Milo slumped into Sadey, and as I feared, roared the car’s engine to life. I cringed knowing Deidra would be on the warpath in a matter of hours, but there was little I could do now. Slamming the car into gear, his pride and joy moved fast. I looked down at the tire marks as Sadey rounded the corner and vanished out of sight.
Chapter Thirteen
Milo
My heart thumped without a steady rhythm against my ribcage—a war raged inside of me, twisting and turning every organ and fucking with my moral compass. What right did I have to figure out what my feelings held for Edward, and where did I plan to take him or me? My feet slammed on the clutch and brake two streets over from my inexcusable habits—all things I acquired from living with my father and loathed about myself.
What was I thinking?
The gentle dance our tongues performed in that kiss, and how much more I yearned to explore Edward in a biblical manner, and it consumed my thoughts—it scared the shit out of me. The idea of sliding my fingertips along his collarbone, down his taut chest, along his carved abs, and brushing them along the waist of his jeans, all while watching as the hunger grew in his baby blues with the desire we both cultivated inside our hidden agendas, well my hidden agenda. I shook my head as I realized that those thoughts had stopped in the middle of the street.
Edward stood out as the better man; he allowed himself the freedom to admit what he wanted. He laid out his cards with honesty, sincerity, and under no obligation to allow me the luxury of figuring out what all this meant. The asshole in me recognized how screwed up my behavior with Edward appeared. Yet, here I sat, my dick harder than ever, rubbing against my workout shorts, in the middle of a staunch neighborhood. One I had no business being in, considering the lack of respect I’d shown before and the onslaught of despicable actions currently at hand.
None of it mattered as I shoved Sadey in reverse and found my way back in the driveway of the one thing I shouldn’t want but needed to explore. The one person who captured my attention and didn’t ask anything from me but to be a decent person. Clearly, not a task most people failed at, but I never did anything half-assed, nor did I do anything to meet others’ expectations.
Edward’s front shutters remained closed. I imagined after his night with Logan he’d cursed my name and slumped off to bed. Every ounce of logic told me to back right out of the driveway and slink back to my side of the tracks. However, curiosity forced me out of my car, and I followed the pavers of the walkway to his front door.
Regret and guilt, along with my throbbing fist, told me I’d failed when I punched the cabinet and tore off in a rage of confusion. My fatal flaw entwined between the mixture of my mother not confronting issues and the violence of my father. I knew the terrible combination needed to be fixed, but I failed at the follow-through of correcting it.
Unsure of the reception I might receive, I tapped like a coward against the front door. Nothing happened. Not a hint of anyone coming to answer the knock. If I were a normal man, I’d tuck my dick between my legs and leave—cut my losses and be done. I was far from normal and completely torn in shreds, acting on this impulse, which took up more space in my head the past few months than I cared to think about at the moment. Without an answer to my original tap, I pushed the doorbell not once, but at least ten times. My bravery and desire to unfold this puzzle forced me into a state of madness. I never wanted to date crazy and kept those girls at a fair distance, but here I stood, acting exactly as they did toward me.
The lock turned, and the door cracked open. Edward’s less than pleased glare stared me down. Not that I didn’t deserve it, but the light that always appeared when he and I interacted dimmed and reflected an icy, lifeless vacancy.
“Can I come in?” Eating humble pie didn’t taste good, but the resolve of whatever this resonating, powerful grip between us needed to happen and not tomorrow.
“Milo, I’m tired. We’ve said all that needs to be said.”
“Please. I think we have more—”
He cut me off. “You’re searching for something I no longer want to be a part of...”
“I can’t leave.”
“And I can’t talk with someone who thinks with his fists.”
The fatal stab handed down and twisted my chest, buckling my knees. He’d hit me where I deserved it, but it didn’t make it easier for me to hear. My father held a power over me I detested, and every year I lived in his house, and sat side-lined watching his behavior, it grew like a disease inside me.
“Get up and come inside for goodness sake. I don’t want the neighbours privy to your dramatics.” He opened his door and waved me back inside.
As he shut the door, my carnal desire for Edward returned in a zealous urge once more. This time I let loose and backed him against his front door. Discussion would happen, but if he didn’t return this kiss, there was no need for me to stay. I placed my bets all in one basket and jumped in with both feet.
One hand swept behind his neck, and the other grazed his cheek as his breath hitched. My lips met his; the same soft welcome reciprocated. The chill turned warmer with every second that passed.
A few wild beats of my stammering heart urged my tongue forward as it swept his lips, begging them for the secret password imploring him to open. I’d never asked permission from the girls I dated. They willingly took my lead. Edward held fast to his integrity, forcing my silent begging. Deep down, with the heat of our exchange, I knew he’d give in—my arrogance wouldn’t fail me.
This elaborate sense of unbridled energy and jockeying for control drove me mad, and I loved it. For the first time in my life, someone challenged me and pushed back but also showed me their vulnerabilities. At this moment, with him trapped between me and the door, he gave in and opened, allowing me access to something more than a simple kiss, I felt a connection deeper than anything I had before.
His hands found my hips as I stepped forward and crushed my cock against his. Something about them only separated between the cloth we wore, but craving one another's touch, sent me into a frenzy. Our once slow sweet kiss now sped up, and those thoughts driving away earlier sprang to life.
While our mouths explored one another, our hands entered the playing field. I’d never touched another man before, his neck and chest under my fingers screamed wildly for me to continue their journey over every inch. As much as I didn’t want to break the kiss, Edward’s shirt needed to go. Rather than break us apart, I pinched the material tight between my hands and pulled hard. It tore and left his skin bare and ready for me.
Without opening my eyes, I allowed my other senses the pleasure of our journey. I knew he held more experience here, but some things were universal. I’d pleasured many women in my life, and foreplay was my wheelhouse. The smooth softness of his chest under my fingers proved he manscaped far better than me. Edward moaned as I brushed across his abs. The taste of sweet honey coated his mouth as we kept on pushing forward in this moment.
A slight trail of hair finally crossed beneath my exploration—a slight happy trail near the top of the waist of his pants. Curiosity fueled my desire but came to a halt when, once more, Edward placed both palms on my chest and nudged us apart. This time I didn’t reach out and punch anything—self-control prevailed.
I slid my hands up his chest and placed them on either side of his face, my thumbs grazing his cheeks, leaning in, and putting our foreheads together.
“Why’d you stop me?”
“As much as I want this, we need to talk.”
I understood we were in a difficult situation. I didn’t know how all this worked with men. With a willing woman, I’d have my hand down her pants and flicking that clit before she’d want to change her mind and say no. I’d know by how she soaked my hand when she was ready to go further. I also understood what her moans and hip movements meant. They lead my moves. But this, with Edward, had me floating in uncharted territory.
Did men discuss feelings? Were the rules different? What was the code?
> “Why did you come back, Milo?” he whispered between us. My eyes remained closed. Truth mattered at this moment, and it wouldn’t happen if I looked at him. Part of me still fought the idea of being drawn into another man’s arms when I saw the world with my eyes open. Inside the darkness behind closed lids—I knew something special buzzed between Edward and me.
“I couldn’t have you see me as a violent man.”
“You punched a hole in my kitchen cupboard door...”
“I’ll work extra shifts and replace it.”
He transferred his weight from one leg to the other, removed one of my hands from his face, and placed mine in his. He tilted his pelvis against mine to shove me back. Our cocks rubbed against one another once more. The dribble of pre-cum slipped out of mine. If he did it again, I wasn’t sure it would be considered pre.
He walked us over to the couch. In the silence, the memories of pizza night flooded back. What a dick I’d been. The realization hit me like a ton of bricks. The thing about Edward is I cared what he thought about me. I sought his approval and respect. Something I’d never worried about before, even with Deborah. This truth scared me. I decided now was not the time to tell him. He’d hold all the power if I divulged everything I’d mulled over the past few months.
“You don’t need to replace anything. The only thing I want from you is an explanation.”
“I think there is something worth exploring here.”
He cocked his head, and the emptiness behind his eyes from when he opened the door came to life in those beautiful soul-searching blues of his. “Is this a game to you? Me the boy from England—the enigma?”
He tried to pull his hand from mine. I refused to let go. If we lost the connection, I’d run and never come back. “No. It’s not a game.”
“Then what is this, Milo? I’ve been straight—”
I chuckled and interrupted, “Straight, huh?”
He shook his head at me, but the blush on his cheeks filtered into a bright glow; his internal fight against the smirk peeking through the tough facade turned us both into hyenas on his couch.
The laughter brought to a halt with a succession of loud thumps on his front door.
“Dear God, it can’t be Diedra at this hour.”
“The community lady?” He’d mentioned the name before, but I didn’t have a clue who Deidra was.
“Let me deal with her once and for all. I swear these people have nothing better to do than cause trouble.”
He opened the door to a woman in her fifties, or so I’d guess. Inside, a voice screamed to hide as someone could recognize me as Clay Wilcox’s son and run and tell him. Sweat formed on my brow as she shifted and peered past Edward’s shoulder at me.
In the moment, I’d torn his shirt, and he wore it now with the door wide open. I sat clearly in view on the couch, still willing my cock to relax. Fuck, nothing was ever easy in my life.
“Deidre. How lovely! What can I do for you so early in the morning?” Edward stood with his shoulders back, ripped shirt hanging off his shoulders, dick up in a salute, and an ‘I don’t give a damn attitude’ emanating from him. I’d never admired a person more than at this moment. This type of confidence and attitude drew me to him. It showed a person comfortable in their own shoes and willing to fight for themselves. A quality I desired to obtain but never had the fortitude to stand up for—at least never for myself. I leaned toward the fake-it-till-you-make-it style of branding for myself.
My father always led with violence in our house. My mother, strong as I thought she was until a few months ago, made it our plan to blend in and act as if everything shined bright as a rainbow and smelled like roses to all the outsiders. Watching Edward handle this woman, who clearly had a disdain for him and his lifestyle, brought me back.
What business did I have asking Edward to explore something for my sake, not his, in a place where being in love with a man was not for men but women? My father would never accept this, and I had no idea about my mother. Why I cared about his approval made my skin crawl. My mother, however. I loved her, and she loved me. She loved Seth like her own, but we’d never discussed Seth’s sexuality, and I knew nothing of her beliefs. I believed deep down I wasn’t attracted to men.
A lie perhaps as here I sat, wondering once more what the hell I was doing making out with Edward if I wasn’t gay?
“Oh, my God, that woman drives me bonkers.” Edward fell back into place on the couch, and, in all the oddness of my thoughts, my hand found his once more.
“She sounds peachy.”
“Peaches are lovely. She is not.” He shifted, and that same questioning poise settled us back to the conversation I had no idea how to have.
In typical avoidance, which I earned the crown to wear, I fed him a huge load of bullshit. “So, while we figure out what’s going on.” I gestured between us. “I say we keep it tight and close.”
His lips pursed together, and a long pregnant pause sat like a turd in the punchbowl at a party between us. “If I hear you correctly, you want the chance to discover more about me.” He tore the rest of his shirt off and sat in the same jeans he’d come home in. “And I’m supposed to keep up the pretence we are just friends, am I right?”
I swallowed hard, knowing my answer determined our next step. “I think for now that’s a good idea. I hate when people start out hot and heavy and then break up. The explanations are too hard and unnecessary for short term flings.”
He turned on the couch and slid away from me, but I held onto his hand. “I don’t mean we are some sort of fling. I—I—ugh.” I sighed and stopped while my words all piled up like a steaming mound of cow shit.
“If you wish to hold off telling people about us, not that there is an us, I’ll play along—for a little while. But Milo?”
“Yes?”
“You better not be leading me on. I don’t play games.”
The tight squeeze in my stomach relaxed a little, with Edward agreeing to my insane request. I’d never asked a girl to hide. I simply let them know we were fucking around, and there was nothing more than that. Edward deserved more respect than they did; it confused me as to why.
Not wanting anything more for now, and my cock settled down, I stood, took two steps, leaned over, and placed a chaste kiss on his lips. “I’ll be back at four-thirty to pick you up. Get some sleep. Seth wants to have a game night.”
He stayed on the couch while I saw myself out. I knew I taunted the devil inside me with this new hidden relationship igniting a sense of excitement. Something I couldn’t quite place my finger on as to what intrigued me about Edward. One thing I knew for sure, he wasn’t going to think about Logan, or Seth, or anyone else until I figured it all out.
Chapter Fourteen
Edward
Milo Garcia stepped back into my house and within minutes created a category 5 storm, whipping me off my feet, spinning me around, then dropping me flat on my arse. I didn’t know which end was up. But what I did know—I missed him already.
He left minutes ago, and despite the grotesque lapse in manners not saying goodbye to him at the door, my mind reeled from the change in the status of our friendship to now closeted sort-of relationship.
I focused on the torn shirt lying on the floor and sighed. Tom Ford’s clothes were a thing of beauty and not for tearing, no matter how frantic or sexually charged the moment.
Scooping it off the floor, there was no hope of rescue, and the dustbin called.
“Why are you faffing over a shirt?” I began to myself again.
Turn your back, Edward, or he will break your heart. The angel sitting on my shoulder offered a stark warning.
Go on, take a chance. The devil on the other egged me on. Think about his big meaty cock buried between your arse cheeks.
Despite my own reservations, I already knew whose voice I would listen to. But even in the throes of whatever it was I was feeling, doubt niggled at me. Was I happy about hiding any part of myself, of sneaking about, stealing
kisses when nobody was looking? Absolutely not, but what would be the point in forcing Milo to reveal anything; least of all because he had no idea about himself.
In my heart, I believed he was neither gay or bisexual, but his any hole was a goal attitude worried me, not because I objected to it morally, more so, I could be on the receiving end of it this time.
Guard your heart, Edward, my angel warned once more. It will end in tears.
I wanted to talk with Logan. He was always the voice of reason, but I’d basically promised to keep my mouth closed, so how could I betray Milo’s confidence and spill my guts to another guy; one that would crawl on his hands and knees for the opportunity to love me. But he wasn’t the one my heart desired.
Milo kissed me with such passion and intensity; his entire being responded. For that moment in time, we were kindred spirits—my needs matching his. I wondered what he was thinking right then? When he lay in bed at night what thoughts ran through his mind?
I was a stranger to self-doubt. I knew who I was and what I wanted, but what enticed me to Milo? Was I that pot of gold that sat at the end of the rainbow? Or was it the thrill of the chase that had him engaged?
In my wildest dreams, I never imagined Milo would reciprocate, whether it be my feelings or desires. He was the straight, macho boy from the wrong side of the tracks, not one to fall in love with. But with him all sense and reason flew out the window.
Would I live to tell the tale or rue the day I offered myself as a thing of interest? I yawned, exhausted, ready to sleep. Maybe I’d dream of him? For now, my bed called. He would return at four-thirty to pick me up for game night at Seth’s.
Misgivings about the arrangements nagged me, mainly due to the deception involved for all parties, but I was not one to cancel after an invite was made and accepted. My involvement with three other men, with not one shred of honesty attached, complicated matters for very different reasons.
Necessity to sort Milo and all involved had only one solution—a discussion with Logan about Seth with Milo. To my shame, I liked each and every one and could see advantages in being with each and every one, but thinking of Milo, he stood front and center as the one that rocked my world, the other two merely shook it up a little.
Shattered Beliefs Page 11