The auditorium was so silent, I could hear myself breathing; it was much heavier than it usually was. I felt like I’d just run a fifty-meter dash, and I was waiting on the judge to tell me if I’d won or not. By the impassive looks around me, I couldn’t tell. It could still go either way.
Kellan was the first one to break the silence. “I’m a yes. He should move on.”
The crowd cheered in agreement as Kellan’s eyes moved over to Matt and Evan. One down. Matt’s lips were pressed into a firm line. Of all the guys, I’d hurt him the most when I’d left, both physically and emotionally. I’d taken a gigantic dump on our familial bond; he wasn’t going to forgive me anytime soon.
With Matt not speaking yet, Evan piped in. “I’m a yes too,” he said with a nod toward me. Two down. The crowd screamed again, and then all eyes shifted to the last judge. Getting in had to be a unanimous decision, and I silently begged Matt to give me a chance. I even hung my head while I waited. You have all the power here. I know that, and I accept it. Just don’t say no…I’ve got nothing left.
Like he could hear me, Matt simply said, “Yes.” When the shrieking from the other contestants died down, he added, “You’re in, Griffin…but just so you know, it’s not going to be easy.”
Feeling like my face was going to split apart from smiling so hard, I nodded. “I don’t want it to be easy.” I wanted to prove to them, to the world…and to myself…that I belonged here.
Liam went on after me. I was nervous as hell watching him with my family; it was even worse than when I’d been up there. People in the stands were watching me more than Liam. I ignored them and focused all my attention on him. Hopefully if I didn’t engage them they’d watch him too. And he deserved to have their attention. He was killing it!
When his song was over, I shot to my feet, whistling and shouting at the top of my lungs. All three judges approved Liam going to the next level, and I almost fell into the people in front of me I was jumping around so much. Matt walked onto the stage to give his cousin a quick hug of congratulations, and the crowd cheered at the display. Liam looked like he was going to cry. Fucking pansy. I couldn’t have been happier for him.
When he joined us in the audience, I picked him up in a bear hug. And even though he was my oldest sibling, I gave him a noogie like he was my kid brother. After everyone in our group had auditioned, our lot was escorted out so the next set could come in. Mom and Dad wanted to take Liam and me out to celebrate, but there was something I needed to do first. Well, there were several things I needed to do, but there was one thing in particular that couldn’t wait.
“You guys go ahead. I need to talk to the band.”
Liam looked around the lobby flooded with people who’d just finished auditioning or were waiting for their turn. Now that I wasn’t wearing my disguise, people were starting to notice me. I was getting stares, whispers, and curious expressions. Is that who we think it is? “Even if you were a part of the band once, bro, they’re not going to let you talk to them. You’re just a schlub now, like us.”
Shaking my head, I told him, “I have to try. I need to clear the air before the chaos starts.”
Nodding, he patted my shoulder. “I hope they let you in then.”
When it was clear there were no more groups left, I started to get nervous. What if the guys were whisked away by security, slipped out the back so nobody could bother them now that their job for the day was done. It was strange to not be a part of that. Looking at their fame from the other side made them seem larger than life, unapproachable. They weren’t though. They were my friends. Or were, once upon a time.
Hoping they were still there, I snuck back into the auditorium. Luckily, they were. All three guys were clustered around the judging table, discussing the auditions. Matt was saying, “I knew we’d find talent in L.A.” I hoped he meant me.
Just as I started to approach them, a hand clamped onto my shoulder. “Auditions are over, you need to leave now.”
I looked up at the massive bulk blocking my path and was about to tell him who I was, when I realized he already knew. “Sam? Damn, it’s good to see you.” Giving him a slug in the shoulder, I wondered if he felt the same.
He cracked a small smile. “Griffin…it’s been a while.”
Taking that small gesture as a positive, I started moving around him. “I need to talk to the guys before they leave.”
He moved to block my path. “Auditions are over. The band isn’t seeing anyone right now.”
My expression was incredulous. “Dude…it’s me.”
Sam shrugged. “I have my orders. No one is to bother the band once auditions are over, and I hate to have to tell you this, Griff, ’cause I do like you, but…you’re not part of the band anymore. I’m sorry, but you need to leave.”
He started pushing me back toward the doors. Unbelievable. I’d known this guy since he was a glorified bouncer at Pete’s. But I guess I couldn’t fault him for wanting to keep his job. Maybe if I’d been equally diligent, I’d still have mine. I wasn’t about to give up that easily though. “Kellan!” I shouted.
Kellan turned my way after hearing my voice. A wide smile stretched across his lips as he waved me over. “Let him through, Sam. It’s okay.”
I adjusted my clothes once Sam moved aside to let me pass. “See,” I told him. He merely shrugged, and I knew he’d do it again if he thought it was what the guys wanted.
As I trudged past him, I noticed Matt slap Kellan’s shoulder in a gesture of Why did you invite him down here? Kellan ignored him and kept his eyes on me. When I was close enough, he lifted his hand in greeting. “Griff, it’s good to see you. I’m glad you came down.” By the twist of his lips, I knew what he really meant was, I’m glad you listened to my wife.
Slightly uncomfortable now that I was directly in front of them, I scratched my head. “Yeah…well…I couldn’t let this opportunity go by without trying, you know?”
Matt’s face darkened. “Opportunity? Do you have any idea how shitty the last year has been? Do you even care?”
Swallowing, I debated how honest I should be. Then I realized the only thing I had left was honesty. “No, I really didn’t know how hard it had been on you guys…and no, I really didn’t care. All I cared about was getting what I thought I deserved…and I ended up pushing everyone who meant a damn away from me. I was a selfish, self-centered, self-absorbed, diva, asshole, creep, moron…and I’m so sorry.”
The guys were all staring at me in shock. I usually never admitted when I was being an idiot. Typically, I wrapped my I’m awesome mantra around me like armor. And I knew why…admitting I was flawed fucking sucked. I’d rather be doing just about anything other than telling the guys what I was telling them, but that would only get me stuck in the same dark pit I’d been stuck in for the last few weeks. No, I’d be stuck in an even worse pit, since I’d just kissed my job goodbye by moving forward in the competition. I had nothing to fall back on.
Matt regained his composure before the other two. “Do you think you’ll go farther if you butter us up?” he asked, his expression suspicious.
Shaking my head, I told him, “No. I don’t expect anything from any of you, I just…I fucked up, and I wanted to apologize for it…even if it is too late to change anything.”
I turned, prepared to walk away, but Kellan put a hand on my shoulder. “I accept your apology,” he stated. “Good luck in the show.”
“Thanks,” I said, then I gave him a brief one-armed hug. I’d known that Kellan was the least angry of the three, but I felt a little better after hearing him accept me.
Evan sighed, then extended his hand. “What you did gave new meaning to the word ‘jackass’…but I forgive you too. Good luck, man.”
I shook his hand, feeling even better. Matt was glaring at me, so I figured I wouldn’t get very far with him. I’d been expecting that though, so I just nodded, to let him know I understood why he couldn’t say the words.
I was halfway up the aisle leading
out of the auditorium when I heard him curse and say my name. “Wait.”
Pausing, I watched in surprise as he jogged over to me. When he was in front of me, he shoved his hands in his front pockets and stared at me for a second. “Look, I can’t forgive what you did like the others, but…I’m sorry for how I treated you.”
My jaw dropped. The last thing I’d expected from him was an apology. He twisted his lips as he took in my expression. “I’ll admit, I was a dick when you left. I was just…mad, and hurt. I felt betrayed. The way you left…you may not have needed us, but we needed you, Griffin. You screwed us, big-time, and you didn’t even care. And that fucking hurt.”
Nodding, I studied my feet. “I know, and I’m sorry.” Looking back up, I told him, “I was wrong, about so many things. I do need you guys. Even if I’m not in the band anymore…I need you guys. You’re my family…all of you.”
Matt silently stared at me for a moment, then clapped my shoulder. “Good luck in the show, Griffin.”
My smile was huge as I nodded. “Thanks.” He started to turn away to rejoin the guys, and I grabbed his elbow. Matt bristled a little, and I released him. We were slowly mending things, but we weren’t entirely on good terms yet. “Have you seen Anna? Is she…is she doing okay?”
Matt opened his mouth, then closed it and looked over at Kellan. With a frown, he returned his eyes to me. “You should call her,” was all he said. I had no idea what that might mean, and a spike of fear went up my spine.
“Yeah, okay…thanks.”
He clapped my shoulder, then trotted off. I left the theater in a daze, Matt’s words ringing through my brain. You should call her. And once I got back to my shrine of a bedroom, that was exactly what I did.
Well, that was what I did after I stared at my phone for forty minutes while family members banged on my door wanting to congratulate me. The entire house was in party mode, with loud music, lots of chatter, and enough food to choke a horse. There was so much noise that even with my door closed, I could barely hear myself think. It wasn’t exactly the ideal situation to try to reconnect with my wife, but if I waited for the perfect moment, it might not ever happen.
Knowing I just needed to be a man and do it, I dialed her number. Anna had been sporadic on answering her cell phone when I’d called her in the past, but this time, if she didn’t, I would leave a message. From here on out, I would always leave a message. She was the girl of my dreams, and I wasn’t going to give her up without a fight.
Surprising me, she picked up on the third ring. “Hello?” she sniffled, like she’d been crying. Fuck. Was that because of me?
“Hey…it’s me…Griffin.”
A small laugh escaped her. “I know it’s you. I know your number.”
Duh. Right. “I was just calling to see if you were okay. I saw Matt today and he said…” Not knowing where to go with that, my voice trailed off.
Anna was silent for a few seconds, then said, “You saw Matt? Where?”
Smiling, I told her everything about the auditions, from Kiera coming down to tell me about them, to the disguise Liam had cooked up, to how nervous I’d been. “I was sure the guys were gonna say no…but they moved me to the next round. I think I’ve got a good shot to get on the show…to get my job back.”
She let out a small sigh. “That’s great, Griffin. I’m really happy for you.”
A distance seemed to stand between us as her end of the line went silent. “Anna…I can’t do this without you. Even if you’re in Seattle, and I’m down here, I need your help, your support. You’re my best friend…I need you.”
She sniffled again. “You’re my best friend too, Griffin. I think that’s what makes this so hard…”
I didn’t want to know what she meant by “this.” Separation…or divorce? Instead of asking her to clarify, I asked, “Did you get my letter?”
There was a long pause, then she quietly said, “Yes…You love me? Just straight-up love me?”
I smiled, remembering back to her complaining that I never told her those words. God, what a stubborn idiot I was. “Yes, I love you. I think I’ve always loved you, even when it freaked me out to love you.”
She laughed. “Yeah.” After another pause, she said, “Okay, Griffin. I’ll be your support, I’ll be your friend. But that doesn’t mean we’re suddenly fine. You hurt me. You…betrayed me. That’s not something I can just get over. Understand?”
“Yeah…I understand.” You need time. I’ll give you all the time you need, because all I really need is you.
Chapter 25
A Chance
The next two weeks were brutal, and I called Anna so frequently, she started answering the phone with “Just breathe. You’re doing great, you’ll get through this. One step at a time.” It helped, but only until the next panic attack set in. The show was culling the herd. Massive cuts were happening left and right as the hundreds from across the country who had been allowed to the final round in L.A. were whittled down to the twenty who would make it to the televised broadcast. Those lucky twenty were the ones the fans would vote on to be the next…well, me. And every day I wasn’t sure if I was going to be moving forward or going home.
I’d never experienced anxiety at this level before, and I worried that I’d break under the strain. I think this process was a hundred times harder than the actual gig. That fact fortified me. If I could just make it through this, the next step would be easy. Or easier, at any rate. None of this was easy.
The stress was getting to Liam too, and every night when we met back up in our hotel room, he was a bundle of nerves. “They’re gonna cut me, I just know it. I’m not good enough for this, they’re gonna cut me.”
I ended up using Anna’s words on my brother each night. “Just breathe. You’re doing great, you’ll get through this. We both will.” Like me, he was calmed by those words. For a time.
My brain was fried though, and my spirit was right behind it. On the evening before the final day and the final round of cuts, I felt like I was teetering on delirium. “I think I overestimated my abilities, Anna. I think I do that a lot…”
She let out a dismissive sound. “I wouldn’t have married you if you overestimated your abilities. You’re as good as you think you are, Griffin, you just have to believe it.”
That made me smile, and for a second, I felt just as awesome as she said I was. But then I remembered the distance between us, and my self-assurance cracked again. “I know everything isn’t cool between us, but I’m really glad we can talk like this. I think it’s the most we’ve ever talked.” Our relationship before hadn’t been only physical, but that had been a pretty large chunk of it. Being apart right now but still connected like this was actually bringing us closer. In my mind anyway. I hoped she felt the same, and I told her as much. “Even though you’re up there with the girls, I feel even more connected to you. You know?”
Anna laughed, and the sound relaxed me more than her words had. “Yeah, I know. I think the distance is actually helping us right now. And you’re able to focus on you while I focus on me. I think it’s a good thing.”
“Yeah. I’m horny as hell though,” I said, grabbing my junk and giving it a good squeeze.
A throaty sound escaped Anna. It instantly took me back to my happy place—buried deep inside her with her arms and legs wrapped around me. “Me too, babe…me too.”
Needing to get my mind off how much I wanted to kiss her all over, how soft her skin was and how good she tasted, I said, “We only ever seem to talk about my shit. Tell me what you’ve been up to. I want to know every little detail.”
“Really? You do?” She seemed genuinely surprised that I wanted to hear about her life. Was I that self-absorbed that it was shocking for me to care about anybody else? With a ripple of shame, I realized I was…I don’t think I’d ever asked her about her day before.
Sitting back in my chair, I made myself comfortable. “Yes, I want to know everything about you. And then I want to hear everything abou
t the girls. And if I interrupt to start talking about myself, I want you to tell me to shut the hell up so you can finish.”
Anna was silent for a moment, then she said, “All right. Well, when I first got here, I lived with Kiera and Kellan, but, they live soooooooo far from town, I couldn’t take it.” Her assessment made me laugh; I often felt the same way about Kellan’s house. With a giggle, she continued. “So I left their place and got an apartment for me and the girls near work…Oh, I got my old job back at Hooters. Actually, I got a better job. I’m the assistant manager.”
Pride swelled in me. “That’s amazing, babe. Tell me more.”
And she did. For the rest of the night, she told me all about her life without me, but instead of it making me sad or mad, like I thought it might, I was thrilled. I felt like I knew my wife better, like I was getting a sneak peek into her hopes and dreams. Dreams she’d put on hold to be a mother and a rock star’s wife. Hearing her talk just reminded me how much I loved her, and I ended the phone call with a sentiment I never would have used before.
“Have a good day tomorrow, Anna. And remember…I love you.”
When she spoke, her voice trembled. “I love you too.”
There was a pit of dread in my stomach when I woke up the next morning. Pushing it aside, I texted my wife. Thank you for last night. It was amazing. It was weird to be texting something like that when we hadn’t done anything even remotely sexual, but it was true. We’d screwed each other in every conceivable way, but I’d never felt closer to her than listening to her talk last night. Her voice was still playing through my mind. And I knew that made me sound like a fucking whipped pansy, but I didn’t care. I was in love with my best friend, and once this show was over with, win or lose, I was going up north to be with her. Nothing else mattered.
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