by Tessa Marie
Chills rush though me as he cups my face in his hand, pulling me closer to him. His warm, hard chest presses against mine and gradually I lose control, allowing him to dominate the movement of our lips.
I run my hand up his chest, over his shoulder, along his neck, until my fingers are lost in the softness of his hair. His tongue swipes across my bottom lip and I part to let him deepen the kiss.
As our tongues brush against each other, every nerve ending in my body sparks to life. I’ve been kissed before, but I have never been kissed like this. He sucks my breath right out of me, leaving me lightheaded and spent, invigorated, and hopeful. And just when I think I can’t handle any more he pulls away, resting his hand on my neck.
He kisses my forehead, stirring the butterflies up again. I catch my breath and any of my earlier fears vanish into the setting sun, leaving only the desire to kiss him again.
The front door opens and I jump back. “Hailey, I need you!”
“I gotta go,” I say, jumping up from the bench when really all I want to do is jump on Luke. But it might be Brady. Brady comes first.
He dabs his bottom lip with his tongue, and I wonder if he’s replaying that kiss in his head like I am. “I’ll see you in school then.” The smirk I love settles on his face.
“See you in school.” I walk away from Luke, my hand on my swollen lips, knowing tonight I’ll relive that perfect moment in my dreams.
In the house I can’t wait to tell Mom. I may be able to get everything I want after all. However, when I find her in the kitchen the look on her face says otherwise.
“Hailey, what are you doing?” she says, planting her hands on the counter.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean with this boy?”
Confused and unsure where this conversation is going, I tell her the truth. “I like him and he likes me.”
She bangs her fist on the counter and I jump. “No, he likes the Hailey you’re pretending to be.”
My eyes widen at her words. Anger shadows my happiness, overtaking my every thought. “You’re the one who told me to lie!” I scream. “And that’s what I’m doing.” I throw my hands in the air unable to control my frustration. “Do you not remember what you said to me not even an hour ago? You said you promised yourself you wouldn’t let me miss out on all life experiences. And this is a life experience.”
She snorts and I want to kick and scream, rewind time and go back to being with Luke. Relish in the happiness a little longer.
“And what happens when he finds out the truth? That you’ve been lying to him? Then what?”
Tears threaten to fall but I force them back. “I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it.”
“You don’t need to think about it because you know what will happen. He’ll run just like the rest of them.”
My eyes sting and my vision blurs. I can’t believe what she’s saying. She’s the one who always says I can have anything I want. I can do anything I want. I’m a good person and someone would be lucky to have me. Obviously she doesn’t think so.
“Now don’t look at me like that. You know I’m right,” she says.
She is. I hate that she is. I just kept thinking that maybe Luke would be different. Maybe he’d be the one to prove me wrong. Foolish. He’s an eighteen-year old guy. He’s a guy. They’re all the same.
A blood curdling cry, loud enough to wake the dead, comes from Brady’s bedroom, matching my own misery.
“Just great.” I turn in a huff and storm off, wiping feverishly at my eyes. Black makeup smears across my knuckles, but I don’t care.
The cloud I was floating on dissolves and I smash into the ground. If only I was normal. This would be a highlight of my year. Something I’d write about in my diary. But instead, I’m crying my eyes out because no matter how much I wish and how much I pray, the truth will never change. I’ll never be normal.
Brady stands in his crib, red splotches on his cheeks and tears in his eyes. As soon as he sees me he throws his hands up. Guilt smacks me in the stomach like a hot searing poker.
Normal doesn’t matter. Because no matter how mad I am, seeing Brady want me, need me, makes me smile. Makes all the crap disappear.
I go to him and he reaches up. “Mama.” It’s the tiniest, most precious of voices.
Tears of joy replace the anger and sadness, and stream down my cheeks. He said it. He really just said it. Oh my God my baby just said Mama!
“Yes Brady, Mama.” I swoop him up in my arms, the two syllables replaying over and over in my head. “MOM!” I scream out. The entire argument we just had has completely escaped me. I turn, wanting her to share in my excitement. I should have known when I called out to her that she would already be there.
She stands in the doorway, her hands over her mouth, tears swelling in her eyes.
“You heard him?”
She nods her head yes, then throws her arms open and takes Brady and me into her embrace.
When I was in the hospital after having Brady, Mom told me that as a mother there will be moments you have to treasure, because it will only happen once. This is one of those moments.
Mom kisses my forehead right above where Luke kissed me earlier. She pushes my hair back from my face. That’s her way of apologizing. No words are needed. They never are with us. When push comes to shove she’s right.
Mom is always right.
I can’t sleep. The kiss with Hailey is all that’s on my mind. I keep telling myself if I go to sleep I can get up, go to school and see her, but that’s the problem. The anticipation is killing me. I just want to feel her lips on mine again. Hear her adorable laugh and look into those gorgeous hazel eyes.
So when my alarm goes off, I don’t hit the snooze button ten times. No, this time I jump out of bed and head straight to the shower. I grab the closest shirt to me in my closet which happens to be a black button up. The jeans I wore the other day are thrown over my desk chair so I pull them on before putting on my Docs.
I don’t skimp on the cologne. I don’t bathe in it like I didn’t shower and am trying to cover up my stench either.
Not typically on time, I find myself pacing back and forth waiting for CJ to pull up. It’s eight on the dot. He should be here by now. Tell me today of all days will be the day when he gives up on bettering himself.
Eating keeps my mind occupied so I scarf down a bowl of cereal. As I put the bowl in the sink I hear the horn of the Caddy. About time. I grab my books and head out the door.
“Dude, what took you so long?” I say as I slam the door shut.
“You’re on time once and you’re going to give me shit for it. Kiss my ass.”
“I’m good, thanks.”
“Why are you in such a chipper mood? Wait a second, you banged her didn’t you?”
“Classy CJ.”
“Always am.”
“No, I didn’t bang her. But I did kiss her.”
“Must be serious if you’d rather spend your time kissing Hailey when you could be banging Amanda.”
“It’s different with her.”
“Last year it would’ve been a totally different story.”
“I was also barely sober last year.”
“Ha! You’re right. Last year was pretty awesome.”
“Don’t you miss goofing off?” I ask.
“Of course I do, but you have to grow up sometime, Luke. I want to set a good example for Mikey. I want more for him. He’s a smart fucking kid, you know.”
I nod my agreement. I’ve said it myself. He’s a smart kid. But does CJ have that big of an effect on him? And if so, do I have an effect on him? He sees me goofing off all the time. Am I setting a bad example? I never thought about it. Never crossed my mind until now. Can one person make that big of an impact on someone?
“I’m doing it more for him than I am for myself. I don’t want him to think he has a loser for a brother.”
“I can respect that. But since it’s more for him and not for you, want to
get a twelve pack tonight and chill?” He glances over at me and he doesn’t need to say anything, I can read it in his eyes. “My mom’s working late. I’ll get the beer. Meet me at my house after work.”
“I’ll be there.”
My best friend is back. About time. I was starting to wonder if he would forever have his nose glued to the inside of a book. It doesn’t suit him. CJ’s always been more street smart than book smart anyway.
In the hallway CJ and I go our separate ways. Usually I walk into homeroom right as the bell is about to ring but today I’m early. Really early. My plan is to find Hailey before class. The kiss is still on my mind and I want another one to refresh.
I find her by her locker. She takes out her books one by one, placing them in her bag. Her jeans hug her ass in all the right places and her tight plaid shirt shows off her thin but curvy figure. I sneak up on her and wrap my arms around her waist, resting my chin on her shoulder. I’m about to kiss her cheek when she pulls away from me. Not exactly the reaction I hoped for.
“Hey Luke,” she says, darting her eyes down to the ground. I don’t know what comes over me, but I can’t play these games anymore. She either wants to be with me or she doesn’t.
“What’s your problem?” I blurt out, a little louder than I wanted to.
“Nothing, I…” she whispers, trying to divert the attention I drew on us.
“You’re so hot and cold. There’s no in-between with you. Look.” I move closer to her, bridging the gap she created when she jumped away from me. “I like you, but if you don’t like me then… I don’t want to be dragged along.”
“I’m not dragging you along.”
“Well it sure as hell feels like you are.”
I don’t stick around to hear what she has to say next. I leave her at her locker, not even giving her a second glance. I’m done. I’ve done everything. I’ve opened up to her in ways I’ve never opened up to anybody before, not even Roxy when we were close, not even CJ. I let her in yet she keeps me so closed off from her world. I’m done trying. If she wants me as badly as I want her she’ll come to me. Eventually. Hopefully.
“I’m a bitch.”
“You are not a bitch,” Becky says. After whatever that was with Luke I couldn’t go to homeroom. So instead, I’m hiding in a bathroom stall. Becky cut homeroom when I called. That’s a friend. They’re there for you even when they shouldn’t be.
“Yes, I am. I’m dragging him along just like he said. I know this can’t go anywhere.”
“And why can’t it?”
“You know why.”
“Hals, Brady will always be a part of your life. Does that mean you can never be with a guy? No, it just means you have to find the right one. And how will you find him unless you start letting people in?”
Whenever I’m unsure about anything Becky is there for me. She has proven herself time and time again. I can lean on her for everything and she always knows just the right thing to say.
“You’re right. I have to find Luke.”
“You’re going to tell him about Brady?”
“Well no, but I’m going to give him the chance he deserves.”
“You better call me and let me know every detail. I’m vicariously living through you since my life is so boring and drama free.”
“There’s nothing wrong with drama free.”
“Easy to say when you’re surrounded with it. Okay, call me.”
“I will.” I hang up determined more than ever to make things right with Luke. I’ve been guarded for so long that I’m ruining any chances of being happy. Sometimes you have to make exceptions. Luke may just be my only exception.
The homeroom bell rang so I’m not going to find him there, so I move to my next class, his right across the hall. If I get there with time to spare we can talk. However, as I approach he’s nowhere to be found. So I lean against the wall and wait for him.
Face after face passes me by. Not one of those faces being Luke. Where is he? The hallway thins out and then the bell rings. No Luke, and I’m late.
After class I wait for him again, but still no Luke. In lunch I go on the snack line assuming he’ll pop up like he always does but when he doesn’t I’m consumed with that familiar feeling of being let down. It’s just this time I only have myself to blame.
I sit down at my table next to Roxy. She ties a band around the bottom of her side braid before she takes a sip of her water. “So my mom is making me do this charity event. Basically I have to sell tickets for a raffle, but I need help.”
“I have plans that night,” Dana says.
“I didn’t even tell you what day it is,” Roxy spits back.
“I’m sure I have plans.”
“Thanks, Dana, can always count on you. Hailey you in?”
“It’s at night?”
“Probably. It’s on a Saturday though. You don’t have to babysit on the weekends, right?”
“Right. I’ll be there.”
“Thank you, Hailey. At least I have one friend I can count on. It’s two Saturdays from today. I’ll give you the rest of the details as it comes closer.”
Roxy is still talking, something about the outfit I have to wear, but I’m staring at Luke’s empty seat across the cafeteria. He must’ve cut school.
Gym is not the same without Luke. School is not the same without Luke. I’m so used to him popping up and making me laugh. Seeing his blue eyes and that annoying smirk he always gets on his face when he knows he’s getting to me.
When the last bell rings I run out to my car. I know I’ll find him at Gimbel’s. Our shift starts in half an hour so if I leave right now I may be able to talk to him before I’m stuck at the register and he’s running bags.
The anticipation of seeing Luke makes me smile uncontrollably. Our kiss last night was amazing and I can’t wait to feel his lips on mine again. The kiss was so much better than any kiss I’ve ever had before. It was gentle, yet forceful when necessary, and when he pulled away he left me wanting so much more.
I can’t help but obsessively look at the clock on my cell. Luke is never late to work, if anything he’s always early. Though, today is the day he drives in with CJ.
I’ve been waiting in my car, but decide to move to the bench in front of the store. That way there’s no possible way Luke can miss me when he walks in, and I can’t miss him. After another seven minutes of waiting CJ’s Cadillac pulls into the lot. For some reason I sit up straight, as if adjusting my posture will make me look cuter or something.
Luke gets out of the car and now the excitement has zapped out of me, replaced with a full on nervous breakdown. My hands shake, my heart batters my chest, and everything around me seems to spin. Taking a deep breath, I settle my nerves. You can do this Hailey. It’s Luke. Just tell him how you feel.
I stand up from the bench as CJ approaches, Luke trailing right behind him. Nervously I tuck a piece of hair behind my ear.
“Hey, CJ.”
“Hey, Hailey,” he says, and continues walking as Luke catches up to him. His head is tucked down and his collar partially covers his face.
He looks sad and hurt and all the words I want to say get lost and before I can get a single one out he passes. “Luke.” I say, but it comes out as barely a whisper as the door to Gimbel’s opens and shuts, leaving me on the outside looking in as Luke disappears.
He didn’t even bat an eye at me when he passed. I can’t believe how one guy can make me so happy one minute, and then the next make me feel completely confused and miserable.
I ignore the pain tugging at my heart, clock in and take my position at my register.
When my first customer comes I assume Luke will be at the end, ready to bag, so I’m surprised when the hand grabbing the groceries does not belong to Luke but to CJ. My head whips around to Cecilia’s lane where I see Luke bagging. You’ve got to be kidding me.
He abandoned me.
Usually work blows by so quickly I’m sad to leave. Today, though, is an excruci
ating hell. He hasn’t spoken a single word to me. Shared one glance. Flashed his signature cocky smirk that I love so much. Every now and again I glance over at him but he never looks back.
“Lover’s quarrel?” Cecilia calls over to me when Luke and CJ are out running bags. I don’t know how to respond so instead I shrug. Neither of us have anyone on our lanes so I leave the confines of my register and go over to her.
“Oh sugar, he’ll come around, they always do. Just one word of advice. Stop playing so hard to get. You want to make him work for it, but you don’t want to wear him out in the process. And if you’re scared, you need to know he’s one of the good ones.”
I’m about to spill my guts to Cecilia when I see his blue eyes glaring at me. Normally, I would make a joke or give him a push on his shoulder. This time, however, is different. The look in his eyes is enough to make me turn around without a word and head back to my register.
Would it kill him to just glance over at me, flash me a crooked smile? I’m not even asking for a full on Kool-Aid smile, just a slight upward lift of one side of his lip.
There’s fifteen minutes left of our shift. Stan is hidden away in his office, Cecilia has left for the night, and CJ is out running bags. So it’s just Luke and I in the front of the store.
He’s sitting on the edge of Cecilia’s conveyer belt where all the food piles up. His whole I’m-ignoring-you act is driving me insane, so I take matters into my own hands. All the lanes have a candy display so I scoop up a pack of peanut M&M’s.
Aligning myself for a hit, I fling the bag of candy at Luke’s head.
“What the…!”
Direct hit. As he turns I put on my best innocent look.
“Did you just throw M&M’s at me?”