by Skye Winters
I glanced at Rowan as regret boiled within my chest. "I don't know."
"Well I do." Surrena's shoulders slumped forward. Her gaze distant. "She's forgotten. She can't compete with the rest of the pack or their needs. Every moment you end up stealing for her is interrupted by pack life. This is considerably worse for a bond that isn't respected as you feel the need to hide it—to keep the pack strong."
"Is that what my mother did to you?" I could already see she was talking more about herself than Rowan. "What happened?" I asked when she didn't reply. "Please. If there's anything I can do to change how things are—"
She was shaking her head before I could finish. "Without rewriting your history, no. This sense of duty you feel is ingrained in your mind from the day you're born. I understand this, and I realize your bonded will as well, but that doesn't make it any less painful."
I wanted to ask other questions. Ones that made me feel uncomfortable and unwilling to know the answers. But I could also see Surrena's thoughts had started to drift. Make sure you ask the right ones.
"If it pains her," I began, resting my head on Rowan's, "then why does she stick around? There's plenty of room within the boundary—"
"I'll answer your question with one of my own. If she did pull away, would you go looking for her?"
I tested the words on my tongue, but nothing I came up with was the truth.
"Be honest with yourself. Your bond to her is as strong as she feels for you. Your ability to survive out here is severely limited without my help. If things between your mother and I were different—if I'd been a wolf—I never would've left the boundary. Death itself, giving up on my bond in such a selfish way, would've pained me more than keeping to the shadows instead of standing at her side. There are many degrees of pain and challenges that are just as gut wrenching. The decision you have to make now is how much you can take before the pain is too much to bear."
"And how did you decide to leave the boundary when you did?"
"Easy. I had no place within the pack. I wasn't bred into that life, so my sense of duty to the other wolves was a non-issue."
"But what about your bond?"
"Just as painful now as the day I left. But as I said before, every moment your mother and I had was interrupted by the pack. Mostly your father. Once he caught on to the way your mother looked at me, someone was always in the room with us. Eventually it got so bad your father kept guards at her door and sent me to another part of the house. He only allowed me to stay because, at the time, I was an asset. I was able to heal some of the wolves. I entertained them with illusions. However, once he wedged a wall between your mother and myself, there wasn't much I could do. I was drowning. I couldn't breathe. But I feared my leaving her would bring even more harm to the pack."
"Which is why you gave my father the gun."
She nodded. "Yes. If he wouldn't allow me to protect her, then I had no other choice but to leave. I had no place in your pack. The other wolves sneered at me, and some went as far as to biting my heels whenever I helped them hunt."
"How come I don't remember this?"
"You were far too young. I left before you turned four, and I'm sure both your parents weaved stories of their own to make my existence less enticing."
"And now that my father's gone?" Tears welled up in my eyes, but I fought them back.
"It wasn't a fate I ever wanted you or your family to face. I'm truly sorry. You must know that. Even now, I have reservations of my own when it comes to going back."
"But at the human settlement, you asked if you could—"
"I know, and I'd still very much like to see your mother. I only wish to give your pack the chance they deserve. As terrible as some of the wolves may have been toward me, I'm certain they were following orders or just giving me a hard time because they didn't approve of what I'd helped your mother become."
"And what did she become?"
"Softer. More compassionate. Your mother has always been a free spirit, but some of what I told her about human life made her long to have the same for herself. For her children. The freedom to walk outside pack lines and leave the rules behind. She'd seen what was on the other side of the veil through my stories, and that was something we could never undo. Your father believed I corrupted her. And soon, the pack followed." She met my gaze as she wrung her hands in her lap. "You have to understand, for your pack, anything that's different is supposed to be met with extreme caution. Your mother did the opposite. She wanted to know more, so much more. Things not even I could tell her as I didn't have the answers. Any other wolf would've left me for dead when they found me on the edge of your territory."
"But my mother took you in."
"Yes. She told me she did it to bring me back to health. She'd seen the end of my attack. I suppose part of her reason for helping me was because she'd regret not stepping in, even if it was outside the boundary. Perhaps she saw in me what she'd seen many times within the pack—a struggle and willingness to survive."
"You make it sound like she's welcoming all humans within our territory."
"Your father thought as much, but your mother was still very anxious when it came to humans wandering too close."
"Which is why you brought them to the edge of the veil to show them there was no reason to hunt there."
"Yes. And though I never saw your mother patrolling after I left, I did sense a few wolves watching me. I'd hoped word got back to your mother, but even if those wolves kept quiet, I still felt I was doing my part to thank the woman who'd saved my life so many years ago."
I held Rowan close. "There's no breaking our bond, is there?"
"Not even close. The more you struggle against it, the stronger its grip becomes. Would you deny your love for her to protect the rest of your pack?"
The possibility of saying yes, of lying about my bond, was too painful. "No. No I wouldn't."
"Even if you take your place as alpha?"
How can I? "I don't think that's possible anymore."
"Then why do you keep fighting with yourself? Take the pack out of consideration for the moment. What's holding you back?"
"Fear."
"Of what?"
"Losing her. You can't lose what you don't have."
Surrena scoffed. "Problem is, you already have her. Any amount of loss you experience now will be painful." Then she asked something that forced the tightness in my chest to grow. "Do you love her?"
"Of course I do."
"Have you told her that?"
"I..." Had I told her? I wasn't sure. We'd been together for so long — "She must know. I must've said it at some point."
"Knowing and hearing the words come from your lips are two different things. Always tell her you love her. When she leaves on a hunt, tell her. When you wake up, tell her. You never want to face the regret I've been carrying all these years. There's no telling when you'll see her last, so always tell her. Make sure she knows and that you're sincere. If you remain silent, if you forget that one time, you may regret it the rest of your life."
Rowan whimpered in my arms as her eyes moved under their lids. She wet her lips. Opened and closed her mouth. Then she blindly searched for my hand until I offered it to her.
"I'll leave you two alone," Surrena said in a low whisper. "Looks like the worst of this may be over."
Her smile was genuine and horribly contagious as I squeezed Rowan's hand. The moment Surrena left, I leaned in and kissed Rowan on the lips.
"I love you. If I've ever forgotten to say it—"
"Shh," Rowan said, her voice shaking the slightest bit.
I leaned into her caress as she touched my face. "I thought I lost you."
"Eager to get rid of me already?" Her voice was weak, but her sheepish grin brought tears to my eyes. God, I'd missed her smile.
"Not quite. I'm afraid you're stuck with me," I said.
"Shame."
I laughed and craned my neck to meet her gaze as she opened her eyes. "What? How come?"
>
"I have many suitors, you know." She gingerly touched her leg where the bruise from the wolf attack had been. "How does it look?"
I lifted the fur, but for the most part, the ugliness of her wound had gone from a deep purple to yellow. "Not too bad. I'm sure you'll have most of it healed by the time you shift into a wolf again."
"No battle scars to brag about?"
"Sorry. Looks like you'll be in one piece once we're with the pack."
She nuzzled into me. "What happened to your face?"
"We butted heads while you were out."
"God, I'm sorry." Worry lines creased along her forehead.
"It'll heal. I'll take a banged up face any day so long as it helps you get better."
She glanced around the room which had shifted from Surrena's illusion to the true colors underneath. "Where did she go? And what the hell did I eat?"
"She went to get us some real food and, you don't want to know."
"A remedy?"
"Yup. Seems to be working, too. Sorry it had to taste so bad."
She shrugged and ran her tongue over her teeth. "It isn't terrible, just... weird."
"You say that now, but you should've seen yourself when you were drinking it fresh."
"I honestly don't remember—"
"It's probably a good thing you don't, otherwise you'd probably kill me."
"Mmm, I'm not done with you yet." She pressed a hand to the back of my head and drew me in for a kiss, parting my lips with her tongue as she did.
The flavor of Surrena's remedy was only a little off-putting, but soon, all I tasted was Rowan. She arced her back away from the mattress and her soft moans vibrated against my lips.
My breath caught as she took one of my hands and guided it down under the fur. I wanted nothing more than to do as she asked, but she still needed to heal.
I broke our kiss and reluctantly drew my hand from under the cover. "You know I would—"
"But it isn't safe." She nodded even though I could tell the realization hurt. "It's just—it's been so long."
"I know, baby. Trust me, I know." I pressed her forehead to mine and caressed her cheek. "I'm not rejecting you. If we were in the boundary... if you were completely healed..."
"It's okay, you don't have to explain."
"But I do. Even if you understand, even if you're convinced, all I want right now is to do the exact opposite of holding back. I'm just afraid to let my guard down. Out here."
"Then don't." She kissed me again, harder this time.
And my shields fell.
Chapter Eight
The thick haze of slumber lifted away as something hit the floor. Someone cursed. And it was then I realized Rowan was no longer in my arms.
I forced my eyes open, squinting at the bit of light filtering in through the window. Rowan crouched beside the bed, fully clothed, as she searched beneath the mattress for something I couldn't see.
"Can I help you?" I asked, rolling onto my side.
She offered me a weak smile. "Something rolled under the bed."
"I can see that." I sat up and swung my legs over the side of the mattress, stretching until the fur fell away from my breasts and into my lap. "What are you looking for, exactly?"
She averted her gaze, but I couldn't mistake the pink on her cheeks. "One of Surrena's tinctures, I think."
I smirked, grabbed my shirt off a nearby table and put it on. "Where is Surrena anyway?"
Rowan canted her head to one side and blew a stray strand of hair from her face. "Probably off trying to make more of that horrible concoction you had me drink."
"Horrible? You didn't even know about it when you first woke up."
"Doesn't mean I want to relive the experience. Besides, I'm fine." She drew a clean bottle from under the bed and leaned to one side before catching herself with her free hand. "Mostly."
I wrapped my arm around Rowan and helped her to her feet. "You haven't eaten since you got here. Your sugar's low."
"It's been longer than that, actually." She exhaled, placed the empty vial on the table and settled onto the old mattress.
I studied the few items Rowan had placed in a pile close to the door. "Were you scavenging?"
She held her head in her hands. "Only a little." When Rowan looked at me again, her eyes were cloudy. "How have you survived out here this long? I've checked around the area before, and there's nothing."
"I had you," I said, smiling. "You brought me whatever I needed." And now it's my turn to do the same for you. "How long has Surrena been gone?" Did she ever come back last night?
Rowan shrugged. "Your guess is as good as mine. She was gone when I woke up about an hour ago."
I searched the room again, but any food Surrena may have found last night was missing. "She hasn't been back yet."
Aside from a few odds and ends, including a handful of empty vials, there were few signs the huntress had ever arrived. Her bow, quiver and arrows were gone. Her illusion around the cabin had fallen the night before, and likely hadn't returned since.
Something heavy lowered into the pit of my stomach as I turned for the door. "I don't think we should wait much longer."
"What about Surrena?" Rowan asked.
"The huntress can watch after herself, but if we don't get you some food soon, the Wolfsbane will be the least of our worries." When I faced Rowan again, she was standing beside the bed, one hand on the frame for support. "How far do you think you can walk?"
She stepped away from the bed, and while she was a little uneasy on her feet, she seemed more than capable of travel, if only for a short while. "As far as you need me to."
I gave the cabin a final glance and stepped outside. Blinding sunlight left me disoriented, but after a moment, it passed. Wherever the huntress had gone, she'd left no signs for us to follow. The more time we spend here, the worse off the pack will get.
Surrena had already said as much before Rowan arrived. Once we had a way back into the boundary, we were supposed to leave. However, Rowan's run through the Wolfsbane threw us off course for the better part of a day.
But she's good now. A bit wobbly on her feet, but otherwise okay.
"You sure you're up for this?" I asked, scanning the tree line for signs of life. A small bird flitted from a branch and took off in the opposite direction. "We can wait until nightfall, if you like."
"I'd rather do this while I have the energy," Rowan said.
I nodded and turned to the west, toward the human settlement. "Maybe we can find something to eat on our way back."
Rowan stopped and pulled on my arm. "The boundary is north of here."
"I know. I just wanted to check over this bluff to see if—"
"This way."
It was Surrena's voice. Lighter than I was used to, but it definitely belonged to the huntress.
"I found a way in that won't get us noticed," she continued, coming over to join us.
My mouth watered at the pair of quail she happened to be carrying in her hands. "And how far did you have to go to get those?"
She grinned. "The same path we're about to take around Devlin's crew."
Rowan and I exchanged glances, then followed Surrena as she turned on her heels.
"Here," she said, tossing the birds over her shoulder. "Sorry they aren't cooked."
Rowan and I both caught one and worked on removing the feathers.
"We'll stop for a meal once we're up the trail," Surrena said as she moved east.
"What trail?" I searched the trees, but like before, I couldn't see a definitive path anywhere. "There's just trees."
"You aren't looking hard enough." Was she laughing?
I looked again, but no, if she was working an illusion, it wasn't one Rowan or I could see.
"How long has it been since she slept?" Rowan asked, keeping her voice low.
I shook my head. "I honestly have no idea."
Surrena paused once we reached the tree line, lifted a handful of branches and moved to the side. An
d there, beyond the trees, was a dirt trail leading behind the fields, beside the woods and up the mountains surrounding nearly half the boundary.
"No way you just happened to find this now," I said as I studied the rising cliff face.
"I suppose not." Surrena flashed us a toothy grin. "How did you expect me to keep an eye on your pack all these years?"
Rowan looked between Surrena and myself. "So you were snooping."
"Snooping sounds too harsh. I was mostly—"
"Snooping," Rowan and I said.
"Call it what you will. For now, it's our way in. Take it or leave it."
"How long ago did you stop... watching us?" Oh God. Did she see Rowan and I when we stripped by the falls? No. I shook my head. Surrena would've said something when we first met. She would've known about Rowan.
Or she could've been lying.
"If you're worried about your love life being private, don't be," Surrena said, trudging up the hill before ducking behind a rock wall. "I left most of the territory long before either of you matured. Otherwise, I would've known about this Devlin, don't you think?"
I exhaled, but her words of reassurance didn't make me feel any better. We were slowly weaving between a cliff under our feet and one continuing above. "Why did you leave your post?"
"Your pack wasn't facing the challenges we expected at the time. I also didn't want to risk a wolf sniffing me out as some of your pack was spending more time below the cliffs than I had liked."
"Couldn't you use an illusion to move them away?" Rowan asked.
"My abilities were severely limited at the time. Besides, any change in the landscape would've brought more attention to myself. It was best for me to leave my surroundings as they were." Surrena crouched beside what appeared to be the remnants of a fire, and by the looks of it, the owner hadn't been gone very long. She removed her quiver and bow, then whispered a handful of words into the air until the fire burned anew. "We'll camp here until nightfall. Regain your energy and get some rest. Once we leave this post, we won't stop again until we're north of your territory."