by Jae
Luke rubbed a spot above her heart. "I'm sorry. I don't want Amy to go through that."
"She won't have to go through it alone," Frankie said. She patted Luke's shoulder in a comradely way. "I wish I had parents like you and Nora."
"But I can't help Amy much since she thinks I'm a man." Luke clamped both hands around the hammer. "How can I tell her she doesn't have to hate a part of herself when I'm hiding that part of myself from her?"
Frankie's friendly pat softened and became a comforting caress to her shoulder. For the first time in Luke's life, another woman was touching her as if she was just one of her female friends. It felt strange, but Luke appreciated it anyway.
"You're doing the best you can under the circumstances," Frankie said.
Luke put her hand on Mouse's back as if to steady herself. "But it's not enough." She kicked at the old horseshoe lying on the ground. "I need to do more to help Amy."
"More? What more can you do?"
The words seemed stuck in her throat, and Luke forced them out. "We think it's time to be honest with my girls about who I am."
Frankie pushed back her hat and stared at Luke. "That's huge, Luke. Are you sure?"
"I'll do whatever it takes to help my daughter accept herself. What kind of parent would I be if I let Amy suffer and kept my secret for my own selfish reasons? Compared to you and Tess, who live your lives as openly as possible, I feel like a coward sometimes."
"A coward? You?" Frankie shook her head. "If you were a coward, you would have left Nora behind in Independence when you first met her. Only you can decide what to do, but please know that Tess and I will be there to support you in any way we can."
Luke stared into warm brown eyes. While Frankie still confused her, she had a feeling that Frankie understood her as few other people did. Maybe they could be friends. "You know, I want to say thank you, but I'm not sure if I should shake your hand or kiss it."
"Lucky for you," Frankie said and grinned broadly, "I have two hands, so you could do both."
Their laughter chased away part of Luke's tension.
In companionable silence, they finished shoeing Mouse.
* * *
Dusk settled over the ranch like a blanket. Rika let her gaze sweep over the hills in the distance, then the familiar contours of the ranch buildings until her gaze landed on the old oak next to the main house.
A swing dangled from one of the thick branches, and Rika imagined little Amy flying higher and higher, shouting at her papa to push her faster. But right now, the swing swayed gently back and forth.
Nora sat on it, not holding on to the ropes. She leaned back against Luke, who stood behind her, his arms wrapped around her, swaying with her. Every once in a while, he bent to press a kiss to the top of her head. Their lips were moving, and Rika imagined them whispering words of love to each other.
The creaking of the door made Rika wrench away her gaze.
Amy stepped onto the veranda. She stopped when she noticed Rika. "You waiting for Phin? He's still in the office with Nattie." She pointed over her shoulder.
"They're spending a lot of time with each other," Rika said. While Phineas collected her for a short stroll every night after supper, he spent hours with Nattie every day.
"Just discussing the breeding program. You don't need to be jealous."
"I'm not." It was the truth. While she worried about her future and about Phineas keeping his promise to marry her, her heartbeat didn't pick up at all when she thought about Phineas with another woman.
Amy nodded and leaned against the veranda post next to Rika. She smiled as she watched her parents. "They look like a courting couple, don't they?"
"They're still in love with each other," Rika said, her voice barely louder than a whisper. All her life, she had thought love wasn't real, just something naïve fools dreamed about. But there was no denying the love between Amy's parents. It radiated off them like heat from a cast-iron stove on a cold winter night. Watching them together made her long for love too, and she knew she wouldn't have it with Phineas.
Quit wishing for what you can't have. You've never done it before, so why start now?
She cursed the Hamiltons for making her aware of love. It was as if she had suddenly become aware of a lack, a hole inside of her after having thought herself complete all her life.
"Sometimes I wonder what makes some people fall in love with the right person while others are never lucky enough to have that," Amy mumbled, staring straight ahead at her parents.
The misery in Amy's expression hit Rika like a punch to the ribs, robbing her of breath. "I'm sure you'll be one of the lucky ones one day too." She wanted that for Amy more than she wished it for herself.
Amy turned her head and met Rika's gaze.
For long moments, Rika looked into eyes that appeared like mossy forest lakes in the falling darkness.
Then Amy averted her gaze. "I don't think it's possible for me."
"Why shouldn't it be?" Surely there was at least one man who could appreciate Amy's gentle strength and her passion for the land and its animals?
Amy didn't answer.
* * *
Luke pressed a kiss to the skin of Nora's neck and let herself be comforted by Nora's warmth and their gentle swaying.
Humming, Nora leaned back and rested her head against Luke's chest.
Over Nora's head, Luke watched the two young women on the veranda. In the falling darkness, she couldn't make out their expressions, but their bodies were pointing toward each other even while they stared off into the night.
"You all right?" Nora asked. Her voice vibrated through Luke, soothing her like a favorite lullaby.
"Did you ever think Amy might feel more than friendship for Hendrika?"
Nora craned her neck to look at Luke. "A bit of an infatuation, maybe. Amy's a passionate young woman, after all, and she hasn't been around women her age much. Nothing to worry about, right?"
"That's what I thought too, but I watched them together and Frankie saw them too and now I'm not so sure." She glanced toward the veranda again. Amy and Hendrika looked at each other, keeping eye contact for an intense moment. Was this really just random infatuation that could have been directed at any woman who came along?
"You think it could be love?" Nora asked. "Amy is so inexperienced when it comes to love..."
"Just as inexperienced as I was when I met you." Luke settled her hand on the curve of Nora's hip.
"If you are right, Amy will be heartbroken once Hendrika marries Phin," Nora said. "Do you think Hendrika might have feelings for Amy too?"
Luke paused their swaying for a moment to think before she answered. "I'm not sure, but I think there could be something there. Something that could grow into love, like it did for us. But nothing will ever come of it. Amy is so afraid. She'll never tell Hendrika how she feels."
"Would you want her to?" Nora asked. "Hendrika is Phin's betrothed after all."
Luke clutched Nora tighter to her body. "I don't know. It's all a mess, and I don't want to see Phin hurt either. But I can't help thinking that maybe Amy needs to take the kind of risk that I did, or she'll forever regret it. What if Hendrika turns out to be her Nora, and she lets her go?"
Nora freed herself from Luke's embrace and turned. She clutched the ropes and leaned across the swing. Her lips found Luke's, and for the length of one passionate kiss, Luke forgot their conversation.
Then Nora drew back and breathed deeply. "And under different circumstances maybe Amy would turn out to be Hendrika's Luke, but Amy isn't ready," she said. "She might one day come to accept her feelings, but not now."
"But Hendrika won't be there one day," Luke said. The swing's rope bit into Luke's hands when she clutched it. Her heartbeat spiked until she thought she might faint. She struggled to draw air into her lungs and clutched Nora's hand against her pounding heart. "No more waiting. We need to tell the girls the truth about me."
Hamilton Horse Ranch
Baker Prairi
e, Oregon
June 26, 1868
WHEN RIKA REACHED the edge of the carrot patch, she pulled out a handful of dandelions and threw it into a bucket that was already filled with horsetail, wild clover, and other weeds. Groaning, she straightened and brushed earth off her skirt.
Nattie carried over her own bucket of weeds. "All done. Finally." She plucked a bean leaf from Rika's sleeve.
They emptied their buckets onto the manure heap, and Nattie pulled up a bucket of cool water from the well.
Rika drank deeply, enjoying the coldness of the water as it slid down her parched throat. She looked around for Amy, who might be in need of some water too.
"I'll take some water over to Phin," Nattie said.
Rika flushed. For heaven's sake, Hendrika Aaldenberg! You're supposed to think of your future husband's needs, not Amy's. "Let me."
Shrugging, Nattie handed over the water bucket.
Bucket in hand, Rika walked over to the corral, where Phineas was cleaning the hooves of a horse. "I brought you some water."
"Thanks." He took the bucket from her, picked up the ladle, and drank. After setting down the bucket, he gestured toward her face. "You've got some dirt on your face."
Rika rubbed her knuckles across her cheek. "Gone?"
"Um, no. Wait." He opened the saddlebags hanging over the corral rail. "Here. I bought this for you in Fort Boise but then hesitated to give it to you." He held out a handkerchief with lacy edges and the initials J. S. stitched in one corner.
Rika curled her fingers around the handkerchief and trailed her thumb over the initials. Johanna Sharpe. Phin's last name sounded as wrong as the first name.
"When I bought it, I didn't know you're going by Hendrika."
"It's all right. It was very kind of you to think of me."
Phineas took the handkerchief from her, dipped it into the water bucket, and rubbed it over Rika's cheek, wiping away the speck of dirt. "There."
"Thank you." When Rika stepped back, she noticed Nattie on the veranda, watching them with flushed cheeks.
Before Rika could get a good look at her, Nattie hurried inside.
Phineas handed back the handkerchief. A hesitant smile spread across the lower half of his face, which was freshly shaven and paler than the rest of his face. His smile warmed the ice-blue color of his eyes. "Who knows, maybe one day, we'll have a daughter whose name starts with J. Then you could give her the handkerchief."
Daughter. The thought of having children with him hadn't crossed Rika's mind. You're being silly. He'll be your husband soon. Of course he wants children. "Maybe." She stuffed the handkerchief into her sleeve. "Thank you, Phineas."
"Call me Phin." He reached for her hand and rested it in the crook of his elbow, then set them off for a stroll along the corrals. "If you call me Phineas, I feel like my father is standing behind me."
"And that wouldn't be a good thing?" Rika already sensed the answer.
"No. My father was a real bastard." He blanched. "Um. Pardon my language."
Rika smiled. Why did men always think women would faint at the mere mention of a cuss word? "My father was a real bastard too."
The jangle of Phin's spurs stopped midstride. He paused to stare at her, then laughed.
"Nattie said you have worked for the Hamiltons for ten years?" Rika asked.
"Ran away from home as soon as I knew one end of a revolver from the other," Phin said. The muscles under Rika's fingers tensed, then softened. "The Hamiltons took me in. They're like family to me."
They were starting to be like family for Rika too. "Aren't you gonna miss them?" Since Phin had arrived, she woke up every day afraid that Phin would show up with the pastor and this would be her last day at the ranch.
His gaze drifted to the main house. "Yeah. I will."
"Then can't we stay?" She clamped her fingers around a handful of her skirt and held her breath.
Instead of looking at her, he still gazed at the main house. "No. I need to leave."
Rika had rarely cried in her life. Not when her father had broken her arm and not when Jo had died. Now tears stung her eyes.
"We'll still see the Hamiltons in church on Sundays, but I can't be their foreman forever," Phin said. "I stayed longer than I should have already. One day, another man is gonna be the boss, and there won't be a place here for me."
Another man? Is he talking about Amy getting married? The thought stabbed Rika in the pit of her stomach.
"I asked the pastor to come over later today to talk about the wedding," Phin said. "He said he can get us married on Monday."
"Oh." Rika had expected it, but still... In three days, she would be a married woman and on her way to a new home, away from Amy and the Hamiltons.
Phin tilted his head. "Is Monday not good? If you'd rather wait a few more days..."
"Oh, no. It's... it's fine." If she hesitated too long, Phin would find another bride. He seemed determined to start a new life.
He squeezed her fingers that still rested on his arm. "I know we don't know each other well, but if we don't get married soon, people will start waggin' their tongues."
How would Jo have reacted to his businesslike tone? Rika got the feeling that he wasn't any more eager to get married than she was. "Of course," she said.
"Hey." Phin's voice was overly cheerful as if he was trying to make her feel better — or maybe himself. "Wanna learn how to brush down a horse? Lancelot is a sucker for a beautiful woman with a brush."
His grin was kind and charming, but his eyes said something else. He didn't look at her with love or deep admiration.
Not that Rika had expected it.
"Lancelot?" she asked.
Phin pointed at the dotted horse that was tied to the corral rail. "Nattie named him, and now he thinks he deserves to be treated like a real knight."
Rika already knew how to brush down a horse. Amy had taught her weeks ago, but she didn't want to disappoint Phin, so she nodded.
"Great." Phin slipped out from under Rika's hand. "Wait here. I'll get the brush."
She leaned against the sun-warmed corral rails, closed her eyes, and drank in the sounds of the ranch. Soft neighs, the patter of hooves, and sounds of horses plucking on clumps of grass drifted over. Hens clucked and fluttered. Behind the woodshed, an ax sang as it dug into the chopping block, and then the split logs clattered to the ground.
The low rumble of John's voice came from the paddock, and a woman's calm tones answered him.
Amy.
Rika opened her eyes and peered at the paddock.
One booted foot propped on the bottom rail, Amy stood and watched the horses. She pointed out one horse to John, who nodded. They ducked between the rails and climbed into the paddock.
"Here we are."
At Phin's sudden voice next to her, Rika whirled around.
"Here." Phin handed her a brush. "Try it. Start on his left side."
Rika slid her left hand down the gelding's neck, letting him know she was there. His familiar horse smell engulfed her, and the rhythmic stroking soothed both of them. She listened to the voices from the paddock while she worked.
"Put some muscle into it," Phin said. "Don't be afraid. You won't hurt him."
When Amy had taught her how to brush down a horse, she said the same.
Phin stepped closer and covered Rika's hand with his to show her how to brush. Amy had done the same, but her warm, slender body felt different against Rika's back than Phin's. The curve of his biceps rested against her arm, and his muscular chest brushed against her shoulder blades. For a moment, an image of what it would be like to share the marriage bed with him flashed through Rika's mind.
It felt all wrong.
His bay rum scent didn't set her blood afire.
Don't be silly. She knew all along she wouldn't marry him for love or passion. Nothing had changed, yet Rika felt different somehow. "Can you take over?" She let go of the brush and stepped to the side, away from him.
"You all right?
" Phin asked, pausing the brush against Lancelot's neck. "You're not afraid of him, are you?"
No, she wasn't afraid. At least not of the horse. Thinking about the future made her shiver, though. She felt as her mother might have on her way to America — adrift at sea, with no past to return to and a future she wasn't sure she wanted. "No, of course not. I'm fine." She moved away another step, her gaze returning to the paddock to see if Amy was still there.