And Yet

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And Yet Page 6

by John Steffler


  my nose red because I’m always crying and often

  drink from a pocket flask. And I have a cold or am

  allergic to something. The crown of my stovepipe

  hat, wreathed in black crepe, is broken, but I let it

  flap. It is my childhood beating its breast, and if

  people laugh, that’s the whip on my back I count on.

  Hasn’t a bigshot’s violent hatred always been

  the law? Even up close everyone’s far away. On

  the balcony I’m sarcastic as an old-fashioned crow

  although the building teeters. I’ve cut words from

  books and posters and taped them all over my patchy

  suit. You can start reading my sleeve or collar or

  crotch, it makes no difference. I tromp around

  bowed down like Sherlock Holmes with a huge

  magnifying glass, absorbed in my tracks.

  TRICERATOPS

  In the late autumn, in the afternoon as the woods start

  to darken, the triceratops comes down the rocky slope

  northwest of the house and crosses the field. I watch

  from the kitchen window. The setting sun or pale dying

  light is always at its back as it ambles east, hoisting

  its weight with a little skip and light rhythmic step,

  the way elephants do. There’s somewhere it wants to

  spend the night. Or it walks and naps—one way or other

  it follows a circle that will bring it back to the crest

  of the ridge tomorrow at exactly the same time. I could

  follow its tracks to find where it goes, but I only think

  of this now. At the time, I always gaze at it without

  attempting a thought, as you might gaze at a lake or

  trunk of toys. Its hide is stiff-plated and coarsely

  pebbled in glossy greens and rust-browns. When it

  swings its beaked three-horned head toward me it seems

  to be reaching in through the window the way you

  grope through the coats in a closet looking for keys. Its

  eyes shine phosphorescent green like the galley portholes

  I once passed at night on the deck of the Newfoundland

  ferry out in the Gulf of St. Lawrence in fog. The cooks

  were inside in the small room’s steamy light, bursting

  out of their white unbuttoned jackets, smoking, mouthing

  words, gesturing bare-armed, drinking bottles of beer.

  HOW POETRY MAKES A THING A THING

  The call is some poor prisoner reciting

  hello she’s with something

  something research outfit doing a survey

  on shopping habits. I set the phone

  down on the sofa, continue on

  to the kitchen to cut another piece

  of Manchego cheese, oily and slightly crystalline

  in its structure, hang up the phone on the way

  back to my reading chair and munch

  the cheese slowly with sips of red wine. Nothing

  is blocking the path, but I know

  what it is

  and hit it with my stick, making the two wrestlers

  break their hold on each other, and they

  stand there, no

  on one side, thing on the other,

  as plain and naked as can be, and I walk

  on between them, surprisingly

  happy in spite of the mid-April cold

  and being alone.

  MUSÉE DES BEAUX-ARTS

  A box of family keepsakes you can walk through.

  “Tour the Western Tradition,” the brochure says. “Start

  in the Late Middle Ages on the fourth floor and descend

  through the centuries.” Contemporary galleries

  are in the basement.

  The elevator shuts out the foyer’s

  noise and ascends into the roots of the upended tree.

  Why do I expect vestiges to be gruesome? The toys

  and brittle books our parents treasured as children

  always seem grim. Poor. The chipped tin horse,

  the paralyzed doll serving the same dark imperative

  as those carved African heads studded with nails.

  Alone,

  I follow the hall into a dim room with rows of clear spot-lit

  cases, portholes into the deep brain, each housing

  a painting on gold worm-holed wood. Altarpiece

  parts. The altars, the damp murmuring churches and smoky

  lanes all cleared away.

  Each painting worries over the same

  scene: hunched brutes nailing an intelligent young man to a thick

  wooden T. Mallet blows. Blood. Spiked hands and feet.

  The pain-wrecked man’s upward gaze.

  It’s hard to be human.

  The mind a curse, since we’re made to rot. Slaves to our guts

  and crotches. Killing and mauling. Why attach ergo sum to this

  crap? Spike the brainy bastard down! We’re all spiked down.

  Kill him and get back to being happy as larks, happy as pigs

  in shit, happy as morons with mallets.

  But the next room’s gilt

  panels show a young woman holding a child on her knee. Through

  the glass her serene joy glows.

  Her child’s joy glows.

  OLD WORLD

  for Stan Dragland

  Along the trails in the camps every day some were born.

  Their mothers nursed them in plundered farmsteads watching

  the buildings burn before moving on, the owners

  twisting in nooses from trees. In log-walled shelters

  their mothers wrapped them in kisses and charms, rocked them

  all through the fire-lit telling of raids. And as they learned

  to braid fingerbones in their hair and make axes gleam,

  younger brothers and sisters were already following them,

  sharing their awe at the bearded heads their uncles

  nailed to ridgepoles and wagon rails. For each

  lost to the calling of blades and mauls, for each one

  lying watching flies pulling their legs

  free from his blackening blood there were five

  of his kind striding to take his place, riding out, sailing

  out to harvest what others treasured—blood, gold, horses,

  slaves, houses, fields—no wonder a few

  dreamed of a quiet garden filling all their needs

  and wore on their necks carved ivory tablets showing

  a hand reaching down, pulling a naked human

  headfirst up through its split scalp,

  letting its old skin clothing fall.

  CELL (THE LAST CLIMB)

  for Louise Bourgeois

  It must be true, the flustered mind-the still famished,

  homesick mind—is finally drawn to a cage—or—all along

  the cell we’ve lived in was open—its bars are branches

  and its trellised gate leads to the foot of a spiral stair—old

  clanging treads familiar from precarious nightmares or

  a workplace—where sometimes one floor down you glimpsed

  your younger self lost in its wishes and maps—but now

  the steps rise to an open roof among clear blue spheres—like

  you’d hang above a crib—a riddle to explain space—Atlas

  has escaped there, leaving—sunk on the floor the pair of massive

  cracked wood balls she lugged all her lifetime—you’ve

>   escaped and left your nerves’ sensations trailing—spooled

  from the Old World tapestry you tried to mend—red

  from its butchered parts—in the stairway’s space your threads

  are gathered to a high-peaked tent as though by flying

  birds—maybe—maybe we can’t know what we say and

  make, and why, until we’ve gone where nothing is yet visible.

  TREES AT SAINT-RéMY

  the air is burning and turning to earth

  or the earth’s mind is pouring out

  green bolts dart between earth and sky, sky and earth so fast they

  print themselves on the eye and seem to be standing still

  remnants of blind ancient urgency flying past

  even the smallest plum tree grabs the sky and waves it like a flag

  it doesn’t matter what’s gorging on what, just seeing the turmoil is

  a shot of god, but it’s hard not to regret the knowledge-scald, your

  self bleached away, worn poor, mute

  lonely

  when you mention the noise, people step back inside, their faces

  slam shut

  * * *

  the noise a burning city makes—if you were to paint that

  Herakleitos wrote: “Everything becomes fire, and from fire

  everything is born” the young almond in late February

  shoots green wires into your eyes, breeching the nerves’ filter

  caps, ramming lit gas down the spine, snarling your

  boiling your

  giving your thighbone marrow that orgasm ache

  shearing your puppet strings—throat going unh! unh!—banging

  up through the neck, exploding the brain

  * * *

  human nature likes to hide in the hope of longevity, how many

  crows in a wheat field can we take?

  * * *

  a permanent bruise on the back of the eye

  a thin curtain easily blown away

  THE SEA STILL LOOKS WELCOMING

  a small glowing corpse cocooned in pale

  turquoise wrappings

  I carried it up to the rocky pasture,

  it weighed no more than a willow basket

  April wind blew through the stones

  of the hut where I laid it

  scatters of light and rain will feed it,

  birdsong and blown snow

  letting my hands swing, hungry, I walk

  down toward the village, red in the evening

  EXCHANGE

  The ancient Celtic warriors (or

  admirers of warriors) spoke their pledges before witnesses

  on the brink of a bog, making their vows famous and irrevocable by

  throwing a lightning-alloy sword worth more than a man’s life

  into the black muck,

  or

  they were delivering treasures to their dead ancestors, thereby

  obligating the dead to lobby on their behalf with the gods

  with whom their dead mingled in back of the changing

  clouds and hills,

  and so

  they threw their gorgeous bronze blades—images of their souls—

  into the bottomless fens,

  the black liquid night into which their ancestors and all the past

  had vanished,

  and we,

  trowelling peat, reach out and catch their votive treasures

  like tossed bouquets,

  and leaning over museum cases, see their swords within our

  reflected faces.

  PAN AT TWILIGHT

  An excuse to poke through Rideau Antiques—could we find

  a cayenne shaker like your small china parakeet?

  In an aisle of glints and tarnish I knelt peering into a low

  cabinet’s darkness where a brown-orange rabbit sat, downcast,

  trim, among blowsy cartoon figurines. I snaked my fingers

  in and lifted him.

  Seven holes in his lowered brow, under his paws a tiny

  cork. Probably ’40s Japanese.

  For thousands of years he’s been travelling through Thessaly,

  Capodimonte, Meissen, Sumida, exiled from the ancient world-

  pensive, one long ear fallen back on his shoulder, one askew-

  oblivious to who was moulding and painting him.

  Our table where he now sits filled with cayenne is no more

  memorable to him than the auctions and junkshops.

  Once in shadowless midday he kicked the whole planet away,

  blurred mountains faster than any wolf, laughed, gallant,

  savoured every petal and frond without needing to hunt, and

  pushed hip-deep into honey’s honey over and over-it was all

  waves of gold smoulder up to the roots of his teeth and then it was

  getting dark

  and the woods were strangely silent and reserved, the shadows

  were deepening, the earth heavy inside his bones, the earth

  was made of bones, and the rabbit who would be bounding

  in tomorrow’s noon, strangely,

  would not be him.

  GIACOMETTI

  the

  moon

  watches

  Mary

  buying

  mittens

  for

  Joe

  who’s

  gone

  to

  Oaxaca

  with

  Jane

  A MOVEMENT CATCHES THE EYE

  Hello, white goose beauty pain.

  Bundle fire, yes, I have it.

  Tree hair, yes, I have it.

  The dead child fingers fast feather music under the rocks

  over there.

  Fast mice finger sunrise face, she eats and grows tall.

  Stitching a long long bluebird and canary cape.

  Sit down here, I will open the bundle.

  OPENINGS

  I’ve brought my tray of tea to the screenhouse-

  damp June morning, almost too dark to read.

  Down the small slope there’s the garden’s unfinished

  cedar fence I was working on yesterday. Gateway

  posts at odd heights. The dampness darkens another

  degree down, then down again, air blurred with wet

  wood settling its weight, slackening like a slowly

  opening palm showing a small pearl, a faint ping

  like a fallen tree seed on the tin roof, a stretching

  silence and another soft ping the same here-not-here

  fulcrummed presence as the black and yellow

  gartersnake I found resting on the handsaw’s flat blade

  last evening when I was gathering the tools. Maybe

  enjoying the sun-heated metal. Its straight-mouthed

  utterly unfake face. White plated lips and obsidian

  bead eyes. So real it could not be distinguished

  from other things. I slid the saw out slowly

  from under the snake, leaving it taut and curled

  on the straw bale. Cold living flame. It only

  looked at me, flickering its tongue. I too was invisible.

  ELEGY

  Cutting bread near the north window, a dark jot in the white

  outdoors catches my eye-a dashed inkbrush line-a

  fisher bounding the snow field into the far trees. It pulls

  the land into itself with long grabs. Its leaps, its live tail

  stretch to a black ribbon that stays in the air. I buckle on

  snowshoes an
d follow its wide-spaced prints, intaglios

  of its five toe pads and thick claws. Then drips of frozen

  blood. Then stiff strands of muscle, clean as grocery-store

  meat. At an elm’s foot churned snow splashed

  with piss. Crisscrossed tracks, more blood and piss.

  When I lived near a bar, sometimes the glass smashing

  and sirens would go on past dawn. From here our roof’s

  white ridge and smoking chimney show above the rise.

  NO NAME, NO DATE

  Nightfall—the clouds pull away

  exposing the farm to stars and deep space.

  On the dark path to the door, in slow boots, each

  step we take makes the snow squeal.

  Above, in the wooded hill—looming spiked silhouette—

  something cracks like a gunshot.

  Under the duvet, under the sloped roof, we sleep without

  names, without age.

  At dawn the frost-bent roofbeams clank and wake us.

  With a pail of grain, I step onto the brittle porch in

  time to see the wild turkeys gliding heavily down

  from their roosts in the cottonwoods at the field’s edge.

  Neither wary nor oblique now, they come necks outstretched

  half flying over their snow trails to the place

  where I scatter feed.

  In close unison, milling, they stabstabstab the fresh grain

  then slacken, hunched, shifting from foot to foot, and one

  by one hoist themselves with stiff huge wing-sweeps up

  into the branches of the oak

  where they slump, heads somewhere buried in their rumpled

  heaps, sometimes drooping half-splayed fans that flash

  surprising feather-glint, metallic-teal

  in the level sun. Their rough brown shoulders tilt to

  iridescent bronze, oiled turquoise-salmon, amber,

  raspberry-gold scales. They twitch

  and warm their listless dignities—old family money,

  antic and darkened after millions of years.

  We watch through the frost-edged window at no point

 

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