear.
“I give respect to people who show the same for me. You’ve done nothing but insult me since I stepped into this house and now it’s clear to me why Jake can’t wait to get away from you and make a new life with me.” I snap.
She’s about to make her reply when she’s interrupted by Carla opening the door into the living room.
“Bethany, I’m sorry I took so long. I’ve tried phoning Jake several times and there’s still no answer, my guess is that he just can’t here it. He normally keeps his phone on him so I’m sure he’ll check it soon and notice the missed calls. I also texted him asking for him to call me back as soon as he can.” She gives my shoulder a small squeeze in an attempt to comfort me.
“What time does he normally finish work?”
“It can be pretty late.”
She kneels down in front of me and hands me the glass of water she brought for me. I take it and thank her, hoping that my teeth won’t make a noise when they clank against the glass and reveal how overwrought and skittish I really am. I just can’t stop them from chattering. Carla must see how dismayed I am because she tries to call Jake again right away.
“Is there still no answer?” I ask dismally.
“No, I’m sorry, Bethany. Please don’t worry. This isn’t unusual for him to not hear his phone whilst he’s working.”
“You shouldn’t be interrupting him whilst he’s at work. You know how it is; he’ll be distracted by all of those gorgeous girls there who can’t keep their hands off him.” His mother says maliciously.
“Shut up, Mum. Keep out of this.” Carla retorts angrily.
I’m just about to ask Carla to try Jake again when we’re disturbed by the sound of her phone ringing.
“Is it Jake?” I ask hopefully.
“It’s him. Do you want to answer it?”
She holds her phone out towards me but I shake my head, I need to speak to him face to face, I won’t be able to keep myself from breaking down over the phone. Carla answers it for me and I can hear Chris Brown’s ‘Don’t Wake Me Up’ playing really loudly in the background.
“Carla, can you hear me? I’ve just checked my phone and noticed the texts and missed calls. What’s wrong? Is everything ok?”
I want to give into my emotional turmoil and cry when I hear Jake’s voice on the other end of the phone. He’s practically shouting over the noise and can hear every word. I suppress the urge to grab it from her and beg him to come home.
“Jake, I’ve got Bethany here with me and she’s asking for you.”
“What? Did you just say Bethany’s there with you? Why? Is she ok? What’s wrong? Is it the baby? Carla, let me talk to her, put her on!” He yells frantically.
Carla and his mum both look at me in astonishment; they obviously had no idea that I was pregnant.
Carla once again offers me the phone but I shake my head.
“Just tell him to come home.” I plead with her.
“Carla? Let me talk to her!” Jake demands down the phone, he sounds petrified.
“Jake, she doesn’t want to talk over the phone so please just come home, she’s asking for you.”
I sense the steady gaze of Jake’s mum on me but I’m too ashamed to return her stare.
“Why can’t she talk to me? What’s wrong? Is she ok? Please tell me it’s not the baby.” He begs her.
She glances at me and I shake my head, confirming that the baby isn’t the problem; at least I hope it isn’t. After what my father did I can only pray he didn’t hurt it in any way.
“She says it’s not the baby, just come home.” Carla urges him.
“I’m on my way; tell her I’ll be with her in less than ten minutes.”
Only the dial tone can be heard after Jae hangs up. I place my empty glass down on the floor besides my chair and wrap my arms around myself, seeking comfort in the fact that I know he’s on his way home to me. The three of us sit in silence which suits me fine because I don’t have a clue what I can say to either one of them.
It’s probably only been about five minutes but it feels more like five years whilst I wait for Jake to get here. I hear the front door slam before he bursts through into the living room. Two seconds later he drags me from the armchair and I’m forced out of my semi-conscious state by the feel of two strong arms around me, enveloping me in their embrace. Jake tilts my chin up towards him so that I can’t help but lock eyes with him.
“Baby, what’s happened? Why are you here?”
I recognise the concern in his voice and the fear in his eyes. Being able to see Jake, to feel his body next to mine and to know that I’m safe is all too much for me. I break down in his arms and the uncontrollable sobbing starts.
“He… he was there when I got home.” I sob, burying my face in his T-shirt.
“Your father? What did he do? Did he hurt you? Bethany, you’ve got to tell me what happened. Are you hurt?”
I nod my head, not really sure which question I’m answering. Jake inhales sharply, the violence of his rage is palpable.
“Maybe we should leave you two alone.” Carla says.
“I don’t see why I should be kicked out of my own sitting room.” His mum argues.
“Go!” Jake shouts, causing me to jump.
Without another word, Carla and his mum leave us alone. I feel worse now that it’s just me and Jake because now I have to tell him everything. I don’t even know if I have the strength to tell him about what happened tonight. How am I even going to begin to explain what my father told me about gran? She can’t be dead, she just can’t be. How can my lovely, sweet grandmother not be here anymore? She can’t have left me; she’s the one person who’s always been there, she’s been my best friend for as long as I can remember.
My despair increases when I start to contemplate a life without her. I gasp for air, panicking when I don’t feel like I’m breathing in enough oxygen. I’m breathless and I start to panic as the darkness of my anxiety begins to take over. Jake cradles my face in his hands, whispering words of comfort to me but for some reason I can’t understand a single word he’s saying. It feels like he’s miles away even though he’s standing right in front of me.
“Help me.” I beg him. What the hell’s happening to me? I can barely speak.
“Shh, baby, listen to me. No, stop it, don’t fight it. You’re just panicking, ok? You need to try and calm down. It’s just your anxiety coming to the surface, it’s just an anxiety attack, it’s horrible but it’s going to pass. Shh, sweetheart, you’re still panicking. Look at me, no, don’t look away, look at me. Bethany, everything is ok, you’re here with me and you’re safe. Just breathe. Sweetheart, you have to work with me, try and calm down for me. Breathe with me, ok? Nice and slow. Take a nice breath in and then one out.”
I zone in on what Jake’s saying. My eyes focus on his and I will my mind to come back to the present, I struggle to pull myself back to reality and away from the dark recesses of my mind.
“I… can’t. I can’t breathe!” I wail hopelessly, falling to my knees.
Jake crouches down and kneels before me, refusing to leave my side even for a second.
“Baby, you can. You can do this. You’re doing so well, just keep on looking at me. Everything’s ok, you’re safe. I’m with y
ou and I’m going to take care of you. That’s my girl, you’re doing so well. It’s leaving you now; the anxiety is going away, your breathing’s nearly back to normal. It’s almost over.”
He smiles at me reassuringly and I concentrate on listening to the soothing tone of his voice. We’re both kneeling down on the floor, still facing one another and his thumb slowly glides along the length of jaw, coaxing it into submission and making it relax.
“Thank God that’s over.” I murmur.
“That was a pretty bad panic attack. I know how horrible they can be, they’re good at making you think you’re about to die and they can be pretty damn convincing.” He says, smiling at me weakly.
“You seem to know a lot about them.”
“I experienced a few of them after Sarah had the miscarriage. I didn’t know what the hell they were at first until I researched my symptoms and found out what they were. The first time I thought I was minutes away from death, it was that powerful.”
He takes my hands and helps me to stand. My breathing is back to normal and the terror I experienced a few moments ago has been replaced by a wonderful sense of calm. All of this is so bizarre. I felt like I was in a dream, it was like I didn’t really exist, as if I were in limbo. I smile weakly as I feel Jake wipe away my remaining tears. I flinch when he accidentally grazes the bruised skin where my father hit me. He frowns at me in confusion.
“I’m still pretty sore.” I mumble, gently tracing my cheekbone with my fingers.
“What did he do to you, Bethany? You need to tell me.” He says firmly.
“Just give me a minute, Jake.” I beg him.
“Bethany, you’re killing me. I need to know what happened.” He persists.
“I arrived home to find the house empty; mum was nowhere to be found. I knew something was wrong as soon as I walked through the front door but I knew I needed to make sure she definitely wasn’t in the house. I found him in my bedroom; he was just sitting there in the dark. He told me that my mum had to leave in a hurry because she’d received news that my gran had died.” My voice breaks, unable to contemplate a world where this is true.
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