“Well, she didn’t try to physically harm me if that’s what you’re asking. But she’s certainly not happy about me being here.”
“Give her time.” He plops down on the opposite side of the couch from me. “She’ll come around.”
“I don’t know if she will.”
“She will if I tell her...”
“No. You’re the person she counts on the most. I can’t imagine what it would do to her to find out you’ve been lying to her. I can take her hating me. You won’t be able to take her hating you.”
He runs a hand through his dark hair and looks up at the ceiling. “I’m sorry, dude.” He lets out a heavy sigh. “This is all my fault. All of it. If I had handled things differently. If I hadn’t agreed to...”
“Stop,” I cut him off. “We’ve been through this a hundred times. I made my choice. You have nothing to apologize for. What’s done is done. I just want to put the last five years behind me and move the fuck on. Think we can do that?”
He nods, his face strewn with uncertainty and guilt. It’s the same way he’d looked at me every time he came to visit me in prison.
“Speaking of moving on,” he continues after a long pause. “I talked to Jim today. Turns out Ralph is done at the end of next week. He’s going to need someone to take his place. It’s nothing fancy. Oil changes, tire rotations, basic shit. But it’ll give you a place to start. The pay isn’t all that great either but it’s better than nothing.”
“Wait,” I straighten my posture, “are you saying he’s willing to give me a job?”
“You start training Monday. If you want it.” He nods, his gaze swinging to mine.
“Fuck yeah I want it.”
“Well then it’s yours.”
“What about my felony? He’s cool having an ex-con working for him?”
“Fuck, dude, half the guys there are ex-cons. You should feel right at home. Even Jim served time in the nineties for robbing his girlfriend’s old man.” He chuckles. “I thought you knew that.”
“I vaguely remember hearing something about that,” I admit. “I can’t thank you enough for this, though. Seriously, Finn. Thank you.”
He holds a hand up to stop me from saying more.
“I owe you more than I could ever possibly repay you. I don’t know what I would have done...”
“Let’s not rehash the past. You and Ainsley are my family. I did what I had to do to protect my family.”
“Ains will come around,” he says again. “Just give her some time.”
As if right on cue, the front door swings open and Ainsley walks inside, her cell phone pressed to her ear with one hand as she balances two takeout containers in the other.
I still can’t wrap my head around how much she’s changed these last five years.
Ainsley Kenter has always been beautiful. With long dark hair and bright green eyes, she’s the kind of girl that always had everyone, guy and girl alike, eating out of the palm of her hand. But gone is the cute girl I once considered my little sister. Replaced by a young woman so fucking beautiful I can barely tear my eyes off her as she walks into the room.
When I saw her last night for the first time in half a decade, I was pretty certain that I forgot how to fucking speak. And it has nothing to do with the fact that I’ve been incarcerated for the past five years and two months, but everything to do with the fact that she’s just that stunning.
Seeing her all grown up is bittersweet. It’s incredible to see the amazing young woman she’s become but it hurts to know that I wasn’t here to see it all happen.
I was here the day they brought her home from the hospital. I was here for every milestone, every birthday, every special occasion, and even the not so special ones. I was here through it all, until I wasn’t.
Knowing I missed so much, seeing the disdain on her face when she looks at me now, it’s like taking a knife to the fucking gut. The girl who once looked at me like I was her world, now looks at me like she sees right through me.
“Hey, Ains,” Finn calls over his shoulder as she uses her foot to kick the door shut.
“Hey.” She doesn’t look in my direction. “I brought you some stuff from the restaurant. You can have whatever you want. I already ate.” She leans over the back of the couch, setting the two containers on the cushion next to him.
“Thanks. You got any plans tonight?” he asks, his gaze following her as she steps to the end of the couch, pausing directly behind me.
I don’t look over my shoulder, no matter how badly I want to.
“I have some schoolwork to finish up so don’t be surprised if you don’t see me for the rest of the weekend. I plan on locking myself in my room until all of it is done.”
“Well, make sure you at least come out to eat, yeah?” He smiles at her.
“I make no promises.” I hear the laughter in her voice, followed by footsteps as she continues on to her room.
“That girl.” Finn shakes his head. “You hungry?” He gestures to the food containers sitting between us. “Knowing Ains, she brought home cheese sticks, fried pickles, and nachos.” He chuckles. “I swear she’s trying to fatten me up.” He picks up the top container and passes it to me. I don’t have much of an appetite but I take it anyway.
I open it, revealing a mountain of nachos smothered in meat, jalapenos, and cheese sauce, among other things. My mouth instantly waters. They definitely don’t have food like this at Rockwood Penitentiary.
“Told ya.” Finn laughs when he opens the other container and finds cheese sticks and fried pickles. “So predictable.”
“Maybe she’s got a point.” I gesture toward him. “You are looking a little thin.” I pick up a nacho overflowing with toppings and shovel it into my mouth, practically moaning around the bite.
“Thin?” He flexes a bicep. “It’s called lean muscle.”
“Is that what it’s called?” I chuckle around my mouthful of food.
“Fuck you. It’s not like we all have had countless hours to spend working out.” He throws me a side eye.
“You got me. I wanted to go to jail for that very reason,” I deadpan.
“Shut up.” He chomps down on a cheese stick, the cheese oozing out, causing him to have to stuff the whole thing into his mouth to avoid wearing half of it. “At least you made the best of it,” he adds once he’s swallowed his food. “You’re more ripped than you’ve ever been before.”
“Well, like you said. I had a lot of free time.” I shrug, shoveling another nacho into my mouth.
We spend the next hour lounging around the living room, bullshitting about nothing of real significance. Honestly, it feels good to be here again. In some ways it feels like I never left.
The floor still has the same worn and chipped hardwood. The walls are still painted the same gray and need some serious touch ups. The same furniture still sits in the exact same spots. It’s like I left for five years and not one thing changed. Well, with the house anyway.
Other things have changed in ways I never imagined they would.
I knew when Ainsley never came to see me in jail that she was mad at me. And while I didn’t want her to visit me because I didn’t want her to ever step foot in a place like that, it still stung a little. I expected that sting to lessen as time went on but that wasn’t the case. The older she got, and the more time that had passed, the worse it was for me.
I hated the thought of everything I was missing. I told myself over and over again, if I could just see her, explain things to her, then I could make her understand. But she never came and I never got the chance.
Not that I would have ever told her the truth. I wouldn’t do that to Finn. But I needed to somehow make her see that everything I did, I did for her.
Now, I’m afraid it’s too little too late. We aren’t the same people we were five years ago. And no matter how much I want to force things between us to be okay, I know I have to let it happen with time.
I just hope one day she can see that I�
�m still the same guy I’ve always been. The one who was like a second brother to her for all those years. The one she used to look at as part of her family.
Because now she doesn’t look at me like that anymore. Hell, she barely looks at me at all. The thought is a sobering one, and has me slipping off to my bedroom before eight o’clock in an effort to try to sleep off the reminders this day brought back.
I knew coming here after being away for so long would be difficult, I just didn’t realize it would be to this degree. What once felt like home, feels more like the prison cell I just got out of.
I hate to think of it that way but I also can’t help it. In some strange way, being shut in this bedroom feels like being locked away all over again, especially when the person I want to talk to the most won’t look at me.
I plop back on the bed, not bothering to turn on any lights. The sun has almost completely set, casting a low orange glow into the room that fits my mood.
Tucking my hands behind my head, I look up at the ceiling, trying to sort through the array of emotions that have swarmed me since I stepped into this house yesterday. And that’s when I hear her voice.
Ainsley.
She must be on the phone. She’s obviously not used to having someone in the room next to her so she probably hasn’t considered that I can hear her through the paper-thin walls.
“I don’t know, Lily.” I can hear the uncertainty in her voice. For some reason, it makes me more curious as to what they’re talking about.
I know I shouldn’t be listening to their conversation. What twenty-six-year-old man eavesdrops on his best friend’s little sister? But I can’t seem to help myself. I inch closer to the headboard that sits against the adjoining wall of our bedrooms.
“Nick Porter, though. He’s a little old for me, isn’t he?” She pauses, presumably listening to the person on the other line. Lily, I think she said. Though that name doesn’t sound familiar to me.
There was a point in time when I knew every single person in Ainsley’s life. Safe to say that’s no longer the case.
“Yeah, but six years isn’t as bad. Eleven years is just too big of a gap. Besides, isn’t he in the middle of a divorce?” My ears instantly perk up.
Another long pause.
“That was a long time ago though, Lil. I was just a kid.”
More silence.
“Yes it makes a difference.”
Another pause.
“Yes, okay. He’s even sexier now than he was back then, but that’s not the point.” A brief hesitation. “Lil, would you stop? Just because I was secretly in love with him when I was younger does not mean I’m still harboring those feelings. You know how I feel about him now, probably better than most.”
My shoulders go rigid and I swear I can feel my pulse everywhere, thumping through my body like a steady drum.
Is she talking about me?
No.
I quickly shake off the thought. There’s no way. Yes, she did used to follow me around like a lost puppy, but she never gave me any indication that she had any sort of crush on me. She was fifteen when I went to jail. If she was harboring feelings for me, I think I would have noticed. Teenage girls aren’t the most subtle creatures in the world.
Then again, maybe I never noticed because I was never looking.
Even at fifteen, Ainsley was eye catching. The older she got, the harder it was to continue looking at her like she was my little sister. Every day her beauty grew and every day it became harder not to notice.
I think back to the weeks leading up to my arrest. The way Ainsley would look at me. The things she would say. How weird she had been acting around me.
Maybe it was in front of me all along and I didn’t want to see it.
“Okay, I’m done talking to you now. I should have known this is why you called.” She laughs and the sound instantly takes me back.
Back to when we would sit up in our favorite tree and talk for hours. Back to long summer days that her, Finn, and I would spend on the lake. Back to a simpler time when she looked at me like I mattered, which is completely different than how she looks at me now.
“No, you cannot come over and see him.” Another laugh. “I’m serious, Lil. If you show up here I will not answer the door.”
A brief moment of silence passes.
“I already told you no. I have too much schoolwork to get done. Lily.” Her tone is playfully threatening. “That bitch just hung up on me,” she says presumably to herself, soft music kicking on moments later.
I spend the next several minutes dissecting everything I overheard. Either Ainsley had a thing for me when she was younger, or it just so happens that there’s another guy who was in her life back then that just came back into the picture. Not likely.
I’m not sure how this news makes me feel. On one hand, I’m uneasy and a little embarrassed that I never noticed. On the other, the thought kind of excites me, which makes me feel incredibly guilty.
Though I’m not sure why it matters now. She’s made it pretty clear she wants nothing to do with me anymore.
It’s right after nine when I hear a knock on the front door. The music coming from Ainsley’s room immediately stops and I hear her bedroom door open moments later. “Fucking, Lily,” she grumbles as she stomps down the hall.
Pushing up on my elbows, I try to stop myself from going out there to investigate, but my curiosity is too much to resist. I have to meet this Lily character. Her reaction to me will say a lot about what Ainsley has or hasn’t told her.
Not that I even know why I care.
Rolling out of bed, I cross the room, not bothering to put on a shirt before stepping out into the hallway with only a pair of old gym shorts hanging loosely on my hips.
I enter the living room to see Ainsley and another girl, with light brown skin and black hair, talking quietly in the open doorway.
Lily sees me first, her eyes darting over Ainsley’s shoulder before widening slightly. I offer her a smile and nod as I turn, veering toward the back of the house.
Less than a minute passes before I sense someone enter the kitchen. Keeping my back to the doorway, I pretend not to notice as I busy myself making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Even though I just ate that entire thing of nachos less than two hours ago, I’m hungry again, so really I’m killing two birds with one stone right now.
“You must be Ryland,” an unfamiliar female voice says.
“I am.” I slap a second piece of bread on top of my sandwich and turn, taking a large bite as I do.
My eyes land on a girl who I would guess to be about the same age as Ainsley. Her dark hair falls right below her shoulders and she has cute, mousy features that make her look younger than she probably is. Average height. Curvy build. She’s a good-looking girl, but definitely no Ainsley.
I don’t know where the thought comes from. But it hits me so unexpectantly that I nearly choke on the peanut butter and bread as I try to swallow.
It’s one thing to acknowledge she’s attractive. It’s another to start comparing other women to her.
“Hey, Lil, will you grab me a water while you’re in there?” Ainsley calls from the living room.
Women.
I have to resist the urge to chuckle at their lame attempt to cover up what clearly is going on here.
“Yeah,” she calls back, her big brown eyes locked on me. “I’m Lily, by the way.” She smiles, setting off toward the refrigerator. She pulls it open, grabs two bottles of water, and closes the door, turning to where I’m standing a couple short feet away.
I don’t miss the way her gaze dips to my bare torso before coming back up to my face. I’d be lying if I said her reaction didn’t give me a little bit of satisfaction. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a woman’s eyes on my body.
I really need to get laid.
The thought makes me feel more like myself than I have in a while. That must be it. My unease. My uncertainty. The fact that I’ve thought about nothing but Ain
sley since the moment I stepped in that front door twenty-four hours ago.
I just need to get laid, let off some steam, and remember what it feels like to be Ryland Thorpe again.
“It’s nice to meet you, Lily.” I nod, tearing off another bite of my sandwich.
“I’m Ainsley’s friend. I just came over to help her study.”
“That’s very nice of you.” I pretend to buy the lie.
“Anyways.” She slowly starts to back away, her eyes making another sweep of my body as she does. “It was nice to meet you, finally. I’ve heard a lot about you.”
“You have?” I question, finding the statement odd. Considering Ainsley has made it clear she wants nothing to do with me, I find it hard to believe she would say anything about me at all. She seems pretty content pretending that I don’t exist.
And yet, I overheard her talking about me tonight. Then again, I only caught the last part of the conversation. Who knows what was said before I started listening.
“Oh yeah. Ainsley talks about you all the time. I swear every memory she has involves you. I especially loved the lake story. Did you really pay her twenty dollars to jump into the water in the middle of December?”
My lips quirk up into a smile.
“Lily, come on!” Ainsley hollers, the irritation in her voice is unmistakable.
“Yeah, well, um, I gotta go,” Lily stutters out before quickly turning and disappearing from the kitchen.
I stand there, partially stunned for a long moment. Here I had assumed Ainsley hated me. Maybe she doesn’t hate me at all. Maybe she just wants me to think she hates me.
Regardless, I need to get the hell out of this house. I think my biggest problem is that I’ve been cooped up for far too long. I need to get out of here, have a few beers, and hopefully sink my dick into someone for the first time in five years.
And I know just the place to go...
Chapter 5
A Thousand Cuts (CELL BLOCK C) Page 3