by Amie Knight
Shit. She really wasn’t going to let last night slide. Damn it, I hadn’t meant to go that far. I’d only wanted to hurt Ainsley like she had been hurting me for four damn years. The touch of heartache on her face, the small smidgen of pain I’d seen when I had said that she was no one, didn’t even come close to the agony I had experienced when she had left. The sheer misery of the last four years. She had barely reacted, but I knew her face like I knew my own. She might have been trying to hide behind all of that makeup and ice, but I had seen her. I always had and I always would. As for the kiss, I’d meant for it to hurt her, but I hadn’t meant to open my eyes and see hers staring back at me. It had floored me and I couldn’t look away. Greta’s lips had felt wrong. Not soft enough. They hadn’t tasted right. That kiss had ruined my night as surely as it had ruined Ainsley’s. I was pure shit at this revenge crap.
I rubbed some deodorant under my arms and tried to make my way out of the bathroom. Miranda was blocking my way, so I placed my hands under her arms, picking her up and physically moving her aside. She huffed and leaned back against the doorjamb of the bathroom. I grabbed my boxer briefs, sat on the bed, and slid them under my towel, getting fully prepared to defend myself. I looked up at her, really taking her in for the first time, and I couldn’t stop the laugh that fell out of my mouth.
“What in God’s name are you wearing?” I asked through my chuckle. I stared down at her very tight, black pants that seemed to have donuts all over them. I mean, I could have been mistaken, so I studied them harder. Nope, still donuts. I laughed even harder.
“Now is not the time to discuss how delicious and fashionable my leggings are, Adrian. I seriously cannot believe what you did last night. It so wasn’t you. I’m freaking disappointed. You knew she was coming home. I prepared you, and instead of trying to win her back or playing nice, you were a complete douchebag. I mean, that kiss, well… It was just wrong on so many levels. Lord, you have to be the absolute worse alpha in history.” She rolled her eyes, sat down on the bed with me, then lay back. She stared at the ceiling and sighed. “You were a complete….” She stopped like she was contemplating just how horrible of a person I was. Then she snapped her fingers and shouted out enthusiastically, “Alpha-hole! Yep, that’s you, an alpha-hole. You are ruining every book boyfriend I’ve ever read.”
Miranda’s book shit drove me crazy, but usually, it was pretty comical. Not that day though. She couldn’t ask this of me. She shouldn’t expect me to forgive Ainsley. There was no going back for us. No way to make it right. There wasn’t even the possibility of friendship. I was still too damn hurt and mad.
I got up to finish getting dressed, leaving Crazytown lying in my bed. “Miranda, Ainsley and I are over and you know it. Get that crap outta your head, babe. She left me when I needed her. She took something precious and shit all over it. I don’t even know how you can forgive her. She left you too. Remember? Me? I’m done. I shouldn’t have done what I did last night—you’re right. I’ll try not to be horrible to her, but we will never be the same. Hell, we probably will never even be friends, but I’ll try my hardest to be respectful, which is more than she gave me when she left. That’s the best I can do,” I finished as I pulled my T-shirt over my head.
“I know she hurt you. I do. I was there, remember? We were all each other had, but I also know that Ainsley is not the same girl she was before we lost Lori. She may look like she is okay, but she isn’t. Something’s not right with her, and I don’t know how to help her because she refuses to show a speck of emotion. She needs our help, Adrian and I know you’re hurt, but she needs you. Trust me. You’re the Mr. Darcy to her Elizabeth, the Deuce to her Eva, the Joe to her Violet. She needs you to heal. She needs back her epic love to make things right.”
Jesus, I had no idea what Miranda was going on about. I didn’t even want to ask because I was positive it had to do with some of her romance book shit, but I needed to stand strong and let her know the way things were going to be. I wasn’t getting trapped in Ainsley’s web again only to be left there hanging—alone. Never again.
I sat down next to her on the bed and pulled her so she was lying on my chest with my arm around her. “You know I love you, babe, right?”
She nodded, so I kept going.
“And you know I would do anything in the world for you. You know this because I have. I was there the nights you couldn’t sleep after Lori passed. I was there for every nightmare. You called me and I dropped everything in a flash to be there for you. And I’ll still do that because that’s what we are to each other and that will never change.” I stopped talking so that I could grab her chin and she could give me those eyes because I was serious and I wanted her to see that. “But you can’t ask me to do this, Miranda. It’s not fair or right. Life isn’t a chick novel. Life is hard and mistakes are made that can’t be fixed. Ainsley made one of those mistakes, and now, she has to live with it. And, as hard as it still is to deal with, so do I. So do you. We all do.”
Miranda hugged me around my waist and whispered into my chest, “I just want you guys to be happy. Both of you. Life gave us a rough start, ya know? We all deserve a bit of happiness.”
I did know. I knew most of all because my start had been pure hell and Ainsley had been my heaven in that hell—until she hadn’t. I didn’t want to upset Miranda with that though, so I just pulled her long ponytail and jokingly said, “Don’t worry, Crazytown. You’ll find your Dex and get your happiness.”
Miranda sat up and looked down at me with confusion. “Dex?” she asked. Her face cleared of confusion, and then she smiled. “Ahh, you mean Deuce.” She ruffled my hair.
I guess I had meant Deuce, although I wasn’t sure why any chick would want to date a dude called Deuce.
Miranda continued on. “I’m not really sure I want a Deuce. I mean, maybe, because he is super hot and swoony. Oh, and he is the president of a badass MC, but he can also be mean as hell and really isn’t all that great of a guy about ninety-nine percent of the time.”
She was so serious, and I felt like this could go on forever, so I cut her off with a genuine question.
“What the hell is an MC?”
“A motorcycle club,” she answered smartly, like I was the dumb one. Her face got all dreamy.
I could only assume she was fantasizing about this Deuce. I rolled my eyes and tackled her to the bed, tickling her. “Oh hell no. No mean, hot, swoony MC dudes for you. We’re gonna get you settled down with a nice software developer or accountant,” I said while continuing to tickle her.
Miranda laughed hysterically at this because she knew I was full of shit and had absolutely no control over her kind of crazy. That laugh reminded me that we were happy. We had been moving on and things were better for me, Miranda, and Jessi. We were getting there and Ainsley had the ability to come to town and tear us down—ruin us all—but I wouldn’t let her. No way. No how.
No matter how I prepared, no matter how many pep talks I gave myself, it still burned me to the damn core every time I saw Ainsley. I had known I would see her because I was stopping at the hospital to check on Jessi and drop her chemo bag off, which was still in my car. What I hadn’t expected was to see her standing at the entrance, looking on the verge of having a nervous breakdown. She was pacing back and forth and would stop every now and then, rocking backward and forward on her toes. Her arms were wrapped tight around her body like she was holding herself together. I wanted to walk past her. I wanted to ignore that niggling feeling in the back of my brain that said, Stop. She needs you. I wanted to abandon her and let her pain sweep her away into an unceasing misery. Just like she had done to me when she had left. But Miranda’s words from this morning were still haunting me. Ainsley wasn’t the same. She was still damaged. She needed someone. I was the first to admit that that someone wasn’t me, but still, I couldn’t just walk past and ignore her. My heart wouldn’t let me, and that pissed me the hell off.
I was right near her when she finally saw me. She had obv
iously been far inside her mind. I knew where she was because, sometimes, even I had to go there to escape the sting of real life. Her eyes were red and swollen, her hair was a mess, and she seemed to have lost some of her makeup in her distress. She wasn’t wearing some fancy-ass dress like she had been a week ago when I had seen her at Beau’s, but rather she had plain, faded jeans and a soft-looking Nashville T-shirt on. It pleased me too damn much to see my Ainsley peeking through, which made me even more mad at myself. But, God, she was beautiful. Smudged makeup and all, she still took my breath away. Fuck.
I stood in front of her, Jessi’s bag in hand and fire in my blood. I was mad. How dare she look like mine?
“What the fuck are you doing out here? Why aren’t you in there with your momma?” I asked a little more harshly than I should have, but I couldn’t help it. This girl made me absolutely insane.
Her eyes widened, and she pushed one trembling hand in my direction like she was reaching for me, but quick as lightning, she brought her hand back to her body. She stood straight and tall, and a hard look replaced the pained one I’d seen when I’d first spotted her.
She wrapped her arm back around her body protectively and asked me calmly, “What are you doing here, Adrian?”
That one question pushed me over the edge. She had not just asked me what I was doing there. The real question was: What was she doing there? I was doing what I had been doing for four damn years. I was taking care of my family. I got right in her face because I wanted her to see my rage. She had no right to question me.
“I’m doing what I do, Ainsley. I’m taking care of the people who love me. That’s what I do for the people who care for me. I don’t run when things get tough. I stick around and try to help.” I held Jessi’s bag up for her see. “And I have Jessi’s chemo bag. She’ll need it today. Now, why the hell aren’t you in there with your momma?”
Her face fell just enough—I saw it. Probably no one else would have noticed the flash of pain that crossed her face, but I did because of what we had been to each other our whole lives. Because she was her and I was me. Hell. I’d never be free of her.
She rocked a little on her toes again and said, “It’s just…hard. To be in there, ya know? The smell. The sounds.” She looked down at the ground. “It reminds me.”
I did know. I knew because I had taken Jessi to all of her chemo appointments so far. I knew because this was the only hospital in this small town and I had graced its doorsteps countless times over the years and it fucking killed every time I walked through those doors. It always reminded me of Lori, my pretty girl.
I placed the bag on the ground between us and grabbed the tops of her arms, urging her to look at me. She continued to stare at the ground, so I forced out through clenched teeth, “Look at me, Ainsley.”
When the emerald green of her eyes hit mine, my body went solid. How could I hate her and want her so damn much? Touching her sent sparks of electricity along my skin.
I took a deep breath to get myself in check. “You are gonna get your shit together and walk into that hospital with me. You are going to do it because your momma needs you and it’s the right thing to do. Do you think that it doesn’t hurt all of us to walk in there? Do you think that it didn’t hurt your momma a week after she lost Lori to walk in there and go to work? It absolutely did, but she did it because she had to. She did it for you. And. So. Will. You.”
She looked sideways, past me, like she couldn’t bear to look at me anymore than I could stand to look at her, and nodded softly. I picked the bag between us up in one hand and pried her arm from her body with the other. I placed my hand in hers and dragged her toward the sliding glass doors of the entrance to the hospital. She picked her pace up and walked alongside me. She appeared just a bit stronger, and I was glad for it. Not because I cared. I didn’t care about her at all—or so I lied to myself. I cared about Jessi, and she needed Ainsley right now. I kept telling myself that until we reached the elevator and I let her hand go.
“What is a chemo bag, and why do you have it?” Ainsley asked softly as we entered the elevator.
She didn’t know. I was floored. No one had told her that I had been taking care of Jessi. Holding her hand, being near her, was making me waver in my hate for her. She could hurt me again if I let her in.
I felt my distrust slam between us like a window closing, so I fed off that feeling and snapped out, “It’s her magazines, an iPod with her favorite music and some audio books, her kindle, and some snacks that don’t make her nauseous. It’s just shit she needs for chemo. And I have it because I’ve been carting your momma to and from her appointments for a while. Some of us have been helping her out, Ainsley. Some of us know what the hell is going on because we talk to her more than once a fucking month.”
My voice was loaded with hate, I knew, but I couldn’t care less. If I gave her an inch, she would take all of me, and I refused to let that happen—again.
After stepping off the elevator, I made my way to where I knew Jessi would be. I had been there enough times to find her. Ainsley trailed behind me quite a few feet back. I didn’t blame her. In fact, she was probably safer back there because I was ready to blow.
I stopped in front of Jessi and plastered a huge smile on my face. I wouldn’t let my problems with Ainsley become hers. She didn’t need that crap. She needed love and stability, not the craziness that was the new Adrian and Ainsley.
“Hey, gorgeous. I brought your bag. I didn’t want you to be without it today,” I cooed as I leaned over and hugged Jessi tight. Then I kissed her cheek.
I loved this woman like she was my own mother. She had been there for me when I’d been growing up. I didn’t know if she knew what had gone on in my house as a child, but I have a feeling she did. Jessi was smart and not much got past her. She had tried to help as best she could, and since Lori’s passing, we had become even closer. Our grief had given us each other. As much as I hated to admit it, Lori had given me a mother.
“Aww, thank you, honey. You’re the best,” Jessi said while tightly hugging me back.
I could feel Ainsley’s eyes on my back as I unloaded a soft afghan Miranda had made for Jessi from the chemo bag. I placed it over her legs and tucked it around her. She was already hooked up, receiving her treatment. Every time I saw that IV, I panicked a little. I couldn’t lose her too. It would be too much to endure. The doctors had said that her prognosis was good though. They had found the cancer early, and with treatment to shrink the tumors and a surgery to remove the rest, she would be fine. I had more than faith this time. I had facts on my side.
“You need me to bring groceries by, or are you good?” I asked.
Jessi smiled at Ainsley behind me and then looked at me. “I think I’m good, honey, but thank you for everything.”
I was glad she had Ainsley even if it was miserable for me. There was a light back in her eyes, and she hadn’t looked this good since we had gotten the news about the cancer.
“All right. Well, I’ll bring by your favorite soup from that Mexican joint when you’re feeling better. I gassed up your car last week, so you should be straight for a while, and I’ll be by this weekend to cut the grass,” I said.
Jessi beamed at me. “You take good care of me, sweetie. I really appreciate it.”
I didn’t want Ainsley intruding on our private moment, so I bent at the waist, put my lips to Jessi’s ear, and whispered, “I love you, gorgeous.” Then I placed a long kiss on her forehead.
I mumbled my goodbyes and walked right past Ainsley on the way out, not paying her any mind, all the while paying her all the mind. I walked into the hallway, thinking on how I was going to avoid Ainsley while still taking care of Jessi. I would have to get over it because there was no way in hell I was giving Jessi up. She was practically my mother, and soon, Ainsley would bolt because that was what she did when shit got hard. I’d be there to clean the mess up and make things better again because that was what I did.
Sweat poured from my
brow and settled into my eyes. I grabbed my towel, which was hanging from the treadmill, and wiped my face. I threw my towel on the ground and cranked the speed on the treadmill up. I’d been pounding on this thing for well over an hour to no avail. I’d woken up this morning feeling completely unhinged and decided to head to the gym in my apartment complex to let off some steam. Usually, working out calmed my ass right the hell down, but not that morning, and I knew exactly why. Fucking Ainsley.
An hour’s worth of weights and an hour more on the treadmill hadn’t done a damn thing to chill me out. I knew what else would calm me. Sex. Sex would definitely settle me down, but ever since I’d run into Ainsley in the front of the hospital a few days ago, I hadn’t wanted to call Greta. And I knew why. It was because I had seen a tiny glimpse of my Ainsley and, now, no one else would do. Fuck.
I shut the treadmill down and ran the block back to my apartment. After I’d turned the shower on and stripped my gym shorts and my shirt off, I took in my red, sweaty face in the mirror and thought about Ainsley’s flushed face in front of the hospital. It had been almost makeup free. And then she had shown me a sliver of emotion. I felt my pulse quicken at the thought of having my Ainsley back.
God, I needed to get this girl out of my head, but I didn’t have the slightest idea how. Since she had been back, she had taken up residence in my mind almost twenty-four-seven. If I wasn’t thinking about how to avoid her or how much I wanted to hate her, I was thinking about kissing her, her soft mouth on mine. Or, better yet, fucking her.
I stepped into the shower, washed the sweat of the gym out of my hair, and started soaping my body. I ran my soapy hand over my chest, past my abs, and down to my already half-hard cock. I rubbed my soapy hand around the head a few times. It felt invigorating after I’d been so miserable the past few days. I slowly stroked myself while my mind automatically flashed to Ainsley’s mouth. I thought of how she’d tasted the first time I’d ever kissed her in that dark, small room at the back of the music hall. I thought of how her tongue had tentatively reached for mine, her taste exploding in my mouth. I remembered her moans as my chest met hers. I recalled the rush of her breaths as she ground her core against me. I reminisced on the first night I had actually taken her and how tight she’d been around my throbbing cock. I’d wanted her for so long, and she had been well worth the wait.