I had to admit, though, seeing Maria also made me remember a few bad things. Times I was so depressed I refused to get out of bed or even turn away from the wall. When she’d sit so patiently at the edge of my mattress, trying to talk to me. And I wouldn’t answer. Or when I didn’t eat for a whole week ’cause I thought all food was poisoned. Or when Maria had to turn my journal over to my therapist ’cause it listed all the ways I could hurt myself. Or reading the letter from my mom, over and over, day and night, until it fell apart in my hands and became dust on the rug by my bed. And how I started wailing on this guy Marcus ’cause he was vacuuming our bedroom as part of his chores. And the police came.
Seeing Maria reminded me of something else, too.
Devon.
Back when we were still best friends.
When he was the only resident in the whole house I talked to.
I looked up, and the waitress was still standing there and Mr. Red was saying: “This is a celebration, Maria. Somebody has to get a drink.”
The waitress had her pad out, pencil ready.
Maria shrugged, said: “Apparently I’m not having iced tea.” She glanced at the menu. “How about a margarita.”
“Rocks or blended?”
“Rocks. No salt.”
The waitress wrote it down and moved to the next table, where a young Mexican couple was sitting across from their daughter’s high chair.
Maria reached across the table for my arm. “It’s so great to see you again, Kidd.”
“You, too, Maria.”
It was the third time we’d said this to each other.
“How long’s it been?” Mr. Red said.
“Let’s see,” Maria said. “My last day was January fifteenth of last year, and we’re in August.”
“A year and a half,” I said.
Maria smiled. “The worst thing about getting laid off was losing touch with my guys.”
“What’s it like working in a foster house?” Olivia said, reaching up a hand to cover her mark. For the first time since I met Olivia she wasn’t wearing her ski cap. And you could tell how self-conscious she was.
“Well, Horizons isn’t an ordinary foster house,” Maria said, looking at me. “I was a Counselor II, which meant I stayed on three and a half days a week. But we also had some amazing therapists who came in every day to work one-on-one with you guys, right Kidd?”
“Yeah,” I said, picking up my fork and looking at the prongs.
Maria must’ve realized I didn’t like talking about Horizons in front of Olivia ’cause she said: “Anyway, enough about me. How’s the summer been, out here by the beach? You guys are living the life.”
“The waves were giant today,” Olivia said.
“Lemme guess,” Maria said. “Red was out there showing off.”
Olivia smiled and looked at Mr. Red.
“Cardiff doesn’t get too many days like today,” he said. “You gotta take advantage.”
The waitress came and set down our drinks and took our food orders. When she left, Mr. Red held up his Coke and waited for everybody else to do the same.
“To Ben,” he said.
Maria winked at Mr. Red and clinked his glass. The rest of us clinked glasses, too.
“Who’s Ben?” Olivia said as me and her sipped our Cokes.
“Red’s son,” Maria said.
Mr. Red smiled. “Would’ve turned eighteen today. His knucklehead buddies probably would’ve taken him to a donkey show in TJ. Something stupid like that.” He laughed a little. “I’d have been up all night worried.”
Olivia looked shocked.
“How come you never talk about him?” I asked Mr. Red.
“Nobody asks.” He smiled at me, then looked at the label on his Coke.
It was quiet for a few seconds. I wanted to ask what happened to Ben, but I decided it would be rude.
Maria broke the silence by complimenting Olivia on her green sundress, and Olivia said where she got it from. As the two of them went on about clothes and shopping I tried to picture Mr. Red with a son. I thought how he’d probably have been working at the campsites this summer instead of me, which made me feel guilty.
And if I was never here, in Cardiff, Devon never would’ve come here, either, which meant he never would’ve seen Olivia.
I peeked across the table at her holding her Coke, talking about the UTC Mall. I watched her mouth move and looked at her perfect face. When we met up before dinner I asked how come she didn’t have her hat. She shrugged and said it was because we were going to dinner. And she didn’t want to be rude in front of my friends.
Which seemed like a big deal.
She sipped her Coke and then looked up at me and smiled.
I smiled back.
And right that second I made myself a promise.
No matter what happened. To me or Devon or both of us. I would always protect Olivia.
I would never let somebody hurt her.
“So?” Mr. Red said to Maria.
“What?”
“How is it?”
“The margarita? I’ve had better.”
Mr. Red turned to Olivia. “You know, I took Maria here on our first date. She ordered the carne asada fajitas, right, Maria? They came out sizzling and steaming and everybody watched the waitress set them down at our table.”
“Ahh, isn’t that sweet,” Maria said, rolling her eyes. “He remembers. Of course Red does take all his first dates here.”
“Not everyone gets the fajitas,” he said.
They both laughed a little and right then the waitress and a busboy came with our food. They set down the plates and as soon as they left we started eating and having different conversations. We talked about my job this summer with Mr. Red, and Maria said how impressed she was that Horizons let me out of my contract, which is what they give every Horizons kid for their therapy meetings. Mr. Red gave me a look and stayed quiet and I didn’t say anything, either. Maria told everybody how grown-up I looked, and how handsome, which made me feel self-conscious, especially ’cause Olivia was staring at me with this big smile.
Olivia talked about her sister choosing to spend the summer across the country at a college called Brown doing an internship and how her sister’s academic success made her feel tons of pressure.
Mr. Red talked about how he used to put his son on his surfboard, back when he’d just started walking. How he’d paddle the two of them around on days when the ocean was flat, so his boy would feel comfortable in the water.
Maria told us about her new job as a high school counselor in National City, and how challenging it was, and how little support she got from the principal.
When we were done eating the waitress came back and cleared our plates and then left to get our check.
Mr. Red reached across the table and grabbed Maria’s half-finished margarita and put the glass under his nose and smelled it.
Maria made a face. “Red?”
“Maria?”
“Is that the best idea?”
Mr. Red held up the margarita glass and studied it. He looked at Maria.
“What’s going on?” Olivia said. She obviously didn’t know Mr. Red used to be an alcoholic.
Maria smiled and said: “Oh, nothing. Red’s just trying to steal my drink.”
Mr. Red winked at her. “Eighteen, Maria. That’s a big one.”
“I know it is,” Maria said. “But it doesn’t give you the right to steal my drink.”
Mr. Red smelled the margarita one more time and then pushed it back across the table, in front of Maria.
She looked relieved.
The waitress came by with the check. Mr. Red grabbed it and put down his credit card without even looking to see how much it was.
After dinner we all stood by Maria’s car, saying bye. She hugged Olivia and told Mr. Red she’d see him in a couple days for the grunion run. Then she asked if she could have a minute with just me. They said of course and started toward Mr. Red’s Bronco.
Her eyes were a little teary, and I knew she was remembering Horizons and all the things that happened between us.
“Are you okay?” I said.
“Of course,” she said, wiping both eyes with the back of her hand. “I’m just so happy for you.”
I smiled, not knowing what to say back.
She rubbed my arm. “You’ve come a long, long way.”
“Thanks,” I told her, but I knew she thought I’d come farther than I actually had, which made me feel like I was lying to her.
She pulled a tissue from her bag, dabbed at the corners of her eyes, one eye at a time. “We had a tough stretch a couple years ago, didn’t we?”
I nodded and looked at her Converse.
My mind automatically flashed through even more memories I’d hidden from myself. The night watch pinning me down on the cold bathroom tile ’cause I wouldn’t stop banging my forehead against the shower wall. Blood all over everything. Maria holding my hand as the doctor pushed a needle in my arm. The morning I threw all my clothes and furniture out the window and Maria found me naked and asleep in a neighbor’s backyard.
I could feel her staring, so I looked up at her and tried to think about nothing.
“Mr. Red’s taught me a lot,” I told her. “Like plumbing and how to build a fence. He’s even helping me get a job at the zoo next summer.”
“I know,” she said. “We’ve been talking on the phone.”
“You have?”
She nodded. “Red’s constantly bringing you up. Kidd this, Kidd that. He adores you.”
“He does?”
“Claims you’re the hardest worker he’s ever met.”
She dabbed her eyes again and shook her head. “I’m just so amazed Horizons agreed to let you work here for the summer. Do you understand how much that says about your progress?”
I smiled on the outside.
Inside, though, it felt like I was gonna be sick.
“And this wonderful girl you’ve met,” Maria went on. “She’s beautiful. I always dreamed you’d get to a place like this.”
The more nice things Maria said, the worse I felt. My stomach full of poison. My legs going numb. My chest not letting my lungs breathe deep enough.
’Cause none of it, not one single thing she was saying, was true.
It was all lies.
Things I made up.
And what would Maria say about me once she learned I was lying this whole time?
My heart was beating way too fast. Like I was gonna have a heart attack. “Maria?” I barely whispered.
“Yes?”
I looked at her for a few seconds.
Trying to breathe.
Trying to think.
“What’s wrong, Kidd?”
I shook my head. “I’m so scared.”
Her face got a surprised look and she said: “You’re scared? Why, honey? You’re doing so great.”
A lump went in my throat, and I told her: “I’m gonna mess it all up. I already know it. It doesn’t even matter how much I try.”
She took my arm, said: “Kidd—”
“Something’s wrong with me,” I said, thinking about Devon’s throat slash and me going in the current and the mark on Olivia’s face. “I know I’m gonna mess up. And then what’s gonna happen?”
She grabbed both my wrists and pulled my hands away from my face. She looked deep in my eyes and said: “Kidd, it’s okay. I promise. We all feel like that sometimes. I know I do.”
“You do?”
“Yes! God, yes. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed I can hardly move. You remember how devastated I was when I found out I was losing my job.”
I nodded.
“But I bet you didn’t know I cried the whole drive home. Or that I didn’t answer my phone for four days.”
My throat lump got even bigger.
I felt awful Maria was trying to help me and it wasn’t even her job anymore.
“I was depressed,” she said. “I didn’t think I’d ever find a job I liked again. But you know what?”
“What?”
“The world was gonna keep on spinning no matter how long I lay in bed.” She put her hands on my cheeks. “And I did find another job, Kidd. Eventually.”
She took her hands off my cheeks and we just looked at each other.
“I think that’s a key word to remember,” she said. “ ‘Eventually.’ ”
A car came into the parking lot and went in the spot next to us. We both watched the lady get out and close her door and hurry toward the restaurant.
I kept looking that way, even after she was inside. It helped me start breathing regular. But I still knew I was lying to Maria. About how I was in Cardiff. None of it was true. I was the same.
“The fact is,” she said, “you probably will mess up at some point, right? The trick is to regroup. Learn from your mistakes. Trust you’ll get past it. Eventually.”
“Okay,” I said.
And I thought if that was a lie, too.
Maria smiled at me. “Maybe that’s what it means to be human.”
I nodded and told her okay again. And I remembered all the talks me and Maria used to have at Horizons, and how she was the only one who could make me feel even a little better.
“Now, come here,” she said.
I moved into her waiting arms and we hugged and she said: “I’m proud of you, Kidd.”
“Could you please not say that, Maria.”
“I know,” she said. “You never liked praise, did you?”
I shook my head.
“Okay. I’ll keep it to myself.”
The lump started leaving my throat.
We separated and she looked at me, said: “You okay, Kidd?”
I nodded.
“You sure?”
I nodded again, cleared my throat. “Could you not tell Mr. Red, though?”
“About what?” she said. “You and I were just talking. It’s nobody’s business but ours.”
“Thanks, Maria.”
My heart was slowing its beating.
She opened her car door and put one foot inside and looked back at me. “I’m gonna see you in a couple days, okay? For that fish thing Red gets so excited about.”
“The grunion,” I said.
“Yeah, that. I’ll probably be a little late. It’s my sister’s birthday. But I promise I’ll be there. Eventually.”
She winked at me and smiled ’cause she said her word again. Then we both waved and I watched her get the rest of the way in her car and close her door and pull out of the Los Olas parking lot while I wiped my face on my shirt.
Soon as we got back to the campsites I left Olivia and Mr. Red and went searching for Devon. My talk with Maria made me think I needed to find him as soon as possible.
I hurried down the stairs to the beach, looked along the shore all the way up to where the college kids used to hang out, near Olivia’s lifeguard tower.
I went across the street from the campsites, to the train tracks. I went to the park, the grocery store, the gas station, under the freeway bridge.
But Devon wasn’t at any of his regular places.
I stood in front of the gas station trying to think if there was another place to look. His throat slash kept playing in my mind, over and over. And Maria’s words about being human. And my lies to her. And Olivia’s face without her hat. I knew I could make everything better if I just found Devon.
On my walk back to the campsites I decided to ask Mr. Red for help. Even if I had to tell him everything about Devon’s threats. Maybe we could go looking in his Bronco.
As I was cutting through the campsites I passed Olivia and Jasmine and Blue, who were talking outside Campsite Coffee even though it was closed.
My whole mind was on Devon, so I hoped I could just slip by without anybody noticing. But Olivia stood up and said: “Kidd.”
I stopped.
She was wearing her ski cap again.
I looked around for Devon as she walked toward me, even though I knew he wouldn’t be here.
“Thanks for inviting me to dinner,” she said. “I totally loved your friend Maria.”
“She thinks you’re beautiful,” I said.
“Really?” Olivia looked back at her girls. “That’s so sweet. What’s Red waiting for? They seem so great together.”
“I know.”
“O, we going?” Blue called from the front of the shop.
“Hang on,” Olivia called back.
She turned to me. “We’re about to walk the beach, but I wanted to talk to you about something.”
The bad stomach feeling I had with Maria came right back. “What is it?” I said.
“I don’t know,” she said, looking at the ground.
My heart started going fast again.
My legs felt heavy.
“I keep thinking about this stalker guy you told me about. You were looking for him on the beach today, weren’t you?”
“Not really,” I said.
She looked back at her girls. “Maybe we should wait to talk until I get back.” She glanced at her watch. “Can we meet at your tent in like an hour?”
I nodded. Her watch said it was almost ten.
She didn’t hug me or wave before she went back. I tried to think if it was ’cause she knew I was looking down the beach for Devon, or ’cause Blue and Jasmine were behind us.
Me and Mr. Red’s Talk
When I got to Mr. Red’s tent I found Peanut sitting by the railroad tie waiting for me, which seemed weird.
I tapped on Mr. Red’s tent door.
No answer.
Peanut stood up and barked.
“What’s going on?” I told him.
He started walking away, looking over his shoulder like he wanted me to follow.
We ended up at Mr. Red’s favorite place to check out waves. I ducked under the bushes after Peanut, and there was Mr. Red, sitting alone in one of his chairs, holding a glass up to his lips.
He saw me and Peanut and stayed frozen like that for a few seconds, just staring.
Then he tilted his glass and drank.
I looked at the bottle in his other hand and instantly knew it was alcohol.
I Will Save You Page 19