by Jae
"What did you think?"
Instead of an answer, Amy asked, "And you? You've had more time to think about it."
"Tess and Frankie are my friends." Nora emphasized every word. "Nothing I learn about them could change that."
"Not even... you know?"
"I still respect and love them just as much." Nora wanted her daughters to love Tess and Frankie too — or, at the very least, to respect them and their love for each other. "Did you know Tess was the first person to ever hold you?"
"Tess? Not a midwife or Papa?"
"Your father couldn't be there when you were born. He was the first to hold Nattie, but it was Tess who helped when I gave birth to you. She held my hand and didn't leave my side for the whole eighteen hours." How young, scared, and naïve she'd been back then. She owed Tess her life and that of her children. "Tess is my best friend, and she was a wonderful aunt to you when you were little. That didn't change just because I know she is in love with Frankie."
Amy said nothing. Her gaze wandered over the hills and to the mountains in the distance.
"What are you thinking?" Nora directed her mare closer to Ruby.
"I don't know what to think." Amy's low voice was almost drowned out by the call of an eagle overhead. When she shook her head, her hat flew backward until the rawhide string caught it. "They shouldn't have kissed. If anyone but Rika and me had seen them..."
"You're right. They made a mistake. But the mistake is not loving or kissing each other. It's not being more careful."
Amy's expression didn't soften. Her brows drew together like thunderclouds gathering.
"Why are you so angry with them?" Nora had expected surprise and confusion, but where was Amy's anger coming from?
"If someone had seen them, people might think..."
"What?"
"That we're all..." A muscle in Amy's face jumped. "That I am... like them."
Nattie hadn't seemed worried about that, so it caught Nora by surprise. "Sweetie, Tess and Frankie's love doesn't have anything to do with you."
Amy's gaze drifted up to follow the circling eagle.
A touch of Nora's heel directed Pirate closer to Amy's horse, and Nora reached over to touch Amy's shoulder. "This is new for you, but as much as people would like to pretend it's not true, there have always been women who love other women. Most of them were good, hardworking people. You might not be aware of it, but the widows Sutherland and Mills..."
Amy's flinch told her that she remembered.
Oh, no. She heard the townsfolk talk. Has she lived all these years with the rumors and hateful comments about women who love each other, with no one to tell her otherwise? Nora's insides trembled. Her hand tightened around the reins until she realized she was making her mare nervous. She forced herself to relax. "Amy, listen. I know people said a lot of ugly things, but they aren't true."
"They are true." Amy's voice was a whisper. "They weren't just two widows living together."
"Yes, that part is true. But the rest of what you might have heard people say was just hatred and fear talking."
"Fear?"
Nora nodded. "People are afraid of things they don't know and don't understand. Instead of thinking for themselves, they allowed Reverend Rhodes and a few other townspeople to make up their minds for them. Suddenly, they started saying how 'unnatural' the two women have always been and how they would burn in hell. They conveniently forgot that it was Mrs. Sutherland and Mrs. Mills who took so many of them in when the big flood swept away their homes."
"They did that?" Amy had been too young to remember that part of the town's history.
"Yes. They were good people." Nora had met the two widows only a few times, never suspecting that another female couple lived in Baker Prairie. The two women were hiding as much as Nora and Luke did, just in another way. When Mrs. Sutherland's brother had found them in bed together, he beat them and ran them out of town with the help of Baker Prairie's god-fearing people. "If your father and I had learned about what had happened in time to prevent it, we never would have let them chase the two of them out of town. That wasn't right."
Confusion furrowed Amy's brow. "But having relations with another woman... isn't that a sin?"
"There are people who think so. But I don't." Nora tried a small smile. "I'm sure your father will agree that loving a woman is wonderful."
"But Papa is a man, and I'm —" Amy stopped. Her gloved hand flew to her mouth. She clicked her tongue and urged Ruby up a hill, away from Nora.
Nora stared after her. "Amy? What...?" Her breath hitched as a sudden realization slammed into her. Blood roared in her ears to the frantic beat of her heart. She pressed her calves against Pirate's side and loped after Amy. "Amy, wait! Talk to me."
Amy didn't. She raced up the hill as if the devil was after her.
And maybe she thinks he is. Oh my God, has she been hiding this all these years? "Amy, stop!" She used her most authoritarian voice.
Amy threw a glance over her shoulder and slowed her mare.
Bits of grass, thrown up by Ruby's hooves, rained down on Nora as she closed the distance between the two horses.
Ruby slid to a stop. Amy's chest heaved as she stared at Nora.
"Amy," Nora whispered. "Please tell me the truth. Are you...? Do you have feelings for women?"
Instead of an answer, Amy hung her head.
Oh, Lord, how can that be? What are the chances of that happening to one of our daughters? Nora's thoughts raced. What if we caused this? Did we influence her in any way, like Bernice always thought?
"Mama..."
The silent plea in Amy's voice clutched at Nora's heart. Her daughter had suffered in silence for so long, and Nora hadn't noticed. Frantically, she searched for the best words to ease that pain, to let Amy know it was all right.
A pinpoint of pain shot through Nora. She realized she had bitten her lip. Never before had she wanted to reveal the true nature of her relationship with Luke, but now she wanted Amy to know that love between two women was possible and beautiful. But how could she, after all those years, reveal Luke's secret without breaking apart Amy's world?
Her temples pounded in rhythm with her frantic heartbeat. She didn't want to reveal Luke's secret, but neither did she want Amy to live with the burden of self-loathing. "Amy... Let's dismount for a moment. We need to talk."
* * *
Amy's heart galloped against her ribs. Mama knows. Oh, God, she knows. What do I do now? She looked around, expecting to see Mama as panicked as she felt.
Mama wasn't crying or yelling at her, but worry lines were etched around her eyes.
Every instinct in Amy's body told her to press her heels to Ruby's flanks and flee. But her mama's gaze pinned her in place. She ducked her head, slid from the saddle, and landed on unsteady legs.
"Look at me, sweetie." Mama dropped to the ground next to her. A gentle touch to her chin forced Amy to lift her head.
Amy stared off to the side, afraid to look into Mama's eyes and see the disappointment there.
"Amy? Look at me."
Slowly, Amy fixed her gaze on Mama. Her stomach lurched when she saw tears brimming in her mother's eyes.
"Is it true?" Mama asked.
The lump lodged in her throat prevented Amy from answering. When she licked her lips, salt burned her tongue. Finally, her shoulders slumped and she just nodded.
A tear spilled over and rolled down Mama's cheek. It pooled in the corner of her mouth.
Those tears hurt more than Amy's own. "Mama." Her voice trembled. "Mama, please don't cry." She never wanted to make her parents sad. "Don't cry. I promise I'll do my best to get over these improper feelings."
Trembling, she searched for a glimpse of hope in Mama's eyes.
"No, Amy. That's not what I want you to do." Mama slipped off her gloves and dried Amy's face with her bare hands. She cradled it between warm palms. "I'm not crying because you hurt me. I'm hurting for you. I know you won't have it easy in life, but these feel
ings are a part of you. They won't just go away."
How could Mama be so sure? "Maybe they will."
"Yes, maybe," Mama said. "You're still young. When I was young, I had no idea about love. I thought I had, but I didn't really know what I needed in my life to make me happy. I only found out when I met Luke."
"Maybe I'll meet a man like Papa too." Even Amy felt that the words were empty, without emotion or belief. Every day she spent with Rika, every night they shared her room and bed proved that her feelings toward women — toward Rika — weren't going away. If anything, they were getting stronger.
"Maybe," Mama said again. "But if the person you meet ends up being a woman, I want you to know I won't love you any less."
Amy stared. Mama had always understood her and supported her, no matter what, but never in a million years had Amy thought Mama would accept her unnatural feelings for women. But she does. The light of love and acceptance burned brightly in Mama's eyes.
"Come here." Mama engulfed her in a tight embrace.
A trembling sigh escaped Amy, and she bent her head to rest it against Mama's shoulder. She breathed in the comforting scent — apples and cinnamon, as if she had just taken a pie for Papa out of the oven. "Oh, Mama."
"It's all right." Mama turned her head and kissed Amy's cheek, then pulled back to look into her eyes. "Promise me one thing."
"Anything." Whatever it was, Amy knew she would do anything to make sure Mama would never look at her with disappointment.
"Promise me you'll try not to think less of yourself for following your heart instead of what other people think is right."
The ball of tension that had knotted Amy's stomach for years dissolved into tears. She hastily wiped her eyes "I'll try," she said, voice rough with tears and emotions.
"Good." Mama's smile was full of concern, but Amy saw none of the despair she expected.
She's at peace with this, Amy realized. It was almost as if Mama had suspected all along and had come to terms with it. The thought made Amy blanch. Did she know about my infatuation with Hannah? Does she know about Rika? She struggled to form words. "How did you know?"
"Know?"
"Have you known about... me for a while or —"
"Oh, no, sweetie." The ribbon of her bonnet came loose when Mama shook her head. "I would have talked to you much sooner had I known. I would never let you suffer in silence." Tears shone in Mama's eyes. "I didn't know, Amy, but I understand how you feel."
"How could you understand?" Mama was so in love with Papa, even after all those years, that it was sometimes almost embarrassing to watch.
Mama retied her bonnet. Her hands trembled, but her gaze was steady. "I've come to think that the love Tess and Frankie share isn't all that different from the love between Bernice and Jacob or Hannah and Josh."
"Not different?" That couldn't be true. Amy had felt different all her life.
"Well, maybe it is different, but it's not less worthy or less true."
The conviction in Mama's voice soothed Amy's fears. Her biggest fear remained, though. "What will Papa think?"
A wistful smile crept onto Mama's face. "He'll worry."
Amy sniffled.
"Hey." Mama tipped up her chin. "Your father will worry because he loves you, not because he thinks there's anything wrong with you. It'll just take some getting used to. Maybe we should have seen this coming, but we didn't. Except for Hannah, you never even had any close female friends."
Amy lowered her head. "I tried to stay away, tried to ignore it, but..." Staying away from Rika proved impossible. Then she remembered her promise and lifted her head. Mama didn't want her to feel bad about herself, but that was easier said than done.
"Oh, dear Lord!" Mama slapped her forehead and covered her eyes with one hand. She peeked through her fingers. "And I made you share a bed with Hendrika! I'm so sorry. Was that terribly awkward for you?"
Mama's sheepish expression made Amy smile. "It's all right."
"As soon as we get home, I'll ask her to change rooms with Nattie and —"
"No," Amy said, a bit too quickly. "I mean... she's my friend, and we managed just fine so far." Soon, Phin would be home, and he would take away Rika forever. She wasn't ready to give up Rika's company.
Mama seemed to ponder that for a moment. "All right. It's getting late, and I should get started on supper. Should we head back, or do you want some time to yourself, sweetie?"
She knows me so well. Grateful, Amy nodded. "I need some time." She felt vulnerable, as if all her defenses were stripped away and everyone looking could see into her heart, her very soul. She couldn't imagine sitting down to supper with her family, Rika, and the ranch hands. Not while she felt like this. "I'll ride down to the river and let Ruby graze for a while."
"Don't stay out as long this time. It's all right if you don't want to talk right now. Just please don't shut us out."
Amy nodded, overwhelmed with emotions — hers and Mama's.
The scent of apples engulfed her when Mama pulled her into a quick embrace. "Be careful," she whispered into Amy's ear. "I love you."
The inside of Amy's nose burned. She sniffled. "I love you too, Mama."
Still trembling, she climbed into the saddle. For once, she didn't start with a walk, then a jog or a lope to warm up Ruby's muscles. One squeeze of her legs and Ruby sprang into a gallop. They raced down the hill as if trying to outrun her chaotic thoughts.
Molalla River, Oregon
June 22, 1868
DANCER'S HOOVES pounded over the bridge across the Molalla River. Luke's heart thudded along with the fast beat. Home, home, home, her heart sang with every step. She let her gaze slide over the hills and trees of her land.
In front of them, a horse lifted its nose from the grass and whinnied a greeting.
Luke lifted herself up in her stirrups to catch a glimpse of the rider, who had dismounted.
A familiar hat dangled down the rider's back, and the setting sun made her hair gleam like copper.
"Amy!"
At her shout, Amy whirled around. "Papa!"
The rope between Dancer and Angel, the Percheron mare, tightened as Luke urged her gelding into an all-out gallop. As soon as Dancer slid to a stop, Luke swung out of the saddle.
For once, Amy had no glance for the new horse. She rushed over and fell into Luke's arms. Her body trembled against Luke.
Luke tightened her embrace. "Hey. Everything all right?"
Amy nodded, her face buried in Luke's shoulder.
Something's not right. Luke sensed it. Something had happened while she was gone. "What happened?" She combed her fingers through Amy's hair. It had soothed Amy as a child — and it soothed Luke too. She let herself imagine that she could protect her daughter from whatever had upset her. Finally, she moved back a few inches and slid her worried gaze over Amy. "You're not hurt, are you?"
Amy shook her head.
What, then? Normally, Amy would pepper her with questions about the trip and fawn over the new horse. Something was wrong. Very wrong. Fear trembled deep inside of her. "Is your mother all right? And Nattie?"
"Yes, yes, they are all right. Everything's fine." Amy rubbed gloved hands over her cheeks.
Luke stared. Has she been crying?
"I'm sorry," Amy said. "I didn't want to upset you. I'm just so glad you're home."
"And Johanna?" Phin asked from behind Luke. "She all right too?"
"Johanna?" Amy's red-rimmed eyes focused on him.
"My betrothed. She's still at the ranch, ain't she? You didn't scare her off?"
Instead of answering Phin's teasing with a grin, Amy's lips formed a tight line. "Rika's still there."
"Rika?"
"Hendrika," Amy said. "She goes by her middle name."
Luke shook her head. She didn't want to talk about Phin's bride. She wanted to know what had put that desperate expression into Amy's eyes. "Come on. Let's go home." Maybe Nora knew what was going on with their daughter.
* * *
"What the hell happened?" Luke reined in Dancer and stared down at the blackened earth where her horse barn had once stood.
"It's not that bad," Amy said, face still pale. "No one got hurt, and we have a new barn already. See?"
The door to the main house banged open.
Luke let out a breath. Nora. She knew it before she swung down from the saddle and looked across the ranch yard. With the horse between them, she drank in the sight of Nora.