No, her mother of all people would never understand. And yet, she was the only person Allie could talk to.
No, the only person she was allowed to talk to. Not quite the same thing.
An insidious thought crept into her mind. Who was telling her she was allowed or not allowed? Once upon a time, it had been the U.S. Marshals Service along with her parents. Now, it was only Mom and the inner, scared voice that said never, never, never.
But I’m all grown up now. Can’t I decide what I can say, and who I can say it to?
She could still put her mother in danger. If, after fifteen years, anyone was still looking for her. Or cared. Or even remembered the secretary who’d heard something she wasn’t supposed to and who had gone into hiding and then testified at the trial, sending a mob assassin to prison.
Fifteen years ago.
I’ll have to think about this, she decided, half-afraid of the strange feeling swelling inside her that might have been liberation, or maybe courage of a completely different kind than her mother’s.
“I think I might be falling in love,” Allie said in a rush. “Doesn’t that always set you to asking yourself questions?”
“Allie, you can’t tell him anything.” Alarm had quickened on her mother’s face. “Don’t you remember what we were taught? This is who we are. If he doesn’t love who you are now, he’s not worth having.”
Part of Allie conceded that was true.
“What if we ever go to one of those places I’m supposed to have lived and he wants to see the house I grew up in? Or my high school, or...?”
“You find reasons not to go,” Mom said fiercely. “If you absolutely have to for some reason, you pick out a house and say, that was the one.”
“And what if he insists on knocking on the door and the people say, ‘What are you talking about? We inherited this house from my grandparents. You can’t have lived here.’”
“Then you apologize and tell them all you must have been confused, and my goodness the town has changed so much you’re all turned around.”
“Lie,” she said flatly.
“Allie, the chances of any of that happening are so remote, I don’t even know why we’re talking about it. We’ve lived in this area for almost eleven years now. You can show this Nolan where you graduated from high school and where we lived before we moved to West Fork.”
“Sooner or later, he’ll ask where Dad lives. And Jason.”
“Montana. Or maybe either or both of them have moved. You don’t know. You don’t want to see them. That’s what you tell him.”
“I do!” She jumped to her feet, shocked to feel tears running down her cheeks. “I do want to see them! I miss Daddy, I miss Jason, and I will not lie about that!”
She could see that her mother’s mouth had fallen open in bewilderment and what might have been fear.
Allie swiped angrily at her tears. “I’m sorry—I’m overreacting. I know I am, but I’m not very good company right now. I think I’d like to be alone.”
“Allie...” Mom sounded as if she had a lump in her throat. “I didn’t know....”
“Please, Mom. Not right now.”
“You won’t do anything foolish?”
If she had let herself laugh, it would have been an awful sound. “Kill myself? Or do you mean tell Nolan who I really am?”
Her mother’s eyes got even wider. “I never thought—”
“No, it isn’t my state of mind you’re worried about, is it? It’s my big mouth.”
Allie’s bitterness polluted the air. She could taste it and could tell her mother did, too.
“You know I love you.” Mom sounded helpless.
Damn it, that made Allie start crying again. She hated to cry.
“I love you, too.” Part of her wanted to fall into her mother’s arms and beg her forgiveness. The other part...well, the other part didn’t know what she wanted. “And I promise I won’t tell him anything without talking to you about it first,” she made herself say.
Allie couldn’t stand to see that lingering fear. She could only imagine her mother’s horror if she admitted that she’d already made mistakes and told both Nolan and Sean things she shouldn’t have.
Her mother nodded. “I’ll leave you alone as you wish, if you’re sure you don’t want me to help you clear the table or clean the kitchen.”
Allie was able to laugh, a little. “You know my kitchen doesn’t have room for both of us anyway.”
Mom left after kissing her hesitantly on her probably wet and splotchy cheek. Allie stood at the top and watched her descend the outside stairs carefully.
I have to get past this, she thought. If she couldn’t pull herself together and feel comfortable following the script, maybe she should quit seeing Nolan.
The thought was so bleak, she put it out of her mind immediately. She had a feeling that backing away wouldn’t accomplish anything but make her miserably unhappy anyway.
I am Humpty Dumpty and I’ve already taken the tumble. Shutting Nolan out of her life would not put her back together again. Maybe nothing would.
CHAPTER TEN
“HOW IS IT YOU’VE lived in the Northwest for this many years and never skied?” Nolan asked.
They were at his place on Sunday afternoon, sitting on the back porch steps watching Sean shoot baskets. Every time he dribbled the ball, Cassie bounded at it, barking. He was laughing, pretending she was an opponent on the court, maneuvering past her to put the ball up.
“Lots of reasons. Neither of my parents skied.” She shrugged. “It’s ridiculously expensive. Besides, I don’t like to be cold.”
“Wimp.” He nudged her gently with his shoulder. Allie bumped back.
The forecast had called for rain, so Nolan hadn’t come up with any new activity to suggest, as he’d undoubtedly have done if he’d known the promised rain would hold off. He’d suggested she come and hang out instead. He’d also suggested she invite her mom for dinner.
What he was doing was being pushy. Not that it was unreasonable of him to wonder why she hadn’t yet introduced him to her mother. It was now November and they’d been dating seriously for almost two months. She didn’t know herself why she hadn’t.
So she’d gulped, and done it. Mom was to arrive between five-thirty and six. Allie liked her mother. She didn’t understand why she was dreading the combination of Mom and Nolan.
“Do people in Chicago ski?” she asked.
Nolan laughed. “Well, not nearby. I’ve only tried the sport a few times, I have to admit. But I thought it was fun.”
“Please tell me it’s not one of those things you think Sean and I have to experience at least once in our lives.”
He laid an arm around her shoulders. “Well, sure it is. Do you really want to live your whole life without skiing or snowboarding?”
“Falling facedown in the very cold snow? Over and over? Breaking my leg?”
Nolan made a rude sound. “Not a chance. I’ve never seen anybody with better balance than you have. You’ll be a natural.” He seemed to ponder. “Why didn’t you stick to dance?”
She overcame a momentary blank. “It wasn’t possible after one of our moves.”
He removed his arm and looked at her, something alarmingly intense in his eyes. Curiosity. She recognized it. Of course he’d heard how stiff she sounded. She was a horrible liar, the absolute worst person to have been put in a position where she had to tell so many of them.
“No dance school?”
“Not...at the level I was dancing.” That was true, at least.
“That’s a shame,” he said thoughtfully.
Sean let loose with a shot from the three-point line and crowed with delight when it sank through the net. “Yeah! Did you see that?”
Nolan gave him a thumbs-up and Allie applauded. Cassie barked and they all laughed.
“You were right that he needed a dog,” Allie said.
“Hmm.” He leaned a shoulder against a porch upright. “What did you say
your dog’s name was?”
Oh, he’d slid that in casually, but the very fact that he’d asked made her mouth go dry. He suspected she’d been lying to him. He had to.
“Lady. She was a beagle.”
“Are beagles ladylike?”
“Probably not. Mom and I were talking about her just the other day. Lady liked to wander. She was a poor choice when we lived...” No, no, no, not in the city. “In town.”
“What did your dad do, that you guys had to move so often?”
Allie braved herself to meet his sharp blue eyes. “Why do you care so much about my childhood?”
“I want to know you.” He paused, lines on his forehead deepening, his expression somehow somber.
“Tell me I’m wrong, Allie. Tell me you don’t have scars deep inside.”
Breathless, she stared back, unable to say a word.
“Sometimes I think you don’t want to remember.”
She wrenched her gaze from his and watched Sean, without seeing his and Cassie’s antics. “Is that so unusual? You sound like you practice avoidance where your parents are concerned.”
“I can’t deny it. But I do go home for Christmas, and I told you about them.”
“Yes.” Dear God, how was she supposed to deflect him? “It was different for me,” she said finally. “Neither of your parents abandoned you.”
“My biological father did.”
“If he knew you existed.”
“That’s true.” He hadn’t once looked away from her face. “Why won’t you talk about it, Allie? What happened, that you never see or hear from your father? Did he hurt you? Abuse you?”
“No!” Shocked, she turned her head and met his eyes again. “Of course not! I loved him.”
“Then why?”
“I do hear from him. He writes sometimes. It’s just...things with him and my mom...” Hearing how weak that sounded, Allie winced. And braced herself. Nolan would never let her get by with it.
“And your brother?” Trust him to twist the inquisition in a way she hadn’t expected.
“He sided with Dad.” Her throat wanted to close. “I felt like I had to choose, okay?” Felt like? She had had to choose. Eenie, meenie, minie, mo, which parent do you cut out of your life? “It was the worst thing I’ve ever had to do.”
“God, Allie.” Suddenly he tugged her across the top step so that he could wrap both arms around her. “I’m sorry. So sorry. That stinks. What were they thinking?” The anger in his voice both warmed her and scared her.
“Don’t say anything to Mom,” she said desperately. “Please don’t, Nolan.”
He was silent for a long time. He’d laid his cheek on top of her head and was rubbing it back and forth. “No,” he said finally, gruffly. “Of course I won’t. I have no right to jump in. I know I don’t.”
“No.” Her sharp tone contradicted the way she was burrowing into his embrace. Or was it the other way around? “You don’t.”
Nolan didn’t say anything, and she had to suspect she’d hurt his feelings. Hers would have been hurt, if he’d said anything like that.
“Did you choose your mother because you needed her?” he asked, shocking her with his perceptiveness. “Or because she needed you?”
She wrenched herself away. Her stare must be wild. “Why won’t you let this go?”
Now his expression was implacable. “I told you. Because I want to know you. Don’t you want to know me?” he asked, his voice softening.
Yes. No. Her heart was hammering so hard she was almost dizzy. They stared at each other in a standoff she was terrified she wouldn’t win.
“Hey,” Sean said from the foot of the steps. “What’s going on?” His gaze moved from one of them to the other.
“We’re arguing,” Nolan said easily. “So what, did you finally concede to Cassie?”
Sean cackled. “Yeah, if only she could shoot.”
The dog stood beside him, tail going so hard her butt swung from side to side. She was panting, her tongue hanging out.
“You’ve got a hell of a shot,” Nolan told him. “Your coach pleased?”
“Yeah, he said he’d planned to put me at center, but he’s changed his mind and decided I’ll play forward. Except I’m not so good at defense yet.”
Nolan shrugged. “You’ll get it.” His smile grew into a grin. “It’ll help when you quit tripping over those big feet of yours.”
If she hadn’t been so tangled up inside, Allie would have giggled at the way Nolan’s foster son scowled at his feet, as if he hadn’t figured them out yet.
“I went up two sizes this year.”
“You’ve passed me by,” Nolan said.
Allie estimated Sean was wearing a twelve at least, and his feet looked even more monstrous in the kind of athletic shoes that would have made her feet look big. She could only imagine them if he left them untied the way boys did.
“Do you think they’ll stop now?” Sean sounded plaintive.
“Maybe. Probably not.”
“Dad wasn’t that huge.”
“What about your mom’s side of the family?”
There was a noticeable pause. “I think she was tall. Like, almost as tall as he was.”
“There you go, then,” Nolan said with an easy smile. “Heredity in action. Boys aren’t usually done growing yet at your age.”
He frowned at them. “What about girls?”
“Mostly girls are, I think,” Allie told him apologetically. “Not all. I had a friend who was teeny tiny because she didn’t reach puberty until she was almost sixteen. So she grew after that. But I was done by the time I was twelve.”
“Well.” He looked at her kindly. “You kind of got stuck.”
Allie stuck out her tongue at him, and he laughed.
“What were you guys arguing about?”
“None of your business,” Nolan said bluntly. He groaned. “I suppose I should start dinner.”
Please, Allie thought. Maybe he’d quit asking her questions. “Yes, you should. Since you insisted on making this a big deal by inviting my mother.”
Sean twirled the ball on a fingertip. “Is she, like, not that nice or something?”
“What?”
“Well...” The ball fell into his hands and he looked uneasy at her tone. “’Cause you didn’t want us to meet her.”
“Of course she’s nice! I didn’t not want you to meet her....” She floundered. “It was just...”
They both waited politely.
“Meeting the family is kind of...” Nolan’s eyes narrowed, unnerving her. “It’s not something you do when you’re first dating someone, that’s all.”
“But he wanted you to meet me right away.” Sean evidently saw something on Nolan’s face and gulped. “Um, I guess you kind of had to, when we live together and stuff.”
She swiveled to look right at Nolan. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know I was hurting your feelings.”
His expression softened. “No. I was impatient, that’s all. I’m not usually,” he added ruefully.
Allie only nodded. Her hands, she discovered, were clasped together so tightly she wasn’t sure she could pry them apart.
I should have told Mom I’ve slipped a few times. So she doesn’t contradict me.
Too late. And, heaven help her, Nolan was sure to grill her mother.
“Do you want to shoot some baskets?” Sean asked Allie.
Heaving himself to his feet, Nolan glanced at her with amusement. “Do you think you can throw the ball up that high?”
“I could get the stepladder,” Sean chimed in.
“Is that a challenge?” Allie stood and dusted off her behind. “How hard can it be to put a stupid ball through a ring?”
They both laughed.
“And to think, I was going to offer to help with dinner.” She grinned at Sean. “You’re on.”
She strolled down the steps, snatched the ball from the fourteen-year-old’s hands and carried it to the free-throw line. Now, if only s
he hadn’t lost her knack.
Nolan, she was aware, had grabbed Cassie by the collar and pushed her into the house, then lingered on the porch himself, still amused. Sean sauntered toward her with a shit-eating grin on his face. Allie dribbled the ball a couple of times to get in the zone, letting it come back up to smack her hands. Then she lifted it, jumped and let the ball slip off her fingertips. It made a perfect arc, dropping through the net with a swish. No backboard.
Sean gaped.
Nolan let out a hearty laugh and went inside.
Allie retrieved the ball, dribbled away from the garage, turned and shot. Swish.
“You conned me.”
“No,” she said. “If I’d suggested putting some money on whether I could make a free throw, then I’d have been conning you.”
“You can’t have played basketball.”
“Because I’m a girl?” She shot right over his head. Swish.
His mouth dropped open again. He closed it with a snap. “Because you’re short,” he said indignantly.
Allie relented enough to smile at him. “No, I didn’t play varsity or anything, because I am too short. But we had to play in PE, and for some reason I always had a really good shot.” She shrugged. “I’m good at bat, too.”
His eyes grew calculating. “You wanna play horse?”
“What do I win if I beat you?”
“You don’t have a lawn I could mow.”
“I could teach you to cut out fabric. Saturdays are busy in the store. A little extra help would be great.”
The appalled expression on his face made her day.
“No way I’m going to be seen in a fabric store!”
“Well, then?”
“Five bucks.”
“Five bucks it is.”
She won the first game. Grimly determined, Sean shot from farther and farther out during the second game, eventually beyond her reach. “Horse!” he declared triumphantly.
“No fair,” she said. “Play-off, and you can’t use your height advantage that way.”
“Fine. You start.” He bounced the ball to her.
They were midgame when she heard a car in the driveway. Sean had been dribbling in preparation for a tricky side-court shot when he heard it, too, and stopped with the ball in his hands.
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