By the look on her face, it was clear she meant me. I could show up. I could audition. I could face the guys as a contestant looking for a job. I could start over. If I was brave enough. A conversation with my sister flashed through my tired brain.
What do I do now, Chelse?
You go after what you lost…even if you have to crawl through the mud to do it.
Since I felt like I’d been wallowing in mud ever since Anna left, crawling through it sounded easy.
I smiled at Kiera in appreciation, then gave her a small nod so she would know I understood what she was saying. “Thank you. Thank you for coming all the way down here to check on me and to tell me that. You don’t know how much I appreciate it.” Kindness and compassion of any sort was a rare commodity, something to be cherished. I understood that now.
As she looked me over, her expression turned sad. I must sound really pathetic, like a completely different person. I supposed I was. In a soft, compassionate voice, she said, “I’m sure you and Anna can fix this. She’s crazy about you.”
And I’m crazy about her. “I hope so,” I told her, looking away. Something occurred to me, and I returned my eyes to her. “Do the guys know you’re here? Telling me this?” Did they want me to audition?
Kiera shrugged. “Kellan knows. He’s the one who booked my ticket.” She winked, then she sighed. “I don’t think he’s telling the others though. He doesn’t want to put any pressure on you.”
I nodded. That was nice of him. Not surprising…Kellan was a good guy. “Thanks. Does…does Anna know you’re here?”
Kiera paused, then shook her head. “No. I didn’t tell her. She’s living on her own now, did you know that?” When I shook my head, she sighed. “Yeah, she got an apartment for her and the girls, and she got her old job back at Hooters. I told her she could stay with us for as long as she needed, but she wants to make it on her own. She’s stubborn like that.” She laughed.
I smiled. “Yeah…we have that in common.”
The waitress arrived with Kiera’s food, and she grinned as she looked down at her bacon and eggs. She was a couple of forkfuls into it before the waitress even left. Her appetite made me grin, even though it painfully reminded me of Anna’s pregnancy cravings.
“Hey, Kiera,” I said, swirling a spoon in my untouched coffee. When she looked up at me, I cringed. “Please don’t tell Anna about this.” I indicated my dirty, scrubby, beat-up look. Kiera seemed about to protest, but I cut her off. “I’m serious. I don’t want her worrying about me.”
Kiera thought about that for a minute, then nodded. To ease her mind, I added, “I’m gonna be fine, Kiera, no need to worry.” And for the first time in a long time, I actually believed that.
Chapter 23
What to Do?
When Kiera and I got back home, I offered her my bedroom for the night. With lips curled in distaste, she started to say no, but then she looked around my room with wide, disbelieving eyes. Almost instantly, they started to water, and it wasn’t long before she was wiping tears off her cheeks. I didn’t comment on it, but I was pretty sure I knew why she was starting to get so emotional. Being here kind of did that to me too.
Some time ago, I’d turned the room into a shrine of my family. I’d ransacked the house for every photo Mom had of Anna and the girls. She had quite a few, and now every wall was covered in four-by-six glossies of the moments in time Mom had captured. There were some of Anna and me before the kids, when we’d visited my parents while I’d been in L.A. recording the band’s very first album. That was the first time Anna and my parents had officially met, although they had already known about her, since I had talked about her all the damn time. Anna had been pregnant with Gibson in those photos, and there was such an aura of contentment around her that she almost glowed in every shot. Damn. My wife was so fucking beautiful.
There were pictures from the party my parents had had for us after we’d eloped. Gibson was a tiny little thing in those shots. Anna was in a fancy dress; she looked like a princess. A sultry, seductive, smoking-hot princess. There was one of Anna looking down at Gibson on her lap that choked me up every time I looked at it. I tried to avoid staring at that one for too long.
Pictures of the three of us from summer barbeques, both here and at my place in Seattle, dotted the wall, along with images from Christmas and Thanksgiving holidays, and the occasional birthday party. Then the visual timeline progressed to photos of Anna holding Gibson’s hand while she was pregnant with Onnika. If she glowed while being pregnant with Gibson, then she radiated while being pregnant with Onnie. There were photos of right after Onnika was born, when Anna was happy on life and feeling no pain. Then there were pictures of the baptism, moments I hadn’t really noticed while they were happening—Anna laughing with her sister, Dad twirling Gibson, and Mom cuddling Onnika. And then some breathtaking shots of the ceremony itself. I’d been so focused on other crap that I’d practically missed the entire thing. That was time I couldn’t get back, memories I couldn’t re-create. That fact really ticked me off. How could I have been so stupid?
Melancholy came over me as Kiera’s wide eyes took in my room. Aside from the massive assortment of photos, I’d tacked up every memento and keepsake I could find—Gibson’s favorite candy bar, a wrapper from a wine Anna loved, one of Onnika’s rattles…one of Anna’s bras. My room was one gigantic fucking scrapbook. I wasn’t sure if that was sweet, psychotic, or pathetic. Maybe it was a mixture of all three.
Like she was seeing a different side of me, Kiera looked my way and consented to staying in my room. Clearing my throat, I shrugged, nodded, and acted like everything she’d just seen in my room was no big deal. It was weird, but after Kiera closed the door, I wanted to take my offer back. I wanted my bedroom back. I’d grown used to being surrounded by my wife and kids every night. They were my support system, even when they weren’t anywhere near me, and even in this weird way, it was painful to be apart.
I grabbed a blanket and made my bed on the couch. Sleep was impossible. Too much crap was running around my head. Giving up on the rest I wasn’t getting, I found some paper in my mom’s desk and then lay back down.
The first words were easy. Dear Anna…The rest of the words were exceedingly hard. I’d never laid out my heart before, not even when I’d finally admitted to Anna that I loved her. Anna and I tended to gloss over sappy shit like that. But I couldn’t avoid it anymore. In her absence, all of my emotions were backing up, and the dam was going to burst soon. It was going to burst now.
Let me start off by telling you what I should have told you months ago. What I should have told you every morning when we woke up, and every night before we went to bed—I love you. I love you so fucking much…
The tears were streaming long before I finished the damn thing.
The next morning, I woke up extra early so I could give Kiera a ride to the airport. She was taking the earliest flight so she could get back to Ryder as soon as possible. She said she’d just take a cab, since I couldn’t drop her off and get to work on time, but that didn’t sit right with me. I felt like it was my duty to drive her back, to make sure she was safe and sound, since she’d gone above and beyond to check up on me.
Since I already woke up at the crack of dawn for work, waking up even earlier made me feel like I’d rewound time and it was still last night. Kiera was struggling with the early hour too, but she was more alert after I poured her some coffee. Decaf, since she was preggers. “I’m surprised you can function this early in the morning,” she mused.
With a smile, I told her, “I’m kind of used to it now…not that it doesn’t suck donkey balls, ’cause it definitely does.”
Kiera laughed, then yawned. “Yeah, it does.”
Feeling closer to her than I possibly ever had before, I again thanked her for coming out to see me. “It means a lot that you took the time to…check on me. Thank you for that.”
Smiling, she told me, “You’d do the same for Kellan.” Her grin turned
to a frown. “I think.”
Even though her words had a note of truth to them—I could be pretty self-absorbed at times—her expression made me laugh. Pursing her lips, Kiera quietly asked, “So…are you…? Are you going to show up at the auditions?”
As I stared at her, I thought about that. Was I? “I don’t know. I just…don’t know.”
Kiera nodded, but she looked sad. “Are you going to come back to Seattle at least? Work things out with Anna?”
I sighed. “I wish I could, but I’m up to my eyeballs here. I need this job.” She had no idea just how true that was. Like it or not, I was stuck.
Kiera opened her mouth, and I could tell she was thinking—your old job paid better—but then she closed her mouth and left the words unspoken. I wondered if she’d considered what I’d already considered. Showing up at the auditions didn’t mean I’d get to be a D-Bag again. It didn’t guarantee me anything. And besides, that was a couple weeks away, and I had bills to pay. I couldn’t go anywhere.
We drove to the airport in comfortable silence. When we got there, Kiera thanked me as she opened her door to get out. I stopped her when she was half in, half out of the car. “Wait…” Reaching into my jacket, I pulled out the note I’d written last night. Thinking I should tear it into a thousand tiny pieces, I handed it to her. “Will you give this to Anna for me? Please?”
I could see the curiosity in Kiera’s eyes, but the letter was sealed inside an envelope. She wouldn’t be able to read it until Anna did. Fuck. Did I want Anna to read it? Kiera nodded and took the letter from me, and that was when I realized that I did want Anna to read it. Sure, it was lame, sappy, and something that would typically make me gag…but I wanted Anna to know how I felt. How I really felt.
When Kiera closed the door with a small wave, my body was lighter, my head clearer. Maybe a letter wasn’t enough, but I finally felt like I was doing something productive, something positive, and something…unselfish.
I watched Kiera until she safely disappeared inside the airport, then I took off so I could get to work on time. Or almost on time.
My supervisor gave me a stern scolding about punctuality when I was late, telling me my time wasn’t my own, and I was basically stealing from the company. He’d said he’d fire me if I made a habit of it. Sanctimonious asshole. But all I could think of while he was yelling at me was Kiera’s news about the audition. I didn’t know what to do.
As much as I would love to take the time off work to try out for a gig I’d already had once, I knew in my heart I couldn’t. I couldn’t take yet another financial risk that might cost me everything, and I wasn’t lying when I told Kiera I needed this job. If I lost it and the contest didn’t pan out like I hoped—a distinct possibility given the outcome was determined by viewers—then I would be completely screwed; there would be no hope left for me. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t risk leaving this job to audition for the band.
Realizing that made me moodier than usual during my shift. God, my life sucked. I could barely remember back to when I’d thought I couldn’t lose, and I’d gambled with everything in my possession, even my marriage. And now I was being offered another chance, a real one this time, and I couldn’t afford to take it. I was damn near catatonic with depression when I shuffled off to lunch.
I studied my coworkers while I scraped the bottom of my pudding cup. Watching and listening to them was like being given a glimpse into my future, and from all I could tell, it wasn’t going to be good. Most of the guys here were struggling to make ends meet. A lot of them were drinking away their problems every night and on their second or third marriage. I loathed the idea of that being my future.
But could I take another risk? Assuming the guys invited me on the show…and that was a big assumption since most of them didn’t like me at the moment…the winner was voted on by the fans. They did hate me. They hated the way I left, they hated what I did to the guys, and…I didn’t blame them. I was a selfish asshole who hadn’t appreciated a single fucking thing I’d had. I didn’t deserve to be in the band again. I didn’t deserve to be with Anna again. I wasn’t good enough for anything I’d once had…
Kiera’s words wouldn’t leave me alone though. They’re miserable without you…They do care…
Pushing away the rest of the lunch I couldn’t eat, I closed my eyes and tried to think what Anna would want me to do. Where would I end up if I stayed at this job? I instantly knew the answer to that. I’d wind up with the same miseries I saw around me on a daily basis. I’d lose Anna, I’d lose the girls…I’d lose my family, and probably my mind.
Mentally, I shifted my focus to the other path in this crossroads before me. Where would I end up if I auditioned? Like I was waking from being numb, just the thought made tiny pinpricks of hope start to tingle my nerves. I could end up a D-Bag again, if fate was with me. But what if it wasn’t? What if I quit my job and lost the contest? How would I pay off my debts and support my girls? Then again, without Anna and the girls with me…what was the point of any of this? I’d rather scrape by with pennies in my pockets, or even beg for cash on the street corner, than spend the rest of my life without them. If I lost, I could start over. Somehow. But if I by some miracle I won…
Opening my eyes, I suddenly knew exactly what I had to do. My future was with Anna, and with the D-Bags, with my family…if they’d have me.
Feeling the burn of hope in my chest starting to expand outward, I smiled. It was painful, but I welcomed the ache. Okay, Kiera. I’ll go to the audition.
Trying to be smart for once, I didn’t completely quit my job. Instead, I put in a conditional notice. If I made it through the auditions and onto the show, then my job would be lost, but if I didn’t make it that far, I would have something to fall back on. It made me a little proud of myself that I’d thought out a plan before rashly jumping off the cliff. See, Anna, I’m learning.
I was still scared though. If I made it on the show and lost, I’d have to completely start over. My job gave new meaning to the word “suck,” but it paid well, and I knew I’d never make that kind of money right off the bat again. I’d have to work three times as hard just to barely scrape by. But no, I couldn’t think that way. I needed to be positive…like I used to be. I could own this contest. I mean, it was my position I was fighting for; I’d been preparing for this my entire adult life.
When I got home that night, there was an unusual spring in my step. I now saw a small light at the end of my very dark tunnel. It was just a pinpoint at the moment, but it was there, and I was going to hold on to it for as long as I could.
Mom noticed it instantly, and Dad seemed to spot it as soon as Mom pointed it out. “You’re more chipper than usual. Something up? Did you talk to Anna?”
My enthusiasm died a little as Mom mentioned my wife’s name. Had Kiera given her the note? Would she read it? Or would she just throw it away, throw us away? Would she be moved if she did read it, or was she already set on us going our separate ways? I wouldn’t know until I talked to her, and maybe it was chickenshit of me, but I didn’t want to talk to her just yet. I wanted to cling to this tiny thread of possibility that I’d been given.
“No…I quit my job.”
Dad dropped the newspaper he’d been reading. Mom dropped her cigarette. Almost. She caught it at the last minute and stuck it back in her mouth. She sadly shook her head while Dad sighed. “Griffin, I had to pull a lot of strings to get you that job. Your resume isn’t really…well, it’s not the best for that industry.”
I nodded. “I know, but it isn’t what I want.”
Both parents seemed confused. Sitting down at the kitchen table, I explained. “The D-Bags are having auditions to replace me.”
Dad put a hand on my shoulder and patted me a couple times. “Sorry to hear that, son.”
I brushed off his concern. “No, they’re having open auditions…so I’m going to audition.”
Mom still looked confused. “You’re going to audition for your band…to be y
our replacement?”
My smile was wider than it had been in a really long time. I felt like flakes of rust were cracking off me and drifting to the floor, exposing a shiny surface underneath. “Yes. I’m going to audition for my old spot and work my ass off until I have it.” I hoped.
Mom gave me a half smile, like she supported me, even though she didn’t fully understand the situation. Dad frowned. “Okay…well, why did you have to quit? Couldn’t you do both? Didn’t you like it there?”
I could tell from the look on his face that he was hoping I’d stay at his old job. Maybe he wanted just one son to follow in his footsteps, and he’d been hoping that would be me. I felt bad for crushing that desire, but this was my dream, and I had to go for it.
“No, I can’t, Dad. The D-Bags are a full-time commitment, and they’re what I want. Everything I’d once had…is everything I want.” Why couldn’t I have realized that sooner? Before I’d lost it all. Because I hadn’t seen what I’d had until I lost it all. The steak in the water had looked so much bigger than the one in my mouth, but it hadn’t been real.
God, I hoped Kiera gave Anna that letter…
“What’s going on?”
I turned around to see Liam entering the kitchen. He dropped by a lot for dinner. Dad said it was because he hated cooking, but I think he just didn’t like to eat alone. Liam didn’t have the widest circle of friends.
Dad sighed as he indicated me. “Your brother quit the job I worked so hard to get him.”
Liam didn’t seem surprised to hear that. I gave Dad a withering look, before facing my brother again. “I’m auditioning for the D-Bags contest to replace me. If I get on the show, then I’ll quit my job.” I gave my dad a so-there smile.
Liam got really quiet, then he muttered, “Oh…”
His voice was so odd, I turned back to look at him. He had an expression that was both miffed and horrified. “What?” I cautiously asked.
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