by Tessa Marie
“Uh. Hey Hailey. Calling to see if you wanted to go to the party with me. You’re probably busy or something so call me back. So yeah, I’ll be waiting to hear from you.” I go to hang up then remember. “It’s Luke, if you didn’t know.” I hang up and smack my forehead. Waiting to hear from you? Yeah because that doesn’t sound desperate or anything.
Now I’m dressed and unfortunately the parties never start until at least eight. Mom’s still at work so I can’t bug her.
I have to find a way to get Hailey to come tonight. It’s the only night I’ll be able to see her. After tonight, I’ll be bagging groceries after school Monday thru Friday, and occasionally on Saturday or Sunday.
Calling again is tempting. I can’t. What am I some sort of pussy-whipped loser? Absolutely not. I’m going out. Just need to track down CJ. Hopefully he’s not still pissed off.
After looking in my pants’ pocket, kitchen table, dresser, and coffee table I finally find my keys hiding in the comforter of my bed.
My phone rings on my way to the car. I look at the number and smile. “Stan my man, what’s going on?” Most people hate their bosses, but I lucked out. Mine is pretty damn cool.
“Hey Luke. Enjoying your days off?”
“I am.”
“Good. I was wondering if you can pick up an extra shift this upcoming week?”
“Sure, no problem.”
“Thanks, Luke. I can always count on you. Enjoy the rest of your days. I’ll see you when you get back.”
The door to my 1995 black Volkswagen GTI squeaks as I pull it open. I need to spray some WD40 on the hinges. My car used to be my number one priority. I was obsessed with souping it up. Then the funds ran low and now it seems it’ll forever be a work in progress.
The engine turns over on the first try, billowing out a throaty exhaust note. I push down on the clutch and put the car in first gear before taking off toward CJ’s house. I could do the drive with my eyes shut. Before we started driving we used to ride our BMX bikes back and forth to each other’s houses. CJ was the first to get his license and after that our bikes became permanent fixtures in our garages.
Every now and then I think about taking my bike out for a ride around the block, but I never do. That bike used to take me all over town, and now it’s just rusting. It’s amazing how something that once was my lifeline can be so easily tossed away.
CJ’s house is on the opposite end of town. In six minutes exactly I pull up in front of the perfectly manicured lawn. His mom has a green thumb and spends most days in the garden. Today is no different.
“Hello Lucas.”
Mrs. Johnston is the only one who calls me that, but she calls all her kids by their full names.
“Hey, Mrs. Johnston. CJ home?”
“Yes, he’s in his room doing homework.”
Had a feeling he’d be hitting the books.
“Thanks.” She turns and winks at me, her callused hands filled with empty flower pots.
I step through the doorway lined with crown molding, and before going to CJ’s room, make a stop in the living room.
“Luke!” Mikey jumps up from the video game he’s playing. He can whoop my ass in Minecraft, Mario Kart, and whatever game his mom lets him play. And forget board games. CJ’s parents have date night once a week, which means CJ gets stuck inside babysitting. I always go over to help. Really I go over to hang with Mikey. He’s by far the coolest six-year-old I know.
“Hey, little dude. What’s going on?”
“I’m trying to beat my top score in RockBand. You wanna try?”
“We both know I can’t beat you.”
“I know, but it’s fun to watch you try.”
“Is that so?”
He stands there shaking his head until his blond hair falls in his eyes. I go over to him and rustle it up. “Maybe later. I have to talk to CJ”
“Good luck. He hasn’t come out of his room all day, not even for Mom’s brownies.”
I need to do something. CJ is so obsessed with getting good grades he’s ignoring his brother. That’s not cool. Not cool at all.
CJ has every band sticker from every concert we’ve ever been to displayed on his bedroom door. It’s like a walk down memory lane. I’ve already told him that no matter what happens, if he moves out, decides to redecorate, whatever…that door must be saved.
I knock right above the Kings of Leon sticker and wait a second before I let myself in. CJ sits at his desk in the corner, earbuds in and books sprawled out. However, he’s not reading the books. He’s using them as a pillow.
“Dude?” I walk closer, placing my hand on his shoulder and give him a shake. “CJ!”
“Huh? What?” CJ jumps up, arms flailing, knocking the books to the floor. He grabs the desk then notices me. “What the fuck, dude? You scared the shit out of me.”
“Didn’t want you leaving drool on your textbooks.”
“I must’ve fallen asleep,” CJ says as he wipes the side of his lip with his sleeve.
“You think?”
“Shut up.”
“Forget studying. Party tonight at the pier, come on. You know there’s nothing better than crashing those assholes’ party and making it our own.”
CJ rubs his eyes then picks the books up from the floor. “I guess I could use a break.”
“That’s my boy. I’ll drive.”
“Why’d you change?” he asks.
“Had gym and didn’t bring a different t-shirt so went home and showered.”
“You have it bad for this girl, huh?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Let’s just say I know you didn’t shower for me or Bobby’s sake.” He gives me his I know-what-you’re-up-to smirk, smacks my back, and walks out of the room before I have a chance to deny a thing.
“Oh, by the way,” I say, chasing after him. “Thanks for ditching me at school today.”
***
The pier is where the others—Roxy and her crew—get together to have parties. My crew crashes it randomly and turns it into our own party. Every time Roxy tries to stop us, she fails miserably. I look at it as payback for ditching us and joining the ranks of the individually challenged. They all look the same, all dress the same. No originality in any of them. The complete opposite of what Roxy used to stand for.
We arrive at the pier and by the size of the crowd, we’re just in time. The air smells of salt, and I can almost detect the lingering scent of sunblock.
“Let’s do this,” CJ says with his game face on.
As he and I make our way down below the pier, I realize we’re late. The takeover already happened. Roxy and the rest of the goodies are off in one corner, Bobby, Travis, Russ and the rest of our crew lounging in their chairs. We head in their direction and oh no… Amanda.
Of course she’s here. She’s anywhere she can drink for free. All she has to do is wear a low-cut shirt and she has dibs on whatever she wants. Right now she’s working Russ. He falls for it every time.
“Hey CJaaaay! Luuuke!” Bobby calls out, his arms flailing before stumbling to his left. Any chance of dodging Amanda is now out the window.
“Hey Bobbay!” I yell out as CJ and I join the others. Bobby has his flask in hand. He never goes to a party without it. It’s always filled with Jack, his drink of choice.
“Want some?” Bobby holds his flask out to me.
“No, I’m good.” I’m driving. I might be a drinker but I’m not a jackass. CJ takes a swig. Good. Maybe he’ll finally come back around. Drop this whole bullshit of getting it together. Or at least come to a happy medium.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Roxy and the distaste smeared across her face. Her eyebrows are narrowing which means she’s about to…
She storms over to us. “Why do you always have to crash our party? Not capable of starting your own?”
“Oh we’re capable and you know that better than anyone else, now don’t you?”
She shrinks back into herself, looking aroun
d to see who heard me. Doesn’t she realize her past is a part of her? No matter how natural her hair color is or how many of her parents’ events she attends, she can’t escape it even if she thinks she can.
I never wanted this to be a war between us, but she started it and I’ll be damned to roll over.
“Roxy, just shut up and have a drink already.” CJ holds Bobby’s flask out to her. “Heck, maybe it’ll get the stick out of your ass.”
Roxy’s eyes widen. It’s funny to watch, considering she used to have a crush on CJ back in the day. I wonder if she still secretly pines for him or if her feelings disappeared the minute her pink hair did.
“No, thank you. I’m not a dirtbag like the rest of you.”
She always has to go there. CJ drops his hand then shoots up. The vein in his neck pulsates and he runs his hand over his face to calm down. He positions himself until he’s centimeters from her.
“You know Roxy, you used to be cool. Now you’re just a bitch. And just so you know, you can act as if we’re beneath you, but deep down you know damn well we’re not.” CJ storms off.
Her lip twitches and if I’m not mistaken it almost looks as if her eyes are glossing up. Did CJ melt the Ice Queen? It’s only for a split second though. She closes her eyes and when she opens them, her evil glare is back.
“You are beneath me. You all are,” Roxy yells, but at this point, everyone that matters ignores her, talking amongst themselves and drinking their beers. I want to feel bad for her. She tries so hard to deny who she was, becoming something she used to despise. Whatever. She’s not my problem anymore.
My phone rings and I fumble to retrieve it. The glowing screen displays Hailey <3 and I can’t answer it fast enough.
“Hello,” I say, and move back for some privacy.
“Hi Luke. It’s Hailey.” Her voice is soft like she’s whispering.
“Hey, what’s up?”
“Nothing much. I, um, saw you called. I couldn’t answer my phone before. I was in the middle of something.”
I go farther down the beach. “I just wanted to see if you wanted to come down to the pier.”
“I can’t. Not tonight anyway.”
“Oh.” I try to keep the disappointment from my voice.
“I can talk though.”
The disappointment fades. Talking to Hailey is so much more appealing than getting into a confrontation with Roxy. I look down at the sand beneath me and decide it’s a good spot to plop down.
“That’s good enough for me,” I say. “So what are you up to?”
She laughs. “I’m watching Beauty and the Beast.”
“The Disney movie? Seriously?”
“I’ll have you know it’s a classic and one of my favorites.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen it.”
“What! That is crazy talk.”
I laugh. “I guess I’m going to have to watch it one day.”
“It’s a must.”
“Maybe we can watch it together.”
It goes silent on the other end. I pick up a handful of sand and watch as it pours through my fingers then Hailey finally says, “I’d like that.
A huge stupid grin spreads across my face at her words. Visions of Hailey, sitting on my couch watching the movie while I watch her, pop into my head.
Amanda stumbles down the beach, knocking me out of my fantasy. You have got to be kidding me.
“Lukey.”
I turn so my back faces her. Maybe she’ll get the hint.
“Lukey, I see you.”
Of course not.
“So how’s the party?” Hailey asks, unaware of the lingering mood killer.
“Pretty lame actually.” And then, there it is, the sickening smell of vanilla. Amanda’s scrawny arms drape around my neck.
“Hang up the phone, silly.”
“Who’s that?”
Shit. “It’s nobody.”
“Come on, baby. I’m horny. Let’s play.” Amanda loses her balance and falls on the sand beside me. “Hang up!”
“I’m sorry, this was a mistake,” Hailey says, distress evident in her tone, and I hate that I’m the reason for it.
“Hailey, no it’s not what you—” Click. Damn it! I actually had a chance. She called me back. She wanted to talk. And a past mistake, in the form of a drunken slut, came in and destroyed it.
“Lukey, wanna go back to my place? My parents aren’t home.”
I look down at her sprawled in the sand. How pathetic. I want to leave her on the beach. But I can’t. I’d feel responsible if something happened to her. Damn conscience. So with anger surging through my veins, I scoop her drunk ass up from the ground and bring her back to her friends, Lila and Stephanie.
“Maybe you should take her home,” I say, dropping her on the chair. Lila glances up at me with her brown beady eyes.
“Why don’t you take her home?”
“She’s your friend.”
“Lukey, don’t you want to take me home?” Amanda asks, her lip sticking out in a pathetic pout.
“No. I told you, we’re over.”
“Too bad for you. You’ll never get better than this.” Amanda sits up and drags her hand down her body like she’s revealing herself as a prize on a game show.
“That’s where you’re wrong,” I spit back with a smile, Hailey’s face circling around in my mind.
“Fuck you! You’ll regret this! I promise you that! Nobody fucks with me and gets away with it.” I throw my hands in the air and storm away. See what happens when you try to be nice. Sometimes it’s not worth it.
CJ leans against the pier, a fresh cigarette hanging from his lip. He taps his fingers on his thigh, clearly ready to go. I’m on the same page. “You ready to bounce?”
“Yeah, I’m over this.”
“Me too.”
Another long, sleepless night. I cradle Brady in my arms and rock back and forth. I don’t know what else to do. I feel useless and frustrated. If he could just tell me what’s wrong. God I wish he could.
I haven’t slept for more than two hours at a time. My eyes weigh nine-hundred pounds.
The crying fades and Brady rests peacefully in my arms. I place him in his crib and as soon as he leaves my arms, he starts crying again. Dammit. I moan then instantly feel guilty. “Okay, sweet boy. Okay. Mama’s got you.” I pick him up and rub his back, bouncing my weight from leg to leg.
I take a deep breath and try to focus on the positive. Like how Brady’s crankiness saved me last night when Luke called.
Now I just need to avoid Luke at all costs. The last thing I need is for him to try and explain how it was all a misunderstanding and the girl from last night wasn’t who I thought she was.
“Shh,” I coo as I rock my baby back and forth. Brady’s cries slow until they sputter to a stop. I wait a few minutes before attempting to place him in his crib. I slowly move my arms away and tiptoe backward until I make it to the doorway.
I go to my room and crawl into bed grateful for the two hours I have left before I have to be up for school.
Just as I close my eyes and feel myself drifting off, a blood curdling cry comes over the baby monitor. Someone hates me. There’s no other explanation. I’m being punished. Tears fall down my cheek, and I sob into my hands.
Brady’s cries match mine and I know I need to go to him, but I need a minute. My tears turn into violent waterfalls as I curse the universe. Try to bargain with a higher power to get Brady to sleep through the night.
No one answers me. So I take a deep breath and swipe at my eyes.
Sleep is overrated anyway.
***
I pull on my dark wash jeans and button them, looking down at the stretch marks on my stomach. Mom says they’re not even noticeable anymore, but I can still see them staring back at me, reminding me that I’m far from ordinary.
My navy blue tank top covers them now and only I know they’re there, which is exactly how it should be. Just like Mom wants. For no one to know my
secret.
“A is for Apple.” Brady plays with his electronic book, another gift from Grandma. Each time he turns the page, words come out from the speaker on the bottom.
He throws his hands up and down, cute bursts of laughter escape from the huge smile settling on his face. No matter how miserable I may be, no matter how tired I am, when I hear that high-pitch laugh, my day is transformed.
I swoop Brady into my arms and kiss his chubby little cheeks. “I love you,” I say in the baby voice I find myself using more times than not. Sometimes talking to Mom, I start off with the baby voice until I realize I’m not talking to Brady. Thank God it’s only happened with her and no one else.
With no time to blow out my hair, I dry the front section and twirl the rest around my fingers a few times then spritz it with hairspray in hopes it’ll stay.
“Sweetie, I’m home,” Mom calls from the front door.
“I’m in here.”
She comes in, black bags under her eyes, but nothing a couple hours of sleep can’t fix.
“Look at that handsome boy,” Mom says, moving towards Brady and as soon as he hears her voice, he giggles and bounces in his crib. Mom picks him up and kisses his cheeks. “Why don’t you finish getting ready in the bathroom? I got him.”
“You sure? You don’t want a minute to unwind?”
She shifts Brady to her hip and holds his book in her other hand. “I took a nap on my break. Plus if I stop now I don’t think I’ll be able to get going again.”
I hesitate.
“Go before I change my mind.”
“You’re the best.”
“I know,” she jokes.
Mom’s a trooper that’s for sure. While I can barely function with the amount of sleep I have been getting, she always manages.