She diligently worked on the file for weeks, and when she was finally finished with it, taking a look through the box which had contained all the documents, she found one last thing; a thick wad of paper with a list of names. Mostly women’s names. She had intended on giving the list to Marie the following day, but she never came in. It sat in her top drawer until the next day. She had forgotten about it, but when Marie called her in for a review of what had happened while she was out, Carolyn remembered the list.
“Oh! I almost forgot. This was in the file box.” She produced the pile of papers and handed them over to Marie.
“What are they?” She thumbed through the papers and in the next moment, knew. Oh great; Jack’s girlfriends. It had to be. She felt the heat spreading through her body. “Okay, thanks Carolyn. Let’s wrap up this thing and I’ll take it over to Lang today,” she said, referring to the project that had been Jack’s. “They will probably have forgotten all about it. This will pay both of our salaries this year.” She stood up and turned her back reaching for her purse, dismissing Carolyn. What the hell was she going to do with these names? Not wanting to lose her train of thought, she folded the wad of paper up and stuffed it into her purse. She had a lot of work to catch up on after her exodus earlier in the week. She and Steve decided to do nothing about their relationship until the weekend; they would avoid each other at work but he wanted to see her tonight and she was looking forward to it. He hadn’t come in to the office yet; he was on his way to his doctor’s office to get a blood test. She prayed it would be negative. He joked to her that morning; “if it’s positive, we don’t have to worry about it anymore.” She wouldn’t be so flip about it, knowing the responsibility she had if his test for HIV turned out to be positive.
Chapter 21
The next morning, Pam decided to forgo the gym and grocery store and putter around her house. She put capris and a sleeveless top on which showed off her buff arms and calves. After grabbing a bucket and a pair of gardening gloves, she put her straw hat on and went to the back of the house to pull weeds. She had landscaped their yard herself, designing where each plant would go and over the years, going to the garden center in town and choosing the plants, hauling them home in the back of her pristine SUV. Every time she went, she imagined Jack coming with her on a Saturday, the two of them wondering around the aisles of plants like other middle aged couples did.
She never asked him to go, however because he had planned his weekend to the last second. During the summer months, he golfed and played tennis, or horsed around on the beach with Marie and the kids. During the winter when there weren’t any garden centers open, he would make himself available to her from time to time. What did she do then to engage him? She thought how year after year he came home to the same silly wife who expected him to enjoy sitting around their house, playing board games and cards with their children. He was probably bored to tears. He never said he needed more from her; so how was she to know change was in order? She thought the same thing she had been thinking for months now; he chose her because she would make it easy for him to continue his bachelor behavior. She wished there was someone who knew the real Jack, someone who could confirm she didn’t have anything to do with the way he acted. She knew it in theory, but needed that validation from someone who could say, “Jack was born like that.”
Soon her bucket was full of weeds and debris that had blown in from the beach. She went around to the front of the house to dump it in the trash can and just as she opened the lid, Detective Andrews pulled up in his unmarked car. Her heart did a little flip flop. He was here to rescue her from an afternoon of depression, thinking about Jack the Infidel.
“Hello, Mrs. Smith,” he said cheerfully as he walked from the car to the sidewalk. “Am I interrupting anything?” He held his hands up, palms out and said “I know I am supposed to leave you alone, but I couldn’t just drive by and not stop and say hi, could I?” He stopped on the sidewalk, not wanting to infringe on her territory, not sure if she was angry with his decision. She was difficult to read. Pam stood there for less than a minute, seconds actually, and pictures of Tom and Sandra flew through her mind, and then of Steve Marks humping away on her sister, which brought a giggle to her throat, and then of Nelda and Bernice arguing over a card game. In her imagination, she saw Andy Andrews walking through the local garden center with her, interested in her choices, and then coming back to the house and helping her plant them.
“No you couldn’t just drive by. I would have been hurt. I know I’m not the friendliest woman around, but I do have feelings.” She walked toward him and held out her hand to take his, and changed her mind; right there in front of the world she walked up to him and hugged him. He bent down to kiss her, but she backed away. “Before we do that, you need to come in and listen to something I need to tell you. Do you have time now?” He detected the seriousness of what she was thinking needed to be said. He was on duty, but he had reason to be there in her house; there was an ongoing criminal investigation regarding the Smith’s credit card theft. Pam had made the split second decision that she was going to tell Andy about the AIDS. Let him decide if he wanted anymore involvement with her or not. She was finished denying herself love because it had only been a summer away since Jack died. She had evidently died for him a long time ago.
“I can come in. Are you okay?” He held her from him at arm’s length, looking into her eyes. “What’s wrong?” She took his hand and led him to the door to the garage. They went through her garage, and he chuckled when he looked around.
“I hope you don’t expect my garage to look this organized,” he said. Hers was as perfect as the inside of the house, everything in its place, no clutter or junk piled up.
“My husband liked it like this, so I tried to make him happy by keeping it neat. Now I find out that no matter what I did, it wouldn’t have been enough.” Andy followed her into the house, allowing her to talk without commenting. “Have a seat,” she said, pointing to the stools around the counter. “I’ll make coffee. I’m sorry about everything, about shutting you out. It’s been a rough summer.” She poured the water into the coffee maker and got the filters and ground coffee out of the cupboard. She wanted to explain herself to him without making excuses for Jack. Or making him look like an evil person. But wasn’t he? She was tired of her loyalty to him. Or maybe it was foolish pride. She was embarrassed about him because of what his behavior said about her. She slid onto a stool next to him and looked at him. What should she say that would give her an edge? She would be so sad if he fled out of the house.
“I’m going to come right out and say it. I have AIDS. My husband gave it to me. They found out when I was in the hospital; evidently, in New York they can test you without your consent if they have reason.” Since she had told her sister and her mother about having AIDS, she hadn’t said those words out loud. It wasn’t cathartic at all. Her throat hurt, the way it did when she wanted to cry and held it back. She felt awful. She should have told him right away, weeks ago rather than pushing him away from her. “So! There you have it! My dirty little secret. Wow! I feel so much better! I’m glad I don’t have a gun I could put to my head.” Pam got up to go through the motions of making coffee for them both. Andy hadn’t said a word yet; she didn’t know what to expect of him. She stood with her back to him, taking the water pitcher from the fridge and filling the coffee maker with it.
“Pam, I think I’m going to go.” Andy Andrews pushed back from the counter and stood up. Pam turned around to look at him, her eyes big and round, stunned for a second. He was going to leave! She’d spilled her guts and he was leaving. “I need to think about this for a while. I”ll call you later.” He picked up his keys off the table and walked to her, kissing her on top of her head. “Okay?” He looked down at her, expecting what? She shook her head up and down, okay.
Chapter 22
During times of crisis, people often forget their normal routine and leave what is important behind them. When Pam walked in o
n Marie and Steve after hearing moaning coming from her bedroom, Steve had just ejaculated. But the surprise of Pam catching them having sex made his erection disappear and his condom full of semen fell off in the bed. Neither one of them thought to dispose it; they had getting dressed on their minds.
After Andy left, Pam got back to work. She was numb from her confession and the cold reception she got, expecting it in theory, but putting hope out there instead. Why did she expect him to rally the way Tom and Steve had? There were two ways this could go; she could get into bed and never get out again, or she could go on with her life. Work was what she needed, physical activity. She went into Marie’s bedroom to take a four pack of toilet paper into her bathroom and scour the tub. That’s when she saw the unmade bed.
“Now that’s just nasty,” she said out loud to no one. She pulled back the bedspread to strip the sheets off the mattress when she saw the condom filled with congealed sperm. “Oh my God!” She even jumped back slightly. “What the heck?” She leaned in and saw that it was in fact a used condom, more appropriate for a teenager than an older man to leave behind. She stomped into her pantry and got rubber gloves and plastic grocery bags and went back for the retrieval. She thought of all the allowances she had made for her sister, one thing after another that she tolerated and forgave, over and over and over again, and for some reason, this oversight was in the realm of the unforgivable. It was more than gross, it was disrespectful and disgusting. Marie may have crossed a line; she had placed the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Pam was on the rampage. A used condom had pushed her over the edge. Nothing that anyone had done to her so far had made her as angry as this slight. She got rid of the condom and finished striping the bed and putting clean sheets on it. Not that Marie would be welcome back. She was going to call her after five; hopefully she would be home, and she was going to have it out with her sister over the phone. Deciding to go to the gym after all, she hoped to work off some of her aggression so that when she called Marie the conversation wouldn’t deescalate. While she was running on the treadmill, she planned what she would say. Telling Marie anything positive never worked. She was so self-absorbed that she felt entitled to that sort of stroking. Pam would try to stick to facts and her feelings and not allow herself to go off the deep end and make any comments about her sister’s character, which was nonexistent as far as she was concerned. The longer she ran, the angrier she got. Where did she get off having that strange guy in the house, anyway? Did Marie think that since she wasn’t screwing Jack in his house, she could do it other men? It was the kind of talk she would avoid when she confronted Marie.
After she finished up at the gym, she went home, had a shower, and got dressed for the evening. She definitely wanted to call Marie and get that off her chest first. She poured herself a glass of wine and went out on the veranda to drink it. She rarely drank anymore, but made the decision that tonight would be an exception. The sun was just creeping down behind the house. In a few weeks, it would be setting by dinner time. Time was moving so quickly, and there was nothing anyone could do to slow it down.
Pam finished her wine and went into the house to get her phone. She decided to call her from the bedroom. It was cool and shaded in there, and if she sat on her chaise lounge, it would relax her and promote peace. She poured another glass of wine and then did something that she rarely succumbed to; up on the very top of the china closet in her dining room, she fished out an ancient pack of Kool menthols. They belonged to Jack, but she was not above sneaking one during times of stress. She was going to light up while she told her sister off. She’d have a good buzz from the smoke and the wine. She took her cigarettes and a vintage plate that she used for an ashtray and went back to her bedroom, locking the door in the remote chance someone came home. Who? She reminded herself. There was no one. Okay, she said, her mother; in case her mother made a surprise visit from Manhattan. She was feeling a little tipsy. It would give her an edge talking to Marie, who could be brutal and hurtful at the drop of a hat. With the cigarette lit and a full wine glass at her side, she dialed her sister cell phone number. Marie answered on the first ring.
“What’s up?” She said. “I was just thinking about you.”
“Can you talk now?” Pam asked. “I mean are you alone at home or at work?”
“I’m home. What’s going on? You sound stressed.” Marie filled her wine glass and walked with it into the living room.
“I’m stressed. I went into your room with toilet paper to put away and found a rubber filled with semen.” Pam had to put her glass of wine down and cover the phone because she started laughing and didn’t want Marie to think she wasn’t serious. Maybe it was a mistake to do this while she was drinking. Marie gasped.
“Oh Jesus! Pam! I’m so sorry. How gross! That was awful of us. Please, please forgive me. Jeez I feel horrible!” Marie went on and on. It completely defused Pam’s anger. She just laughed out loud.
“You don’t know how lucky you are that you being contrite. I have been stomping around my house cussing you out all day! I even did eight miles on the treadmill, I was so pissed off.” Pam took a drag of her cigarette.
“Are you smoking?” Marie asked. “Look, I am sorry. I have to tell you that the entire week has sucked. First of all, the woman from the health department came to my apartment and made me feel guilty because I have been sleeping with Steve for a week and never told him I have AIDS. So I told him and you can imagine that he was really angry; threatened to kill me, did about two grand worth of damage to my car, was going to tell everyone in the office. Yes, he works with me. So anyway, I made a death run to you and he found out where I was and while you were out, he and I made up and ended up in bed. So that’s the whole story. I thought you were in the city for the day. He had his test today and it’s negative, thank God. Do you forgive me?” Marie waited for Pam to answer. Suddenly, she heard snoring noises. “Pam!” But she was just kidding. Marie wondered what had come over her sister; smoking? Teasing?
“How am I ever going to look that guy in the eye? Are you serious about him? He’s older than I am. First I see his naked rear end up in the air and then I find that thing in the bed, I mean, give me a break will you?” They started laughing again. They said good bye to each other, promising to be in touch later in the week to make plans for the weekend.
Pam decided it wasn’t so bad after all, what Marie had done in the scheme of things. It was just something that happened when people were stressed out, and they qualified for being stressed. She was glad she didn’t call her sister when she first found the condom; she would have said unforgiveable things to her sister. And then who would she have? Who would be her friend? The wine must have gone right to her head, because the still small Voice said, that’s a friend? Someone who betrays you for years and years? You better reevaluate what a friend is. Pam ignored it. If she divorced herself from Marie, the problems it would create would be never-ending.
She would have to make excuses to her mother. Marie would most likely tell Nelda the reason Pam wasn’t speaking to her and then all hell would break loose. Marie was Pam’s only friend now that she and Sandra were growing apart. It looked like maybe Andy would be history. If her relationship with him survived the AIDS disclosure, she would need to tell the truth about her marriage. It could wait, couldn’t it? He now knew she had AIDS; he could fill in the blanks.
She got up and went to the bathroom to brush her teeth and wash her hair again. She reeked of smoke and wine. Being presentable had been part of who she was from childhood. When she had her gallbladder out six or seven years ago, and refused to take out her bridge work, the head of the anesthesia department agreed to put her to sleep. He would take responsibility for her dental work and then give them right back to her to put in before she saw her husband. Jack never saw her without at least lipstick on. Her hair was neat when she went to bed and she rarely stayed in bed after he did. She’d be up with full war paint first thing in the morning. What good did it
do? He needed that perfection around him, but it did no good at all. It was superficial.
When Brent and Lisa were born, she did the same thing, looking fabulous while she was in labor, giving him a break and not expecting him to come into the delivery room with her. She stayed out in the waiting room, chatting and walking the halls until it was time to push when she kissed him and went back into the labor room. She didn’t know that he bragged about that to the other men he knew, the men whose wives insisted that their husband’s see them at their worst, with bad breath, shitting on the delivery table.
That family birthing room scene wasn’t for Pam. She liked her privacy. At home, she locked the door to the bathroom unless they made arrangements to bathe together. Her friends made fun of her in high school; it went back that far, because she never, ever was seen without her make-up on, every hair in place. “You’re beautiful, and you’re nice,” her friends would tell her. “No wonder you got freakin’ hunk Jack Smith!” Yes, she was so lucky. She was the dateless Queen of the Prom; how did that happen? She never dated. She was asked, but always made excuses, and now she realized why. She was afraid. Men were chop-licking, lechers. The only man who didn’t scare her to death was the perfect Jack Smith. It was as though he was made for her. He gave her plenty of space, and was there when she needed him. She wanted children, and as soon as he finished his Master’s degree, he made it his duty to impregnate her. They were the perfect couple. And Jack ended up being the biggest of the lechers.
She put her head down and started sobbing. The combination of the wine and anticipation of telling sister off had exhausted her and all of her defenses were down. She was totally exposed. But it wouldn’t last long. She put her make up on and did her hair and prepared for an evening alone.
Chapter 23
Dream Lover: Pam of Babylon Book #3 Page 14