by Dani Hoots
I sat down on the bench and waited for the verdict as Oliver paced in front of me. The clock ticked, making the time feel like an eternity.
The clock never seemed to stop ticking.
“Heinrich, can you come to my office for a second?” Christoph, our boss called from down the hallway. I glanced at Charles and Jonathan. They gave me their ‘uh-oh, what did you do to get called into the boss’ office’ look. Then, as usual, I gave them my ‘I don’t know, should I be worried’ look. I rarely got called into Christoph’s office, and when I did, usually I wasn’t in trouble or anything.
Usually.
I finished up my last inputs in the computer and got up from my desk, and took a deep breath. I didn’t want to get yelled at, even though I didn’t think I messed anything up this week. Although he wasn’t as bad as the boss upstairs, who laid into Christoph more times than I could count, he still was pretty intimidating. Charles and Jonathan mouthed ‘good luck’ and I headed into Christoph’s office.
The office itself was neat and tidy. Nothing was ever out of place, I swore he was OCD or something. It was a contradiction to everyone else’s office space, which were covered in papers, staples, and clips (even though when you needed one you could never find it and have to borrow someone else’s). While everyone found his tendencies quite annoying, I found them a bit...
Cute.
I would never say that out loud, though. Who knows what people in the office would think if they knew...
Christoph swiveled around to face me, and I always have to keep myself from blushing when he looks directly at me with his emerald eyes. His brown hair was rather on the messy side today, as if he might have pulled an all-nighter at the office. It was always hard to tell since his office clothes all looked the same; white shirt, black tie, black suit, black shoes. Every day. He really did work himself into the ground sometimes, and I always want to tell him to relax, but it’s not my place.
“Heinrich, please sit,” he gestured towards the chair.
My heart started to race. Usually he didn’t make someone sit down unless he was going to chew them out. This week had been going so well, too.
“There’s a meeting next week in Brussels, with all the company managers. Usually the assistant managers come as well, and as you know, Frank is retiring in two weeks, so his job is going to be open, and there is no point in bringing him along when he is going to be leaving,” Christoph explained.
I just looked at him a bit confused. “Okay...”
“What I’m saying is, you are up for promotion, so what do you say to an assistant manager position? And coming to the meeting in Brussels?”
“You are giving the promotion to me?”
“Yes, I think you are the most qualified for the job. Your work has improved a lot over the past few months and I think this promotion could help you improve even more. What do you say?”
I didn’t even need to think about it. “Yes, of course.”
“Good. We leave Monday morning for Brussels and should be back early Wednesday. We will be sharing a room, is that okay?”
“Oh, uh, yeah, that’s fine.” Because normally sharing a room is fine. It’s not like I could say ‘no, I would feel uncomfortable since I have had feelings towards you since we first met’. I had to act like everything was fine, it was only for two nights anyway, and it’s not like he would reciprocate the feelings anyway. It would stay professional, as it always did. seven. Should be platform four.”
“I will be there bright and early, you can count on that.”
“Good.” With that, he went back to work, which I took as my cue to leave his office. As I closed his door behind me, Charles and Jonathan gestured to come to their cubicle.
“So,” Jonathan looked concerned. “What’s the verdict?”
I simply grinned. “You are looking at the new assistant manager of the company.”
We celebrated with drinks that night at the local pub, Jonathan, Charles, and I. We ordered steins, of course, because that’s what you did when you celebrated a raise, or anything I suppose, according to Jonathan and Charles. I was worried that they would be a little mad at me, since they had been with the company a little longer than I. They seemed okay with it, though, and were genuinely happy for me.
I ordered a Haufbrau dunkel, and Charles and Jonathan ordered Paulaners. They usually gave me crap about not supporting our football team by drinking Paulaner. Tonight they didn’t say anything though. Tonight they just wanted to celebrate something.
Our drinks came out and we yelled ‘prost’, and clinked our heavy glasses together and took a drink. Charles, of course, downed the most.
“Well then,” Jonathan set his drink down. “Assistant manager. How did you manage that?”
I shrugged. “I really don’t know. Guess Christoph just liked my work.”
“Sure, like we believe that. What, did you hook him up with some girl or something?” Charles laughed. Jonathan and him clanked drinks again and chugged some more down. I could feel my cheeks redden even more as I took a drink, ignoring the comment. These two were my best of friends, but I couldn’t tell them the truth, that I was gay. I feared how they would view me, that they would stop talking to me. I didn’t want that happen, so I kept my mouth shut when it came to any conversation about a girl. Hopefully I just came off shy or something to them. They were usually drinking, so their attention span was short and I never had to worry. But still.
Jonathan slapped his hand on my back. “We joke, but seriously we are very happy for you.”
I knew that they were, the two of them were my best friends and had been for the past few years. I hoped that we would all be able to work together for years to come, and drink after promotions just like this. I would be getting a new office, I knew, which then I wouldn’t be seeing the two of them as much. But we would meet up at lunch, I was sure, and after work for a beer or two.
Taking another drink, I began to wonder what the trip was going to be like with Christoph. I knew it would be fine, I was more worried about the responsibility than anything else. Much was expected of me in the next week and I just hoped I would succeed in the tasks that would be laid out for me.
I woke up on Saturday with a little bit of a headache. I shouldn’t have let Charles and Jonathan talk me into having schnapps.
Yet, every time we celebrated, I found myself waking up with regret.
It wasn’t anything a little coffee couldn’t handle. I got up and started up the pot to brew. Meanwhile, I picked up the book I had been reading, and leaned back on the couch for a bit. I swore I had the slowest pot in the history of pots. It always took forever for the coffee maker to finish filling. I needed to get a new one but I always seemed to forget when I was at the store, or make some excuse to put it off another day. I could go get one today, but then again I should work on researching about the company in case anyone asked questions, and make sure any loose ends are tied before I start my new position.
See? Excuses.
The coffee finally finished and I added a bit of cream and sugar. Taking a sip, I decided that no matter what, it would never taste as good as it would if I bought it at a cafe. Why that was, probably because they add so much caramel and sweetener and I wouldn’t admit how much they really added. So many calories, now I realized.
The headache started to go away thanks to the caffeine and I decided that it would be a good idea to start researching more into the company that I would be representing. Sorry coffee pot, you shall be pushed back to another day yet again.
There wasn’t much to look up, to be honest, as I had researched much about the company when I first started working there. I did need to finish my work in my old position as soon as I could so that I wouldn’t worry about dumping a project half done on some poor worker who has no idea where it was going. I would be leaving Monday and would be starting the new job soon, as Frank was retiring and finishing up any projects he was already working on. I couldn’t wait to start, I truly couldn�
��t. This is what I had been working on for years, to get to this position. I wasn’t a slacker, I did everything I could do to be promoted. And now it all had paid off.
And I would be working closely with Christoph. That part of it I liked and didn’t like at the same time. I admitted to myself that I had feelings for him, feelings that I would never share with anyone. Although, discrimination against LGBT in the workplace is illegal in Germany, it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be looked at the same way, judged and the like. I just wanted to fit in and go on with my life as normal.
The only problem was, I couldn’t stop thinking about Christoph. I wanted to say something, I truly did, but I knew that he didn’t feel the same about me. There was no way. I tried to forget about him, go out and meet other guys, but none of them were Christoph. None of them made me blush or my heart race like he did. So after a while, I gave up on looking for someone else. It just wasn’t going to happen, not right now at least.
So working close with him was going to be a challenge, not that I could stay professional, that wasn’t a problem for me, but I knew the feeling I would get in my stomach and in my heart every time I saw him, which now would be a lot more often than not.
And I would be going on a business trip with him in just a couple of days. Great…
But I would get past it. I never let my feelings get in the way of my work. It was unprofessional and I wouldn’t allow myself to ever say anything.
Unless he said something first, of course.
I wasn’t getting my hopes up, though.
Monday came and I stood at the train stop, keeping an eye out for Christoph. I was way early, but at least he wouldn’t know that unless he showed up as early as I did, which wasn’t probable. Germans were very punctual about being right on time, neither early nor late, as it was as rude to be early as it was to be late. Strange, yes, but it would mean it would put the person you were meeting off schedule because they would have to postpone whatever they were doing until after your meeting with them was done.
Waiting for a train was a bit different though. I couldn’t be late or I would miss the train completely and lose my chance of being golden in Christoph’s eyes, not to mention lose my new position as assistant manager. I couldn’t imagine what the others would say if that happened, not to mention I would be jobless.
About half an hour passed when Christoph showed up (yeah, I was that early). I had been sitting on the bench, my briefcase and luggage by my side, watching as others went on their way, departing from loved ones, couples giving their goodbye kisses, kids hugging their parents that they wouldn’t see for some amount of time. Some of the train station workers had been keeping an eye on me, wondering why I had been waiting there for such a long time. I probably looked suspicious to them, but it wasn’t like I was doing anything wrong. I was just waiting and they probably figured as much in the end.
When Christoph arrived, I got up quickly, probably a little too quickly but he didn’t seem to notice. For that I was thankful, not that it would matter. Christoph would never think of anything like that, but I still worried.
“Right on time, I can see already that you were an adequate choice for assistant manager,” Christoph said. “Now, shall we?”
I nodded, wondering what he meant by adequate. It seemed to be a very standard word, as if he didn’t think I could fulfill the role or something. I tried not to think about it but kept up my smile as we boarded the train.
The train to Brussels appeared as any other train that ran through Germany, the standard seats, tables in between some of the seats that faced each other. Christoph gestured to two of the seats that had a table and I sat across from him.
“Now, did you manage to go over the papers I sent you?”
I nodded. “Yes, and I finished up the rest of my work and sent it forward to Charles and Jonathan to submit.”
“Good, good. Very adequate work.”
That word again. Maybe it was just his favorite, as if he just used that word to make himself feel superior. It was, after all, how he tried to treat his workers beneath him. I was still technically beneath him.
God I shouldn’t have thought about it that way.
“Anyway, I hope that this trip didn’t inconvenience you.”
I shook my head. “Oh, not at all.”
“Good.” That was all he said. I didn’t know what else to say so I stayed quiet until the train started moving and the attendant came over. She had her dark brown hair in pig tails and her green eyes seemed to sparkle, even with what seemed would be a boring job.
“Would either of you like something to drink or eat?” she asked.
Christoph answered. “Yes, I would like a cup of coffee. Cream and sugar.”
The attendant wrote it down. “And for you sir?”
“Yeah, I would like the same please.”
She nodded and went to the next table.
“Won’t be any good, train coffee is never any good,” Christoph commented.
I laughed. “Take it you have been on a lot of work trips.”
He nodded. “Yes I have, and you will too. Getting a raise in this company comes with perks, but it also comes with more work. Better tell your family you won’t be seeing them as often.”
“Oh,” I began. “I’m not married. Single, so I guess I don’t have to worry about that.”
“Good call. Family just gets in the way. They will complain that you work too much and don’t care about them, at least that is what my ex always said.”
The attendant brought the coffees and set them down on the table in front of us. I thanked her.
“Oh, so you are divorced then?” I asked, realizing I probably shouldn’t have. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to pry.”
He waved his hand. “No, you are fine, I brought it up. Yes, I was divorced some time ago, shortly after I started in the position I have. She remarried and has two kids supposedly. Young love, what can I say? Never lasts.”
I didn’t know what to think of that. I agreed, in a way, but at the same time it was disappointing when someone you cared for, no matter the improbability that something would happen, say that. It also meant that even though the chances were low, he definitely had no feelings for me. No one who cared for someone would say that straight to their face.
But that was fine, because I was never going to get my hopes up. I would find someone else eventually, it wasn’t like I had been looking hard. My parents had kicked me out of the house when they found out, and I got through college on my own working full time. No one could ever tell me I didn’t work hard, that was for sure. I hadn’t been in contact with anyone in my family for years and none of my friends really knew. After everything, it just wasn’t something I wanted to go through again. So I kept my mouth shut, even though the country was getting more tolerant, that didn’t mean people were kind or compassionate. Although I never would think Jonathan or Charles would treat me in the same way, I still didn’t want to test that theory.
“So, moral of the story is don’t put your passion anywhere else except in your work. You may regret it someday.”
I nodded but didn’t say anything. It wasn’t like I really worried about being alone, but the way he treated the situation made me feel as if I would be one of those men who would only have his work for companionship, and I didn’t want that.
Christoph laughed. “I’m just kidding. Some people do find happiness and are able to juggle their homes and work. I was just never that type of guy. I didn’t even have kids either, I couldn’t imagine what that would be like.”
I took a sip of the coffee. He was right, it was disgusting. I added a bit more sugar. “What about dating someone at work, do you think that would be easier?”
It was a stupid question, I don’t know why I asked it. Maybe I just wanted to know his thoughts on the subject, it wasn’t like he suspected my feelings towards him.
Christoph raised an eyebrow. “Fancy a co-worker I see? I have to admit, a lot of the girls that work for us a
re quite spectacular.”
See, I knew it.
“But no, I don’t think that would be easier. If you got in a relationship and succeeded, you would always be fighting for promotions and that would cause tension. As for when you break up, then one of you would want to be transferred or you both would be stuck seeing each other every day. It would be torture.”
“That’s true, that would be hard.”
“So it isn’t something I would recommend. Though one of the perks of being the manager is you can easily transfer someone when that does happen.” He smiled. “But, of course, I would never do that.”
I didn’t know quite what he meant by that but just laughed with him when he started laughing.
“You are quite the character, Heinrich, I’m glad I picked you for this position. We are going to have some fun together, I can see that already.”